Question for OW in Emotional affairs

[SweetiePi]

It is likely he is telling you the truth that he is not interested in leaving your marriage. I am in that boat too. I will not leave my husband and the same for MM. We both love our spouses and are trying to fix the problems in our marriage and made the mistake of confiding and leaning on each other. I love the attention he gives me. I want to stop, but it truly is an addiction to me.

 

 

The red flag is that she says she feels "terrible" about it. She is aware it is inappropriate (just as I am aware my friendship is). Bottom line is you are hurt by it. I would take the bull by the horns and call her and have a calm, peaceful conversation with her. Let her know that she is occupying too much of your H's time and you feel uneasy about their emotional connection.

 

 

 

He says he is not interested in leaving the marriage, but gets caught up in the "thrill" of the positive interaction and diversion that texting can be. When he's involved in doing it, he says he justifies it by telling himself it's not wrong and it's not hurting me. That is really just further justification because I've made it clear it hurts.

 

Again, my focus is on him, but I still wanted to fathom what this OW could be thinking and how she could justify this! As I said, we are causal friends. She has a significant other/long-term boyfriend. WH says she feels "terrible" about it, but she didn't feel "terrible" enough as of October to quit doing it!!

[LavendarLass]

It is likely he is telling you the truth that he is not interested in leaving your marriage. I am in that boat too. I will not leave my husband and the same for MM. We both love our spouses and are trying to fix the problems in our marriage and made the mistake of confiding and leaning on each other. I love the attention he gives me. I want to stop, but it truly is an addiction to me.

 

 

The red flag is that she says she feels "terrible" about it. She is aware it is inappropriate (just as I am aware my friendship is). Bottom line is you are hurt by it. I would take the bull by the horns and call her and have a calm, peaceful conversation with her. Let her know that she is occupying too much of your H's time and you feel uneasy about their emotional connection.

 

We just had another argument this evening. He keeps telling me that it is "different this time!" - he now has some realization of how serious this is to me and how close we are to separation. He is adamant he never had any intention of divorce.

 

SweetiePi, I appreciate your input and honesty. It becomes an addiction for him too. I've seen it in his eyes. I just want him to realize how much he is risking and take the precautions to avoid getting into those situations. Flirting is not an option. ANY level of private friendship with a woman is not an option. That's the price an addict has to pay to avoid these disasters. Two people make a marriage - even if it is not his "intention" to leave, one of these days he won't have the choice any more and his intention won't matter.

[heartwhole]

We just had another argument this evening. He keeps telling me that it is "different this time!" - he now has some realization of how serious this is to me and how close we are to separation. He is adamant he never had any intention of divorce.

 

SweetiePi, I appreciate your input and honesty. It becomes an addiction for him too. I've seen it in his eyes. I just want him to realize how much he is risking and take the precautions to avoid getting into those situations. Flirting is not an option. ANY level of private friendship with a woman is not an option. That's the price an addict has to pay to avoid these disasters. Two people make a marriage - even if it is not his "intention" to leave, one of these days he won't have the choice any more and his intention won't matter.

 

He's "adamant" and arguing. That doesn't sound like a man who has really changed to me. That sounds like a man who thinks that if he shouts enough, you'll back down. Of course he never had any intention to divorce. But he did have intention to cheat. And if I were a betting woman, I'd bet that at least two of his affairs have been physical. There's desire, there's opportunity, and there's lack of character. You tell me what that adds up to.

 

I encourage you to alter your perspective. The question shouldn't be, "Is this marriage bad enough to blow up my kids' lives and leave?" The question should be, "Is this marriage good enough for me and a good example to my children of how to treat others?"

[MidnightBlue1980]

We just had another argument this evening. He keeps telling me that it is "different this time!" - he now has some realization of how serious this is to me and how close we are to separation. He is adamant he never had any intention of divorce.

 

SweetiePi, I appreciate your input and honesty. It becomes an addiction for him too. I've seen it in his eyes. I just want him to realize how much he is risking and take the precautions to avoid getting into those situations. Flirting is not an option. ANY level of private friendship with a woman is not an option. That's the price an addict has to pay to avoid these disasters. Two people make a marriage - even if it is not his "intention" to leave, one of these days he won't have the choice any more and his intention won't matter.

 

I never post on this board but your thread got moved. I wanted to comment that you are correct - I would not have such a friendship with a guy when I knew the wife. The friend I spoke of, I have never met his wife - and she does not even know we are friends. My own husband thinks that is a bad sign for a guy. My H thinks men and women can be friends but it should all be out in the open and not constant communication like you are dealing with.

 

Your husband is getting a rush from this friendship. He probably is telling the truth, he has no interest in divorcing. Why would he, he has his marriage and his friend to boast his ego.

 

I also wanted to comment that it is odd that the woman is going to leave her job over this - over what, the fact that he can't text her? That's nuts. Either he is lying to make you have a false sense of security or if she really is leaving, there is much more going on and she is withdrawing from the situation for her own sanity.

 

You have to understand, these guys lie like a rug. My xMM, his wife knows a pack of lies, you have no idea. He boasts to me how he lies in marriage counseling to her, tells her whatever she wants to hear. He even told me me only goes to give her a false sense of security. And he is adamant that he will never leave, he will just wait till the time is right and find another cupcake on the side.

 

I'm not saying every man is like this, and many women lie too, but just trust your gut. Where there is smoke, there is fire.

[holyrolypoly]

It doesn't matter whether this is a friendship or not- you're uncomfortable with it and he has a history of affairs. So shut it down. He can have men as friends, because his lack of boundaries mean that female friends are a big risk, at least for awhile. If he's adamant about keeping this friend, and you don't want to fight him on it, talk to her.

 

My husband had an EA, but was also talking with a "friend" on facebook. Lots of it was friend stuff, but a good portion was about all the men that done her wrong. How all she did was give and give, and the only thing she did wrong was love too much. My husband loved the attention, telling her she didn't deserve it, etc, in each session talking much more to her than he does to me in conversation.

 

Check these out:

 

Pimping Tenderness

 

Ego Kibbles

 

Maybe your husband isn't LOOKING for an affair, but he's actively courting it. He's putting meat in his pockets and expecting dogs not to follow him down the block. I advise shutting it down, but I'd leave him if he kept engaging in those troublesome behaviors after already having had affairs.

[LavendarLass]

I never post on this board but your thread got moved. I wanted to comment that you are correct - I would not have such a friendship with a guy when I knew the wife. The friend I spoke of, I have never met his wife - and she does not even know we are friends. My own husband thinks that is a bad sign for a guy. My H thinks men and women can be friends but it should all be out in the open and not constant communication like you are dealing with.

 

Your husband is getting a rush from this friendship. He probably is telling the truth, he has no interest in divorcing. Why would he, he has his marriage and his friend to boast his ego.

 

I also wanted to comment that it is odd that the woman is going to leave her job over this - over what, the fact that he can't text her? That's nuts. Either he is lying to make you have a false sense of security or if she really is leaving, there is much more going on and she is withdrawing from the situation for her own sanity.

 

You have to understand, these guys lie like a rug. My xMM, his wife knows a pack of lies, you have no idea. He boasts to me how he lies in marriage counseling to her, tells her whatever she wants to hear. He even told me me only goes to give her a false sense of security. And he is adamant that he will never leave, he will just wait till the time is right and find another cupcake on the side.

 

I'm not saying every man is like this, and many women lie too, but just trust your gut. Where there is smoke, there is fire.

 

Apparently she is looking for another job because she "realizes you are uncomfortable now" and she's doing it for "our marriage". Even though "nothing!" is going on and "it's just harmless texting, no feelings, no love", she now hears that I am very angry and she doesn't want to have this sort of work situation. The business is actually my husband's small business. She is actually an employee, though higher-level/professional than the other workers, so they seem to function more like colleagues than boss/employee, but she is an employee. So now she doesn't think it's smart to work in an office where the "boss's wife" doesn't like you/is angry at you - what exactly, I don't know. Again, I made it clear to my husband to stop texting in October and he must have communicated that to her and they did lay off texting for 2 months. How she felt comfortable going against the "boss's wife" after that, I don't know.

 

I do have to admit that after October, when I thought they'd quit texting, I did not confront her at that time and in fact, was normally friendly to her at a few work events/parties. I even went out with her and a couple other friends for drinks on several occasions. I admit to my own communication/avoidance behaviors. My thought was I didn't have anything against her personally and if we knew each other a bit better, it would be even LESS likely she'd be texting a friend's husband behind their back. WRONG. My husband claims to have taken this as a sign that we were "becoming friends" and somehow this signaled to him that I would not be against some "harmless texting". What logic.

 

Of course, I always look back and kick myself for these doormat tendencies, wishing I had just confronted them both back then and told her to back off.

For a seemingly like-minded woman, I still can't figure her out. She obviously enjoyed the positive attention.

[elaine567]

My husband claims to have taken this as a sign that we were "becoming friends" and somehow this signaled to him that I would not be against some "harmless texting". What logic.

 

Of course, I always look back and kick myself for these doormat tendencies, wishing I had just confronted them both back then and told her to back off.

For a seemingly like-minded woman, I still can't figure her out. She obviously enjoyed the positive attention.

 

Why are you taking the blame here?

These are grown ups, they don't need rounded up and told what to do by you.

They are capable of making their own minds up, and frankly here they didn't care a damn what you thought. It was not your job to tell them how to behave, they should have known how to behave.

It is not as if your marriage came as a complete surprise to them, they both knew what they were doing here.

She is probably being fed the same BS lies as you, as is often the case.

He may even have told her you had agreed to an "open" marriage, hence why you were being friendly..

 

He is a cheater, they will say and do anything - nothing is off the table, if it is good FOR HIM.

[heartwhole]

When you are dealing with someone with a history of lying to you, then you have to check their words against what makes sense. It just doesn't make any sense that this other woman would be looking for another job over a harmless texting relationship. She would be looking for another job if she had an affair with your husband and now it's over.

 

It's not your job to police your husband or harangue the other woman into not having an affair. In the days after discovering my husband's affair, I made sure not to contact the other woman because frankly I didn't want a future with him if I had to scare off a "rival." If he was smart, he'd realize what he could lose and do whatever it took to keep me. If OW continued to be a threat just by existing, then so be it. He could have her. Just for my pride's sake, I wish I could have said my piece, but I know ultimately that not saying anything to her speaks louder than anything I could have said. Of course, in your case, you are dealing with someone he works with, so I would absolutely expect the relationship to be exposed and dealt with in order for me to feel safe going forward.

 

I'm very sorry LavendarLass, but the more you share, the less "remorse" and "work" I see on your husband's part. The more I see a story full of holes. The more I see shifting blame onto you (we're innocent here but you've made the OW so uncomfortable that she'll just go and get another job . . . ). And given the fact that this is question mark relationship number three, I think it would be extraordinary if things were any different this time around. The odds are against you.

 

Believe me, I have spent my fair share of time wondering why this other woman would want a relationship with a known cheater and liar. At least I didn't know that's what he was! But there are plenty of people who settle for less than healthy relationships. Your concern should be making sure that you're not one of them. Let her worry about her own mess.

 

Apparently she is looking for another job because she "realizes you are uncomfortable now" and she's doing it for "our marriage". Even though "nothing!" is going on and "it's just harmless texting, no feelings, no love", she now hears that I am very angry and she doesn't want to have this sort of work situation. The business is actually my husband's small business. She is actually an employee, though higher-level/professional than the other workers, so they seem to function more like colleagues than boss/employee, but she is an employee. So now she doesn't think it's smart to work in an office where the "boss's wife" doesn't like you/is angry at you - what exactly, I don't know. Again, I made it clear to my husband to stop texting in October and he must have communicated that to her and they did lay off texting for 2 months. How she felt comfortable going against the "boss's wife" after that, I don't know.

 

I do have to admit that after October, when I thought they'd quit texting, I did not confront her at that time and in fact, was normally friendly to her at a few work events/parties. I even went out with her and a couple other friends for drinks on several occasions. I admit to my own communication/avoidance behaviors. My thought was I didn't have anything against her personally and if we knew each other a bit better, it would be even LESS likely she'd be texting a friend's husband behind their back. WRONG. My husband claims to have taken this as a sign that we were "becoming friends" and somehow this signaled to him that I would not be against some "harmless texting". What logic.

 

Of course, I always look back and kick myself for these doormat tendencies, wishing I had just confronted them both back then and told her to back off.

For a seemingly like-minded woman, I still can't figure her out. She obviously enjoyed the positive attention.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Apparently she is looking for another job because she "realizes you are uncomfortable now" and she's doing it for "our marriage". Even though "nothing!" is going on and "it's just harmless texting, no feelings, no love", she now hears that I am very angry and she doesn't want to have this sort of work situation. The business is actually my husband's small business. She is actually an employee, though higher-level/professional than the other workers, so they seem to function more like colleagues than boss/employee, but she is an employee. So now she doesn't think it's smart to work in an office where the "boss's wife" doesn't like you/is angry at you - what exactly, I don't know. Again, I made it clear to my husband to stop texting in October and he must have communicated that to her and they did lay off texting for 2 months. How she felt comfortable going against the "boss's wife" after that, I don't know.

 

I do have to admit that after October, when I thought they'd quit texting, I did not confront her at that time and in fact, was normally friendly to her at a few work events/parties. I even went out with her and a couple other friends for drinks on several occasions. I admit to my own communication/avoidance behaviors. My thought was I didn't have anything against her personally and if we knew each other a bit better, it would be even LESS likely she'd be texting a friend's husband behind their back. WRONG. My husband claims to have taken this as a sign that we were "becoming friends" and somehow this signaled to him that I would not be against some "harmless texting". What logic.

 

Of course, I always look back and kick myself for these doormat tendencies, wishing I had just confronted them both back then and told her to back off.

For a seemingly like-minded woman, I still can't figure her out. She obviously enjoyed the positive attention.

 

I did not know this was your husband business. That is really bad and not too smart of him. He could find himself on the receiving end of a lawsuit. I hope it really was just friends. Now I see your hands are tied and you cannot do anything to her at least. You cannot fire her.

 

I see your husband as someone who did not learn his lesson and does not even see what he is doing is wrong in many different ways. Is this woman married?

[Lobe]

Of course, I always look back and kick myself for these doormat tendencies, wishing I had just confronted them both back then and told her to back off.

 

Confronted them both? Why both? Usually, the wayward spouse has some story about a demanding overbearing sexless loveless disconnected relationship with the betrayed spouse who the AP has been warned about crazy outbursts... You confronting her would have only confirmed what she's probably already been told about you.

 

For a seemingly like-minded woman, I still can't figure her out. She obviously enjoyed the positive attention.

 

"Likeminded" is an interesting word to use - as in, you both want your husband? Look, I know how easy it is to be obsessed with the OW. And there is no comparison. Perceived or real, the threat she is to you exists only because your husband has made it so. Maybe he even gets off on the fact you freak out so much because it makes him feel desired. Obviously if she is looking for work elsewhere she knows the relationship is inappropriate. The real question is, will that be them ending things or will it be the first step in taking their affair underground?

 

Your husband has boundary issues, but so do you. You don't want to be treated like a doormat? Then don't.

[SweetiePi]

You're welcome Lavendar.

 

 

I hope that he is serious about cleaning his act up for you and your marriage. You seem like a good dedicated wife who wants the marriage to work.

 

 

Seems you have set the healthy boundaries of him not having private friendships. That is excellent. If this woman knows you and is your "friend", she would not be carrying on with your H. I wouldn't be seeing any of my friend's boyfriends or husbands.

 

 

We just had another argument this evening. He keeps telling me that it is "different this time!" - he now has some realization of how serious this is to me and how close we are to separation. He is adamant he never had any intention of divorce.

 

SweetiePi, I appreciate your input and honesty. It becomes an addiction for him too. I've seen it in his eyes. I just want him to realize how much he is risking and take the precautions to avoid getting into those situations. Flirting is not an option. ANY level of private friendship with a woman is not an option. That's the price an addict has to pay to avoid these disasters. Two people make a marriage - even if it is not his "intention" to leave, one of these days he won't have the choice any more and his intention won't matter.

[LavendarLass]

I have appreciated all points of view. One of you pointed out the OW wouldn't leave her job just because I'm "angry". She apparently wouldn't even stop the texting relationship in October when she must have been told I wasn't happy with it. So you are right, it doesn't fit that she'd completely disregard me (who was also a "friend"!) and now suddenly drastically change her life just to "keep the peace" for me. Doesn't add up. I am going to dig into that further with WH.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Apparently she is looking for another job because she "realizes you are uncomfortable now" and she's doing it for "our marriage". Even though "nothing!" is going on and "it's just harmless texting, no feelings, no love", she now hears that I am very angry and she doesn't want to have this sort of work situation.

 

I'm sorry but it sounds like that is just him telling you what you want to hear so that you will get off their cases and let them have their "affair" in peace.

 

Why would anyone mobilize themselves like that for the sake of the spouse of someone else? She is going to quite her job!! for your benefit? What is she Mother Theresa? Ya...no!

 

Don't worry about feeling like doormat, you are on the right track here and that is not what doormats do. It is very easy to fall for the lies our partners tells us don't beat yourself up over that. You did the right thing by reaching out here and second guessing what is going on.

 

We may all be completely wrong but there is definitely more to your husband's story than what he is telling you.

[cocorico]

Why would anyone mobilize themselves like that for the sake of the spouse of someone else? She is going to quite her job!! for your benefit? What is she Mother Theresa? Ya...no!

 

 

Um, because it's her *boss's wife*? Because she knows that it will only get ugly from here on out - however innocent it might be - because *boss's wife* has taken against her / taken against her friendship with her boss...?

 

I've also had friendships - purely platonic friendships - with guys that have involved frequent texting. There is nothing inherently suspicious about that, and it's very possible that, to the H's friend / staff member anyway, it is purely platonic. Plus, he's her boss. She needs to keep him on side. The power is in his favour.

 

**However** the OP has stated that her H has previous. That she is wary of the friendship and wants it to stop. Essentially, she's given him an ultimatum - friendship or M - and he's chosen, backtracked and OP now has to decide whether or not to hold him to the fallout or just accept that this is her future. He knows now there are no consequences, or none of significance - and so that will inform his choices in future.

 

The next "friend" may not be so innocent. And there definitely will be a next, if there isn't already. This guy clearly needs the attention / distraction /'whatever he's getting from it. Maybe OP will accept that as the price to keep the M together, or maybe one day the price will seem too high and she'll relinquish the nice big house and perfect family image in favour of a more authentic life where she doesn't have to keep looking over her shoulder. But until then, this is what she's facing. A H who has absolutely no conception of respect for her, and who will tell her what she wants to hear while doing exactly what he pleases.

 

And one day their little girl will be wondering how she landed up in such a toxic relationship herself, posting here because she couldn't possibly talk to her parents about it, given the R they modelled for her.

[elaine567]

There are a few relationship dynamics going on here.

The boss/employee, the MM/OW, the MM/friend, the MM/wife, the wife/employee, the wife/"friend".

 

Do not forget the OW is an employee and employees tend to want to please the boss, maybe the idea to keep going despite YOU being miffed was not hers.

Given the choice between making the boss happy, the guy she sees every day, the guy who makes the decisions, or his "moany" wife happy, I guess it is no contest, especially if she is enjoying it anyway.

 

Women can easily get caught in "situations" with married bosses and they may sometimes find it difficult to extricate themselves, as the power dynamic is often biased against them.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Um, because it's her *boss's wife*? Because she knows that it will only get ugly from here on out - however innocent it might be - because *boss's wife* has taken against her / taken against her friendship with her boss...?

 

I've also had friendships - purely platonic friendships - with guys that have involved frequent texting. There is nothing inherently suspicious about that, and it's very possible that, to the H's friend / staff member anyway, it is purely platonic. Plus, he's her boss. She needs to keep him on side. The power is in his favour.

 

 

I'm not sure what you are trying to argue here? Your tone indicates that something I said rubbed you the wrong way.

 

It's good to have all perspectives and points of views but your sarcastic "um because...." I got the point, I don't need it explained. I just have a different point of view than you do.

 

I've had bosses that wanted to text me after hours and in my own time, I had a job once that came with BB so that I was glued to it in case my boss needed something. But guess what? You can control how much you communicate with your boss and still respond to their requests and keep the convos short, professional and to the point. Not 60 txts a day to cater to what a boss wants. A simple, "I have to go so and so is on the phone and needs me to tend to x,yz" or " Sorry [boss name here] I was just on the way out, I can monitor that news story throughout the night and if something else breaks I'll be in touch, have a good evening." BOOM! End of conversation.

 

 

So if this "selfless woman" is willing to quit her job, make a huge life decision like that for the sake of her "boss' wife" where was all that generosity and empathy for the wife when she was texting this man 2000x a month and 100x while he is out of town?

 

You have to be pretty naive to think there is nothing going on there. In the least there is an emotional affair happening.

 

Why did her husband react so angrily when LL snooped and found all the texts? If what he is doing is so innocent he should have no qualms being completely open about this work friendship with his wife. He acted angrily because his secret rendezvous was discovered.

 

And now he is trying to continue on by telling LL the OW is looking for other work.

I wouldn't hold my breath....

[LavendarLass]

 

I've also had friendships - purely platonic friendships - with guys that have involved frequent texting. There is nothing inherently suspicious about that, and it's very possible that, to the H's friend / staff member anyway, it is purely platonic. Plus, he's her boss. She needs to keep him on side. The power is in his favour.

 

 

The next "friend" may not be so innocent. And there definitely will be a next, if there isn't already. This guy clearly needs the attention / distraction /'whatever he's getting from it. Maybe OP will accept that as the price to keep the M together, or maybe one day the price will seem too high and she'll relinquish the nice big house and perfect family image in favour of a more authentic life where she doesn't have to keep looking over her shoulder. But until then, this is what she's facing. A H who has absolutely no conception of respect for her, and who will tell her what she wants to hear while doing exactly what he pleases.

 

And one day their little girl will be wondering how she landed up in such a toxic relationship herself, posting here because she couldn't possibly talk to her parents about it, given the R they modelled for her.

 

You have some valid points. It makes complete sense that you don't want an angry "boss's wife" - BUT, I was angry in October and somehow she just went back to it. I personally would not have the gall to do that! I'd be backing off from an "irritated" boss's wife right then. And as the poster later on points out, even if someone is texting you, there are very reasonable ways to just NOT RESPOND in kind. When someone flirts with you, you DON'T have to flirt back! I think those of us with intact and appropriate boundaries regarding safe-guarding our marriages know exactly how to do that.

 

 

And I do have to stand up for myself in that my goal is not protecting an empty "big house, happy family" routine. We live in a nice but modest house, I've driven the same minivan for that last 13 years, I work hard, do most of the child-related duties. My husband is actually not "showy" either. What I am trying to protect is what I've been working at for 23 years! An intact, supportive family. Not a perfect family, but an acceptable one. This means a lot to me. Not for show. It is truly what I'd like out of life. That is why it SHOCKS me that my husband, raised with similar values, is so manipulative and entitled to the point of repeatedly risking it all and providing a pretty poor example to his daughters in the meantime. And I take your last sentence to heart and agree completely - this is not the marriage I was hoping to model for my daughters...

[LavendarLass]

There are a few relationship dynamics going on here.

The boss/employee, the MM/OW, the MM/friend, the MM/wife, the wife/employee, the wife/"friend".

 

Do not forget the OW is an employee and employees tend to want to please the boss, maybe the idea to keep going despite YOU being miffed was not hers.

Given the choice between making the boss happy, the guy she sees every day, the guy who makes the decisions, or his "moany" wife happy, I guess it is no contest, especially if she is enjoying it anyway.

 

Women can easily get caught in "situations" with married bosses and they may sometimes find it difficult to extricate themselves, as the power dynamic is often biased against them.

 

Yes, I have told my husband that flirting and having relationships of any kind with employees is crazy! He ends up risking even more than just his family; his business too! The hubris and risk-taking involved just floor me. he has the real sense that he just knows better than everyone else and the rules just don't apply to him. And I get involved in the complex ties too - friend, boss's wife.

WH looks at the work place issues as just "we're all a big family. we all like working together because we're close. we don't work in a "sterile" place like you do". Wrong, your work place is completely unprofessional and has poor professional boundaries.

 

 

I find the OW inserts herself into relationships and has her own poor boundaries, so I don't honestly feel there was any coercion. The words I can best use to describe her personality are "puppy dog, cheerleader" - she loves to be the happy encourager and is always fluttering around taking charge, taking care of things. The way my husband describes their texting times was during times of boredom doing work related activities/paperwork and he'd do it just to "relieve boredom". and apparently she has nothing better to do all night then to be available whenever he gets bored.

[LavendarLass]

I'm not sure what you are trying to argue here? Your tone indicates that something I said rubbed you the wrong way.

 

It's good to have all perspectives and points of views but your sarcastic "um because...." I got the point, I don't need it explained. I just have a different point of view than you do.

 

I've had bosses that wanted to text me after hours and in my own time, I had a job once that came with BB so that I was glued to it in case my boss needed something. But guess what? You can control how much you communicate with your boss and still respond to their requests and keep the convos short, professional and to the point. Not 60 txts a day to cater to what a boss wants. A simple, "I have to go so and so is on the phone and needs me to tend to x,yz" or " Sorry [boss name here] I was just on the way out, I can monitor that news story throughout the night and if something else breaks I'll be in touch, have a good evening." BOOM! End of conversation.

 

 

So if this "selfless woman" is willing to quit her job, make a huge life decision like that for the sake of her "boss' wife" where was all that generosity and empathy for the wife when she was texting this man 2000x a month and 100x while he is out of town?

 

You have to be pretty naive to think there is nothing going on there. In the least there is an emotional affair happening.

 

Why did her husband react so angrily when LL snooped and found all the texts? If what he is doing is so innocent he should have no qualms being completely open about this work friendship with his wife. He acted angrily because his secret rendezvous was discovered.

 

And now he is trying to continue on by telling LL the OW is looking for other work.

I wouldn't hold my breath....

 

Yes, exactly!

[LavendarLass]

I told WH I want to get a device/software that retrieves deleted text messages so I can see for myself what went on. He does not like that idea. "you'd just take a joke and twist it into something bigger"

I can handle a joke. Believe me, I've imagined much worse so "jokes" would not bother me. I am trying to decide if going behind his back on this would be a good step. obviously, even needing to consider is pathetic.

[Lobe]

I told WH I want to get a device/software that retrieves deleted text messages so I can see for myself what went on. He does not like that idea. "you'd just take a joke and twist it into something bigger"

I can handle a joke. Believe me, I've imagined much worse so "jokes" would not bother me. I am trying to decide if going behind his back on this would be a good step. obviously, even needing to consider is pathetic.

 

Do it. I have loggers on everything. At first I felt like a paranoid psycho but I'm happy to say WH is clean as a whistle. My teenaged boy on the other hand... his google searches alone are enough to make me wonder where I went wrong...

[heartwhole]

Just remember that if they were innocent texts, he would be glad to have such an easy way to clear up this "misunderstanding" and prove his innocence. Of course he's mad and thinks you'll "misinterpret" the evidence of his cheating . . . because they aren't clean.

 

I think you should add STD testing to your to-do list.

[elaine567]

I told WH I want to get a device/software that retrieves deleted text messages so I can see for myself what went on. He does not like that idea. "you'd just take a joke and twist it into something bigger"

.

 

I am guessing it it not just "jokes" he is really worried about.

 

I think if you want to get at the truth here and you have the funds, hire a PI.

As he is a serial offender, texting may be the least of your worries, sorry to say.

[Southern Sun]

Hmmm...hate to pour gas on this fire, but...

 

I am a fMOW to my former boss. We worked together much like you described. I was an employee but it was rather like we were business partners/colleagues. He was the owner of his small business.

 

Our A started with us just becoming very supportive of one another at work. We were "friends" too, but mainly just working together quite well. We were together constantly and needed to be for the work we did...proximity, time. We traveled together too. And then the more personal texting and emailing happened. And thennnn...you know.

 

He pursued me with a frenzy and then I caved. He DID have a history of cheating (I did not).

 

We actually got semi-caught more than once, with BW suspecting I was the OW. He still wanted to continue. He even told me that he suggested to her that we talk so she "felt better." That terrified me; it never happened.

 

I personally would question ANY man's motives for that many texts to a woman (unless he is not straight). They just don't do it for fun.

 

He is saying things to placate you. Something is definitely up. I would be suspicious that what you are finding on his phone is only the stuff he hasn't deleted. My xMM got into the habit of deleting all of our text threads. And then, so THAT wouldn't look suspicious, he simply began deleting EVERY text thread except those with his immediate family members. There, he thought. What can they say about that?? I think he actually got that trick from his prior affairs.

 

When texting got dangerous, he suggested a change to a texting app where the messages disappeared after a certain amount of time.

 

He did the same thing with his call logs. And lucky for him, since he owned his company, all of his phone bills went to the business. And the credit cards. So hotel charges wouldn't ever be found...

 

I hope for you this is not what is happening. But be cautious. xMM NEVER stopped lying to his BW. As far as I know, he has still never admitted it.

Edited July 22, 2016 by Southern Sun

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I take it your husband would not have a problem with you texting another man up to 2000 times a month and also while out of town?

That it would be fine because the man is positive and listens to everything you say with interest.

 

Because if my husband attempted to tell me there was nothing going on and did any nonsense like gaslighting, I'd give him a taste of his own medicine before checking out of the marriage, even if it was initially not a physical checking out.

 

I must say him acting like he deserves a gold medal for not texting her would tick me off. That's the kind of nonsense that would actually make me want to find a better man.

 

Have you thought that he could be using a secret phone to text her at all?