A Whole Mess Of Issues... ?

[AGirlCalledFriday]

Well, as the title says, lots of issues. A couple years ago, this guy messaged me on OLD. We went out twice but I ultimately decided not to continue. A year later he messages me again, we go out again, I decide not to continue. A few months later he messages me and asks if I would like to be just friends, since he really enjoyed spending time with me. I agree, we start spending time with each other, and I realize he's great and ask him if he wants to date.

 

Now, the reason he was suddenly ok with being friends is because he found out that he might receive a promotion that would necessitate a move several states away. When we started dating, he was really hesitant because although he liked me a lot, he worried about how far our relationship could go if he moved away. Still, that was potentially months away and might never even happen, so he decided to date me anyway.

 

As we started dating we realized we had a very strong connection. Both of us have been single for awhile as we find it difficult to find people we are attracted to and respect. We are extremely similar in a lot of ways, and it feels like it's more than just dating. However, we have a massive issue, and it's regarding sex. We've barely been able to have sex. He has ED issues, and is always hesitant about doing anything sexual. I would think he's not attracted to me, but he most certainly is. At first I thought that he was embarrassed about his size - he is smaller than average - but that doesn't bother me so long as we can find a position that works for both of us...which doesn't happen because of the ED. He also doesn't really do anything to satisfy me, which I really, really don't understand. If I had issues with sex you'd better believe I'd swiftly become the world's best bj giver. I've tried talking to him about this - he will talk but he hates it and it feels like he always wants to avoid the topic. He says he didn't have this issue before, that he is definitely attracted to me but he has gained weight and doesn't feel very sexual because of it. I gave it a couple months because the relationship was so great, but eventually I told him that we either had to break up or open up the relationship, because I was going crazy not being able to have sex or be satisfied. He didn't want to break up, so he agreed to it. For what it's worth, I take advantage of that extremely rarely because it's uncomfortable for me. I am not really attracted to anyone else, it's more so that I don't put pressure on him or guilt him...or go insane...

 

Well, after some months he received more details on the promotion and it seemed like a really good choice, so with my complete support he accepted and moved this past week. I went with him and am helping him get things set up, and am leaving on Sunday. We had talked about needing to figure things out with our non-existent sex life because if we reach no conclusion, we need to just cut ties. I've been with him almost nonstop for about two weeks and the only time he made any move was when we had to leave soon and couldn't follow through anyway. Last night, it seemed like he really wanted to have sex and he started to touch me, but then it was like he hesitated and said we should get dinner, and then of course we ate and he started falling asleep and again it came down to nothing. I told him to go to bed if he was just going to sleep on the couch, and he was fighting me on it and asking why I was trying to get rid of him, and finally I just told him that I needed to get myself off. I wasn't able to sleep much the night before and I just needed some kind of relief. He got really upset, and I was really upset about the fact that he doesn't even try to satisfy me at all, and he was just like...I don't know why I don't do that.

 

All I got out of our long conversation after was that I'm the best girl he has ever dated, I'm really really special to him, but he isn't sure where this relationship is going and hasn't been this whole time, which makes him hesitate on sexual activity. For him, sexual activity means that being potentially ok with accidental pregnancy and while he says he could easily commit to me now, he isn't sure if he can keep that commitment - he is terrible at communicating over the phone or text, and worries that if he tries a long distance relationship it will end up fizzling out. I'm not concerned about other women - he isn't the sort of man to date that much, and is more interested in emotional investment than sexual, obviously. Aside from that, we've only been dating 5 months...and it seems a little soon to talk about me moving here to be with him (which is possible, and we are in our early 30s so maybe it's not too fast, but definitely a huuuge step to be taking). I would be more open to the idea of my moving in with him, but with our sexual issues??? I could be understanding of ED, but the fact that he doesn't try to satisfy me? Everything works here. I do not understand and even asking several times I didn't get a clear answer. I know that the issue cannot be me. I know that this is TMI but this is one area that I am consistently receiving many compliments on, for years. So if it's not me...what can this be???

 

Neither of us want to break up. He's extremely upset about it, which is confusing me because he KNOWS that lack of sexual intimacy is a dealbreaker for me and we have talked about trying to figure this out several times. There are no surprises here and he's making an active choice to not be intimate with me. I thought perhaps he just isn't interested in sex or maybe he is trying to sabotage this relationship...maybe he doesn't really want to date me anymore...but he is very adamant that this isn't the case and he's just messed up. My self-esteem is suffering, I'm constantly sexually frustrated, and I'm depressed because I can't understand why he wouldn't want to touch me. To make things worse, I am very curvy and have always had a lot of attention from guys, so I'm dating someone who doesn't touch me, and I also get hit on all the time.

 

I guess I know what the advice is - break up. It just took me 8 years to find someone like this...this is the first time I have felt, after years and years of dating both in America and overseas, that I could actually BE with someone. I know I'm in love with this guy, and it kills me that what is otherwise a pretty amazing relationship might have to end. I guess I'm grasping at straws here.

 

Oh - he did go to the doctor for his ED, and the doctor prescribed Viagra which was like 500 bucks. I suggested he get it online but what with the moving it hasn't happened yet.

Edited July 13, 2016 by AGirlCalledFriday

[Redhead14]

Well, as the title says, lots of issues. A couple years ago, this guy messaged me on OLD. We went out twice but I ultimately decided not to continue. A year later he messages me again, we go out again, I decide not to continue. A few months later he messages me and asks if I would like to be just friends, since he really enjoyed spending time with me. I agree, we start spending time with each other, and I realize he's great and ask him if he wants to date.

 

Now, the reason he was suddenly ok with being friends is because he found out that he might receive a promotion that would necessitate a move several states away. When we started dating, he was really hesitant because although he liked me a lot, he worried about how far our relationship could go if he moved away. Still, that was potentially months away and might never even happen, so he decided to date me anyway.

 

As we started dating we realized we had a very strong connection. Both of us have been single for awhile as we find it difficult to find people we are attracted to and respect. We are extremely similar in a lot of ways, and it feels like it's more than just dating. However, we have a massive issue, and it's regarding sex. We've barely been able to have sex. He has ED issues, and is always hesitant about doing anything sexual. I would think he's not attracted to me, but he most certainly is. At first I thought that he was embarrassed about his size - he is smaller than average - but that doesn't bother me so long as we can find a position that works for both of us...which doesn't happen because of the ED. He also doesn't really do anything to satisfy me, which I really, really don't understand. If I had issues with sex you'd better believe I'd swiftly become the world's best bj giver. I've tried talking to him about this - he will talk but he hates it and it feels like he always wants to avoid the topic. He says he didn't have this issue before, that he is definitely attracted to me but he has gained weight and doesn't feel very sexual because of it. I gave it a couple months because the relationship was so great, but eventually I told him that we either had to break up or open up the relationship, because I was going crazy not being able to have sex or be satisfied. He didn't want to break up, so he agreed to it. For what it's worth, I take advantage of that extremely rarely because it's uncomfortable for me. I am not really attracted to anyone else, it's more so that I don't put pressure on him or guilt him...or go insane...

 

Well, after some months he received more details on the promotion and it seemed like a really good choice, so with my complete support he accepted and moved this past week. I went with him and am helping him get things set up, and am leaving on Sunday. We had talked about needing to figure things out with our non-existent sex life because if we reach no conclusion, we need to just cut ties. I've been with him almost nonstop for about two weeks and the only time he made any move was when we had to leave soon and couldn't follow through anyway. Last night, it seemed like he really wanted to have sex and he started to touch me, but then it was like he hesitated and said we should get dinner, and then of course we ate and he started falling asleep and again it came down to nothing. I told him to go to bed if he was just going to sleep on the couch, and he was fighting me on it and asking why I was trying to get rid of him, and finally I just told him that I needed to get myself off. I wasn't able to sleep much the night before and I just needed some kind of relief. He got really upset, and I was really upset about the fact that he doesn't even try to satisfy me at all, and he was just like...I don't know why I don't do that.

 

All I got out of our long conversation after was that I'm the best girl he has ever dated, I'm really really special to him, but he isn't sure where this relationship is going and hasn't been this whole time, which makes him hesitate on sexual activity. For him, sexual activity means that being potentially ok with accidental pregnancy and while he says he could easily commit to me now, he isn't sure if he can keep that commitment - he is terrible at communicating over the phone or text, and worries that if he tries a long distance relationship it will end up fizzling out. I'm not concerned about other women - he isn't the sort of man to date that much, and is more interested in emotional investment than sexual, obviously. Aside from that, we've only been dating 5 months...and it seems a little soon to talk about me moving here to be with him (which is possible, and we are in our early 30s so maybe it's not too fast, but definitely a huuuge step to be taking). I would be more open to the idea of my moving in with him, but with our sexual issues??? I could be understanding of ED, but the fact that he doesn't try to satisfy me? Everything works here. I do not understand and even asking several times I didn't get a clear answer. I know that the issue cannot be me. I know that this is TMI but this is one area that I am consistently receiving many compliments on, for years. So if it's not me...what can this be???

 

Neither of us want to break up. He's extremely upset about it, which is confusing me because he KNOWS that lack of sexual intimacy is a dealbreaker for me and we have talked about trying to figure this out several times. There are no surprises here and he's making an active choice to not be intimate with me. I thought perhaps he just isn't interested in sex or maybe he is trying to sabotage this relationship...maybe he doesn't really want to date me anymore...but he is very adamant that this isn't the case and he's just messed up. My self-esteem is suffering, I'm constantly sexually frustrated, and I'm depressed because I can't understand why he wouldn't want to touch me. To make things worse, I am very curvy and have always had a lot of attention from guys, so I'm dating someone who doesn't touch me, and I also get hit on all the time.

 

I guess I know what the advice is - break up. It just took me 8 years to find someone like this...this is the first time I have felt, after years and years of dating both in America and overseas, that I could actually BE with someone. I know I'm in love with this guy, and it kills me that what is otherwise a pretty amazing relationship might have to end. I guess I'm grasping at straws here.

 

Oh - he did go to the doctor for his ED, and the doctor prescribed Viagra which was like 500 bucks. I suggested he get it online but what with the moving it hasn't happened yet.

 

Listen, sometimes men who are struggling with ED end up trying to avoid it because it's frustrating for them. They may enjoy pleasuring you and get excited but can't get what they need out of it. Some men can pleasure a woman in other ways even though they don't get what they need/want out of it, but I'm sure it's still frustrating to them. Who wants to get all worked up with no "outcome". That sucks. My point is, that while he's pleasuring you, he's getting horny and won't be able to get his release. It doesn't do much for their self-esteem either. They feel like they've lost their manhood. Who wants to get all worked up with no "outcome". That sucks. It's kinda like someone who is completely paralyzed and can't talk either . . . they have all the feelings and thoughts of a person who is mobile, but they can't do anything about it.

 

On top of all this, the more they think about it, dwell on it, they put pressure on themselves the worse it gets.

 

When the situation gets embroiled and elevated, it just makes things deteriorate. Stepping back and letting the situation calm down sometimes helps. Doing things to build more intimacy on an emotional level for a while and taking the pressure off can help. The man did go to the doctor and is making an effort. He's got a script for Viagra and simply hasn't had the opportunity to get it an use it. Give him time to get it and then see what happens.

 

By the way, some men can have an orgasm without an erection, but both parties must be open-minded . . .

 

If he's a drinker, alcohol is often a cause. If that's the case, the way to test it would be for him to not drink for a couple of days and see what happens.

 

If he's had a physical and discussed it with his doctor and there is no physical cause, it's a psychological issue.

 

The woman has to be very strong in this situation and not start to take it personally, that only adds guilt to the situation.

 

Who wants to get all worked up with no "outcome". That sucks.

 

KNOWS that lack of sexual intimacy is a dealbreaker for me -- No matter how much he loves you, he can't make something happen if it can't. If this is truly a dealbreaker, you have to stick to that and move on. I don't know how old you are, but if you are a little "up there", you will likely be in the position again. Older men simply start having trouble with ED. Plain and simple. Unless there is a deep level of emotional intimacy to at least counter-balance the situation, the woman will be frustrated.

Edited July 13, 2016 by Redhead14

[JewelD]

Girl, move on. His ED is no excuse for not at least trying to satisfy you in other ways.

 

You're the best thing that's ever happened to him but he's worried about accidental pregnancy and can't keep a commitment to a LDR? Sounds like even if he didn't have ED, he'd still be making excuses.

 

There are people who wonderful sexless relationships, but that's not what you want. You want sex! So even if this guy is great in other areas, he's still not giving you what you everything you need.

 

The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be the hot and heavy "I can't keep my hands off you" phase and you're not getting any of that. You might be getting less than what you are now since it's a LDR and those hot and heavy feelings will subside a bit as you get used to each other.

 

I suppose you could wait it out and see if the viagra changes anything, but don't settle for a sex-less relationship with someone who can't fully commit to you.