poppypolish Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Hi there -- It has been two weeks since I was broken up with. I was with my significant other for two and a half months. Everything seemed to be going great! Well, here are a few problems I noted in the break up / relationship that has left me confused and unable to move on. 1) Break-up he came over to my apartment, which was an hour away from where he lived, to break up with me. He sat on my couch and told me we shouldn't hang out anymore. After he said this, I was completely shocked and started crying. My reaction, I guess, was normal because I was just broken up with. He then sat on my couch for two hours, crying. Crying. I asked him why he was crying. He never cried and claimed to have no emotions. he also claims to have diagnosed himself as schizoid. He asked me whether I knew how hard it was for him to know that he couldn't develop emotional relationships with anyone? How he didn't have any friends? Didn't I feel bad for him? I told him I had no sympathy for him because he'd just broken up with me. I don't understand how he could have broken up with me and then sat and cried for two hours. I feel as though he was highly conflicted. Also, as a side note - he never wanted us to be labeled as boyfriend and girlfriend. We were never friends on facebook. He preferred to refer to us as monotonous others. :/ 2) Emotional unavailability He was never really good with being verbally emotive. He was always very cuddly and loved being held and loved physical contact. He would come over to my place every single weekend, and often during the week, and want to have sex and cuddle all weekend long. It was as though we were removed from the world and lived in our own little bubble. However, when he was physically away, it was as though I had no significant other. I told him that I always felt like I didn't exist unless I was fulfilling one of his needs. 3) Had no friends / close others / despised his family He had absolutely no friends and preferred to spend time alone. He said that no one, except maybe an ex that he dated for 2.5 years, knew who he was. He said he wore masks in every single environment he was in. he said not even his family knew him. He recently visited his family in Seattle and while there, he drove 40 minutes to a fast food restaurant to 'escape' his family (his words) and call me. I felt like I was just an escape and felt used. I was also concerned he would never want to have a family. 4) Some abuse a. the car When he was with me, he wanted me to pay 100% attention to him. As a side note, he also liked driving very fast. I always told him I was scared when he drove fast. One day, he was upset because he thought I wasn't paying attention to a story he was telling me while we were sitting in his car. He turned his car on, asked me if I was ready, and then hit the gas and sped off. I was really scared and thought this was his form of punishing me for not being as attentive to him as he would have wanted. he apologized afterwards and said he often got worse when he felt upset or needed his space. b. the belt we often had sex where he would playfully choke me (my request) or hold my wrists or ask me to ask permission before I orgasmed. There was one time where he restrained me with a belt, per my request. He then moved me towards the end of the bed and had my head hang off of the bed, wrapped the belt around my neck and then wrapped the belt around my wrists. The grip was too tight and I started panicking and crying. I disassociated for a little bit and that's when he realized I wasn't having a good time. He stopped and apologized, but I still felt extremely violated. I didn't even feel human anymore. I felt like he was punishing me. He asked me if I wanted him to hold me but all I felt was rage. I went to sleep and he left me alone. c. calling me overweight he would always talk badly about people who were overweight and how lazy they were. I, as a result, would often feel extremely unattractive. I asked him, one day, if he knew that he was hurting my feelings because he knew I was overweight. He said of course he knew I was overweight. And that was the end of the conversation. I can clearly see how bad this relationship was, but I can't seem to shake him. I want him to text me, I want him to call me. I've gone on a few dates just to feel desirable again, but I find myself comparing everyone to him. I miss him so much. Is there anything I can do to clear the cognitive dissonance more quickly? Am I right in considering some of his treatment of me abusive?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 OP, you are much better off without this person in your life. Yes, there are many red flags throughout your description of him. One thing that jumped out at me as I was reading - you basically know nothing about him. Is that correct? You have never met anyone that knows him? Did you ever spend time at his house? I get that at just 2.5 months it would be a little early to meet friends and family. But something about this reads as though he was hiding something or someone from you.
Author poppypolish Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Thanks for your reply, Expat! I spent a lot of time at his place (over the weekends and sometimes during the week). You're right, he didn't really let me know much about him. He was in the air force. He liked listening to either very poppy music or very angry music. He liked running. He often went on trips to see family. He sometimes blacked out when he drank. He tried committing suicide when he was a kid. He went to therapists since he was a child. He had weird eating habits (had to weigh everything). My description of him doesn't include my own description, as I'm sure I contributed to the break up as well. I'm a phd candidate, 28, female, Latina. I work out but am a bit overweight. He also said perhaps I deserved someone who was happier or more positive because he was always picking on other people or criticizing them. He would also often gawk at other women while around me, which definitely made me feel invisible.
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