I'm due to get married in 3 months, but I'm scared she's not the one for me.

[Pud]

I can't honestly tell you how we are so the same mate, I picked out all my ex's flaws from her feet to her nose, I look back now and feel like an absolute co*k who's really shallow an don't deserve anyone.

 

Then I saw a pic 3 weeks after we plot up and my heart melted and couldn't believe what I'd done.

 

It's mind games all mind games mate. It's only been just over 3 months for me and the pain, jealousy and thoughts of her with other men run through my mind all day but it's getting slightly easy to handle now.

 

Feel free to private message me if you need to talk mate, just as we are so very simliar.

 

It's for the best, good luck

[Sunkissedpatio]

And for heaven's sake STOP cheating! That is not the answer and could very well be the turmoil that is causing you to have doubts.

[mrconfused88]

I've told her how I feel and she's willing to do anything to make us work, the truth is the only way we will work is if I'm 100% honest with her about me being unfaithful, but that will destroy her friendship with her friend, her trust in me. Do I lay it all bare to give her the choice? She says she will do anything but she should know the real me to let her make a choice then.

[sooshi]

I've told her how I feel and she's willing to do anything to make us work, the truth is the only way we will work is if I'm 100% honest with her about me being unfaithful

 

You need to be 100% honest with her. Let her decide if wants to stay with/work through things with someone who has been unfaithful to her yet again. You're right, she needs to know the real you so that she can make up her own choice.

[elaine567]

I've told her how I feel and she's willing to do anything to make us work, the truth is the only way we will work is if I'm 100% honest with her about me being unfaithful, but that will destroy her friendship with her friend, her trust in me. Do I lay it all bare to give her the choice? She says she will do anything but she should know the real me to let her make a choice then.

 

SHE can't do anything to make it work, it is what YOU feel about her that matters and if the spark is gone and you do not love her then what on earth can SHE do about that? All the love in the world on one side, cannot make someone love you if they don't.

Yes she can bend over backwards, buy you stuff, cook your favourite meals, wear sexy lingerie but she can't keep that up forever and if you do not love her then that all that will start to grate on you. Desperation is never really attractive.

 

YOU have strayed twice for something "different" as she is now boring you.

Face it, you may make it work for a while, but if the spark is gone and you do not love her, you will be back in exactly the same place, pretty soon, but by that time you may be "trapped" by a marriage and a baby.

YOU are still both single, you will find others, let this one go.

 

BTW cheating takes years of work to get through, with misery on both sides, trust once lost is very very hard to find again.

I would never suggest single people ever try to get over it, it is just not worth the heartache.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I also don't get how many people in this thread seem to have an expectation of being "in love" every moment for 6 years and for there to be no doubt, no nothing, just OMG love, thrilled with every aspect of the partner's looks etc.

 

I dunno, it just seems a tad unrealistic to me. Sure, few lucky end up finding that and staying married for ever and ever but that's not the norm.

 

What I read from this situation is that OP shouldn't get married. Not because he is not "in love" or she is not "the one", but because he doesn't seem ready for marriage and his general attitude suggests that he is not ready to settle down. He actually seems to change his mind based on how she looks in a new FB pic? After 6 years...seriously

[Sunkissedpatio]

This is the epitome of selfishness. You decide 5 minutes before the wedding that you don't know how you feel about the woman you are about to marry.

 

Then you tell her this, when you had 6 years to talk to her about it, before you had to humiliate her like this in front of everyone who is attending the wedding. And now you are faced with having to also let her know you cheated on her twice "because you were bored"

 

I am assuming that is just another poster's assumption that you cheated out of "boredom", which I may add is the most ridiculous reason I have ever heard. Boredom comes from within it is not something that others are responsible for and certainly sticking your tongue or nether parts into someone else is not going to fix your inner-boredom.

 

Next time you feel "bored" and craving stimulation find something new to do in your life, something that injects a good dose of dopamine into your routine that doesn't involve messing around with another human being.

 

You haven't cited one problem in your relationship, that would lead to believe you should have true hesitation to marry this woman. It seems for the most part you had a good relationship with a woman that was good enough to spend 6 years with, ask her to marry, and yet you have a fling with her BEST FRIEND and now again someone else.

 

If you don't get a hold on this "the spark is gone and I don't know if I am in love anymore" early on in life you will live your life perpetually chasing unicorns to sustain a level of "un-boredom" from others, that simply doesn't exist. The very things that draw you to someone are the things you will eventually try to fix or change in them to make them just like everybody else who causes you boredom.

 

You sound like you are just too young to be getting married, and that you need to mature a heck of a lot more before you can make this kind of commitment, perhaps even have your heart torn to shreds before you can appreciate what love is" and what to do "when the spark is gone" and stop relying on others to make you feel stimulated when you have the power to do that all on your own. Otherwise you will be 40 and still having the same problem and looking back on all the "ones that got away".

 

I wish you all the best with how you handle things going forward.

Edited July 17, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Redhead14]

I've been with my fiance for 6 years now, the longest relationship I've had and the best one by far, she's easily my best friend and I've never felt so comfortable around anyone like I am around her, I'm 28 she's now 26, 4 years into our relationship I had a drunk encounter with her friend, it didn't mean anything to me at the time and I have spent the last 2 years feeling guilty and punishing myself, in these last 2 years we got engaged, I was planning to do it before the thing happened with her friend, at the time I wanted to propose and be with her the rest of my life, I felt like I had learnt a lesson from what had happened and wouldn't allow my self to end up in another situation like it.

 

Until yesterday.

 

I kissed a girl, I wanted to do it, but as soon as it stopped I felt immense guilt, shame and anger at myself, I've been doubting our relationship for the last 4 months now seriously and I told her 3 months ago how I felt and that I was confused and didn't know how I felt and we nearly broke up but she was so distraught I couldn't leave her, I didn't want to at the time, so we agreed that I would have some counselling, I've done this since then and convinced myself I wanted to be with her.

 

Because of what happened yesterday I'm now having to rethink this relationship, she is a wonderful girl, attractive, funny, kind, caring the lot, but I just don't love her any more, (I think, I don't truly know I've always struggled with my feelings), our spark has gone, we rarely have sex and when we do its not passionate, We are due to get married soon and I know if I tell her how I feel it is going to break her heart and I do not want to do that to her, equally I do not want to live like this anymore. But I'm terrified of the fall out, I work with her sister, her parents have paid for the wedding, I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, I care about her so much but I don't know what to do, she loves me unconditionally and I know I don't deserve it because of what I did but I worry I won't find anyone that will accept me for who I am like she does, my head is so confused.

 

The spark is gone -- My friend, spark waxes and wanes in a relationship. The spark is high in the early stages of a relationship, because it's new, it's intense, etc. But that kind of spark doesn't stay the same or last forever.

 

Don't kid yourself that people in long-term relationships, 5, 10, 20, 30 years don't have periods where they "wonder" about what's out there once in a while. However, they embrace the concept of commitment on a real level and know that they need to re-focus on the relationship they have and address anything that's bothering them with that partner and work things out. If the sex is off for a bit, you give it a little time to see if things get back to normal, maybe it's just a blip. If not, then you address it, work out a compromise, explore, talk, etc.

 

And, people will date a person for a while, be worrying about when/if it will end, picking apart every little thing, feeling insecure. They can't wait to get out of the "insecure" period, get to the point where the relationship feels "comfortable" and then start wondering where the spark went. Usually, the spark isn't there because they've stopped doing the things that helped that spark be there in the first place. If you want to bring the romance, the spark, you have to get back to the basics and start romancing each other!

 

My point is, it's been six years with this woman and you asked her to marry you! You are now committed to her and the period of engagement is not about figuring out if she's the one, it's the period of planning for the future as a couple not re-thinking the relationship. Figuring out if she's the one should have been going on all the way up to the point you asked her to marry you.

 

All this being said though, if you are kissing other women and focusing so much on all that and can't trust YOURSELF because you are selfish, you should do her the favor, the courtesy of ending it with her so that she doesn't waste another 6 years of her life on you . . .

 

I worry I won't find anyone that will accept me for who I am like she does -- Frankly, I'm more worried about her for taking you back after your drunken foray. If I were her, I'd have bailed right then and there. I question the fact that she accepted your proposal after that and I have to wonder if she's basically saying the same thing to herself -- "I have to accept this schmuck because no one else will want me . . .". Maybe you two are suited for each other.

 

Keep up with the counseling . . . you're gonna need it.

Edited July 17, 2016 by Redhead14

[mrconfused88]

I appreciate all the feedback this has been a very difficult time for me, I know I don't deserve happiness after cheating, just to clarify the first occasion with her friend was a drunken thing in the back of the taxi we were sharing with my then girlfriend, she was crying about splitting up with her then ex boyfriend, I was offering comfort and then it let with her putting her hands where she shouldn't and I didn't stop her, I woke up the next day feeling physically sick, and have regretted it ever since, I'd like to add that I've tormented myself with this and have not just thought ah oh well.

 

I believe I've been the one who has extinguished the spark because I knew at some point down the line the guilt would catch up with me, and in pushing her away and not letting her in I've created this new issue, with this girl.

 

I've told my fiance the truth about her friend and this girl, 100% honest about what happened, she was upset of course she was and it was the first time I cried properly since my grandma passed away 9 days ago.

 

For some background in October last year we both found out we are at risk of losing our job, obviously this was a huge concern to us both and has probably stresses us out, we also tried moving in with her parents to save money for a house, this lasted 2 weeks as her dad had a go at me for not getting a 2nd job whilst she has 2, (I was actively looking for work I has applied for 8 or 9 different jobs), it resulted in him calling me a cunt and threatening to chuck me out, it was very messy and we left that night and he has since apologised but not face to face.

 

I have realised I do love my fiance, the guilt has eaten me alive, I'm not looking for any sympathy as I know I've done wrong and it's inexcusable but she wants to work on things as she doesn't want to throw 6 years away, I feel like she should hate me and feel I'm getting off incredibly lightly, we are going to spend some time apart to think things through, I feel numb and I don't know what to do, she means so much to me, I want to make it work but worry me cheating will always take its toll on the relationship, is it worth saving? I'm a perfectionist, I know it's pathetic to scrutinise someone you love but have I been doing that to make it easier for this moment? to break up with her? She doesn't want me to make up my mind now she thinks we need space, I do think the root problem in all of this is the first occasion with her friend, and it has driven me to become a unloving person because I've beaten myself up so much over it, taking my own life has crossed my mind but I won't actually do it, I know this is all my fault.

[NIGHT1985]

If she's wanting space, you should probably start accepting that it's over. She's gonna go to her friends and family for advice. And the fact you've cheated twice, with one time being very recent, isn't gonna look good on you. She won't be scle to trust you, especially with you having so many doubts. The responsible thing for you to do is just walk away and let her pick up the broken pieces that you're responsible for. She's gonna hurt for a long time, and probably not trust men for a long time, but I seriously doubt this relationship could ever work at this point.

 

I know it's hard to let go, it's killing me right now with my ex, but there someone else out there that will love her unconditionally and won't have any doubts about their future. If you care about her as much as you claim, don't you want to see her find someone that can give her all the dreams she desires?

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I have realised I do love my fiance, the guilt has eaten me alive, I'm not looking for any sympathy as I know I've done wrong and it's inexcusable but she wants to work on things as she doesn't want to throw 6 years away, I feel like she should hate me and feel I'm getting off incredibly lightly, we are going to spend some time apart to think things through, I feel numb and I don't know what to do, she means so much to me, I want to make it work but worry me cheating will always take its toll on the relationship, is it worth saving? I'm a perfectionist, I know it's pathetic to scrutinise someone you love but have I been doing that to make it easier for this moment? to break up with her? She doesn't want me to make up my mind now she thinks we need space, I do think the root problem in all of this is the first occasion with her friend, and it has driven me to become a unloving person because I've beaten myself up so much over it, taking my own life has crossed my mind but I won't actually do it, I know this is all my fault.

 

 

Exactly! Now you got to the root of what caused you what you have been feeling or (haven't been rather) and what caused you to cheat; your own stupidity and your own inability to keep your selfish needs in check.

 

It wasn't boredom and it wasn't how good she looked only in certain lights.

 

Yes, you could very well have sabotaged yourself because living with the guilt of what you did was too much to suppress. You said yourself you were going to ask her to marry you before you had the thing with the friend, you were fully in and fully into the idea of spending the rest of your life with her before you cheated. So what changed? You cheated, and lied, and held the lie in secret for years. That's what changed, it wasn't she who changed it was you.

 

You say you feel numb and don't know what to do. You don't have to do anything now, you did what you should and got the dirty secret out and faced the music.

 

Don't be so sure she will always be there and you are getting away unscathed. She is having a knee jerk reaction based on the fact that she doesn't want to lose you or the idea of getting married. It's all too soon and she is in a highly emotional state. Give it time, she might just come to her senses and when the days and weeks start to pass and she tells her loved ones about what happened they will all try to convince her to move on and once what you did to her sinks in she may very well change her stance and the "trial separation" will become a permanent one.

 

This may just be the tough lesson you need to cure you from cheating on anyone ever again.

[Redhead14]

I appreciate all the feedback this has been a very difficult time for me, I know I don't deserve happiness after cheating, just to clarify the first occasion with her friend was a drunken thing in the back of the taxi we were sharing with my then girlfriend, she was crying about splitting up with her then ex boyfriend, I was offering comfort and then it let with her putting her hands where she shouldn't and I didn't stop her, I woke up the next day feeling physically sick, and have regretted it ever since, I'd like to add that I've tormented myself with this and have not just thought ah oh well.

 

I believe I've been the one who has extinguished the spark because I knew at some point down the line the guilt would catch up with me, and in pushing her away and not letting her in I've created this new issue, with this girl.

 

I've told my fiance the truth about her friend and this girl, 100% honest about what happened, she was upset of course she was and it was the first time I cried properly since my grandma passed away 9 days ago.

 

For some background in October last year we both found out we are at risk of losing our job, obviously this was a huge concern to us both and has probably stresses us out, we also tried moving in with her parents to save money for a house, this lasted 2 weeks as her dad had a go at me for not getting a 2nd job whilst she has 2, (I was actively looking for work I has applied for 8 or 9 different jobs), it resulted in him calling me a cunt and threatening to chuck me out, it was very messy and we left that night and he has since apologised but not face to face.

 

I have realised I do love my fiance, the guilt has eaten me alive, I'm not looking for any sympathy as I know I've done wrong and it's inexcusable but she wants to work on things as she doesn't want to throw 6 years away, I feel like she should hate me and feel I'm getting off incredibly lightly, we are going to spend some time apart to think things through, I feel numb and I don't know what to do, she means so much to me, I want to make it work but worry me cheating will always take its toll on the relationship, is it worth saving? I'm a perfectionist, I know it's pathetic to scrutinise someone you love but have I been doing that to make it easier for this moment? to break up with her? She doesn't want me to make up my mind now she thinks we need space, I do think the root problem in all of this is the first occasion with her friend, and it has driven me to become a unloving person because I've beaten myself up so much over it, taking my own life has crossed my mind but I won't actually do it, I know this is all my fault.

 

Listen, she, for whatever reason, has decided to forgive you. You need to swallow that guilt and focus on showing her that you are worthy of her forgiveness in every way possible. It will take a long time for her to get past the insecurity you've created. Stop thinking about yourself and your guilt and start thinking about nothing but her, the relationship and the future you want for it and showing her that she is the most important thing in your life.

 

Yes, you made a "mistake" and the only way to recover from a mistake is to acknowledge it and learn from it and then move forward from that point on with a re-focused and determined effort not to repeat it. Not wallowing in self-loathing and finding ways to make her push you away because that's they way you think she should handle it and because you think that's what you deserve. She gets to decide whether not you deserve her and/or whether or not she will allow you to show her whether or not you do. So take the pressure off yourself . . . you don't get to decide what she should or shouldn't do. You only get to decide what you should or shouldn't do . . .

 

I feel like she should hate me -- Do not presume to tell her what she should or should not feel. That is for her to decide and manage!

 

I'm getting off incredibly lightly ??? -- It will be very difficult for you for a long, long time. You will be walking on eggshells worrying about how to show her you do love her and trying to quell her insecurities.

 

The first step to all this is stop thinking about yourself. Talk to her, tell her you are so sorry for what you did and are thinking right now. Tell her you understand how this has hurt her, and acknowledge her pain.

 

Scrutinize . . . I been doing that to make it easier for this moment? -- That is classic deflection. A person wrongs another and then start looking for problems in the other person to negate/justify their behavior. Stop doing that!

 

She's asked for space now, you need to give it to her and take it for yourself. Get clear in your head, both heads, and figure yourself out. When you two come together again to talk, if that happens, make a plan for moving forward. Whatever she asks from you, you must do and for a long time.