Aeem Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 I've been married for 4 years and with my husband for 10 years overall. He confessed and told me he cheated with 6 different women during the first two years we were together. I had some suspicions back then but I always pushed them to the side as I didn't think he would cheat on me and he always made me out to be crazy and turned everything back on me if I questioned him and he never trusted me even though I never did anything. Any how long story short probably some of the cheating was done in the early stages but over the course of time we moved in together and got a dog and that to me says we are exclusive and he wanted me to be but he was actively going out cheating. I am so hurt by all of this, I feel like the foundations of our relationship are ruined and had I known this we would never have gotten married. It just seems like everything has been built on a lie, I don't even know why he married me if for the first two years 'he wasn't sure where we were going' and now we have two small kids. Advice needed! I feel like I should leave him but when there is two kids involved it is really hard. He played so many mind games and cut me down so much at the start that that nearly annoys me more than the cheating. He has big trust issues, I don't even know why he has decided to tell me this now, he said he wanted to tell me for a while and felt better now that he has been honest and that he would never cheat on me now. He feels better and I am devastated.
elaine567 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Trust is now gone, if you want to stay married you both need to go to IC and MC and work through all this. Sweeping it under the rug won't work
understand50 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 I've been married for 4 years and with my husband for 10 years overall. He confessed and told me he cheated with 6 different women during the first two years we were together. I had some suspicions back then but I always pushed them to the side as I didn't think he would cheat on me and he always made me out to be crazy and turned everything back on me if I questioned him and he never trusted me even though I never did anything. Any how long story short probably some of the cheating was done in the early stages but over the course of time we moved in together and got a dog and that to me says we are exclusive and he wanted me to be but he was actively going out cheating. I am so hurt by all of this, I feel like the foundations of our relationship are ruined and had I known this we would never have gotten married. It just seems like everything has been built on a lie, I don't even know why he married me if for the first two years 'he wasn't sure where we were going' and now we have two small kids. Advice needed! I feel like I should leave him but when there is two kids involved it is really hard. He played so many mind games and cut me down so much at the start that that nearly annoys me more than the cheating. He has big trust issues, I don't even know why he has decided to tell me this now, he said he wanted to tell me for a while and felt better now that he has been honest and that he would never cheat on me now. He feels better and I am devastated. Aeem, Let's break this down. First how is he treating you as of right now. Is he being a good loving supportive husband? Point is, after he decided to really commit to you, has he? One of the things I like to point out on "old" affairs, cheating, is can the WS point to faithful behavor from that time forward. If they can it tends to support the idea that he can be faithful to you in the future. It is one thing to swear that "I will be faithful to you from now on", just after cutting it off with the AP compared to being able to show that he has lived up to his vows for some time. I do not hold with the old saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater". People can change, but they must want to. Second point, it looks like you two were not married at the time he cheated. This does not in any way minimize his actions, but it may explain some of his thinking. Has he changed now that you two are married, or do you have the same fears from when you were living together? Again, no condoning what he did, but trying to understand. At this point, you need to decide if you divorce, or reconcile. This is a personal decision, and please take your time. A good first steep for both of you is to each read the top post on the infidelity thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know This will give him some idea of what he should be doing and also give you a idea of what should be happening. Right now you need information, and to think as clear headed as you can. I am of the opinion that reconciliation, can work, has great rewards, but is harder to do then just divorcing. Keep that in mind. I and many others, are in a marriage for a great length of time, that was touched by cheating. There are several couples that have reconciled here and can share their stories. Remember, that we are all different, but you will find "nuggets" of information that may help you. You may want to move this to the infidelity thread. Just click on the alert button and ask, the moderators will do this for you. Lastly, you have every right to be upset, hurt and in pain from his confession. For you, this has just happened. For him it is in the past. Time does not make what he did any less that what it is, a betrayal of your trust. There are many here that have advise and opinions to give that can help you, but remember, it is your life and take what you need from us, and leave what you do not. Once you decide what your path is keep to it. Whatever your reasons, are they are good for you, and do not let others question them. I wish you luck, and hope for the outcome you desire....... 2
Sunlight72 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 (edited) I am very sorry to hear of your new revelation Aeem. You are really going to have a hard time working with this whether you divorce or reconcile. Either way, I do wish you moments of peace and comfort over the coming months.It just seems like everything has been built on a lie...It was built on many lies. It doesn't 'seem' like it, it happened. Advice needed! I feel like I should leave him but when there is two kids involved it is really hard.Really Hard. It's particularly crappy of him to have waited until after you have children together to let you know who he really is.He played so many mind games and cut me down so much at the start that that nearly annoys me more than the cheating.I think if it were me, I would feel the same. I would feel like I had been played like a sucker against my own better judgement. How can you now trust that he has your safety/value/heart in mind when he is making his decisions & actions? How can you feel like you and he are on the same team?He feels better and I am devastated.Yes. It is horribly, awfully unfair! OK, my advice? I would advise you to leave with your children. Go to your parents if possible, or a friend's home. Once you're there, call and tell him you need time to figure out what this means for you, and you will call him when you are ready to ask questions and hear his answers. Take the battery out of your phone. He doesn't get to talk right now. Right now you need a safe place and hugs from people who care about you. Love on your children. ----------- After that, in a few days or weeks, I agree with understand50. There are a lot of folks here who can help you and your husband start to understand this, starting with; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...use-needs-know Also, I'd recommend spending time off-line with some people who you trust and who love you. I don't think you need to plan what to talk about or how to say things to anyone right now, I think you need to be somewhere safe for you because the shock is coming, and it will be hard to breathe. Eventually, like in a week or two, please seek Individual Counseling, and when ready after that seek Marriage Counseling if you want to explore the possibility of reconciling. Best Wishes Aeem, Sunlight Edited July 16, 2016 by Sunlight72
juniorrocha Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Once trust is gone, it's hard to deal with it in a relationship. I dated my ex for 2 years and during the first year she often had shady behavior, what led me to think she was hiding things from me. It took her an entire year of acting behind my back, including lies, flirtings, cheating, and then she confessed about it all. Our second year was much better as in she got a lot closer, and I truly believe she stopped doing all that, but trust had been destroyed. It eventually destroyed our relationship as well. So take this from a guy that tried another year to make things work: it will only work if you are really willing to let it go. And I mean it. I wasn't, I tried, but deep inside I knew I would never trust her again. Like you said yourself, once the reality is not what you think it was, once it becomes lies, you feel betrayed and there's nothing in this world that will change that. However, you can forgive and get past this situation. Or you can divorce and try to start fresh with someone new, when the time comes.
NTV Posted July 19, 2016 Posted July 19, 2016 Some people don't value faithfulness when dating but do when married. Like they hardwired themselves to do it that way. The seriousness of the relationship at that level, the vows said and meant, etc. etc. So if he cheated when dating, but hasn't at all when married... he may fit into that category.
Mikeisch1 Posted July 20, 2016 Posted July 20, 2016 I am/was in a similar situation but i knew the first 3 years my gf cheated on me. Something in me almost made me not take no for answer and i would win her faithfullness. I did catch her red handed a few times. Butt ass naked with another guy. I Forgave and it was the best decision ever now with that said i ended up having a texting friendship with a friend of hers 4 years ago. It went on off and on for 2.5 years. We kissed 6 times and that is as far as i went. We have 3 kids together and now i am unforgivable for what i did snd we are barely hanging on it seems st times. Nothing like when i went all in on her. She claims what i did was worse cause it was post kids but i argued the point that our first couple years should have been our honeyphase and should have bedn nothing but her and i. This argument gets no where fast. I brought it up how i forgave and dealt with it and she wont hear it. Says we were young it wasnt the same. Well if i can offer advice if you think you can get over it do not cheat back cause just cause you forgive someone does not meanyoi will get the same in return. Also when i started texting my gf wss telling me for 2 years to find someone ekse to talk to and find another gf on the side. Well she told the other wokan all this stuff and she pursued me i did not pursue her.
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