Emotional affair(s)

[merrmeade]

His issues definitely stem from entitlement and control.

Yes, it's called narcissism

.....I am hesitant to end things over texting.

Rad "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass yet.

[heartwhole]

I think if it were me, I would consult a lawyer and initiate a separation immediately. I really would. I would do that not expecting any kind of amazing reversal on his part, simply realizing that if I stay, I'll just get more of the same.

 

If and only if he expresses a strong and meaningful desire to do whatever it takes to save the marriage, then I'd require a copy of his text conversations with this woman, a polygraph, IC, transparency with all electronic devices and finances, GPS tracking, more IC, phone mirroring, a clear rule against any interactions with females that are not strictly business, more IC, and . . . OK, I just can't even make this list because the possibility that your husband would actually do it is so slim. He's still acting indignant and blaming you about secretly restarting an inappropriate relationship that you had already objected to with at least the third such woman. But he spent 45 minutes reading and swears he gets it this time, so it's all good, right? I mean, the list I just made is ridiculous because that's not a marriage, that's you being his mommy, but that's what I would need to have any reason to start thinking about trusting him again.

 

It's just not rational to have hope that things will change now. You'd be much better served putting your energy into protecting yourself and your children. Believe me, I'm reconciling with a cheater, so I do think there are circumstances in which a BW can reasonably give the marriage a second chance, but this would be at least the fifth chance in your case, and he's not remorseful or transparent or even patient at all with you. He's just annoyed that you're such a problem that poor OW has to look for another job to avoid your crazy Medea rage.

 

I mean, seriously, your WH has no idea what crazy Medea rage even looks like. I wish you'd show him!

[Lois_Griffin]

We are in the process of working through this - he does show some insight that seems more than he's shown in past.

No, you're in the unfortunate position of learning how to yet AGAIN find a way to eat the sh*t sandwich he's once AGAIN serving up to you.

 

He has zero respect for you and your marriage. I think it would be pretty naive, at best, to assume he has any loyalty whatsoever and wouldn't take advantage of an opportunity to get physical with any of the the women he's continually cheated on you with.

 

Sadly, you only know HIS side of the story and he's a proven liar.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yes, I see your point and I have been looking at it like that. I guess my attitude is I have wanted to be married and have our family intact and I seem to put up with a lot. You all have been very enlightening and supportive and I've gotten some good advice. After pondering this yesterday, I do see that just letting this slide and "moving on" is really not a good plan of action. And just reading a short book doesn't fix the problem. I am trying to craft an action plan that requires more from him. It may come to a separation where he sees how much he might lose and really shifts that dynamic dramatically.

 

At a minimum, I need to come up with some requirements for him that don't let him off so easily. I told him yesterday he has to do some IC. Not negotiable any longer. He has been highly resistant to this in the past.

 

I am also going to figure out what other steps I can take. I am considering doing a "postnup" (I think it's called) where we meet with a lawyer and agree on a settlement if things don't work out.

 

I guess what I want is to have a very specific Plan B that will go right into play if any whiff of shenanigans in the future. There won't be a lot of crying, fighting - he'll have made his choice.

 

Any other suggestions?

Appreciate you guys

After the last affair you caught him in (the 4-year one) I'm sure you probably told him many many times that if he ever pulled this crap again, you'd be gone.

 

There aren't too many betrayed spouses who DON'T make that claim.

 

So if you did tell him that, and he chose to do it yet AGAIN, why would you forgive him - again?

[LavendarLass]

Well, we had big arguments most of the night last night. Draining.

 

He has agreed to meet with IC.

he has also set up meeting with a trusted friend - somewhat older man with good life experience and very good character. A friend and mentor. WH tends to avoid putting time and effort into male friendships, so this is a change for him. Really a first. WH does not think he needs much advice, ever, but he is finally admitting he's got a problem/lapse of moral judgement.

 

He said he wants to make this up to me/our family and will never let this happen again. He did say if any sort of inappropriate interaction/relationship develops in the future, he agrees to move out immediately without argument.

 

I realize this will sound crazy to everyone. Maybe it is.

I have not made any long-term plans - am just willing to see how things go over next few weeks/months and decide if we can continue to work on this while in same household vs needing separation.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well, we had big arguments most of the night last night. Draining.

 

He has agreed to meet with IC.

he has also set up meeting with a trusted friend - somewhat older man with good life experience and very good character. A friend and mentor. WH tends to avoid putting time and effort into male friendships, so this is a change for him. Really a first. WH does not think he needs much advice, ever, but he is finally admitting he's got a problem/lapse of moral judgement.

 

He said he wants to make this up to me/our family and will never let this happen again. He did say if any sort of inappropriate interaction/relationship develops in the future, he agrees to move out immediately without argument.

 

I realize this will sound crazy to everyone. Maybe it is.

I have not made any long-term plans - am just willing to see how things go over next few weeks/months and decide if we can continue to work on this while in same household vs needing separation.

 

 

 

For what it's worth...I promised John I would never cheat again...that i would never hurt him again...that i would kill myself before i ever let that happen.

 

I have never cheated...and I am still alive.

 

Does your husband mean it? I don't know....and only you can make that call.

But i would hold his feet to the fire...and the first time he gave me any indication that he was not going to keep his promise...if he misses an appointment etc.....I would kick his arse out. The end. Do NOT let him get by with anything.

[Mr. Lucky]

I realize this will sound crazy to everyone. Maybe it is.

 

Certainly not crazy that he would say those things, most WS become skilled at saying what their partners want to hear. Sometimes, they even believe what they're saying .

 

And definitely not crazy that you'd want to believe him. Any BS has been there and understands the pull of normalcy, whether real or perceived.

 

Just be careful you're not working backwards from the resolution you hope to achieve. History not on your side...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LavendarLass]

Certainly not crazy that he would say those things, most WS become skilled at saying what their partners want to hear. Sometimes, they even believe what they're saying .

 

And definitely not crazy that you'd want to believe him. Any BS has been there and understands the pull of normalcy, whether real or perceived.

 

Just be careful you're not working backwards from the resolution you hope to achieve. History not on your side...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I am really wondering if he uses suppression and compartmentalization to such a degree that he has really talked himself into believing certain things. Very honestly I get that impression.

Not even sure how to handle that.