He Pushed Hard To Go Fast And Then Overnight He Broke It Off For Going Too Fast?

[lily536]

We met a month ago. From the get go, he came on STRONG. Since he kept coming on strong after several dates, I started reciprocating. We had everything in common. He could finish my sentences. We talked for hours about everything everyday, and he opened up to me (he suffers from anxiety/panic attacks but gets treatment). After 3 weeks of dating, he sent me a text at 2am OUT OF NOWHERE saying that the relationship was going too fast for him. We had talked about taking things slow, but then he would immediately push to act more and more couple-y. He made plans for super couple-y dates (spend the day at his house cuddling, going to buy Lego sets, helping him buy a new cologne, things you do with your bf not the guy you just met). He wanted exclusivity after 1date and wanted to hold my hand in public nonstop. He bought me cute gifts after each date. And now he freaked out over us moving too fast? His explanation confused me. He said he wanted me, but this was too fast. He didn't know if he was making the right decision about us by breaking up. He said we had an incredibly strong connection, that he was attracted to me, and that everything was amazing. That he got too excited about me, overcommitted, but that now that was too much. It sounded to me like: I want you and I want a relationship, but I can't handle it even though I told you I wanted a relationship several times. I offered to slow it down massively , but he didn't respond. What happened? How can I get him back? :/

[JewelD]

Sounds like it has more to do with himself than it does with you.

 

A girl was doing something similar to me. Coming on very strong and then after a couple weeks, she started acting differently. The advice I got on here, which I think applies to your situation as well, is that it's red flag when people push too fast.

 

The feelings can't be genuine because you don't know each other that well. However, they push fast because they're lacking something. Maybe he just ended a relationship recently or is going through a tough time and doesn't want to be alone.

 

Whatever the reason was, looks like he realized he's really not ready for a relationship just yet. Which makes sense because you guys haven't known each other that long. He was doing way too much so this is a good thing that he recognizes this.

 

I think you should give it a few days and see if he responds. If not, you tried and there's nothing more you can do.

[Ami1uwant]

Hard to say without knowing his background like you are the first person he newly dated few years at least ( after a relationship).

 

Some want to jump on the idea of love without actually being in love.

 

If you re the first person he has dated since a tough breakup he may want yo have another relationship but is not emotionally ready for a real relation.

 

Usually fast relationships end up burning out quickly.

[BaileyB]

I think it's clear that his anxiety has gotten the better of him. Sorry.

[Bialy]

It could be that he likes the rush of meeting someone new and getting immediate exclusivity, but is afraid of the repercussions of that, so he bails out.

 

If someone asks for commitment and exclusivity after one date... RUN! It was flattering and overwhelming for you (I've been there myself), but any person seeking commitment from you without actually knowing you well is a showing clear signs of insecurity and instability on his part.

Edited July 16, 2016 by Bialy

[phineas]

I've met women like this.

They come on strong then just ghost on me a few weeks later.

 

They have issues.

[Maggie888]

Coukd be an ex or another girl and he is just saying "moving too fast" as an excuse. Bc like you said, when you offered to slow down he didnt respond. So im guessing he rushed into it then changed his mind -- which usually would happen from another girl. Maybe u were a rebound from an ex and they got back together

[preraph]

A lot of men move way too fast because they want sex and then want to slow it way down after they get it and then judge you for giving it to them. I'm not sure that's what this guy's problem is, but if you are still at all interested in him, give him some space and definitely date other people. My guess is he's very insecure and so he wanted to lock you down, but now he's not ready to lock himself down. So do NOT agree to exclusivity. Tell him we're slowing it down for you and I'm open to dating around.

 

Remember that anyone who moves that fast and is in love instantly is not in love with you but in love with the ideal in their head that they are projecting onto you and the longer they get to know you, they are disappointed you are not their imaginary princess.

[lily536]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I honestly don't think it's about sex. He didn't leave the minute or a few days after we had it. Sex happened really early on, but it was a mutual thing that felt natural at the time. Even after we had it, he reassured me (without me asking) that he wanted more than just that.

 

The more I think about it, the more I think it's his anxiety. He's been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately. He even had one in the middle of a date even though the date was super relaxed (watching a movie at his place a few weeks after we met). I was always very supportive and tried to make him feel better/ take care of him when he felt ill. He really liked that about me. That I was not reacting badly to his anxiety issues. The anxiety thing is the only explanation I can conceive for why he would frantically text me at 2am out of nowhere. That's not typical behavior for him.

 

I'm going to wait a week before I give up. My hope is that he will calm down. Yes, he was flaky and hurt my feelings. But I believe in giving people one more chance. I really care about him. If he were to pull something like this again though, I'd cut him out immediately.

[lily536]

Also, the relationship was never extremely physical. We would talk about everything and really connected. It wasn't a superficial thing. Even on our dates, more than focusing on any one activity we would get lost talking to each other and opening up. That's why it really hurts. I really thought this could be something. I had my guard up initially, but eventually I couldn't resist anymore. He was so sweet and caring.

[MzLady]

OP.. I went through this exact same thing last year... and because he showed me so much kindness and attention from the start, I let me guard down and opened up my heart to him way faster than I should have. Thankfully, your guy had the decency to tell you he was having second thoughts... mine just ghosted me. I mean literally, we spoke one day, and then I never heard from him again. Talk about a broken heart. I was devastated, and I knew I couldn't get him back. Eventually, I realized he wasn't the man I thought he was. If he cared anything about me like I thought he did.. he wouldn't have left in such a hurtful way.

 

Moral of the story.. at least your guy is communicating with you. I think the more you push him to be with you, the more you will push him away. Maybe just letting him know that you care about him and that if he needs some space, you're ok with that. Just don't wait around for him.. easier said than done.. I KNOW. But you're going to have to treat it as a break up and start the healing process. If you wait around, it will only make it harder for you. I wish you all the best.

[sunshine2]

I had the same thing happen. Got very close, opened up sooner then I would have. Had sex sooner then I would have, and then he was gone... ghost city. I have no idea what or why it happened, so you are lucky he is communicating with you BUT, I say move on! He may keep doing this, getting close, then leaving and you will be hurt each and every time and sit around waiting for him to return. Im sure you would prefer to meet someone who is more steady. Also, sounds like you are a bit over caring and giving him way too much support to soon with his health issues. Watch how much you give, vs how much you get in return.