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I'm due to get married in 3 months, but I'm scared she's not the one for me.

mrconfused88

By mrconfused88
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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mrconfused88 Member

mrconfused88

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I've been with my fiance for 6 years now, the longest relationship I've had and the best one by far, she's easily my best friend and I've never felt so comfortable around anyone like I am around her, I'm 28 she's now 26, 4 years into our relationship I had a drunk encounter with her friend, it didn't mean anything to me at the time and I have spent the last 2 years feeling guilty and punishing myself, in these last 2 years we got engaged, I was planning to do it before the thing happened with her friend, at the time I wanted to propose and be with her the rest of my life, I felt like I had learnt a lesson from what had happened and wouldn't allow my self to end up in another situation like it.

 

Until yesterday.

 

I kissed a girl, I wanted to do it, but as soon as it stopped I felt immense guilt, shame and anger at myself, I've been doubting our relationship for the last 4 months now seriously and I told her 3 months ago how I felt and that I was confused and didn't know how I felt and we nearly broke up but she was so distraught I couldn't leave her, I didn't want to at the time, so we agreed that I would have some counselling, I've done this since then and convinced myself I wanted to be with her.

 

Because of what happened yesterday I'm now having to rethink this relationship, she is a wonderful girl, attractive, funny, kind, caring the lot, but I just don't love her any more, (I think, I don't truly know I've always struggled with my feelings), our spark has gone, we rarely have sex and when we do its not passionate, We are due to get married soon and I know if I tell her how I feel it is going to break her heart and I do not want to do that to her, equally I do not want to live like this anymore. But I'm terrified of the fall out, I work with her sister, her parents have paid for the wedding, I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, I care about her so much but I don't know what to do, she loves me unconditionally and I know I don't deserve it because of what I did but I worry I won't find anyone that will accept me for who I am like she does, my head is so confused.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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As you know, there is no easy solution. The ramifications of whichever decision you make will be difficult.

 

It seems quite clear that you care about your fiancee, but you are not in love with her. It will hurt her, but I would strongly advise you to end the relationship. Your heart isn't in it, and it's not fair to her to go through with this wedding under these circumstances.

 

In the time you have been together, you have already been unfaithful twice. That is a very significant indication that you are not ready to commit to a marriage at this point in your life.

 

She will be upset. Her family will be upset. But from my point of view, it's the right thing to do when you know you don't love in the way a husband-to-be should. You attempted counseling and it hasn't changed the way you feel, because underneath it all, you know this isnt' the right choice for you.

 

You need to sit her down immediately and let her know this relationship isn't working anymore. Don't let her marry you knowing you're not in it. Let her go so someday she can heal and find a man who truly does want to commit to her. You will both be happier for it, in the long-run.

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SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

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Don't marry her. You don't love her, have cheated on her twice and will do it again in the future and leave her. That will hurt her more than breaking it off now.

 

I married a girl I didn't want to because I thought I couldn't find anyone else as loyal and who was ok with who I am. We ended up in divorce and it crushed her. I still feel like an ass about it.

 

Do both yourselves a favor and end it. Also, don't be tempted to get her back when you are lonely. Just set her free. There is a guy out there who will love her the way she deserves.

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Addicted18 Member

Addicted18

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If you are still confused about your feelings for her, the best thing to do is be honest and don't marry her because you will eventually leave her and hurt her even more than if you broke it off now. If you think you need time to figure out your feelings, post pone the wedding until you are sure you love her and want to marry her.

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mrconfused88 Member

mrconfused88

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I just don't know when the right time is? She's due to go on her hen weekend in 2 weeks, can I not let her have one happy weekend?

 

It's selfish of me to not want to tell her but I'm scared she will do something silly, I don't know whether to tell her about kissing the girl etc I think if I do tell her she will hate me and I don't want that, it'd hard knowing once I end things we won't be the same and I will miss her, she deserves someone to love her like she loves but why isn't that me? I really want it to be me, but when I'm honest with myself I know I'm not the right man for her and that breaks my heart.

Poppyolive Established Member

Poppyolive

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Do it sooner rather than later. Having her hen party and then telling her is unkind. Hen parties are to celebrate your final single days before getting married. If you know what you're going to do don't embarrass her in front of her friends. Let them instead spend the hen money on comforting her and helping her heal. Also, when you do tell her, please don't fill her with false hope that you could change your mind. Don't torment her more than is necessary.

 

I agree with the others, don't marry her. Tell her so and leave her be. I'm disappointed that you have waited so long, and only months before the wedding. Why did you ask.her to marry you? Why allow her parents to pay? Why cheat? Don't waste any more of her time.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Although I don't fully understand, I wish you peace. Do the right thing this time.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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I just don't know when the right time is? She's due to go on her hen weekend in 2 weeks, can I not let her have one happy weekend?

 

 

NO, tell her right now. She can use the hen weekend to get over the break up. It would be cruel to let her go on the W/E thinking she is getting married and then dashing her hopes when she comes back.

 

DO not say anything about the women you kissed/screwed, DO NOT muck up her trust in men for the future.

YOU would only be doing it to assuage your own guilt, DO NOT DO IT.

 

Tell her you have just changed your mind and that she is not the girl for you and you do not want to marry her, not now, not ever.

Be clear and leave no room for doubt.

Nothing worse than being strung along, hoping...

 

If you cancel everything now then she maybe able to get refunds on the cancellations, leaving it to the last minute will be very costly. The invitations may not even be sent out yet and few or no wedding presents to return - leaving it till the last thing will be highly embarrassing, the less embarrassment and upset the better surely?

Tell her NOW.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I just don't know when the right time is? She's due to go on her hen weekend in 2 weeks, can I not let her have one happy weekend?

 

It's selfish of me to not want to tell her but I'm scared she will do something silly, I don't know whether to tell her about kissing the girl etc I think if I do tell her she will hate me and I don't want that, it'd hard knowing once I end things we won't be the same and I will miss her, she deserves someone to love her like she loves but why isn't that me? I really want it to be me, but when I'm honest with myself I know I'm not the right man for her and that breaks my heart.

 

Good heavens man, do not let her go and celebrate her upcoming wedding and then break it to her that there won't be one. That would be awful, because she'd know you had the intention of ending it and yet kept it to yourself. Waiting until after her party will rub salt in the wound, take my word for it.

 

Talk to her immediately. There is no "right" time to this. But it would be very wrong to allow the wedding planning to continue knowing you don't want to marry her.

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Rupert Member

Rupert

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Wow. I feel for you man. That is a tough situation and, sorry to say, it makes me feel better about mine.

 

That being said, it seems you lost the lust and fire in your relationship and that equates hard into love. My advice, is be honest with your partner, and tell her you don't love her like used to. Or bring up how she can make you happy. Either way I wouldn't marry her. That is a big step, and she deserves not to waste her time (and you too).

 

It's going to suck sorry dude.

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mrconfused88 Member

mrconfused88

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I'm scared about the fall out, it will crush her, we have a very close family funeral in under 2 weeks and I want her to be there for that, I'm also starting a new job with her sister tomorrow, I just know how embarrassing it's going to be for her to have a wedding called off, she's got her dress and everything, she went out last night and she looked gorgeous, am I just feeling aware of that now as I'm going to lose her? I always assumed when I've been broken up with they didn't care, but why do I have so many doubts, am I scared about being single? The same thing happened to her sister before w got together and I know her family treated her boyfriend like a daughter but now they hate her and I don't want to be hated like he is, despite my doubts over the last 3 or 4 months I can't imagine being with anyone else, I don't want to be, we've planned kids getting a house I'm in so deep.

Bialy Established Member

Bialy

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Don't marry her. Seriously. Any family member who is angry with your decision is being selfish and idiotic. You would be doing her a HUGE favor by ending it.

 

It'll hurt, but with time, things will get better for her.

 

Both of you are young.

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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Three months may be enough time to put the brakes on. I'll say this...if you marry and then decide to end it or sabotage the relationship b/c you have fully convinced yourself that you made a mistake...that, my friend, is worse. In the mean time, you should seriously ask yourself, why now? Why the doubts and be honest about it.

 

EDIT: Dang it! Didn't read your whole post. You are not ready to settle down with a single woman. DO NOT MARRY HER!

Edited by simpleNfit
veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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You need to tell her about your doubts and ask if she will go to a couples counselor with you, or go to a counselor yourself. You are in your head and need objective help to sort through your overwhelming feelings before you make a rash decision you may regret. Can you guys postpone the wedding?

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mrconfused88 Member

mrconfused88

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I've been to counselling myself, I don't think she would and I don't think that's the answer, we've drifted apart, my head feels like it's going to explode, I don't want to hurt this girl as despite me no longer loving her I care so much about her, I don't think postponing the wedding is the answer, although I think that is the pressure point looming, I think to myself maybe when we are married I'll love her more, maybe when we have kids I'll love her more but I should just love her now right? 6 years isn't that long to feel this way considering getting married is meant to symbolise spending your whole life together.

 

I'm due to start a new job Monday, the one with her sister, I'm scared that she will also hate me especially as this has happened before to her, although she's now settled herself.

 

What if me ending things is a mistake? I'm worried about the damage I'll do to her, I spoke with one of my friends today about this and he was very shocked as he thought we were very happy together.

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mrconfused88 Member

mrconfused88

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Also what if me ending it is just a knee jerk reaction in relation to the guilt I'm feeling because of kissing this girl?

LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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Hmm...should you marry this girl after nailing her friend 4 years into the relationship, "feeling guilty" for 2 years but then recovering from that guilt enough to kiss another girl? The Magic 8-Ball says...HELL NO.

 

Will her family hate you? Probably. That's kind of how life works, if you do horrible things to someone or their family, they may decide they're not too fond of you anymore. You can either man up, break things off now, and deal with the fall out, or find yourself trapped in a miserable marriage. It's a lose-lose situation that you created and now have to handle.

 

Marriage is a huge commitment and it's clear you're not ready for it.

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bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

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I'm scared about the fall out, it will crush her, we have a very close family funeral in under 2 weeks and I want her to be there for that, I'm also starting a new job with her sister tomorrow, I just know how embarrassing it's going to be for her to have a wedding called off, she's got her dress and everything, she went out last night and she looked gorgeous, am I just feeling aware of that now as I'm going to lose her? I always assumed when I've been broken up with they didn't care, but why do I have so many doubts, am I scared about being single? The same thing happened to her sister before w got together and I know her family treated her boyfriend like a daughter but now they hate her and I don't want to be hated like he is, despite my doubts over the last 3 or 4 months I can't imagine being with anyone else, I don't want to be, we've planned kids getting a house I'm in so deep.

 

Ya know maybe it would be the right thing to stop thinking only about yourself and start thinking about her. So far you more concerned about your feelings then hers. It's time you told her and take your lumps. You created this mess so now you have to deal with it.

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Pud Member

Pud

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I too was in a very similar position to you, we split just over 3 months ago after a 5year relationship.

 

We also had no spark, no passion, I didn't find her attractive, didn't enjoy her company but in turn she loved me so much, she gave me everything she wore her heart on sleeve, did everything for me, is the most caring, loving, honest, selfless person I have ever met in my life. She put up with my anxiety's and my issues with my sons mother and never moaned. I can't tell you how perfect she is.... For someone else, not me.

 

Every time she would ask about marriage I would change the subject, never spoke about my feelings, never wanted to do anything she wanted and just become friends.

 

Once we broke up about 4 weeks later it hit me hard, like a brick wall... All of a sudden she was so good looking and I found her so attractive and she was perfect for me, I tried to get her back and there was 1 day that nearly happend but didn't.

 

Basically what I'm saying is she's not the one for you, you should feel that love every morning, every evening, everyday with no questions.

 

It's going to be tough mate, real tough see the person you've been with for the last 6years crying begging to take her back but you can't mate.

 

At my lowest I'd txt her, ring her but a few good people on here told me to leave her alone so she can greive and get over me and it was just lonleiness for my part.

 

It's going to be a rough ride for both of you, there will seem easier options (to get back together) but don't, ride those waves mate.

 

Good luck buddy, you know what you have todo

NIGHT1985 Established Member

NIGHT1985

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Yep. We've been there. And once you leave her, you're gonna start thinking or realizing how amazing she is, whether this is your pride/loneliness/or you finally thinking clearly, it's really time to just let her to. You've cheated on her twice, this isn't gonna work out, and she deserves better. Please let her go. I know it sucks, I was terrible to my ex in many ways(didn't cheat on her though) and now she is with a good guy that is treating her like he's her world. I know I wasn't right for her, but damn it still hurts.

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mrconfused88 Member

mrconfused88

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I'm going to tell her today, I'm scared but I know I have to do it, I've met with her sister to tell her because I'm worried about what she will do when I tell her, and she will need support as soon as possible, it felt right telling her sister so I know that deep down its the right thing to do, I do still love her but not as I should, I care for her and want her to be happy, unfortunately as much as I make her happy she doesn't make me feel the same and I think I've hung on for so long because I've kept hoping it would change, she deserves someone that loves her for her 100%, I used to but that's changed now so I have to be honest, it's going to be a messy fallout but I belive this is the right thing to do, I just worry that I'll regret it.

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Pud Member

Pud

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Mate listen to me, the first Saturday night alone you will regret it, the first Sunday night that is normally a takeaway night and your alone you will regret it, not having those meaning full texts asking about your day, wishing you all the best for interviews and being your rock through hard times you will regret, seeing her with other men you will also regret it, BUT that is all lonliness and a damaged pride your going to have to get over.

 

It's hard mate real hard but as you've said you know deep down your doing the right thing and one day youll meet someone that you do love and you won't cheat on because you do want to marry them.

 

As someone pointed out the pain is very real and will be for some time.

 

Good luck mate your doing the right thing, hope it goes as well as it can for you today, it's going to be hard but you can do this.

 

Good luck

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mrconfused88 Member

mrconfused88

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She put a photo up on Facebook last night and I thought she looked gorgeous, sometimes she does look stunning but I don't always think she is, I pick out her flaws in my head, I'm doubting myself now but I think that's because she's due home any minute and I'm dreading the conversation.

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mrconfused88 Member

mrconfused88

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I also can't imagine her not in my life.

lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

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You will probably regret it in the beginning, when it will look and feel like you've torpedoed your entire life for no good reason. It will be awful for a while. But however bad it becomes, it's nothing like what would've happened had you gone through with this wedding. You think your life is ruined now? Imagine finally meeting the one true love of your life, because you inevitably will, AFTER you're married with two kids and a mortgage. Talk about dropping a bomb; the fallout would destroy you, her, your families, your livelihoods, etc.

 

She may very well hate you til the day she dies for this, but I think it's more likely after five or ten years she'll be grateful. You guys are both so young and still learning who you are. You cannot in good conscience lead her into a marriage that's doomed to fail.

Edited by lana-banana
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Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

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I dunnow about the advice in this thread!?

 

In 6 years that "in-love" feeling is going to waver, you said yourself that the sex has gone down significantly too, no wonder you don't feel any spark you aren't sharing any passion or intimacy. You are nothing more than friends living together.

 

You haven't really said why you don't think you are in love with her what it is that you feel (seeing as you are waffling quite a bit and my observation in reading when you go back on your decision is that it usually centres around her attractiveness) so if that is the case and you just don't find her attractive anymore that is pretty significant. But it looks like you do according to your comments.

 

There is also the cheating twice. That is an issue and the fact you keep disrespecting her like that is like you are either crying for help or really want out. I haven't decided yet. I don't even think you know.

 

What about your therapy, what does your therapist advice you to do?

 

Be very careful about following advice from people on here who are gun-ho on telling you to break it off and not marry her unless you are 100% sure that is what you want.

 

The fact you are asking complete strangers online, having family and friends to advise you and a therapist on such a huge decision leads me to think you don't really want out, you need to reconnect with her and you need to figure out how.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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