Beautywithin Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 So i started a new job, 2 yrs ago, there was a co worker who would annoy the hell out of me and to start with i just found him irritating, after a while we started talking and we had a lot in common, i'm single but he has a girlfriend so i new nothing could ever happen. Over the last several months we would email and talk daily - he would always know if i was feeling a bit down and would try and cheer me up, we shared our hopes and dreams and he became my best friend. ( nothing psychical has ever happened ) 2 weeks ago he sent me an email saying he cant do this anymore, can't be my friend or even talk to me, he feels guilty because he does care about me but is in a relationship and wants to do the right thing but also don't want to hurt me and his so sorry! as much as i wanted to reply and tell him how i felt.. i didn't. so for the last 2 weeks work has been hell, still having to see him, hear him joking and laughing, while inside im dying - i miss him, i cant understand why he would just not talk to me at all? did i really mean that little to him? I'm more angry at myself for letting him in, i mean to start with i found him so annoying - yet he managed to get into my heart. I'm considering looking elsewhere for work, as i'm not sure i can bare seeing him all the time, People come into your life for a reason - i truly believe that, but it will take some time before i can work out why he came into mine.
Heart..PLS STAHP Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 You sure you're not in love? What he is saying either sounds to me that his gf found out and made him stop or he started developing feelings for you. How does he act now does he not acknowledge your existence at all? Doubt he doesn't care at all because only someone absolutely heartless couldn't care less after such a contact you told us. 2
smudge21 Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Sounds like you both fell for each other and because of his relationship he didn't want to go there (got to respect him for that). He may be hurting just as much inside but putting on a work face. Sadly there's not much you can do in this situation (which is why so many say avoid working relationships, but in your case, it just happened slowly - I know that feeling). You'll just have to struggle through it or take some time off. It does get better, but I know first hand how much it can hurt for so long too. I tried to avoid it the last time but these things just happen - you go from having a friend at work to suddenly realising that "friend" means much more, usually the moment they walk away. Yeah, I feel your pain and wish you the best. 1
Author Beautywithin Posted July 17, 2016 Author Posted July 17, 2016 You sure you're not in love? What he is saying either sounds to me that his gf found out and made him stop or he started developing feelings for you. How does he act now does he not acknowledge your existence at all? Doubt he doesn't care at all because only someone absolutely heartless couldn't care less after such a contact you told us. That is the hardest part of all, he wont talk to me at work or even look in my direction anymore!! which makes me think he never really cared for me not even as a friend, how could he go from asking every day how am i doing etc to not bothering at all? 1
Author Beautywithin Posted July 17, 2016 Author Posted July 17, 2016 Sounds like you both fell for each other and because of his relationship he didn't want to go there (got to respect him for that). He may be hurting just as much inside but putting on a work face. Sadly there's not much you can do in this situation (which is why so many say avoid working relationships, but in your case, it just happened slowly - I know that feeling). You'll just have to struggle through it or take some time off. It does get better, but I know first hand how much it can hurt for so long too. I tried to avoid it the last time but these things just happen - you go from having a friend at work to suddenly realising that "friend" means much more, usually the moment they walk away. Yeah, I feel your pain and wish you the best. Yes exactly that, i've realized how much he means to me, i keep looking at all the emails he sent me, which probably isn't helping! im a bit of a sensitive soul which he knows which is why i dont understand why he wont talk to me at work even to say hi? i can 100% respect he has a girlfriend... but how he is treating me at the moment is how you would treat someone you don't like? maybe its his way of dealing with it?
gorf Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 That is the hardest part of all, he wont talk to me at work or even look in my direction anymore!! which makes me think he never really cared for me not even as a friend, how could he go from asking every day how am i doing etc to not bothering at all? Ok, I can relate. Maybe he just woke up. He realised that he had feelings for you and you for him. You were there for eachother in many ways, you say not physically.. doesn't matter. In what ways? Obviously it was in a way that you fell for him and still feel that way. At some point he realised he is in a relationship and it is not appropriate to be at that level with you.. cause he has a girlfiend, and she should be the one in that place. I salute him for that. There is cheating, and there is emotional cheating.. both can have the same outcome. He did the right thing and is doing the right thing basically ignoring you until you cool down, which would take time. Dont make it hard for him. He is doing what a lot of people would not do to strengthen his relationship with his girlfriend, so respect that. 1
smudge21 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 Yes exactly that, i've realized how much he means to me, i keep looking at all the emails he sent me, which probably isn't helping! im a bit of a sensitive soul which he knows which is why i dont understand why he wont talk to me at work even to say hi? i can 100% respect he has a girlfriend... but how he is treating me at the moment is how you would treat someone you don't like? maybe its his way of dealing with it? I would guess he's forcing himself to stay away because he started to like you more than he should. Sadly there's no going back to what you had before now there's feelings involved. You have to respect him for not wanting to ruin his relationship and in the same sense, respect yourself by letting this one go. That means stop looking over past emails - delete them. I know that is hard (I only just deleted texts/pics from an ex) but things like that mean you live in the past, never moving forward. It would be good if you two could be friends, but right now, you both need time to get away from the feelings you have. What you have for him is basically unrequited love, and that can hurt so much if you feed it and live in hope. You suffer all the pain of a breakup, without any of the memories and happiness of a past relationship. 2
Rockdad Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 In my male gut it sure feels like his wife got wind of this "friendship" and dropped the hammer.
Author Beautywithin Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 I would guess he's forcing himself to stay away because he started to like you more than he should. Sadly there's no going back to what you had before now there's feelings involved. You have to respect him for not wanting to ruin his relationship and in the same sense, respect yourself by letting this one go. That means stop looking over past emails - delete them. I know that is hard (I only just deleted texts/pics from an ex) but things like that mean you live in the past, never moving forward. It would be good if you two could be friends, but right now, you both need time to get away from the feelings you have. What you have for him is basically unrequited love, and that can hurt so much if you feed it and live in hope. You suffer all the pain of a breakup, without any of the memories and happiness of a past relationship. Everything you have said is so true! i have not nor will i email him again, i will let it be and deal with the heartache in silence, i have just deleted all the emails he ever sent! what i'd give for just one more email asking how am i doing, i relied on it too much, at work today i found it a little easier i have my back to him so don't have to directly look at him! hearing his voice is hard but i guess over the next few weeks it will get easier? i can't see us ever being friends again, im more hurt that he has completely cut me off, ok i understand the no emailing anymore but not even a hello, he will now just be someone i used to know. x
Trinity_84 Posted July 18, 2016 Posted July 18, 2016 That is the hardest part of all, he wont talk to me at work or even look in my direction anymore!! which makes me think he never really cared for me not even as a friend, how could he go from asking every day how am i doing etc to not bothering at all? I think you should love and respect yourself a little more. Sometimes people's actions have nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them. Of course he cared about you. He cared too much. His relationship was being affected one way or another, so he chose keeping the relatioship instead. It is a respectable decision and unfortunately, at this moment, you need to respect it. This does in no way negate the friendship you two shared. I understand where you're coming from, but I think you're taking it the wrong way because you may have low self esteem. My only suggestion would be to give him the space he wants, mirror his actions towards you (if he ignores you, ignore him, if he says hello, say hello back the same manner). Always be respectful and remember you have to be professional since you work together. I am sure things will be fine in due time. Maybe one day you will reconnect. 1
smudge21 Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Everything you have said is so true! i have not nor will i email him again, i will let it be and deal with the heartache in silence, i have just deleted all the emails he ever sent! what i'd give for just one more email asking how am i doing, i relied on it too much, at work today i found it a little easier i have my back to him so don't have to directly look at him! hearing his voice is hard but i guess over the next few weeks it will get easier? i can't see us ever being friends again, im more hurt that he has completely cut me off, ok i understand the no emailing anymore but not even a hello, he will now just be someone i used to know. x Yep, been where you are many times and it totally sucks. You are getting all that pain without ever really having any form of relationship. Sadly we don't chose who we fall in love with, it sometimes just happens or doesn't. I would say that I too thought that I'd be happy to just be her friend, but in reality it's not what I wanted. Be honest, it's not really what you want. Many of us say we can be friends with someone we love but we're lying to them and ourselves. We just want to be in their lives and believe that by doing so, they'll eventually come back or we'll win them over. It never happens that way. I know this sucks big time but you have to accept that this is out of your control, you can only focus on you and do what is right for you. Understand that you're not the first to go through this and by that I mean, we all heal from it and so will you. It's going to be a rough ride but I'm sure you'll be okay.
Author Beautywithin Posted July 20, 2016 Author Posted July 20, 2016 so I was doing okay! not looking in his direction at work and only having to hear his voice, today as I was coming out the kitchen he was going in and we almost bumped into each other we looked at each other with a blank expression but he still didn't say anything nor did I.... like strangers who new nothing about each other
Author Beautywithin Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 (edited) i done a post on here a few weeks back but quick recap.. I become close friends with a co worker... over several months we would talk every day and email during working hours - i guess over that time i did fall for him but i no he had a girlfriend so would of never told him or done anything about and if i couldn't have him as anything else then i was happy to have him as a friend. he messaged me 6 weeks ago and said he is sorry but he is worried as he is starting to have deep feelings for me which isn't fair on his girlfriend i totally respect that so haven't bothered him since,i thought he would at least say hi to me at work seeing as we see each other every day, but he just looks away every time i pass him and hasnt said a word to me since, it's torn me up inside how we talked daily for so long and now he wont even look at me or even say hi ??? it's becoming so awkward, i just want to be able to say hi and see how he is doing, shall i try saying hello to him tomorrow? or leave him be i just want to go to work feeling ok Edited August 18, 2016 by Beautywithin
privategal Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 i done a post on here a few weeks back but quick recap.. I become close friends with a co worker... over several months we would talk every day and email during working hours - i guess over that time i did fall for him but i no he had a girlfriend so would of never told him or done anything about and if i couldn't have him as anything else then i was happy to have him as a friend. he messaged me 6 weeks ago and said he is sorry but he is worried as he is starting to have deep feelings for me which isn't fair on his girlfriend i totally respect that so haven't bothered him since,i thought he would at least say hi to me at work seeing as we see each other every day, but he just looks away every time i pass him and hasnt said a word to me since, it's torn me up inside how we talked daily for so long and now he wont even look at me or even say hi ??? it's becoming so awkward, i just want to be able to say hi and see how he is doing, shall i try saying hello to him tomorrow? or leave him be i just want to go to work feeling ok Sorry but I am on the side of leaving him alone. Let your close personal relationships take place outside of work. It would be different if you had offended him somehow, but in this case he was very clear he wanted to focus on his girlfriend and not cross any lines. His not speaking isn't personal and no malice, anger, or bad feelings behind it, therefore nothing to speak to him about, he is just drawing clear and clean boundaries. Understandable you are missing the friendly interaction and friendship but this isn't confusing at all....he realized he was in a slippery slope and thought it through and rectified it. Nothing to sort out or feel bad about. Say hello to others, mirror him and focus on work and being respectful, polite and professional. Part of being polite can also include not greeting someone who has explained why they will not be interacting with you. Please don't take it to heart, hope that someday when you have a boyfriend he will take these same actions to protect your relationship too.
Author Beautywithin Posted September 23, 2016 Author Posted September 23, 2016 So briefly... I'm single... started a new job a while ago i'm very shy and re-severed but after a few months i started to open up a little to a co worker, i found him a little annoying at first, his very loud and would come over just to annoy me, over the months we would speak daily about our lives, he would always greet me when i came in and would always say goodnight. This time last year we started emailing each other, every day ( he has a gf ) so i new nothing could ever come of it, i just enjoyed having him as a friend ) nothing psychical every happened, even though he mentioned it a few times i just ignored it about 11 weeks ago, he just stopped talking to me, no emailing and not even a hi when i came into work, so after a week i emailed him saying have i done something wrong?! he basically replied with.... " i have a girlfriend i'm trying to do the right thing, I'm sorry" Now i totally understand he wanted to do the right thing, but what i can't understand is why ever since he wont even talk/look at me we work together and i have to see him every day, what make its even harder is he has started flirting with someone else ( half time i'm not sure he even know he does it ) I can never blame him for wanting to do the right thing, but i cant forgive him for just breaking off our friendship like that, nearly a year of talking about our fears and dreams to nothing... just like that. After 11 weeks i wish i could say its getting easier, but it isn't, i feel a fool for letting someone in, i'm normally a good judge of character but with him i obviously got it wrong, work is so awkward and i dread going in. Even though i miss him i wont email him I never liked him to start with he got me to trust him i guess in that process he got a little bit of my heart too i only realized that after we stopped talking I believe everything happens for a reason.... but the reason he came into my life? i cant quiet work that out yet.
Logan787 Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 I can understand why you feel the way that you do. You "put yourself out there" somewhat and shared things with him, I'm thinking that were a little personal maybe and you feel that your investment in the friendship was somewhat wasted. I do kind of see how you may have deep feelings for him, and you may not even know this. Or else, you wouldn't be taking it so hard. I'm thinking though the reason that you are taking this so hard is because you offered something and invested and came up empty. You also hate the feeling that it was so easy maybe even too easy for him to break off contact and therefore your self worth has taken a hit. Because you may be internally thinking, "If it was that easy for him to let me go, then what I had to offer him in friendship must have not meant much to him, and there must be something wrong with me. I must not be that valuable of a person, if someone can just throw me away that easily. You must get your self worth from your character and NOT another person. "You may or may not be thinking this. What you have to know is that, you ARE looking for a male friend, and you want it to be romance. You were somewhat looking at this guy as that. You were getting the attention, the companionship, and the conversation that you long for, but you were getting it from the wrong source, hence a guy already taken. He is at fault here as much as you for not looking before he leaps. You have to know when you bond with someone of the opposite sex, it can naturally cause you to have feelings for that person. What I would do is approach this guy and tell him, that a "hi", or a "How is your day going?" Wouldn't hurt from time to time, but no private conversations like email. The fact that you are jealous tells me that you like him more than a friend and that you are lonley but you don't know how to get a guy that you like, seeing you are shy and reserved. I hope this helps you. You seem like a sweet person.
stillafool Posted September 23, 2016 Posted September 23, 2016 Maybe you can get a female friend to talk over your fears and dreams with. I imagine this guy could tell you were falling for him and pulled back on the communication with you to make sure he didn't screw up his relationship with the woman he loves. He probably doesn't realize that women think he's flirting with them or maybe he enjoys flirting until he sees that they take him seriously. 1
shruti789 Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 Oh well... i got some time for myself today and was reading the threads here and yours is ANOTHER one similar to mine.... difference being your EA partner (yes, i think it was an EA, i learned that after coming to this forum) mentioned physical possibility, mine didn't. but the rest is similar, he was leading me on and suddenly no contact... and i am feeling the same as you, angry at him for stopping the friendship just like that etc.... I guess this is more common than i realized.... I am sorry about your situation, I hope you will read around this forum to find out more about similar situations.
stilltrying16 Posted September 24, 2016 Posted September 24, 2016 Beautywithin, I think you had a lucky escape, even if things are so painful now. He was grooming you to be an AP. In shutting down the option of a PA, you showed him that you weren't vulnerable to his bs and you weren't going to be an easy target. So he promptly drops you, using the excuse that he's so faithful and so concerned about his gf- and then immediately starts grooming someone else. He is a pig. Sorry. You are well out of this. As for what lesson to take from this: maybe that temptation can sneak up on you and catch you off-guard. But also that you have a core strength and will no longer have any chinks in your armor when it comes to other such lowlife predators in future. Shruti, I'm sorry you went through this too and I think you are well out of an impossible situation!. I wish you both strength and healing and happiness. It's there for you- just round the corner. 3
Author Beautywithin Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 4 months NC with a co worker who i had a EA with ( over several months ) i have to see him every day! its so so hard, some days i'm fine, other days i feel so lost, he don't look,speak or even acknowledge me, none of this has bothered him what so even, i have to hear him flirt with others and it kills me. Its changed me completely, i doubt everything now, i used to be a good judge of character but he fooled me, i guess the only way he will be completely gone from my mind is if i leave the company - i'm trying to hang on until Christmas, but everyday is a constant battle, has anyone else had to leave there job for the same reasons? If i could turn back a year i would!
NTV Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 It sounds like you're doing good right now stay strong! 1
Forever broken Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Is okay, he is doing you a big favor. Now you get to see the real him. He knows you are watching that's why he's flirting with others. I have been there. The guy walks by me like we have never met before. It used to bother me because he and I was close. And I was embarrassed people might wonder why he was so cold towards me. But you will be surprised I took it very well at work. You will never guess I was heartbroken inside. But I am still working there after more than a year. Do not pay attention to him. Yeah you still love him I understand but he is hurting you purposely. Continue to remain no contact with him. Trust me, the journey may be very long but you will eventually get there. 1
Author Beautywithin Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 Is okay, he is doing you a big favor. Now you get to see the real him. He knows you are watching that's why he's flirting with others. I have been there. The guy walks by me like we have never met before. It used to bother me because he and I was close. And I was embarrassed people might wonder why he was so cold towards me. But you will be surprised I took it very well at work. You will never guess I was heartbroken inside. But I am still working there after more than a year. Do not pay attention to him. Yeah you still love him I understand but he is hurting you purposely. Continue to remain no contact with him. Trust me, the journey may be very long but you will eventually get there. Yes same, i deal with it well from the outside but inside im broken! i cant understand why someone who new me so well, can't even say hi to me anymore, he talks to everyone else but me, everyone has noticed in the office. I will give it until after Xmas and look for another job, as i just feel so uncomfortable, maybe over time i will be ok, but my biggest fear is him doing this with another co worker right under my nose, that i couldn't deal with xx
MidnightBlue1980 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 4 months NC with a co worker who i had a EA with ( over several months ) i have to see him every day! its so so hard, some days i'm fine, other days i feel so lost, he don't look,speak or even acknowledge me, none of this has bothered him what so even, i have to hear him flirt with others and it kills me. Its changed me completely, i doubt everything now, i used to be a good judge of character but he fooled me, i guess the only way he will be completely gone from my mind is if i leave the company - i'm trying to hang on until Christmas, but everyday is a constant battle, has anyone else had to leave there job for the same reasons? If i could turn back a year i would! Actually. It's not exactly a job but a professional organization. It ended last December and neither one of us would leave, we both held on fiercely to it. It really was hell on earth to see him weekly and we went through cycles of NC, one trying and the other ignoring, friends, enemies, I love you, I hate you, blowups, harassment, intimation, lies, threats, please leave me alone, please talk to me, I'm going to leave, stay, leave, please don't leave, leave me alone, why can't you get over it, I miss you, I'm fine, I'm not fine, I just can't get over you, I'm trying to move on, I can't move on, I'm stuck and it's torture seeing you. It got so bad that by this point about 5 guys know because I basically told them. It's mostly all men. He announced privately to a few people last week he is leaving at the end of Nov. Two people immediately contacted me and said - you won. He is leaving. They were happy for me and did not understand why I was not happy. I won the battle but lost the war. I feel terrible, I reached out but he won't talk to me, I guess he hates me. I did "win" I suppose. He wanted to "win". It is my org too, we were both there for years. We created it. We each have many friends. We make money. It's a loss for him, for me and for the org in general. No one won. I lost 18 months of my life, my self respect and my self worth. I have major trust issues. When you stay and fight and "win", it is a bittersweet victory to know you profited at someone else's expense. You forced someone else out. You made their life so miserable, they caved. But better you than them? I don't know. I will say its almost all men and they can't understand my mentality. Why would I feel bad for someone who treated me poorly and like a POS? I don't have an answer. It's not easy acting like a man when you are a woman. I guess that is why this board is full of sad women. We should be more like men. Looking back, if I left, I would have lost a lot - money, contacts, friends. But was it worth it? Ask me in 6 months.
Jersey born raised Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 OP you both slipped into an EA. While his response may be rigid his motives are honorable and respectable. He knows the feeling are still there and allowing them to grow will only results in two people he cares about being harmed. This is a learning processes on what healthy boundaries consist of on a day to day real life situation. Yes his girlfriend may have called him out on some of his behavior. The result being his actions are consistent with what posters on the infideity forum advise is necessary. Note you where not and are not an OW. But, his relationship with his girlfriend may require many of the components of the 180.
Recommended Posts