girot Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 I know this guy for some years. At the beginning he was in a reletionship and we were just friends. I was single and I did my own buisness. One year ago it happened something and we slept together. After a week he broke up with his girlfriend and it started a fwb relationship between us. At one point I realised that i was feeling something more about him, so I told him. He told me that he likes me a lot and he spends great time with me but he didn't want anything serious. I accepted this. In fact I knew for sure that he was still sleeping sometimes with his ex girlfriend and also other people. I couldn't be angry for this with him, in fact i didn't. I tried only to explain that i wanted something more and if he didn't we had to end it. He said "I care about you, maybe things can change, I don't know, I don't know what i want." I said "I can understand you, but if you care about me and don't want anything, do it for me and let me go". Everytime we ended it, he always came back with beautiful words and I, stupid I know, fell into him again. In all this year I never dated someone else or did anyting with anyone. I refused everybody, respecting my feelings for him. I have always been faithful, even if he repeated to me that I had to do my stuff because that's what he was doing. I gave everything to him, I was kind and careful, i always tried to make clear that he was important to me, I stuck my neck out because i felt to be like that. I justified all of his behaviours, when he didn't answer texts, when he lied or avoid the problem, when he disappeared for long time and then came back as if nothing has happened, when he was with someone else. I was stucked in this and I forgot my dignity because I hoped everytime he came back, things could be different, but no, he didn't change his mind. And everytime he came back, I felt used only for sex and that hurted me a lot. So I said to him once for all "This is over. If you want me, tell me, If you don't, let me go." He didn't say anything at all so I convinced myself to stop it. One night I were at a party of common friends and there was him too. I was really drunk, at one point he came to me, I couldn't say no and we had sex. After that I was confused, I felt hurt again and i felt stupid and miserable for falling again. The same night, another guy approached me, I had sex with him too. I know I have done something awful, and I feel horrible about this. I didn't do it for revenge or something like that, maybe I did it because I thought that this would have helped me to get out of this situation. The effect was opposite, I felt guilty and like I cheated. I told him "I slept with someone else after you". He didn't say anything except at the beginning. The next day i contacted him and told him that i felt awful about what I did, I felt guilty because I love him and I realised this even more after that. That I lied to myself, I believed that I could turn page because he didn't want me, but no, I couldn't. I told him that i realised that i can't do my stuff if we don't end it once far all, even if I should because he always said that he don't want anything serious from me. I apologied to him. He treated me bad, he told me that i am a s**t and all the feelings that i confess to him in all this time were a lie. Now I feel that it's all my fault and I can't forgive me. I think that if there was one possibility, I ruined it with this single episode. I really don't know what to do. I feel really bad for what he says, he thinks that my love isn't real at this point, and I can't accept this because it's not the true. Does he have the right to believe that, after this episode, all my feelings are lies and treat me like this? Because I tend to justify him once again, and I can't understand if this is only my problem to solve with myself, or if I actually did something bad to him. I am not proud, to me, of what I did, of course, but if he always said to me he didn't want something more, what's the point of being so bad to me now?
BreakOnThrough Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 Quit being a doormat, that's all. You won't find yourself in a situation like this again if you treat yourself with more respect.
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 I am not proud, to me, of what I did, of course, but if he always said to me he didn't want something more, what's the point of being so bad to me now? Because he is a schmuck who totally played you and you kept falling back into his games. Delete his phone number and go 100% No Contact. Don't see him again and stop trying to have FWB relationships. Yours is the example of why those of us who have been around tell people they don't work. You developed feelings and those feelings weren't reciprocated and you got burned. 1
LostOnes05 Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 I'm gonna prescribe you 150mg of self-esteem 2x daily and 200mg of self-respect to be take with food in the evening. This should cure the symptoms you're having. Seriously though, if he wanted to be with you he would be. Everyone else would fall away and you wouldn't be on here. Reality is you are only hurting yourself and putting yourself in precarious situations. Why? To win the affection of someone who only cares for you in order to add variety to his sex life? What if you got pregnant by either of these guys? What then? The man has told you no relationship, but you keep letting him come back. That's YOUR choice. I don't think you love him, you are just attached to him because you keep him in your life and keep having sex with him. And then you apologize for doing to him what he has done all along, and allow him to berate you? C'mon. 1
turnera Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 The next day i contacted him and told him that i felt awful about what I did, I felt guilty because I love him and I realised this even more after that. That I lied to myself, I believed that I could turn page because he didn't want me, but no, I couldn't. I told him that i realised that i can't do my stuff if we don't end it once far all, even if I should because he always said that he don't want anything serious from me. I apologied to him. He treated me bad, he told me that i am a s**t and all the feelings that i confess to him in all this time were a lie. Wait, what? He told you from the start that he had no plans whatsoever to be exclusive with you or if he would even grow to like you, YOU chose to 'save yourself' for him even though he neither wanted you to or asked you to, YOU tried to guilt him into caring more but he wouldn't, then you two had casual sex and then you had casual sex with another guy, and you went and CONFESSED to him as though he was your boyfriend? And now you say he treated you bad and that you were lying the whole time about wanting only him? Did I get it all the right way? If so, here's my take. You stroked his ego (along with other things) so he figured, why give you up? Free sex! You were...whatever...enough to stick around even if you weren't getting what you ultimately wanted. When you weren't together any more, he just figured 'eh, so what?' and moved on. And then saw you at a party and he knew he could get some easy sex...and did so. He probably figured he'd never see you again. And then you went and approached him to 'confess' and he's now thinking, 'wow, this lady is off the reservation!' So he figured the only way to get rid of you for good was to just be mean. Is it working? 1
ChickiePops Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 Wait, what? He told you from the start that he had no plans whatsoever to be exclusive with you or if he would even grow to like you, YOU chose to 'save yourself' for him even though he neither wanted you to or asked you to, YOU tried to guilt him into caring more but he wouldn't, then you two had casual sex and then you had casual sex with another guy, and you went and CONFESSED to him as though he was your boyfriend? And now you say he treated you bad and that you were lying the whole time about wanting only him? Did I get it all the right way? If so, here's my take. You stroked his ego (along with other things) so he figured, why give you up? Free sex! You were...whatever...enough to stick around even if you weren't getting what you ultimately wanted. When you weren't together any more, he just figured 'eh, so what?' and moved on. And then saw you at a party and he knew he could get some easy sex...and did so. He probably figured he'd never see you again. And then you went and approached him to 'confess' and he's now thinking, 'wow, this lady is off the reservation!' So he figured the only way to get rid of you for good was to just be mean. Is it working? Where did she say that she tried to guilt him into being with her? Girot, you didn't cheat on him..you can't cheat on someone who's not your boyfriend. He was honest with you from the start that he didn't have feelings for you but you chose to stick around anyway. He was never required to answer texts or see you a certain number of times a week or do anything else that a boyfriend would do. It sounds like he made it pretty clear that this was a casual FWB situation. It's not his fault that you decided to behave like it was a relationship. He didn't do anything awful to you..if you wanted more than he was willing to give you could have walked away at any time. I'm sorry that you feel hurt but this one is on you. 1
Author girot Posted July 15, 2016 Author Posted July 15, 2016 Where did she say that she tried to guilt him into being with her? Girot, you didn't cheat on him..you can't cheat on someone who's not your boyfriend. He was honest with you from the start that he didn't have feelings for you but you chose to stick around anyway. He was never required to answer texts or see you a certain number of times a week or do anything else that a boyfriend would do. It sounds like he made it pretty clear that this was a casual FWB situation. It's not his fault that you decided to behave like it was a relationship. He didn't do anything awful to you..if you wanted more than he was willing to give you could have walked away at any time. I'm sorry that you feel hurt but this one is on you. Yes, I know, my responsability. I never blame him if he didn't want what I did, and it was my choice to stay, it's true. Everytime he came back I believed to his words "I don't know, things can change..", stupid me I know. I just don't understand now the point to be so mean to me, expecially when from the beginning (when we were just friends) he always said to me that he cares about me. He told me that I am a bad person, a liar and a s**t. I think I don't deserve it. And the thing that hurts me more is that with this single episode he canceled all the things I've done and said in all this time.
spiderowl Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 (edited) You don't need to ask him to let you go, you can go yourself. I know you love him but he has never offered you anything better and there is no reason to suppose he will. If you put up with his behaviour, he will not respect you. He might shout and swear about what you've done but you are free to do what you like - he is not your boyfriend so he has no claim over you. You are giving him lots of power with nothing in return. He will continue to use your love against you until you walk out. What is there to gain from this relationship other than more hurt and uncertainty? It would be better for you to cut him out of your life, heal from the break and then look forward to meeting someone who can offer you a proper relationship with the respect you deserve. Men tend to want sexual exclusivity even if they are not prepared to be exclusive themselves. It's ridiculous that he should make a fuss about you not being faithful to him when he isn't in a relationship with you anyway. He has total double standards and is a sh*t himself! You have practically told him you've done a bad thing and given him permission to be angry with you. Can you see how you are presenting yourself to him as someone unworthy? You are not in fact unworthy at all, but for some reason believe you are. You need to realise that you have false beliefs about yourself and that you are setting yourself up for abuse. It would be best if you saw a therapist because you need to understand why you are allowing this guy to treat you so badly. Edited July 16, 2016 by spiderowl 1
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 And the thing that hurts me more is that with this single episode he canceled all the things I've done and said in all this time. The only thing you've lost is the burden of standing by alone and lonely while he lives his life. Doesn't seem like much to give up ... Mr. Lucky 1
lbjanieb Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 I don't understand how he can make you feel bad about yourself as a person when the whole time he has been callous toward your feelings. Even if he was your friend he shouldn't have been so callous. If he truly cared about you and wanted to keep the friendship he would have stopped having sex with you (especially since he's getting it elsewhere) simply to protect your feelings and maintain the friendship. But he has acted selfishly the whole time. Now you have to pick yourself up and move on. You've developed feelings for him (I can't call it love, sorry, but it's more of a chemical connection especially since you've slept with him), but those feelings have pulled you into a scenario where you don't even respect yourself anymore. The sex with another guy was desperation on your part to get him to take notice...and it didn't work. What can you do to get yourself together so you like yourself again and will be attractive to a man who will be thrilled and proud to have you, because you would never let anyone treat you like dirt? Find friends and activities that build you up, not tear you down. 1
Springsummer Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 The book 'why men love bitches' is written for girls like you.
ChickiePops Posted July 17, 2016 Posted July 17, 2016 Yes, I know, my responsability. I never blame him if he didn't want what I did, and it was my choice to stay, it's true. Everytime he came back I believed to his words "I don't know, things can change..", stupid me I know. I just don't understand now the point to be so mean to me, expecially when from the beginning (when we were just friends) he always said to me that he cares about me. He told me that I am a bad person, a liar and a s**t. I think I don't deserve it. And the thing that hurts me more is that with this single episode he canceled all the things I've done and said in all this time. He was mean to you because that's how you taught him to treat you. Please just let go of this one. 1
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