After No Contact EX sent Me this Letter. What does it mean?

[NTRT88]

Depends on what you did to him exactly as far as treating him badly. But I don't think you overreacted by deciding to end it if it made you uncomfortable.

 

But it sounds like you're unsure if you did the right thing. Is there anything he could have done to make you feel better about it?

 

You could have told him it bothered you, but would it have changed anything anyway if you can't be with someone who slept with your friend?

 

 

I guess I am unsure. I mean he would have been perfect if it was not for that. I think sometimes its not like he cheated on me and it happened so long before we were even together.....maybe it shouldn't matter. Do others think this should have been a deal breaker?

[Addicted18]

Did you find out he slept with your friend AFTER he moved to be with you? And as far as it being a deal breaker that he slept with your friend, how is him and your friend's relationship? Are they still friends or close? If it was a one time thing because they were both drunk and they aren't even close to each other, I would let it go. It's not like y'all were together when it happened.

Edited July 16, 2016 by Addicted18

[SevenCity]

I guess I am unsure. I mean he would have been perfect if it was not for that. I think sometimes its not like he cheated on me and it happened so long before we were even together.....maybe it shouldn't matter. Do others think this should have been a deal breaker?

 

Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker and the fact you kicked him out sounds like you made that decision.

 

That said, you should understand that you were not in the picture back then. Also, guys can have sex with a woman and have it mean the same as masturbating. On the other hand, he could have fallen for her. We don't know with the info that was given.

 

In the future, I think it is important so share your reasons.for a breakup.

 

But I still think you should let this one alone. You had plenty of time to grapple with his past and reach out to him to explain but you didn't. There has to be a reason for that.

[Giggles666]

//When he came to get his stuff I didn't have time to talk. I had to go to work and I was aggravated. You really think this letter means he still has feelings for me?//

 

Yes. If he did not he would not write it.

 

Often times people do not realize how important the breakup process is, both parties only get one shot, usually. He's obviously still "in love" he's being nice, most likely due to the fact he does not want you to feel that he is angry about what happened. He is afraid if he expresses any anger he'll ruin a future with you. Frankly, if I was him I would be angry with the way things were handled, I would not express that though if I was still in love.

 

Going through the same thing right now, I'm still in love with her...and it makes me feel pathetic that I can not just say how I really feel because I am afraid she will think I am an angry or crazy person, and deep down inside I have not given up hope even though rationally I know I should.

 

Emotions like love are screwy. Be careful if you reply, 1 year of staying away can set him back big time.

[Densel]

OP,

 

I get a sense that you are a person who hides your emotions very well. You are jealous and possessive and I felt what you did is like revenge to your ex for sleeping with your friend way before you two became an item.

 

I feel this is over reacting on your part. You have doubts about your decision and pride/ego is stopping you from contacting your ex. My honest opinion, you did him wrong.

 

Of course your ex still loves you. After a year who would bother to even craft out such a long letter with in depth feelings, do you think he has nothing else better to do.

 

So what do you want now?

 

Do you want him back ?

[NTRT88]

What do you think of this letter from the ex?

 

 

 

I understand you do not feel a conversation is necessary but there are things that have been left unsaid and I need to clear the air. We all have different ways of handling things and I have tried respecting your way but in the process I had lost my way. I do not expect anything from you I just needed to say these things.

 

I spent a long time trying to understand and process everything that happened between us. When I moved home to find someone that didn’t love me anymore I was completely crushed. I won’t go through all the details but the weeks after I got home and everything that had transpired was an extremely painful time for me. I know feelings don’t change overnight. I had to accept that yours had changed for me before I moved home. I was angry and upset that you would let me make these major life changes knowing that and also by the way things were handled once I was home. Admittedly, no matter how it was handled I was going to be heartbroken but it just felt like there was not a lot of care taken with my feelings and what I was going through. At times it felt like you were trying to hurt me. That was the hardest part to understand in it all. I would come to accept that your feelings had changed but it was a lot harder to accept why you went about it the way you did. Plans that were broken, calls unreturned, and texts ignored cut me deeper and deeper. Then came the hurtful things said about me, either to me or for me to hear. These took even bigger pieces of me. I was trying to hold on with everything I had, hoping this was just nervousness that would work its way out, but I was slowly being torn apart in front of an audience. I felt I deserved better than that.

 

By the time I came to get my stuff from your house I hadn’t heard from you in weeks, I knew you didn’t feel the same for me anymore, and I knew you wanted it to be over. I was confused and didn’t understand but I accepted that I couldn’t change how you felt. At this point, I hoped I would just see the girl I knew one last time. I had hoped I would see someone who, even though didn’t love me anymore, cared enough for me that she could sympathize with the pain I was in and was sorry all this had happened. I thought if I could just see some sign of sadness from her I would know she had cared and I wasn’t a complete fool for moving home to be with her. I came seeking a peaceful ending, albeit a sad one, but one where I could move on from in a healthy way. I wouldn’t see or get any of that from you that day and then it was over. I left hurt and more confused. I was broken. I felt alone.

 

Clearly, this breakup was difficult for me. There were a lot of big things wrapped up into it which didn’t help but it was difficult because I had feelings for you long before you ever came to Ohio and I know that wasn’t a big secret. It’s hard to explain but I had always felt a connection to you. Obviously you were beautiful but there was something else about you. You were different than everyone else around you. I felt drawn to you. So when we finally connected when you came to visit I knew this was my chance. There was over a half a dozen states and a 1000 miles between us but there was no way I was going to let that stand in my way. I would have traveled over any distance to be with you. The months that followed were some of the happiest times of my life. I fell completely in love with you. You were beautiful, smart, funny, and a long list of other complimentary adjectives that would make anyone feel lucky to have you. It was so much more than that though. When we were out at a bar or restaurant you would always clean up like you were the one working. If there was live music somewhere you made sure to go over and tip the band. When the old guy with the bad Italian mafia accent would not leave us alone you entertained it the entire time. Sometimes when you were nervous, like parallel parking, you would hum quietly to yourself. You were such a good aunt to your niece and there for your sister. You sometimes messed up words and would get a little awkward about it. You would grab my arm and wrap it around you when we were walking. You would want me to call you in the morning and at night, “just to hear my voice”. You would sometimes jump to my side of the table when we were at a restaurant just to be closer to me. I could go on and on but the point is that it was all the small details that made me fall in love with you. These were the things that made you who you were and I loved every detail. It was all these little things that made me know that as all the superficial things in life faded away my love for you never would. I thought we would grow old together and I’d be turning up your hearing aid to tell you one more bad joke or whisper I love you one more time before we fell asleep. You were my future; you were my everything. When you told me you loved me in the pool that day my heart was so full. I had loved you more than any words could do justice. Everything finally made sense to me. It seemed as though all the twists and turns life had taken was so that very moment could happen. I had everything I needed. I wanted for nothing. I was complete.

 

In the days, weeks, and months following everything I struggled to rebuild a life that I hadn’t planned. I was distraught for a long time not understanding where I went wrong and with not having answers. Eventually, I was able to take a step back from everything and step into your shoes and I think I was able to understand a little more of what you may have been going through. I realized that you couldn’t help not being in love with me anymore than I could help being in love with you. Love isn’t a word; it is a connection, it is a feeling and you didn’t have it. I realized that by the time you discovered this it was probably too late in the process of me coming home. I am sure you felt overwhelmed and burdened by this and not sure what to do. In the end, you had to do what was best for you and I understand. I wish things could have been handled better but I know I didn’t deal with every situation perfectly either. I made mistakes along the way too and I am sorry. I only wish I could have heard this from you.

 

The irony of it all is we became so close when we were distant and so distant when we were close. As much as I had wanted to, and as far as I would have traveled, I couldn’t figure out a way over that final distance between us.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It sounds like a letter from someone who has been extremely damaged by a breakup. There was no explanation or closure for him so it sounds like he is trying to find a way to heal from it and move on from it.

 

Best case scenario for him is that you finally own up to your reasons for leading him on to move to be with you only to be shut out without warning.

 

Personally, I think if you have any compassion for this person you will be honest with him and close this chapter.

 

Please don't use this as an excuse to play games with his emotions.

[NTRT88]

You think he is seeking closure? Not trying to reopen things?

[SevenCity]

I think this is a repost. Why? Did you not like the responses in your other thread?

 

From what I remember you were mad at him for sleeping with one of your friends before you met. Correct?

[NTRT88]

Yes, but I am still struggling with it and value more input

[SevenCity]

Yes, but I am still struggling with it and value more input

 

I posted in the other thread but I'll post again.

 

You have really hurt this guy. The fact that you allowed so much time to pass means what he did was a deal breaker or you didn't love him.

 

He can't change the past so you have two options:

1) accept it

2) don't accept it

 

 

I get what you are feeling. I would have a hard time if a friend of mine banged a girl I was dating. At the same time, you have to realize by contacting him it will hurt more than anything (for him). If you did / do care about him let him heal. Experiences like this can fundamentally change a person (for the worse).

 

Don't mess with people's emotions. It's not right and will come back to haunt you in the end.

[SevenCity]

Nor - let me ask this. What do you want to do? What do you want to come out of this?

[bubbaganoosh]

Seems to me that he needed to get this off his chest in order to move on. It isn't easy being on the receiving end of a breakup and the way he describes it, you showed no emotions at all.

 

I think it was a well thought out letter and he's not asking you for a reply.

 

In the future before you decide to rip someones heart out of their chest, do a bit of thinking because I promise you that if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be wondering the same thing.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You think he is seeking closure? Not trying to reopen things?

 

Yes, I do think he is looking for closure. He isn't begging you for another chance, he is looking for answers because you didn't give him any at the time.

 

Some people can brush what happened away and move on quickly because they don't want to give their ex the satisfaction of hurting them further, but for others, those lack of answers leaves a frustrating question that haunts them.

 

He is searching for his own way to close that upsetting chapter of his life.

 

Again, I implore you not to play anymore hurtful games with him to satisfy your ego. Try and approach this situation with some compassion.

[NTRT88]

Do you think I have a right to be upset? I mean I guess he thought I knew about that situation w/my friend. I have never told him that was the reason we broke up. I never gave him one. I sometimes feel it shouldn't matter. That was so long before us an shouldn't have anything to do with our relationship. I know he loved me so much

[LD1990]

Do you have a right to be upset? Sure, but it's petty, especially after you did something far worse in having him uproot his life and then treating him like garbage.

 

So he slept with your friend years ago. You two weren't together, so he didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, it sucks for you, it's a lousy situation, but clearly the guy ended up falling for you. What was he supposed to do? Not date you because he'd been with your friend?

 

Maybe he should've told you, but that also depends on how open you two were about your past sexual partners. If you two both laid it all out there sexual history-wise, then sure, he should've told you. Other than that, it's kind of tricky. It's easy to say "he should've told you." When's the right time to tell your girlfriend "Oh by the way, I nailed your friend awhile back"? First date? First time having sex? Beats me.

 

Look, he loved you and he still loves you, that much is obvious. No one writes a letter, especially a letter that long, a year after the breakup if they don't still have feelings for their ex.

 

It sounds like it's not the letter you're struggling with, it's the fact that this guy loves you, you still have feelings for him, but he had sex with your friend. There is no easy answer. If you want to try again with him, you have to get over what happened between him and your friend. If you can't, it's best to just ignore the letter and move on.

[NTRT88]

Did I treat him poorly? Did I have a right to? Will he forgive me for that?

[BC1980]

Did I treat him poorly? Did I have a right to? Will he forgive me for that?

 

You stated that you treated him poorly in you first thread. I'd say that asking him to move in with you and then dumping him a few days later is poor treatment. I get that you changed your mind, but I can't see that happening in a few days. Could you have spoken up before he moved? Did you really change your mind within a few days? I'm not saying you couldn't, but it seems unlikely.

 

You're asking if you had a right to treat him poorly. I would say NO from what you have told us.

 

I don't know if he will forgive you. Does it matter to you if he forgives you?

 

I think he's confused because you didn't divulge the real reason for the split. I think that the real reason should be given if at all possible. It's better to know the truth.

[urmysong]

Wait, what????

 

Unless I got too much sun today, you are WAAAY off base.

 

Short story (correct me if I'm wrong). - they started dating and she encouraged him to move 1000 miles in with her and when he got there she said GTFO.

 

OP - you really broke this guy. He loved you in a way that not many men love a girl. He would have moved heaven and earth for you. And you kicked him out.

 

The letter was meant as closure for him. From what it said you didn't seem to give a rats ass about his feelings. When he picked up his stuff you could care less the pain you caused.

 

To make someone move for you then kick them out and not show any feelings is heartless. You didn't deserve him. I'm a guy and this letter almost brought me to tears as I've known love like that.

 

Leave him alone, don't contact him, hope the next guy cares about you half as much as this one. I've been a scumbag to women in my past but I would never have done what you did to this poor guy.

 

 

I agree...just leave him alone for him not get hurt more....

[JuanDelToro]

1)Did I treat him poorly? 2)Did I have a right to? 3)Will he forgive me for that?

 

1) Yes!

2) You have every right to do as you like! No judgement.

3) No!

 

Most likely you have damaged him emotionally for years to come. Even when he gets over you, he'll have high walls raised and that will make it much harder for another woman to get close to him. He will hurt women in return. Such baggage we carry for a long long time and that's how "hurt" propagates. But that's how we learn and grow also.

 

Don't dwell on it. You are a human being after all and as one you have both the power to hurt and the power to love. Just learn from this lesson, forgive yourself and move forward...And of course let the man be.