He is 17 years older/ I am having doubts

[Bammy34]

Hi all, I hope someone can give me some good advice.

 

I met this man in the building where I work. He works in another agency in th same building. We started out as friends and he was very supportive of we while I was on probation at work and dealing with a jerk of a supervisor.

 

I later found out he is 52 and has He has 1 child who is 17 but does not live with him. I was a little surprise at his age because he looks so young. I am 34. After dating a few weeks, he told me he is still married but is in the process of a divorce. He was able to show me the paper work where he started the process. However he stayed separated with her for 10 years. Ok so, I respected his honesty and continued to date him. A few weeks later he told me he was married when he was a lot younger., but that it too ended in divorce. I was upset but felt that he told me in the beginning so it's ok.Ok so we continued dating and then I learn at 52 years of age this man has never had a drivers license. And though he has been to Puerto Rico and Canada once, he has never been to any other state outside of the one we live in. I also found out he only got an associates degree and didn't pursue anything else. He has been at his job for the last 10 years and at 34 I make a lot more money than him. He lives in a income based apartment paying 800 dollars while I live with my daughter paying 1200 rent a month. I also saw text message where I read him asking one of his friends for money.

 

I tried to put all my concerns aside because he is a great man. He is always here for me, and cooks and pamper me when I am at his home or when he is at mine

He is a loving man and have a lot of the qualities I look for in a man. But I am concerned if I should pursue this that I will be choosing a harder future. I have worked so hard to get to where I am. I put myself through school as a single mom and obtained my masters. I work very hard and am still working to accomplish more goals. he says he doesn't want to lose me and is willing to do this and that but I am not sure if I buy the lip services because he promised to work on getting his drivers permit this month and everytime I bring it up we get into an argument. We both agreed we didn't want anymore biological children but he knows and is ok with me becoming a foster mom someday.

 

I am not looking for a rich man here, but i need a man that is goal oriented and can be a good provider too. Am I wrong for this? wanting someone who is at least my equal. I have had a hard life and would rather be alone than spend my life settling down with a much older man that is ok where he is at in his life. He says he wants to improve but he stayed at his job for 10 years and I don't foresee him doing more at the age of 52. He also works a part time job and even with that and his full time job he still struggles plus he has a daughter he has to help through college. I am so torned. Help!!!

[SevenCity]

That's a tough one. There is nothing wrong with seeking someone who is your equal.

 

That said, finding a compatible match is not easy at all. Finding someone who ticks most of the boxes is what most people are happy with - love allows them to gloss over the rest.

 

Why not speak to him about your concerns and see if he is ok with being put on a time table for improvement? You can't change someone but you can encourage them to better themselves if they want to.

[Emilia]

Provider for what? You want to live off him?

[Bammy34]

It is tough because he is a awesome guy, probably the best guy I have ever had. Not many guys will be ok with their woman having foster children. He has always supported me in everything and does his best to treat me nicely.

 

He said he is willing to work on himself and be in a better place in three years. I mean he works two jobs .He is great at listening to

Me and has helped me weather so many storms. He is a gentle

Man and always opens doors for me, iron my clothes for

Work when I stay over. He takes me on the best dates ever

And always brings me flowers.

 

I really want to look past it and appreciate this man because I know his qualities are priceless.

 

I just wish I weren't so confused.

 

Thanks again seven

[BlueIris]

It sounds as though he’s a pleasant person but lacks the initiative and spirited can-do personality that you have. At 52, it’s unlikely that he's going to have more energy and initiative in the years to come. Plus, he’s still married. I wouldn’t see him as a good match for an LTR.

[Bammy34]

You raise some great points. He is 52, and energy level does go down as one tend to age. It's like My gut and heart are at odds.

 

I don't understand how he didn't want more for himself given that he was raised during a time when it was easier to earn a college degree. I mean he had no excuse for not becoming his full potential. Sometimes I feel upset with him for this and I feel bad for feeling that way.

 

My heart says stay and let him prove himself

And my gut says end it now and don't waste your life hoping he can do all he says he still wants to do. I refuse to bear the financial burden for a 52 year old man. If he were closer to my age I could grow with him but he is 52 and

Make atleast 10 grand less than me. I am a single mom supporting my child, paying off student loans and living a decent life where I have all that I need. I told him I believe a man should provide a home and if we end up together he cannot afford to rent an apartment over 1200. I mean with a child we will need a bigger place and a 2 bedroom runs 1600 in the city I reside.

 

I know I might sound harsh, but I worked my arse off in school to provide for myself and I just cannot end up with a man that cannot be the provider he ought to be.

I know I might get some harsh replies, but I can only speak my truth.

[Sunlight72]

Short answer -

end it with him firmly; with kindness, but firmly.

 

Longer answer -

He is a respectful, good man. Who ultimately is not a good match for you.

 

You want someone more in control of their finances, less tangled in his past life and more able to build a new life with you into the future. He's a great guy, he's just not the great guy for you.

 

You are looking at a career you are just developing, and which (it sounds like) you are planning to parlay into bigger opportunities and more responsibility in the future.

 

It sounds like he is trying not to get fired before retirement.

 

Those are two very different mindsets. Different lifestyles. My impression is that you are and will continue to be disappointed with his level of drive and the way he takes command of his life.

 

That is not fair to him.

 

I was married to someone like that, and it is a real crappy feeling for your spouse to be always hoping and praying that you will magically become focused on a better-paying career. He's not that interested in it now, he won't be later. But you will get more tired of it.

 

He is who he is at 52, and it is not your place to change him into who you want to be with. It is your place to find the man who you want to be with.

 

The longer you wait, the harder it will be to break it off respectfully, and therefore the longer it will be until you are available to find the guy you're really well-matched with.

 

This is just based on what you've written here - there may be other factors, but they'd need to be pretty substantial to balance out what you've written. If you would be delighted with a supportive man, who is good with your daughter, then I would say you should stick with him longer, and keep reviewing (in your own mind) how you feel about him in your gut, and if it balances out the parts of his personality and life that make you doubtful.

 

I don't get the impression that you would be delighted with him as (for example) a stay at home dad & home maker who has a part time job on the side. I get the impression he may be happy with that if it worked out that way.

 

Someone would love to have him as he is.

 

------------------

also;

 

-he's married

 

-he's 17 years older, which is a real thing. You're talking a lot about marriage topics. So, when you're really cranking in your career and your daughter has left home he'll be 66 or 68. You'll be ready to travel and/or take on new life projects.

 

I have a friend who is now 68, and recently divorced her 84 year old husband. She was his caretaker for about 8 years. I'm not going to go into why they divorced, but she did share with me that she now feels she 'lost' her last good decade of energy and mobility being his caregiver and she wishes she could get it back.

 

-you're talking about foster kids in the future. His personality sounds like he could be a great foster parent, but will he have the energy in 5 to 10 more years?

 

-my ex-girlfriend of 4 years said something to me a couple times that sounds like something you might be feeling. I thought we were great partners. She thought so too. But a couple times she said, "I just want you to be the leader some times. I'm tired of sharing decisions all the time." It sounds like you want a man who is more of a leader than this man is.

 

These thoughts might not be applicable to you - they come from my own life. But I hope they might help you think about your situation in a new way.

 

If you find yourself reading my discouraging points, and going, "I don't care about that, my man is wonderful and makes me feel loved, and makes my daughter's eyes light up, and I can't picture being this happy without him", then follow those feelings

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[Sunlight72]

I know I might get some harsh replies, but I can only speak my truth.

I think you're doing a good job of being honest. That is important!

 

Dating is about meeting someone, and seeing how good of a match you two are. If you find out during the dating that you are doubtful and disappointed, then that is a valid conclusion.

[elaine567]

He is only saying he wants to change his life to keep you on board.

He gets upset when you suggest he learns to drive, he is going to get mightily upset when you want him to "accomplish more goals" in his life and work.

 

He is a nice man, but he is not the man for you. He is happy toddling along. He is not 32, he is 52 and whilst some at 52 are still go-getters, I guess he isn't one of them.

He has a daughter to think about and although he is saying he is happy to foster with you, I would guess it is not something he is passionate about.

He hasn't even managed to get up enough energy to get a divorce after 10 years of separation.

Even if you were also 52, I do not think, by what you write here, you would be a match even then.

[Bammy34]

Your thoughtful response meant so much. thank

You for not judging me.

 

This is a very difficult situation especially because he keeps telling me he doesn't want to loose me. Life is so unfair sometimes. The best guy I have ever met just might not be for me because of all the circumstances.

 

Make me just want to bawl my eyes out. But reality is reality. But I must face reality. Just so hard to let go

[Bammy34]

He says he is willing to get a better paying job, and does get job offer. He did file his divorce paper work like he said. But for some reason I don't believe he will do these things.

 

He says he will and I should be patient but my gut tells me he is just telling me what I want to hear just to keep me.

 

I like older men because I find them mature than men my age, but after dating a few older men and being engage to a older man for a while, I realize I should choose a partner I could grow with. My ex fiancé was 15 years older, stable but I was very unhappy in the very small town we lived in plus he was so

Controlling.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I am looking for a father figure because I didn't really have a dad. Though I am really attracted to older men I need more than love to remain with a man 17 years older whom I will have to nurse when I am in my prime. However I could be the one needing nursing.

 

It sound awful, but after a hard life and getting to where I am, I want my life to be for me and to enjoy it the best I can and stop making stupid mistakes with how I pick partners.

 

I am happy by myself and feel like a whole human being. I have a great kid who is 17, and I have already worked my way up to supervisor at 34. I go after my goals and I need that in a partner.

 

With all that said, I still adore this man so bloody much

[xbronze]

This guy seems to be a wonderful guy who loves you so much and does so much for you.

 

I would strongly encourage you to rethink any decision to dump him despite him being so caring and loving. You may really regret this decision. I say so because you are very clear that he is unique and loves you sincerely.

 

Ask yourself how you would feel if you dumped him and down the road you find that he is now committed to another woman and the two of them are going to get married. Would it tear your heart apart knowing that this loving man who loved you so much, is now going to be another woman's husband?

[Sunlight72]

Your thoughtful response meant so much.

You're very welcome Bammy. A few years ago when I was trying to understand how to stop choosing relationships that made my life disappointing and broke my heart, I got some good advice here.

 

I was 37 then, and thought I couldn't survive another heartbreaking relationship again on the one hand, and was too old to begin building a life with someone new on the other.

 

Now I'm 44, and life is just so much brighter and easier emotionally than I thought possible! Everything isn't perfect, and I had a tough 18 months while I learned new relationship skills, and learned to be more honest with myself, but I am happy to be living my life and hope to share some self-building with other people on the path.

 

Just so hard to let go������������

Boy, oh boy, I know. It is very hard

 

When you're alone, and calm, and think of you and your daughter I think you'll know what to choose - not because it's easy, but because it offers the chance of a fulfilling life. It may yet be Mr. Sweetie, I don't know.

 

I now work over the long-term to steer my life in such a way that I reach more forks in the road with 2 good choices. Choosing between 2 cruddy options is the pits. Choosing one good option over another is hard, but the result is going to be good either way!

 

I feel blessed now to often be looking at such options that any decision I take at that junction is going to end well. It sounds to me like you've worked hard at preparing your path so that you have now reached a fork with two good options - go further your own way, or build a life with this man. Congratulations on preparing yourself two good paths to choose from!

 

Here's your Gold Star for the summer of 2016! (!Ding!)

 

Sincerely,

Sunlight

Edited July 16, 2016 by Sunlight72

[longjohn]

I'll give the guy credit for dating a much younger woman and looking younger however I think this one is a dead end for you regardless of how great he is as a person. I'd be running for the hills as he's still technically married. I didn't reenter the dating pool until I was legally divorced that took a year. I didn't expect any lady to take me seriously while I was still "married". Realistically he's 52.. 10 years from now he's 62 unless he's in excellent shape and staying that way you might want to reconsider. Income can be an issue (but not always) however if your making more at 34 vs him at 52 it has to make you question his ability to get up and go, go after what he wants. If he's skint enough to be asking friends for $ he might one day ask you the same or moving in to cut his costs further.

 

Paying $800 a month for rent isn't a horrible thing unless it's ghetto. I bought a house during the downturn for the equivalent of $600 a month, fixed it up and made a few $ off it when I sold it and bought a bigger place. Having "only" an associates (I've got the equivalent) isn't a bad thing, it's how you apply yourself in the working world and how you advance and climb the ladder. All professions have various licenses to be obtained, certifications to acquire and other avenues to advance academically that turns into a bigger pay cheque.

 

OP I can relate to what your saying on many levels. I too have worked hard to get to where I'm at. All in all I don't think if I were in your shoes I'd be sticking around. I'd be looking someone no more than 10yrs my senior with a normal to equivalent income, work ethic and similar drive. It might be a tall order but better to be alone and happy vs with someone and carrying their weight eventually.

[joseb]

Not everyone wants to make lots of money, or "make the most of themselves" the way you see it (i.e career wise).

At 52 he isn't going to change, so you have two choices.

Accept him the way he is, or move on and find someone whose goals are closer to yours.

[Lois_Griffin]

You raise some great points. He is 52, and energy level does go down as one tend to age. It's like My gut and heart are at odds.

 

I don't understand how he didn't want more for himself given that he was raised during a time when it was easier to earn a college degree. I mean he had no excuse for not becoming his full potential. Sometimes I feel upset with him for this and I feel bad for feeling that way.

 

My heart says stay and let him prove himself

And my gut says end it now and don't waste your life hoping he can do all he says he still wants to do. I refuse to bear the financial burden for a 52 year old man. If he were closer to my age I could grow with him but he is 52 and

Make atleast 10 grand less than me. I am a single mom supporting my child, paying off student loans and living a decent life where I have all that I need. I told him I believe a man should provide a home and if we end up together he cannot afford to rent an apartment over 1200. I mean with a child we will need a bigger place and a 2 bedroom runs 1600 in the city I reside.

 

I know I might sound harsh, but I worked my arse off in school to provide for myself and I just cannot end up with a man that cannot be the provider he ought to be.

I know I might get some harsh replies, but I can only speak my truth.

Why would you even be interested in a middle-aged man anyway? So when you're 52 you can start carting him off to the doctor once a week for all his old age ailments and eventually become his nurse?

 

Why wouldn't you seek out your EQUAL?

 

I'm not sure if you want to have any more kids or not but if you DO, you're barking up the wrong tree here. Not only will he be too old to be an active father to a child, by the time the kid graduates, he'll be well into his 70's.

 

You also have to wonder why a man in his 50's is chasing women in their 30's. Does he think he's too much of a stud to lower himself to being with women his OWN age? There's just something kind of sleazy about men who do this. Or is it because women his own age can't be bothered with someone whose STILL married and will eventually have TWO divorces under his belt?

 

Seek out someone at your level, not someone you'll probably have to carry in the future - financially as well as physically. I get the impression he sees you as his retirement 'insurance.' Someone who'll support him in his old age and take care of him when he's no longer able to care for himself.

 

You can do SO much better than this.

[OnlyHonesty]

 

I really want to look past it and appreciate this man because I know his qualities are priceless.

 

I just wish I weren't so confused.

 

Thanks again seven

 

 

You cannot do this because you cannot love him for who he is without looking at what he does, and what he does or does not have.

 

You are confused because you cannot fully admit this truth to yourself without feeling bad so you keep on changing direction.

 

This man was probably happy exactly how he was...happy to have barely left his own country but you are already trying to change him.

 

The only reason why you are sticking around is because you don't feel many other men will accept you for who you are...the irony does not escape me.

[Bammy34]

Thank you all for not judging me and giving me some great advice

 

I spoke to him last night and I have decided to end it the next time I see him. Though he is a great guy I now know he is not for me. It's sad, but it's the truth

 

Now I will get to concentrate on myself and continue reaching my goals. I feel like a whole human being with my whole life ahead of me and since we only get one shot at life, I am going to be very wise in every decision I make including who I end up with.

 

Thank you all so much for helping me be brave enough to face what I always knew was the truth.

 

Sunlight- your name fits you. You are friggen awesome. Thanks again. Cheers

[KamaKyzie]

My advice is to steer clear of a sugar daddy relationship. Every one I've seen has ended in flames and the younger party has walked away with a healthy payout, which I suspect was their motive all along. I am unsure as to what your motives are, but I would bet that in 10 years time you will lose attraction and become his nurse. I can't help but wonder what your motives are.