Charmed22 Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 This is the first guy I have dated since my first relationship ended a year ago. I met this guy online. We started off as friends. I have met with him a few times but nothing serious ever came between us. One night we went out it got physical so it became a friends with benefits relationship that eventually led to us dating which ended last night. This guy treats me good. He honestly treats me way better than my ex did. The friends that he met approved of him, my dad likes him etc. Everything seemed to align perfectly. However he is far from perfect. He has a criminal past he is trying to move forward from which is mostly drug related. He is currently working through the court to get a misdemener marijuana possession charge wiped off his record. He got into an accident last year he has lasting injuries from (shoulder and back) and he just got insurance to take care of. He has Bipolar depression which at the moment is currently not being treated so I have seen him go through the mood swings. He has a job but is limited on what he can do because of his injuries. He doesn't have a car and had to move back home due to a relationship he was in that ended a few months ago. He also does not have much friends or support system besides me and his family. In a nutshell this dude has made some mistakes in life he is currently trying to correct but he is still in the process of doing so. He generally seems like he wants to do better but right now everything is biting him in the butt which is bringing him down and discouraging him which is why I think the mood swings are coming more frequently. My situation is that I feel for him. I am stressing right now over him and they aren't even my problems. I feel like a lot of pressure is being put on me to be a support for him which I have no problem doing but It seems like there is always something. I am worrying more about this guy I haven't even known 6 months than I did about my ex of 5 years. I really like the guy and I know he is a good person but I feel like right now he has far too much on his plate to be dating me which he agreed to. Last night when we talked we decided to go back to being friends and I promised him I will not leave his support. I can't help but feel a little down about all of this though. Any advice on how to proceed forward with this guy?
BaileyB Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 I think you are right to back down... This is not someone that I would want to date. There is high risk here, given his past and his issues with mental health. The last paragraph is what scares me... Reread it and notice how stressed and anxious you sound with what you wrote. It is not your job to worry about him or deal with his problems. Don't enter a relationship thinking you can"save him" or change him in any way... Lots of risk with this one to your personal well being. Take care with this.
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 He is currently working through the court No thank you. Currently working through the court, currently getting his life back on track, currently............. Not a good time to enter a relationship with this person. 3
Zahara Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 - He has a criminal past he is trying to move forward from which is mostly drug related. - He is currently working through the court to get a misdemener marijuana possession charge wiped off his record. - He got into an accident last year he has lasting injuries from (shoulder and back) and he just got insurance to take care of. - He has Bipolar depression which at the moment is currently not being treated so I have seen him go through the mood swings. - He has a job but is limited on what he can do because of his injuries. - He doesn't have a car and had to move back home due to a relationship he was in that ended a few months ago. - He also does not have much friends or support system besides me and his family. Too exhausting with only a few months of investment. If you're already feeling the pressure now, I can't imagine how you'd be feeling in the long run when you become his only support emotionally, mentally and financially. You can stay friends with him but boundaries -- he needs to learn how to manage his life on his own and don't cross the line into becoming an enabler. I am worrying more about this guy I haven't even known 6 months than I did about my ex of 5 years. Maybe you're co-dependent. 2
Satu Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Leave him to the professionals; only they can help him. He's definitely not boyfriend material, especially if you're locked into worrying about him. As Zahara said. "Maybe you're co-dependent." 2
Maggie888 Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 First stop calling him '"his guy" over and over lol Second, you did the right thing!! HE is not in a good place for a relationship. Once he gets a job, a car, his criminal cases taken care of, is living on his own, and is on medication and therapy for his bipolar, then he is a person you might consider dating. Until then be "friends" but keep strong boundaries. Dont be his emotional crutch. Dont continue to date in effect tho you arent calling it that. Put some much needed distance and space between you two so you arent assuming his troubles and getting all stressed out.
MidwestUSA Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 For the record, BPD usually refers to borderline personality disorder, and bipolar is called, well, bipolar. Neither here nor there, you should be lacing up your running shoes. Best of luck. 4
MissBee Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 No thank you. Currently working through the court, currently getting his life back on track, currently............. Not a good time to enter a relationship with this person. Ditto. He needs to do a lot more work on himself before he is able to be in a mutual relationship. No one is perfect, that is a given, so anytime people say that it's almost always as justification for them to overlook some huge problems. Perfection isn't necessary or realistic, but that doesn't mean you can't have reasonable standards, requirements and dealbreakers. He doesn't sound like he can be a good boyfriend for you or anyone at the moment and I'd personally support him (within reason) as a friend but not take on his burdens or try to make a relationship work. 1
Author Charmed22 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Leave him to the professionals; only they can help him. He's definitely not boyfriend material, especially if you're locked into worrying about him. As Zahara said. "Maybe you're co-dependent." Maybe you both are right. I tend to take on burdens of people that I care about which has always been a problem with me. I can't seem to find that middle ground between not caring about an issue someone faces to facing that issue myself instead of them. Something I'm trying to recognize and work on in .
Author Charmed22 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 For the record, BPD usually refers to borderline personality disorder, and bipolar is called, well, bipolar. Neither here nor there, you should be lacing up your running shoes. Best of luck. Sorry Im not sure what all the internet forum acronyms stand for 1
MidwestUSA Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Sorry Im not sure what all the internet forum acronyms stand for It's okay. You have to next this guy either way!
HowardAmore Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 I dated a woman with BPD a few years ago, and my advice is STAY AWAY from this guy. BPD people can be very good, and VERY bad. They'll convince you to stay because of their good qualities but trust me, the bad part of the relationship will be very very bad. In the end, even the good times won't be worth the bad times. 1
Larryville Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 I’m just gonna voice a side note. This is what frustrates many guys (many have posted threads here). A guy can be nice, thoughtful, educated, pretty good looking, financially and emotionally stable, honorable, career oriented… they can be everything a woman could want but yet some women will devote their time, emotional and mental energy suffer and anguish over someone who absolutely does not deserve it… This is not someone that I would want to date. There is high risk here, given his past and his issues with mental health. The last paragraph is what scares me... Reread it and notice how stressed and anxious you sound with what you wrote. Hence my signature… "If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be chasing people who don’t (OR CAN’T) love you, either." Find the courage and strength (get professional help if you have to) to walk away. Life is just too damn short. 3
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 This is the first guy I have dated since my first relationship ended a year ago. I met this guy online. We started off as friends. I have met with him a few times but nothing serious ever came between us. One night we went out it got physical so it became a friends with benefits relationship that eventually led to us dating which ended last night. This guy treats me good. He honestly treats me way better than my ex did. The friends that he met approved of him, my dad likes him etc. Everything seemed to align perfectly. However he is far from perfect. He has a criminal past he is trying to move forward from which is mostly drug related. He is currently working through the court to get a misdemener marijuana possession charge wiped off his record. He got into an accident last year he has lasting injuries from (shoulder and back) and he just got insurance to take care of. He has Bipolar depression which at the moment is currently not being treated so I have seen him go through the mood swings. He has a job but is limited on what he can do because of his injuries. He doesn't have a car and had to move back home due to a relationship he was in that ended a few months ago. He also does not have much friends or support system besides me and his family. In a nutshell this dude has made some mistakes in life he is currently trying to correct but he is still in the process of doing so. He generally seems like he wants to do better but right now everything is biting him in the butt which is bringing him down and discouraging him which is why I think the mood swings are coming more frequently. My situation is that I feel for him. I am stressing right now over him and they aren't even my problems. I feel like a lot of pressure is being put on me to be a support for him which I have no problem doing but It seems like there is always something. I am worrying more about this guy I haven't even known 6 months than I did about my ex of 5 years. I really like the guy and I know he is a good person but I feel like right now he has far too much on his plate to be dating me which he agreed to. Last night when we talked we decided to go back to being friends and I promised him I will not leave his support. I can't help but feel a little down about all of this though. Any advice on how to proceed forward with this guy? This guy is a project. You want a man who is already put together . . . or one that is not Frankenstein's creation . . . Yeah, he got it to walk around, but it wasn't pretty 1
katiegrl Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 (edited) One night we went out it got physical so it became a friends with benefits relationship that eventually led to us dating which ended last night. I feel like a lot of pressure is being put on me to be a support for him which I have no problem doing but It seems like there is always something. On one hand you said your relationship has ended. Then on the other you said you feel pressure to be a support for him. Why do you feel pressure to be a support for him when the RL has ended? What am I missing? Edited July 13, 2016 by katiegrl 1
JewelD Posted July 14, 2016 Posted July 14, 2016 Move on from this guy. You can't fix people and trying to be their security blanket is going to wear you out. Not to mention, people in 'transition' periods in their lives tend to use people as crutches. Once they get better, they ditch the crutches. You will be really ticked off at yourself if you let him tear you down and give him all of your time and energy only to be dumped later on down the road when he feels like he doesn't need you anymore. 1
longjohn Posted July 14, 2016 Posted July 14, 2016 OP your best bet is to find a guy that's self sufficient and independent, you know has a job, car, place to live and hasn't gotten a petty criminal record or a criminal record at all or any mental issues that are going untreated. Hate to say it but the guy isn't at all near ready for prime time as a bf. You don't need to be worried and stressed over this guy. He's probability going to drain you dry spit you out and find another one. I do have to ask, are you trying to fix this guy? Hoping he'll turn his life around jump up and run off to college get a degree, high paying job buy a house and live happily ever after? I see guys now and then like this with nice gf's, the scumbag bf's I call them. They don't tend to have a job (for long), no car, live at home, tend to be near unemployable yet whine they can't get a job however have a record for stupid crimes the length of your arm. Hate to sound like an arse but these types don't need gf's few can be helped and even then it's professional help. We the tax payer end up covering the costs of their consistent failure.
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