Do I pick the wrong guys, or is it me?

[lalani0818]

I am very frustrated. I'm pushing my mid twenties and I got out of a near four year relationship last year and since then have had no luck in the dating arena. I've been told I'm attractive and I'd like to think I'm a nice and understanding person, and the guys I've dated have acknowledged that, but for some reason I just end up being the kind of girl they want to hang out with and not take it any further.

 

The last guy I dated for two months (we didn't get intimate by the way) and he really threw some signals out there that he liked me and so I was receptive to those signals. Last weekend out of the blue, he said he couldn't see us getting into a relationship and didn't want to lead me on. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I put no pressure on this guy or even asked for a label, but simply responded to his romantic advances. I don't understand why this keeps happening I'm just disheartened when it comes to dating. I don't know if I'm unknowingly throwing some sort of vibe out there with guys I have seen or maybe I haven't fully let myself heal since my ex. Whatever it is, I'm at the point where I'm really cynical towards men and I keep criticizing myself.

Edited July 16, 2016 by lalani0818

[leogirl876]

I am very frustrated. I'm pushing my mid twenties and I got out of a near four year relationship last year and since then have had no luck in the dating arena. I've been told I'm attractive and I'd like to think I'm a nice and understanding person, and the guys I've dated have acknowledged that, but for some reason I just end up being the kind of girl they want to hang out with and not take it any further.

 

The last guy I dated for two months (we didn't get intimate by the way) and he really threw some signals out there that he liked me and so I was receptive to those signals. Last weekend out of the blue, he said he couldn't see us getting into a relationship and didn't want to lead me on. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I put no pressure on this guy or even asked for a label, but simply responded to his romantic advances. I don't understand why this keeps happening I'm just disheartened when it comes to dating. I don't know if I'm unknowingly throwing some sort of vibe out there with guys I have seen or maybe I haven't fully let myself heal since my ex. Whatever it is, I'm at the point where I'm really cynical towards men and I keep criticizing myself.

 

I know how you feel. I'm about to turn 40 and still have the same concerns. I think the feminist movement has changed so much with dating today, that men don't act like men anymore and women don't act like women anymore. Plus all this online stuff and instant gratification adds to it too. I'd say, don't change yourself and sell yourself short for men who aren't worth your time. It's better to be alone and happy then miserable with someone. Another thing that's made dating hard, is so many women are having sex with a man on the first date and up to the 3rd date! Whatever happened to women valuing their sexuality? There's no such thing as that. Men get it so easy now that if a girl doesn't put out right away, they move on to an easier target. I refuse to sell myself short like that, and you shouldn't either. I believe that someday I'll meet the right guy, and so will you. Just stick to your guns, because if you change yourself for someone else, it won't work anyway.

[SensitiveTJ]

I know how you feel. I'm about to turn 40 and still have the same concerns. I think the feminist movement has changed so much with dating today, that men don't act like men anymore and women don't act like women anymore. Plus all this online stuff and instant gratification adds to it too. I'd say, don't change yourself and sell yourself short for men who aren't worth your time. It's better to be alone and happy then miserable with someone. Another thing that's made dating hard, is so many women are having sex with a man on the first date and up to the 3rd date! Whatever happened to women valuing their sexuality? There's no such thing as that. Men get it so easy now that if a girl doesn't put out right away, they move on to an easier target. I refuse to sell myself short like that, and you shouldn't either. I believe that someday I'll meet the right guy, and so will you. Just stick to your guns, because if you change yourself for someone else, it won't work anyway.

 

 

Um...how is any of what you just wrote relevant to the OP? She didn't even provide any information as to why she thinks her own relationships aren't working out. We don't know anything about her, the men she dates, or her relationship style. Let's listen to what she has to say before going off on tangents that don't even matter.

[Bialy]

I don't know if I'm unknowingly throwing some sort of vibe out there with guys I have seen or maybe I haven't fully let myself heal since my ex. Whatever it is, I'm at the point where I'm really cynical towards men and I keep criticizing myself.

 

This might be it. Are you actively trying to find someone to date? You may want to just take a break and re-focus. Do some activities this summer to take your mind away from dating and the pressure of finding someone new.

 

It's common to feel the need to get into a relationship as soon as one ends. The good thing is that you're attracting guys - but maybe the frustrations and cynical feelings are giving guys a funky vibe.

 

Dating sucks! You're not alone!

[Sara1989]

I posted threads feeling just like you.

 

I have decided to take a 6 month break. Maybe you should do the same? sometimes it gets to the point of online dating where you need to go away, the right men aren't there. Going back after a break means there are new men on there hopefully you may click with.

[morrowrd]

I'm curious, are you meeting guys at college? Online? Bars? Work? introduced by friends? I tend to think the "pool" counts for something when we are giving feedback.

 

In lieu of that information, I'm guessing and giving you some generic feedback. One piece of advice we all tend to give to men most of the time, and that is, what league are you batting in? In your case, are you going after men who get alot of female attention and you are out of his league? My girlfriend's son for instance, I was talking to him about this recently, he was pursuing this girl at college who was a cheerleader type, and he is a poster child for the "Big Bang Theory" nerd - types.

 

Back to you, what types of men are you pursuing? If you're going after those "out-of-your-leaguers" like I mentioned, "bad boys" are another category you have to be a certain type to gain attention with, why not give the nice guys a second look? There is a saying, "Nice guys (with balls) finish first." Don't give those whiny clingy nice guys the time of day, but there are plenty of the nice ones who will be a man, treat you like a lady, and would love a chance to have your attention.

 

Evaluate your shopping list, see what you can tweak.

Edited July 17, 2016 by morrowrd

[BaileyB]

Been there, done that. It's hard not to get discouraged and it does take a serious toll on your self-esteem at times. I too have taken breaks from dating because you need to approach it with the right attitude. And, it really pisses me off when people say "when you least expect it, it will happen for you." But, it has happened just like that for me and so, I say to you... You just haven't met the right guy! When you do, it will be fine. Keep your chin up and keep trying!

[preraph]

If you had to think of one physical characteristic that men wouldn't find ideal, what would it be?

 

You've told us the other, being cynical. But they wouldn't want to be friends either if that was what really bothered them. Are you very assertive? A lot of guys can't handle that.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I am very frustrated. I'm pushing my mid twenties and I got out of a near four year relationship last year and since then have had no luck in the dating arena. I've been told I'm attractive and I'd like to think I'm a nice and understanding person, and the guys I've dated have acknowledged that, but for some reason I just end up being the kind of girl they want to hang out with and not take it any further.

 

The last guy I dated for two months (we didn't get intimate by the way) and he really threw some signals out there that he liked me and so I was receptive to those signals. Last weekend out of the blue, he said he couldn't see us getting into a relationship and didn't want to lead me on. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I put no pressure on this guy or even asked for a label, but simply responded to his romantic advances. I don't understand why this keeps happening I'm just disheartened when it comes to dating. I don't know if I'm unknowingly throwing some sort of vibe out there with guys I have seen or maybe I haven't fully let myself heal since my ex. Whatever it is, I'm at the point where I'm really cynical towards men and I keep criticizing myself.

 

 

Y'know what I did after beginning, and far from finishing reading your post?

 

 

I googled "Pushing mid-twenties" (and, later, "Pushing mid-20's")... to see that there are very few references to either one of those anywhere on the web which relate to the age of humans.

 

 

Not too long ago you were a teenager who probably had to convince herself that HER hair color, HER haircut, HER figure, and HER (some other amusing thing that I just can't find in my thoughts right now) are good enough to warrant you mating at all.

 

 

So you then lived your life, and knew a relationship of 4 years (which is huge for a young adult).

 

 

And now your task is to convince yourself that there is nothing you need to change. I know it is easy to let yourself believe that some silly little thing (yet not yourself) would be the answer, and the reason why the next grand Romeo would discover you. But the truth is that your own uniqueness is plenty enough to rate and land a partner for the long term, and you need only stay in your place/position to find that a fair representation of future romantic possibilities will come to your place/position on the playing field of life.

 

 

I'm sure it feels like your dating history has covered the entire lifetime of the planet, but it has really been such a short time that you don't have enough data to decide alone that something is wrong.

 

 

So just keep doing what you're doing, and if you want to make a change at all, it should simply be to cause yourself to meet many more people, ideally in scenarios where you are doing things you love to do (and not especially doing them only to find a mate).

[Gr8fuln2020]

"I think the feminist movement has changed so much with dating today, that men don't act like men anymore and women don't act like women anymore."

 

I've always had a hard time believing this feminist movement crap being even an important cause of dating woes. If anything, it shows just how many men are insecure. I know plenty of women who would like a strong man, but men have abdicated, or perhaps, never stepped up. Is it possible that the feminist movement revealed just how insecure men really are? I mean, when society forced women to take a back seat to men, it was easy for men to show they were in charge... now, with competition, it seems clearer that show of strength was simply a contrived facade. Not all men, just many more than we were led to believe. Also, it could also be that women are fed up with how men used to be and want more of a partnership than what used to exist...isn't this all possible???

 

EVERY woman i've ever dated was intelligent, attractive and independent. They expected a partnership, respect, but also valued the "traditional" roles presented to men/women. How in the world did we get to the point where men do not find that reasonable??????

 

Men have become more reclusive, uninterested and motivated when it comes to relationships. With the advent of the internet and instant gratification, men have become more about quick returns rather than hard work and effort.

Edited July 18, 2016 by simpleNfit

[Larryville]

Do I pick the wrong guys, or is it me?

 

I've been told I'm attractive

 

NOBODY should have to tell you that. How you feel about yourself if far more important. Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror?

 

I'd like to think I'm a nice and understanding person,

 

Either you are or you are not...

 

I just end up being the kind of girl they want to hang out with and not take it any further.

 

he couldn't see us getting into a relationship and didn't want to lead me on.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

 

I don't understand why this keeps happening

 

I'm just disheartened when it comes to dating.

 

I don't know if I'm unknowingly throwing some sort of vibe out there with guy

 

I haven't fully let myself heal since my ex.

 

I'm really cynical towards men and I keep criticizing myself.

 

***My guess is that this is the problem here. Few things turn me off from a girl faster than this.***

 

Important point…

 

If you don’t feel you are having any luck with dating and meeting the right person you need to look in the mirror and examine who and what you are and highlight the things you need and want in a relationship if anything, and when you figure that out don’t compromise!

 

Browse this piece, gives you rough ideas, but frankly can apply to a significant number of these threads and apply to BOTH men and women.

 

When we get desperate, we settle for less than we deserve.

 

50 Things That Should Be Relationship Dealbreakers

 

50 Things That Should Be Relationship Dealbreakers | Thought Catalog

 

EVERY woman i've ever dated was intelligent, attractive and independent. They expected a partnership, respect, but also valued the "traditional" roles presented to men/women. How in the world did we get to the point where men do not find that reasonable??????

 

Great point, while things have not worked out for me finding the right person to be with long term I have met some nice, intelligent, attractive, independent women just not the right person In the right circumstances at the right time. Be selective and go out and engage with people who fit your criteria (whatever that is, take a dating break and figure that out) but don’t go out with every freaking guy “experimenting” waste of time and just adds to the frustration.

 

On the part about men not finding that "reasonable", that is growing as more and more young men are not raised with positive male role models who are in relationships where they see men treat women with respect and as equals.

We mimic in life what we learned as children and youth, whoever we are in relationships is learned behavior. Sometimes we must unlearn what we have learned...

 

Good Luck