CammyCam23 Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 The story starts about a month and a half ago. I was a then senior in college ready to graduate. Me and my then GF had been together for 4 years. Ups and downs like every relationship but when it was good, it was really good. At our core we're really good friends. Total wife material. Anyway, being that I had been in this relationship throughout college, I felt that I had missed the "college experience" in that I didn't get the chance to hook up with other girls, go crazy at parties etc. This really came to a head when after a poker game with some friends they decided to go to a bar to pick up some girls. Having a girlfriend, and being loyal I decided to skip out on that. Fast forward to a week or so after graduation. I'm in total crisis mode as I'm looking for a job, applying to grad school etc and feeling overwhelmed. I still feel the urge to go out and 'explore' and ultimately told my GF this. We talked about it for maybe 2 or 3 days when we decided that maybe it was for the best. For a few days it was quite a relief. I was on Tinder, talking to women who were interested in me! I had even set up a date. All the while, me and my gf remained unusually close and I even shared some of my tinder conversations with her. Some seemed to annoy her, but she was supportive. Surprisingly, during our first week broken up we got extremely close to one another again. It was as if we were rediscovering one another. I had found Tinder dating to be somewhat shallow, and was ready to commit to her. However, she told me that she didn't trust what I was feeling, and rejected this. That was fair, but a few days later it was her that offered to reconcile, which I rejected because I had just been rejected a few days earlier. At this point the relationship was in limbo, but we were still friends and talking. Fast forward to this past Friday. I went out to a bar with my friends, where I meet up with a girl that I worked with. Shes cute and all, and she offers to go out to get something to eat, and hang out afterwards. Cool. We get dinner, then drive out to the mountains to stare at the stars. We then go to a park, play with the ducks, complain about life etc etc. Really it was all in good fun, nothing even close to being sexual, and at the end I just wanted my GF back. She also went out with her friends. Apparently, a guy started dancing with her with she enjoyed, and gave her number to. According to her story this happened twice. She says that she really enjoyed being appreciated and liked. She felt "Cool" and all of that Jazz. When I asked to reconcile on Friday night, she rejected me and was pretty stern about it. She says she doesn't know what she feels, talks about feeling "numb", and talks about her possibly wanting to explore. She says she needs space, and that its possible that in a week she'll feel different, but she doesn't know. We went to talk to our counselor yesterday who really didn't help us, except to say that maybe we should date each other over again. While I'm ok with that, the thought of her dancing with someone else (them having their hands over her) and possibly having sex during our "break" is too much for me to handle. She says she isn't looking for sex with anybody but I don't really believe her (perhaps my own insecurities here) and if she did I couldn't take her back. So my question is, what is the right thing to do here? Should I put together a romantic dinner, take her to the most expensive restaurant in town and try to woo her back, or should I give her space and see how it plays out? I know that this entire ordeal is 100% my fault, and I probably deserve this, but losing her is gut wrenching.
Conviction Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Do not try and "woo" her back. If anything, go NC. How was the relationship when you guys were together? I'm not sure why you'd want to be with a girl, who literally told you she wants to play the field rather than be with you. I understand it, because I made the same mistake, but looking back it was one of the dumbest things I've ever done.
Author CammyCam23 Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 Do not try and "woo" her back. If anything, go NC. How was the relationship when you guys were together? I'm not sure why you'd want to be with a girl, who literally told you she wants to play the field. I understand it, because I made the same mistake, but looking back it was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. The relationship was fine. The last few months were kind of rough because we were so busy with school and work, but generally speaking its good. We built a really good foundation of friendship if nothing else. Knowing her, she is very awkward about sex and dating. I don't think she wants to go screw every guy she meets, but I know she wants to dance at clubs because thats something shes always enjoyed, but I didn't let her do while together. I also can't go NC because we freaking live together and that situation isn't likely to change in the near future.
Conviction Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 but I know she wants to dance at clubs because thats something shes always enjoyed, but I didn't let her do while together. This is probably going to become an issue somewhere down the line. Why not find you a girl who shares your dislike for clubs and dancing? Look man, the girl told you she needs her "space" (in other words, she wants to go to clubs and dance with other dudes). All your going to do by "wooing" her is you're going to be her backup plan. It's really simple: if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you, right?
Author CammyCam23 Posted June 6, 2016 Author Posted June 6, 2016 This is probably going to become an issue somewhere down the line. Why not find you a girl who shares your dislike for clubs and dancing? Look man, the girl told you she needs her "space" (in other words, she wants to go to clubs and dance with other dudes). All your going to do by "wooing" her is you're going to be her backup plan. It's really simple: if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you, right? True, and you're probably right. Its crazy to think how Friday evening everything was ok. She wanted to go to the bar with me and my friends to hang out, possibly reconcile. Its difficult to believe that one dumb decision on my part will change my life forever, you know?
Conviction Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 True, and you're probably right. Its crazy to think how Friday evening everything was ok. She wanted to go to the bar with me and my friends to hang out, possibly reconcile. Its difficult to believe that one dumb decision on my part will change my life forever, you know? Yeah, the flip floppy agenda on her end is pretty indicative that she is just trying to keep you interested enough to not move on, but at the same time she wants to explore her options. Selfish on her part. She can't have her cake and eat it too. I don't think you should beat yourself up too bad man, from the sounds of it she isn't treating you with much respect at the moment, you can do better.
Mrin Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 Ok let me get this straight.... 1. You get a big time case of senior-itis 2. You tell your long time GF about it. You sort of "back in" breaking up with her to essentially go out and be wild. 3. You then change your mind. She says no because she can't trust you. 4. She then decided to try to get back together which you reject outright (second time you've rejected her and remember you started this) because you're butt hurt about her saying no earlier. 5. Then you decide you want to get back together again. Which she says no to but gives a who knows in a week type answer.... All along your are showing her conversations of your Tinder conquests?!?! Are you freaking serious dude? To recap - you have your senior-itis life crisis. You push her away. Then you rub her face in it with Tinder convos. Then you reject her again when she tries to reconcile. Look, you have to face facts here that you were the one who started this ball rolling. You're going to have to be the one to stop it. My suggestion: go LC or NC for a week or two and see what happens. If anything, you just need to put more distance between your rejections so that she actually trusts your words and your feelings again. And for God's sake, don't talk about what either one of you re doing on this break. What happens on a break stays on a break. It just works better that way. Best of luck! Mrin
clia Posted June 6, 2016 Posted June 6, 2016 All you can do at this point is give her space and see if she decides to come back to you. However, you've shattered the foundation of your relationship and there may not be any way to come back from that. She has now also seen what life is like without you and without you "not letting her" () go dancing, so she is enjoying her freedom. 1
Author CammyCam23 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Posted June 24, 2016 The last month has taken a toll on our physical and emotional well being, as well as nearly destroying the relationship. I'll spare the detail because quite frankly I'm tired of rehashing it, but we've essentially reconciled and are technically back together. We've been working on our communication issues the past few weeks and they have improved (which was the basis for the entire ordeal in the first place). we are seeing a counselor who brought up the idea of the month 'break' in the first place. We both agree that a little space and time apart will be good to heal and miss each other. We currently live together, but she wants to move out because she has never lived on her own. I don't really want any of this to happen, but I do think space will do us both good. We've agreed not to see other people during this time, and solely focus on ourselves. The lease is up in 6 days so I'll really be free to do whatever I please during this month, which is kind of the point. She wants to stay in contact and hang out during the month but I'm leaning towards just going NC and letting her get the chance to miss me and vice versa. We have both committed to doing this and want to get back together and actually date each other again (like, go on dates, which we never did). What should be the next step forward? 1
Giggles666 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Next step, go NC and move on. Only thing you can do. You either find you miss each other and do work on things or you begin to move on and don't get hurt with the "dance" that is being perpetuated. Basically plan for the worst. It's two birds with one stone. If you're moving backwards it's probably not going to end well. I think you're logical with thinking NC I think she is basically saying "I want something else but will go along for the ride and have my cake and eat it too.". 1
bummer Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 I can almost see the wheels in motion already on this one. You two stay in contact during the "break" and you'll end up getting hurt worse. you give her just enough attention to run back for another 6 months of torture. Or you try NC, she veers off, you shift also, and you drive right past each other into separate sunsets. Either way, wheels are in motion. Good luck planning your dates.
RecentChange Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Just curious - I see a number of threads posted on LS about "taking a break". Do these breaks ever really work? Do people really split up for X amount of time, then reunite to live happily ever after? To me it seems that you can work things out together, as a couple - or you can't. I can't imagine feeling strongly about someone, yet being willing to walk away at the same time. I do not know how the two emotions co-exist. We have had our major ups and downs in my relationship (at the 9 year mark - before that pretty much bliss) - but we have never disagreed so much that we couldn't make up, hold each other and sleep together in the same bed at night. I can't imagine packing up to leave for X amount of time. If I walk out that door - I am gone.
LD1990 Posted June 24, 2016 Posted June 24, 2016 Do these breaks ever really work? Do people really split up for X amount of time, then reunite to live happily ever after? Probably not. I don't think I've ever seen a successful break. I've seen plenty of unsuccessful breaks, where the break turned into a breakup, or the couple got back together only to later break up because their issues weren't resolved. I agree that you either work things out as a couple or you go your separate ways. Breaks are hardly ever mutual decisions. It's more like, one person wants to break up, the other doesn't. The dumper offers a break to let the dumpee down easy, or to keep them around as a backup plan, and the dumpee snatches up that break and holds on for dear life, hoping the relationship isn't really over.
Author CammyCam23 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Me and my ex broke up about 2 weeks ago. We were still friendly and intimate, but she told me she needed more time to heal before she jumped back into the relationship. I originally broke up with her, regret it, tried to get back together, she refused, eventually did but broke up again as she wasnt over the original break up. So it's been 3 days since I last contacted her. The first day was awful, as these things are. Yesterday I got out, made some friends and set up like 3 Tinder dates for this weekend. I'm working out, eating healthy and have a lot of energy. I understand why I broke up with her in the first place. She says she wants to get back after this time period, but I'm feeling blissful right now. Does this last? Am I over her? I miss her, but I don't miss her to the point that I'm neglecting my social life. Furthermore this back and forth lasted like a month. I already thought I had lost her a month ago. Maybe I already went through the grieving process?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Me and my ex broke up about 2 weeks ago. We were still friendly and intimate, but she told me she needed more time to heal before she jumped back into the relationship. I originally broke up with her, regret it, tried to get back together, she refused, eventually did but broke up again as she wasnt over the original break up. So it's been 3 days since I last contacted her. The first day was awful, as these things are. Yesterday I got out, made some friends and set up like 3 Tinder dates for this weekend. I'm working out, eating healthy and have a lot of energy. I understand why I broke up with her in the first place. She says she wants to get back after this time period, but I'm feeling blissful right now. Does this last? Am I over her? I miss her, but I don't miss her to the point that I'm neglecting my social life. Furthermore this back and forth lasted like a month. I already thought I had lost her a month ago. Maybe I already went through the grieving process? I think the answer to your question depends on whether or not you believe her when she told you she wants to get back together eventually. I have a feeling if you believed she was well and truly done and moving on, you would be finding this a lot harder. But I would wager you're already feeling pretty good not because you've grieved yet, but because you haven't. Somewhere inside you, you believe this break-up isn't permanent so it hasn't hit you yet in its full effect. That's just my take on it, anyway.
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