CatDog80 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 I had recently gotten back into contact with an EX who I hadn't seen in years. She emailed me a few months ago and I was in a relationship. I only emailed her maybe 3 times, then dropped the emails and went completely silent. Then I was single again and decided to message the Ex from years ago to catch up. She right away asked if I can visit her, which would have to fly to do. I said I wanted to but would still think about it. We had good phone conversations and it seemed we both were interested in each other again. But I ended up picking fights by text and she let that go a couple times and she finally didn't want to talk. It wasn't all me picking fights. I would try to bring up an issue and she wouldn't take it well. I'm sure I could have handled things better, but that's how it went. Anyway, I tried to explain myself and she wasn't interested in having any serious talks. I wasn't so much trying to continue things, but to be able to resolve some things. It was met with silence or her getting mad. So I sent a final message to wrap things up in a way to show we are on the same page. I wrote this: Just letting you know that you won't hear from me again. Even though it didn't go well, I'm glad we talked. It helped me make some decisions I put off. I know you are doing well and I'm happy here too. I think a part of me was trying to make conflicts so I wouldn't have to take any risk. Maybe that was for the best. I'm not sure. But I agree with you that it's best if we don't talk anymore. I was just wondering how do you think that last message would be taken?
basil67 Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 I'm really not a fan of voices from the grave, so to speak. When it's gotten to the point of requiring not talking anymore, it's best to not talk. Given that you were picking fights and raising issues while you were still talking, I suspect your email wouldn't have been terribly welcome no matter what you wrote. Anyway, it sounds like you've done the best thing. I can't imagine what type of problems you'd need to be solving during casual talks with an ex...but I'm guessing that the two of you were in very different head spaces. Upwards and onwards. Lots of life still out there to explore.
Bialy Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Your note is very straight forward and clear. There aren't any mixed messages in it all. Clean cut closure. The best thing to do is to leave that door closed for good.
Author CatDog80 Posted July 16, 2016 Author Posted July 16, 2016 I'm really not a fan of voices from the grave, so to speak. When it's gotten to the point of requiring not talking anymore, it's best to not talk. Given that you were picking fights and raising issues while you were still talking, I suspect your email wouldn't have been terribly welcome no matter what you wrote. Anyway, it sounds like you've done the best thing. I can't imagine what type of problems you'd need to be solving during casual talks with an ex...but I'm guessing that the two of you were in very different head spaces. Upwards and onwards. Lots of life still out there to explore. Yeah, I understand messaging her wouldn't be welcomed based on the circumstances. But it's kind of to be expected to give a last word and the message I left was pretty neutral and didn't have anything in it to bring a response. I wanted to at least leave things with the last thing said honest and as neutral as possible. The problems I wanted to talk about with her were mostly about how things ended years ago. I wanted to hear at least some sort of explanation. I guess I'm not satisfied with catching up being too much like small talk you have with someone you just met at a party.
Author CatDog80 Posted July 16, 2016 Author Posted July 16, 2016 Your note is very straight forward and clear. There aren't any mixed messages in it all. Clean cut closure. The best thing to do is to leave that door closed for good. Thanks, that's the message I was trying to convey.
Author CatDog80 Posted July 16, 2016 Author Posted July 16, 2016 I wanted to add a couple things. We ended things originally because she was from a different country and her visa here was ending. She was expected to go back home an help run the family business. There was a lot of pressure on her to do that. We had a really good relationship for a few months while she was here. So when we couldn't be together because of the distance, it was at a point where it had nothing to do with our relationship. For a few years we would talk on the phone about once a week. She visited once and I visited a couple times. We eventually made plans for me to visit regularly and hopefully move. But the last visit didn't go well. She had to work a lot and it seemed she was not putting the effort into the relationship with the time she could. When I left, I let he know that I didn't want to talk to her. She ended up contacting me after maybe a year and every year or so for a few years. I would just give the minimal response. Just a brief message back or a short time on the phone. There was no conflict and I wasn't warm or cold, just not that interested in talking. This time was different. And some circumstances that would have made getting back together hard, had changed. She no longer worked for the family business and has a regular job. Part of me would like to talk to her again. I made the mistake of letting the conversation with her be too much like we were together again. It was moving too fast. I am not set on what will happen....getting back together or not. I wish I could get to know her again and do that without feeling like I am just jumping into things and without anything expectations attached to it.
Author CatDog80 Posted July 16, 2016 Author Posted July 16, 2016 I found something she wrote on facebook that was hidden in her about section. It's a couple paragraphs about love, losing, disappointing, calling to hear your voice, forgiving, etc. It's the only thing she has written in english. What is this supposed to be? A message to me? I'm the only ex that speaks english. I just don't feel like this is over. I'm not going to contact her for at least a month to cool things off.
Rupert Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Catdog, Stop reading her stuff on Facebook. Hidden message? She would just contact you. I have done the message from the grave myself. The purpose of that is for YOU to feel closure, not for her (that's why we do it). Unfollow her FB, etc. Delete her number and ignore (as best you can). IT sucks, there is nothing you will do to make it feel better. Really remember that.
Author CatDog80 Posted July 16, 2016 Author Posted July 16, 2016 Catdog, Stop reading her stuff on Facebook. Hidden message? She would just contact you. I have done the message from the grave myself. The purpose of that is for YOU to feel closure, not for her (that's why we do it). Unfollow her FB, etc. Delete her number and ignore (as best you can). IT sucks, there is nothing you will do to make it feel better. Really remember that. For me, I can feel better. I already feel the difference between today and yesterday. Sending the last message helped. Some time to clear my head helps. It's not like I just broke up with someone who I was just with. When she left years ago, that's when it was really hard. Now's it's just like something unfortunate happened, but my life didn't really change.
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