Troubled about my girlfriend's past with drugs

[nickdrake2]

Hi all,

 

I have seen a bunch of people with similar problems and I would like to hear some thoughts on my situation.

I have been dating a girl for four months. she is sweet, caring, accomplished, smart. I loved the depth of her thoughts, the common interests. within 3 months, we went on holiday together, I met her parents, I was feeling that finally I might have found someone really good for me...

 

then an unfortunate telephone call happened. we had not seen each other for a couple of weeks, and I was so much looking forward to hear her voice. she called around midnight and I was almost ready to tell her words that I rarely used in a relationship in my entire life.

 

but the conversation went in another direction. she talked about a "retreat" with friends where they did all kind of drugs. LSD, ecstasy, and what not.

that was just a start of a conversation about her drug use as well as her past relationships—the two being very interconnected.

I ask her why she is taking drugs, she says how ecstasy, for instance, is good to take with a guy—and mentions some random person she met at a music festival and spent days with.

I felt cramps in my stomach.

the stories proceeded. weed, mushrooms, ecstasy, LSD, a long period with coke with a particular boyfriend, and many others that I did not even know existed. how certain drugs are good for sex and other not. how often? she does not keep an account, she says. my impression is that this has been quite regular. lately however, she has done it more sporadically. mostly because she'd loose her job, or she could not perform at her job. but not because she thinks there is anything wrong about that.

 

ever since, I cannot think about anything else, and the relationship is crumbling.

I'd like to add that I am a very liberal person. I'd be in favor to legalize all drugs, so that they don't stay with criminals and addicts can be helped. I did weed myself, but really did not see the point. how much should this bother me? the drugs haven't fundamentally altered her life. she seems to be in control. my instincts say I should trust her. she'll be faithful, and she is in love.

 

However, there are a lot of things I cannot digest.

 

The most stupid one is the not so respectful mentioning of a random relationship with a guy on ecstasy. days at a festival under the intimacy of the drug. I find it very hurtful. not because of the casual sex itself, but much more because she was telling it to me without any feeling that it could hurt, and that it would open so many questions about what she did under drugs. how often was this? what would she do when under ecstasy? how far would she go? I know that the past is the past. still it makes me shiver.

 

But the other part-and probably the most important one-is that she seems to be so familiar with such a long list of drugs, and she is not saying she does not wish to do them anymore. cocaine troubles me particularly. It's very addictive, and I really have never met anyone who does it regularly who is not an idiot. and the acids, or even ecstasy, can be pretty dangerous.

 

In a state of shock, I tried to have a conversation with her, and I did it in a bad way. I asked about drugs and how often and guys etc...it may have sounded aggressive, and we talked about it a few times without getting anywhere. mostly, she becomes irritated by my questioning. does not understand why I am so troubled. she did say, first, that before taking any drugs we'd discuss it. then, she switched to saying that if that bothered me so much she'd just quit. so would that really make it a thing of the past? and would she abide by that promise in possible dark moments of our relationship?

 

all in all, I am stuck in a desperate state and just unable to enjoy the beauty and passion of this new relationship. I stop seeing the many beautiful sides of her and just focus on this problem. a part of it that it is an aspect of her past that makes me extremely uncomfortable for reasons I don't entirely understand. a part of it is sheer jealousy. I just cannot imagine that the sweet creature I have in my arms and I would have been ready to die for would just take ecstasy and bang people she just met. and a good part of it is the fear for the future. she is curious about drugs. she likes drugs. this has not changed. she'll be around people (her circle of friends) who do drugs regularly. people I would not like. she'll be tempted. and what's the underlying problem that makes her do drugs?

 

hope that someone can share some ideas, experiences or anything that could help me analyze this situation. my instincts tell me I should trust her. but my instincts were wrong many a time. I don't want to suffer again.

 

thanks for any input.

[SevenCity]

When I was young I met this girl when I was working at a supermarket. She was older than me and liked me and due to my age I was very interested.

 

I went over her place once and saw coke on a mirror with a razor blade. I didn't quite know what to think but it freaked me out. She dragged me along for a while then left.

 

I spoke with my manager at the time and he said something that I still remember almost 30 years later. "Women will always love their drugs more than they love you"

 

A guy I used to be friends with had a sister hooked on drugs (I lost my virginity to her). She ended up in jail and ultimately overdosed and died.

 

The drug life is bad news. Nothing good will come out of it. Her telling you she'll stop is her saying she will lie to you. The power of drugs will far surpass the value of your relationship.

 

If she felt she had a problem and really wanted to quit it would still be a Herculean task to get her to normal. Her not seeing a problem makes her stopping impossible.

 

I get you have feelings for her, but you really need to walk away.

[kgcolonel]

Just to clarify....

 

Was the usage of drugs and random sex before you met or while you two were in a relationship?

 

Do you see her opening up as a feeling you out to see how you would feel about both the drug use and random guys or somewhat of a confessional?

 

Can you ask her "where do you see yourself 1,3, 5 or 10 years from now?

 

I used to "really" enjoy pot, during and for a short period after college. I knew that cocaine was off limits to me personally due to the addictive nature however. I too would share your concern about both the drug use and the random sex....

[Justanaverageguy]

So really it just comes down to whether you are really compatible or not. Whether you have the same values - whether what you think about drugs (and life) in the same way she does and whether its a deal breaker going forward. Its very hard for someone who has judged drugs to be unacceptable for themselves to be ok for their serious partner to do them.

 

I'm pretty open minded when it comes to drugs. I was a casual drug user in my youth so I actually like girls who are open minded and have some experience with them as well .... just a personal preference and compatibility thing. Generally a girl like this will have more common interest and see things in a similar way to me.

 

I tried pretty much everything you mentioned above plus a few others. but I'm also a person who can try it and not need to keep doing it. I used it in moderation every now an then for fun at special events like festivals. For me it really wasn't a big deal. I never had any issues with my drug use and still very occasionally partake. I had 2 serious girlfriend in th period when i was taking drugs and the experiences were vastly different. The first one went really into them. Her sister was dating a drug dealer and she got into excessive usage which was the reason I broke up with her. Not because she took drugs - but because she took them in an unhealthy way which effected her emotionally and put herself in positions I wasn't comfortable with. I had another girlfriend in that time who was on the same page as me and the experiences we had on drugs definitely strengthened the relationship. Not sure - it might be hard for someone who hasn't really taken them to understand that. This isn't a festival fling either it was a 3 year relationship. But it strengthened the relationship because we took together as a shared experience in a way we were both comfortable with.

 

Not everything about drug usage has to be negative - how it affects people is variable and how people use drugs is variable. Its going to be difficult for you even if you are ok with her taking them as you will never get those shared experience there will always be a level of disagreement, feeling of being left out and potentially concern about what she is doing when she is on them.

[Leigh 87]

I am in the same position as you OP.

 

Only I am crazy in love with him and we had been living together.

 

It sure sucks.

 

No advice here but jusf letting you know that you're not alone.

[Friskyone4u]

I hate to tell you this but you need to make believe you are a NASCAR driver and get in the car and drive as fast as that thing will go away from this girl.

 

She is a drug addict, is cheating on you probably sometimes without even remembering, and basically getting pissed at you for not thinking it is all great.

 

if you told were told this story by your best friend, are you seriously telling me you would tell them to stick around.????

 

if the answer to that is yes, I suggest you try to find an IC and figure out what is clouding your judgement.

 

Good luck

[ASG]

I can never relate to this sorts of posts...

 

There's a lot of drug use (particularly cocaine) in the industry I work in. It's a thing. However, I've never seen or dealt with anyone who is properly addicted. Just recreational users.

 

And I wouldn't say they were gateway drugs either. I know many many people who do all sorts of drugs, from weed to mushrooms, but would never ever EVER try heroin or crack or anything really messed up. They use uppers, not downers.

 

So I don't find it problematic at all. And I don't do drugs at all. I don't like the way I react to them and with new drugs, not doing what the response will be, freaks me out. Much prefer alcohol, as a drug, as I know exactly how that makes me feel.

 

Anyway, her telling you about a relationship that happened at a festival wasn't meant to hurt you. She was just telling you about her past. Which she has. And you do too.

 

But you do need to figure out if this is a deal breaker for you. She's probably not going to stop taking drugs completely, though, because you aren't a user, she'll likely be doing it less than she did with other BFs who were users as well.

[preraph]

She sounds like me. She's been honest with you because she loves herself and is not trying to conceal who she is because she doesn't want to build a relationship on a false foundation. This is who she is. You are never going to be comfortable with it because you are too conventional for her. You both know this. You can have fun for as long as it lasts, but it's not going to last. Deep down, she probably is thinking you're not exploratory enough for her just as you are thinking this is all beyond your comfort range. Nothing wrong with that. But she's being honest, and so should you. Good luck.

[nickdrake2]

I am in the same position as you OP.

 

Only I am crazy in love with him and we had been living together.

 

It sure sucks.

 

No advice here but jusf letting you know that you're not alone.

 

Thanks so much Leigh 87. Your words mean a lot to me in this moment.

how did you find strategies to cope? how do you communicate with him your fears and insecurities? and how does he respond?

The problem I have is that whenever we touch the subject she feels attacked. I am just telling her I am suffering but she perceives it as a judgmental. and then she gets less caring, less empathetic, just looks the other way and can go out dancing, and be ok as if nothing had happened, at least that's how I perceive it although that's probably her way to cope.

I really feel helpless, I am sleepless but still madly in love of the way I saw her before I knew.

[blackcat777]

Someone who uses drugs is not going to stop or change for a relationship. Period.

 

If what she does makes you squirm, bail out now.

 

You can't control what another person does with their body. Turning a partner vegetarian never ends well. Pressuring a partner to lose weight doesn't end well.

 

You can't force someone to change what they put into their body... or how they choose to relate to their consciousness.

 

The aggressive responses and the fact that she tunes out when you talk to her - rather than engaging and trying to communicate - is a bad sign.

 

Too much pressure will force them to take their drug use underground.

[Poppyolive]

How old are you both?

 

When I first met my ex, I heard about his drug binges at music festivals with his buddies. (I've tried drugs in the past, don't fancy them.) It worried me but I gave it a go. Many nights he would do coke with his buddies. Does nights were never ending, resulting in sleeping all day. I joined in maybe two times, but quickly realised it wasn't needed nor good for me. I told him my dislike, worries, fears, although understanding of my concerns he continued because he "would stop soon". 1 year in to our relationship I expressed I no longer wanted to be near the drug (not in out apartment) and that nights he was doing coke, I wouldn't be apart of. Once a month, or so, he would go out with friends, all guys, and miss work the following day.

 

At 2 years in I had enough. Me or drugs. He chose me. You could tell he wasn't happy about it and he struggled watching his buddies go off in groups to do coke. I always explained that I wasn't stopping him. I just simply wanted zero trace in my life. The rest was his choice. I stood firm, and was willing to walk away. He did really well, and grew a fondness for enjoying weekend mornings up early and going on adventures, not in bed feeling rotten.

 

I soon noticed his drinking picked up and was getting out of hand. He had no filter, didn't know when to stop and was such an annoying, dumb drunk. All this eventually broke down our relationship dynamics. Resentment built-up, so on. He was a mess. After we split he was back doing weekend drug binges.

 

So. Im.not saying your girlfriend well go down the same route. But, her drug taking is filling an unloved part of herself. Her irritation with you asking questions goes to show that she is choosing drugs over you, over your relationship. She may stop, she may not. It may make you or break you.

 

Make the choice for you....can you live with her lifestyle choices or not? What are you going to do?

 

I wasted 6 years with somebody that had no intention of putting me or our relationship first. I believed promises, after promises of change. The promise were lies. He told me that the day we split. It was all to buy more time. That he was complacent. I was guilt tripped and hurt over and over. If I could rewind I would of left the first time.

 

You are not her number 1. Some food for thought.

[nickdrake2]

How old are you both?

 

I wasted 6 years with somebody that had no intention of putting me or our relationship first. I believed promises, after promises of change. The promise were lies. He told me that the day we split. It was all to buy more time. That he was complacent. I was guilt tripped and hurt over and over. If I could rewind I would of left the first time.

 

You are not her number 1. Some food for thought.

 

Thanks Poppyolive. I truly feel for you, especially now that I am living this. I am sure you have bright days ahead of you. Find someone who is clean, and full of life, and bright. Life can change so quickly.

 

She is 32, I am 37. Does it make a difference? If she was in her 20s, I'd be more understanding probably. But she has been doing that all her life, and the reason why she has not done it recently—she said it clearly—is because she'd get checked at work.

 

I feel trapped by guilt as well—she had a very hard life and a lot of problems, and a part of me tells me I am not paying attention to the part of her life that made her what she is. Still, I try to put myself in her shoes, and what a world of difference I would say. I'd be constantly reassuring her, explaining why she should not worry, I'd be happy to talk for hours and hours and hours, and I'd understand if she judged me, but I'd be most worried about her happiness. Instead, all I got about an issue as big as this was 3 long conversations, after which she just said she was upset and we keep discussing about the same things and proceeding in a circle. Then she takes a few days off without seeing me, and we get back to being nice to each other. I am now scared to talk, to confess my insecurities, to ask for reassurance for my fears. As someone else wrote, it's probably as simple as this: she does not want to change, she does not feel drugs are bad at all. She will probably do them occasionally without telling me, and probably cope with that very well. Should I just grow up and be more open? If I were a bit easier going on this, that'd be fine. But I am not. Cocaine is as ugly as it gets, and I find people on ecstasy so lame I cannot stand their sight. There is an abyss inside me know, made of distance, darkness and fears. I know I can't end it but I know I can't mend it. Never felt as helpless as this.

[Gr8fuln2020]

This is insane. People will come up with any excuse to hold onto someone. This lady is bad news. Her habits will certainly lead you into a world you will regret. It is dangerous to listen to people who project their "positive" drug experiences and exploits. For every so-called non-addicted exploits, there are plenty who are and whose lives are a mess b/c of it. There are consequences for any illicit drug use. Your relationship is young and your lady friend is certainly not concerned about her use and her exploits due to them. She enjoys using and willing to risk the negative behavior that comes with it. You are in a world of heartache. Don't fantasize about how you will save her. Or that your presence will mean that she will use less...absolutely no way of knowing and from what you've shared...no way that's going to happen.

[Cablebandit]

try some weed/X sex with her and you might see things from her perspective. Drugs often allow us to tap things in our brain that would be otherwise inaccessible. I'm all for pushing my boundaries so I will try some X myself with my wife if we can ever find the legit stuff.

[blackcat777]

a part of me tells me I am not paying attention to the part of her life that made her what she is

It's not your job to fix this woman, OP. She has to choose to fix herself. If she can't see that she even has a problem...

 

Seriously, read about what NA and AA has to say about relationships with people with addictions. Trying to "fix" her will only make her problems worse and it will still drive a wedge between you in the end.

 

Dating is about finding compatibility. You found out she loves drugs and has no intention to stop using them. You found out you were incompatible.

 

Do not pursue an incompatible relationship because the only way those can end is in heartbreak...

Edited July 17, 2016 by blackcat777

[nickdrake2]

thanks all so much for the time you took to read my long post and give me your answers...I appreciated every one of them, although the issue seem to be so polarizing that the two categories are like "try some ecstasy and you'll just relax" or "she is into drugs and therefore she'll always be"

 

I am pretty sure that she can control her use well. she has a great career, and has not wasted a second. I am also sure she likes drugs, and will use them again. but how many people use drugs can still be faithful, respectful, dedicated and sensitive partners and not let the drugs dominate their lives? I really have no feeling for it.

 

my purpose in posting this was also to find out why this is so hurtful to me, and I have not clarified it yet. perhaps, as someone wrote, I am just too conventional, and stepping out of the boundaries of my comfort zone simply hurts.

 

if anyone has experienced something more nuanced than the two black and white camps, I'd really love to hear his or her voice.

 

love

[lucy_in_disguise]

Is it the drugs or the potential for sex that you're worried about? If she had told you about her past but excluded the bit about banging the dude at the festival, would you have been more accepting?

 

Either way, I also think this is an incompatibility issue. You are not comfortable and will probably never be comfortable with a large part of her life and identity. Asking her to quit for good is unreasonable and unrealistic, as is changing your worldview on this.

 

My opinion is that many drugs can be positive, and it's possible to use them and be a good faithful partner, with some exceptions. In my opinion, cocaine, meth, and heroin are some of the exceptions. I have tried coke and have friends who manage to use it recreationally, but imo it's too risky and addictive for me to be comfortable with a partner who used it regularly.

[nickdrake2]

Is it the drugs or the potential for sex that you're worried about? If she had told you about her past but excluded the bit about banging the dude at the festival, would you have been more accepting?

 

Either way, I also think this is an incompatibility issue. You are not comfortable and will probably never be comfortable with a large part of her life and identity. Asking her to quit for good is unreasonable and unrealistic, as is changing your worldview on this.

 

My opinion is that many drugs can be positive, and it's possible to use them and be a good faithful partner, with some exceptions. In my opinion, cocaine, meth, and heroin are some of the exceptions. I have tried coke and have friends who manage to use it recreationally, but imo it's too risky and addictive for me to be comfortable with a partner who used it regularly.

 

thanks for the reply. well, in principle I do agree with you, drugs can be positive, and although I never experimented with anything more than weed, I would even be curious to try. but as you said, there may be exceptions. and cocaine scares me, and she certainly had a few years in which she used it consistently with a boyfriend who clearly was an addict. plus I really don't like any of the people I have seen on cocaine. I look at her with loving eyes and I just cannot imagine her doing coke and wishing to do it again.

 

what I find really hard is to disentangle issues here. hearing about her banging a guy at a festival under ecstasy was hurtful. more than because she did, because she felt like it was something that it's natural to just say casually on the phone without explaining and justifying. made me think of all the things people associate with ecstasy and sexual behavior. and so that jealousy mixed in with the more rational discussion on drugs, making it very difficult to think about it with a clear mind.

 

I would have felt much different if she had been more careful about discussing this. If she had realized that telling certain stories raises questions about her identity. these are delicate issues that have to do with relationship, values and health. if I put myself in her shoes—no matter how awkward one could feel—I would be ready to face questions, to engage in conversations, to spend time and energy and passion trying to transform a barrier into intimacy. But she just drifts away when we talk. she feels attacked—and I swear I am always sweet when I approach it. she just says "I am not sure what hurts you. I have my own issues, and I try to deal with them. You should just think about what are your issues and solve them". this is not the way to deal with things in a communicative relationship.

 

the crazy thing is that she is not like that on anything else. she worries that so many little things could disappoint me, from not being able to cook to not doing enough sports to not speak as many languages as I do. that's (or was) very sweet. but on this, she is just so hard. I have done this and that. swallow it. no signs of empathy at all, which may be a much broader issue than drugs. If I feel she is suffering because of anything—even a stupid thing—I would just move mountains to delete that pain.

 

at any rate, my judgement is now clouded by fears (and my ignorance) about drugs and by jealousy, and this is what disturbs me, because deep in my heart I still find she is a very special person and I hate not to be able to be happy with her.

[Cephalopod]

My ex-wife was a casual drug user: marijuana, coke, and prescription drugs. She ended up getting really bad and by the time I had divorced her she was a full blown cocaine user and had cheated on me with several men.

 

My advice to you is to put this woman in your rear-view mirror. You are 37 years old and probably at a point where you want to settle down and have kids. Is this a woman you want carrying a child, raising your child? You need to ask yourself the hard questions.

 

Also, have you had yourself STD tested? STDs and drug use go hand in hand.

[Cephalopod]

the crazy thing is that she is not like that on anything else. she worries that so many little things could disappoint me, from not being able to cook to not doing enough sports to not speak as many languages as I do. that's (or was) very sweet. but on this, she is just so hard. I have done this and that. swallow it. no signs of empathy at all, which may be a much broader issue than drugs. If I feel she is suffering because of anything—even a stupid thing—I would just move mountains to delete that pain.

 

at any rate, my judgement is now clouded by fears (and my ignorance) about drugs and by jealousy, and this is what disturbs me, because deep in my heart I still find she is a very special person and I hate not to be able to be happy with her.

 

 

She is a compartmentalizer. Her life with you, and her freewheeling life as a casual drug user and free sexual spirit, are completely separate in her mind. That is why she talks about her sexcapades in such an offhand manner.

 

Compartmentalizers like her are very, very dangerous to marry or have long term relationships with, because you cannot predict what they will do in any given situation, and they will betray you without a second thought. Casual drug use and casual sex go hand in hand. What is to keep her from going to a concert without you, getting high, and ending up in some other guy's bed? She has basically told you in detail what she is capable of.

 

She has future-cheater written all over her my friend. Stay with her and at some point she will destroy you.

[Springsummer]

I think once an addict, always an addict.

 

My dad can never quit smoke and he doesn't even want to try. If cigar can make one addict so much, you can imagine cocaine.

 

I will never even try smoke or drug, because I know once I try I will never be able to quit.

[MJJean]

what I find really hard is to disentangle issues here. hearing about her banging a guy at a festival under ecstasy was hurtful. more than because she did, because she felt like it was something that it's natural to just say casually on the phone without explaining and justifying. made me think of all the things people associate with ecstasy and sexual behavior. and so that jealousy mixed in with the more rational discussion on drugs, making it very difficult to think about it with a clear mind.

 

I would have felt much different if she had been more careful about discussing this. If she had realized that telling certain stories raises questions about her identity. these are delicate issues that have to do with relationship, values and health. if I put myself in her shoes—no matter how awkward one could feel—I would be ready to face questions, to engage in conversations, to spend time and energy and passion trying to transform a barrier into intimacy. But she just drifts away when we talk. she feels attacked—and I swear I am always sweet when I approach it. she just says "I am not sure what hurts you. I have my own issues, and I try to deal with them. You should just think about what are your issues and solve them". this is not the way to deal with things in a communicative relationship.

 

I have tried and enjoyed many drugs over the years. Myths and legends are often based on some truth. The truth is that drug use and sex often go hand in hand. Especially with drugs like Ecstasy. The drugs that heighten physical sensation and arousal while lowering inhibitions often lead to sexual activity while under their influence. That's all part of the fun.

 

 

For those that are part of drug culture, there does seem to be a rather casual attitude toward casual sex. For her, talking of getting high and screwing a random guy at a festival is natural and normal. No need to justify or explain. You either understand or you don't.

 

Are you looking for her to explain casual sex to you? What about casual sex do you find confusing? Maybe we can answer your questions so that you can understand.

[blackcat777]

I think the greater issue here is the lack of boundaries.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look. She's set in her ways and anytime you bring up the subject and she gets mad, then to me she's putting her addictive habit before you.

 

Think about this. Your out with her and she gets busted for having drugs on her or in her system, there's a good chance your getting hauled in too. Granted you might get off since you didn't partake in taking drugs but none the less it wont be a good night for you.

 

My advice is to go find a girl that's drug free. This one thinks only of herself and has no intentions of changing for you or anyone else.

 

No doubt someday you'll here she's been busted or more than likely in rehab. Move on.