Anyone Emotionally Detached?

[Renae]

A guy told me he made sure he wasn't ever emotionally attached to anyone he was dating. This was based on getting really hurt by a previous girlfriend. I don't understand how he can feel that way and his actions show he is genuinely cares. He isn't cold, he is very affectionate, remembers things you like, and focuses on even little things that would make someone happy.

So people who are emotionally detached....

 

Do you just pretend to care? Do you really legitimately not have feelings for anyone? Or do you just try not? He acts like he cares greatly but claims he is not emotionally attached. How does that work?

Edited July 13, 2016 by Renae

[GoodOnPaper]

Sounds like he wants to care, but the emotional attaching thing can be such a minefield for guys. Being burned in a relationship in which you are truly invested emotionally takes quite a toll - maybe moreso on men than on women. The only time I ever felt completely open emotionally and comfortable in my skin was in my first real relationship, a 2-year one in college. When she told me she was dumping me for some other guy because I was her first boyfriend, I cried like a baby in front of her - very embarrassing.

 

Then there is the whole issue of showing too much enthusiasm/investment too early being a turnoff - that was a consistent occupational hazard for me when I was single. So you develop a way of not completely letting go (or giving in, depending on how you look at it), whether it's to avoid scaring someone off or prevent future pain, while trying to act and care the way you really want to in a relationship.

[Gaeta]

Does he live by Buddhist philosophy by any chance?

 

How long has he been single that he is refusing attachment? It's such a turn off when people use their past to justify their mediocrity.

[burnt]

Think of it as a door.

 

Before getting hurt:

It is a swing door; the door opens both ways. You open up with all your vulnerabilities and assume the other person will reciprocate. The trust goes both ways. You care about the other person and have genuine faith that the other person will care in return. The entire process is so fluid and subconscious that you aren't even aware of the level of trust you place on the other person.

 

After getting hurt:

It's a regular door--only opens one way. You are fully aware of the possibility of getting hurt again and are guarded the whole time. You care about the other person, offer love and affection, but don't trust that it will be fully returned with honesty. You 'give' openly, but don't have faith in 'receiving'. You are aware of the fact that EVERYBODY is capable of lying. You just stop being a dreamer and a believer in magic. You accept reality.

 

Speaking as someone who is now emotionally completely detached, getting hurt or betrayed doesn't make you selfish, it makes you value the idea of love and honesty a lot more, but it makes you doubt everyone else's honesty.

 

The person you are talking about is NOT pretending to care. He cares. He is not selfish; he is genuine enough to tell you that he got hurt. He is just not willing or able to trust another with unconditional, absolute, and innocent faith.

[Renae]

Does he live by Buddhist philosophy by any chance?

 

How long has he been single that he is refusing attachment? It's such a turn off when people use their past to justify their mediocrity.

 

Nope no Buddhist philosophy.

He has been single for long time. Over 10 years.

[Renae]

Think of it as a door.

 

Before getting hurt:

It is a swing door; the door opens both ways. You open up with all your vulnerabilities and assume the other person will reciprocate. The trust goes both ways. You care about the other person and have genuine faith that the other person will care in return. The entire process is so fluid and subconscious that you aren't even aware of the level of trust you place on the other person.

 

After getting hurt:

It's a regular door--only opens one way. You are fully aware of the possibility of getting hurt again and are guarded the whole time. You care about the other person, offer love and affection, but don't trust that it will be fully returned with honesty. You 'give' openly, but don't have faith in 'receiving'. You are aware of the fact that EVERYBODY is capable of lying. You just stop being a dreamer and a believer in magic. You accept reality.

 

Speaking as someone who is now emotionally completely detached, getting hurt or betrayed doesn't make you selfish, it makes you value the idea of love and honesty a lot more, but it makes you doubt everyone else's honesty.

 

The person you are talking about is NOT pretending to care. He cares. He is not selfish; he is genuine enough to tell you that he got hurt. He is just not willing or able to trust another with unconditional, absolute, and innocent faith.

 

 

That makes perfect sense thank yu for the analogy.

[Renae]

Sounds like he wants to care, but the emotional attaching thing can be such a minefield for guys. Being burned in a relationship in which you are truly invested emotionally takes quite a toll - maybe moreso on men than on women. The only time I ever felt completely open emotionally and comfortable in my skin was in my first real relationship, a 2-year one in college. When she told me she was dumping me for some other guy because I was her first boyfriend, I cried like a baby in front of her - very embarrassing.

 

Then there is the whole issue of showing too much enthusiasm/investment too early being a turnoff - that was a consistent occupational hazard for me when I was single. So you develop a way of not completely letting go (or giving in, depending on how you look at it), whether it's to avoid scaring someone off or prevent future pain, while trying to act and care the way you really want to in a relationship.

 

But don't you want to be with someone? Doesn't the sedire to have someone win out?

[Gaeta]

Nope no Buddhist philosophy.

He has been single for long time. Over 10 years.

 

To me what he said would raise several questions. Before coming to any conclusion I would ask him

 

A) what is attachment to him.

B) does he believe in love.

C) can he fall in love.

 

The answers to these 3 questions would take priority over his 'attachment' comment. This needs to be discussed with him in details so you fully understand his position.

[burnt]

It's such a turn off when people use their past to justify their mediocrity.

 

I remember seeing a woman only once in a depression support group. She was in her 60s or so. She lost her husband many years prior, but what brought her to the support group was the death of her ONLY son a few months ago.

 

She had no faith in life, no motivation to believe in, no desire to want to move forward.

 

When she spoke she didn't "justify her mediocrity"--her new painful normalcy was defined by her past losses.

 

When someone shuts down, it's due to loss, heartbreak, suffering in the past. Our past defines us and shapes us. The losses and the pains in our lives change us.

 

Everyone experiences pain in life--but there's pain, and there's faith shattering PAIN.

 

Not every cut heals; some cuts leave you amputated for life.

 

It's not mediocrity to have the courage to say "I feel broken, but I'm living with the reminder of the pain, one day at a time."

[Gaeta]

I remember seeing a woman only once in a depression support group. She was in her 60s or so. She lost her husband many years prior, but what brought her to the support group was the death of her ONLY son a few months ago.

 

She had no faith in life, no motivation to believe in, no desire to want to move forward.

 

When she spoke she didn't "justify her mediocrity"--her new painful normalcy was defined by her past losses.

 

When someone shuts down, it's due to loss, heartbreak, suffering in the past. Our past defines us and shapes us. The losses and the pains in our lives change us.

 

Everyone experiences pain in life--but there's pain, and there's faith shattering PAIN.

 

Not every cut heals; some cuts leave you amputated for life.

 

It's not mediocrity to have the courage to say "I feel broken, but I'm living with the reminder of the pain, one day at a time."

 

I would never compare the lost of a child with a romantic heartbreak. As a 50 year old woman with divorce and broken relationships in her past I fully understand being broken. I have taken time to fix myself though before seeking companionship again.

 

If this man is broken, if he lost faith in love, then he shouldn't awaken Renae's heart. - Look at my quote.

[burnt]

I would never compare the lost of a child with a romantic heartbreak. As a 50 year old woman with divorce and broken relationships in her past I fully understand being broken. I have taken time to fix myself though before seeking companionship again.

 

If this man is broken, if he lost faith in love, then he shouldn't awaken Renae's heart. - Look at my quote.

 

Sorry to say, NO you don't fully understand being heart-broken. You only understand the depth of your OWN heartbreak. The depth of the pain you felt depends on your strength and copying skills in dealing with your own romantic break-ups.

 

There are many people who never recover from a single heartbreak, whereas there are some parents who find a way recover from a child loss.

 

I am NOT suggesting that you should compare one person's pain with another. But what I am asking is that you validate each person's pain in its own terms without injecting your understanding of pain.

 

There are many people who have lived very very empty lives for far too long to experience nothing but suffering every day. When they finally find a lover their love becomes so intense and powerful that their affection and care becomes as deep as a mother's love.

 

Now imagine being in that person's shoes; now imagine loving someone more than life and more the entire world and then losing that lover--it feels like losing every connection to the entire world.

 

You are very lucky if you don't know what I'm talking about.

[SevenCity]

Sorry to say, NO you don't fully understand being heart-broken. You only understand the depth of your OWN heartbreak. The depth of the pain you felt depends on your strength and copying skills in dealing with your own romantic break-ups.

 

There are many people who never recover from a single heartbreak, whereas there are some parents who find a way recover from a child loss.

 

I am NOT suggesting that you should compare one person's pain with another. But what I am asking is that you validate each person's pain in its own terms without injecting your understanding of pain.

 

There are many people who have lived very very empty lives for far too long to experience nothing but suffering every day. When they finally find a lover their love becomes so intense and powerful that their affection and care becomes as deep as a mother's love.

 

Now imagine being in that person's shoes; now imagine loving someone more than life and more the entire world and then losing that lover--it feels like losing every connection to the entire world.

 

You are very lucky if you don't know what I'm talking about.

 

I have to agree with this post. I've gotten over death of friends easier than the loss of a woman I opened my heart to.

 

I agree that it is easier for women to get over heartbreak than a man. Women are expected to get upset over a break and have societal support systems in place to allow them to move on. Couple that with a higher likelihood they will find another partner.

 

Men, on the other hand, are expected not to show emotion. Society expects us to "man up" and move on. I recall one insensitive woman saying to me after a bad breakup "why don't you just get another girlfriend?" Like there is a corner store down the street where I can select my tailor made mate. For women, it is often like that.

 

Have you ever heard a woman say "I just want to be single for now". That involves her actively denying opportunities. Knowing full well when she is ready there are a line of guys waiting. When a guy says that there is literally no action on his part.

 

Being alone as a man after you trusted and opened up your heart is devastating.

 

I've been through it about 4 times in my life and I don't think I have the mental capacity to deal with it again.

 

I would like to know how guys stay emotionally unattached.

[mikeylo]

Think of it as a door.

 

Before getting hurt:

It is a swing door; the door opens both ways. You open up with all your vulnerabilities and assume the other person will reciprocate. The trust goes both ways. You care about the other person and have genuine faith that the other person will care in return. The entire process is so fluid and subconscious that you aren't even aware of the level of trust you place on the other person.

 

After getting hurt:

It's a regular door--only opens one way. You are fully aware of the possibility of getting hurt again and are guarded the whole time. You care about the other person, offer love and affection, but don't trust that it will be fully returned with honesty. You 'give' openly, but don't have faith in 'receiving'. You are aware of the fact that EVERYBODY is capable of lying. You just stop being a dreamer and a believer in magic. You accept reality.

 

Speaking as someone who is now emotionally completely detached, getting hurt or betrayed doesn't make you selfish, it makes you value the idea of love and honesty a lot more, but it makes you doubt everyone else's honesty.

 

The person you are talking about is NOT pretending to care. He cares. He is not selfish; he is genuine enough to tell you that he got hurt. He is just not willing or able to trust another with unconditional, absolute, and innocent faith.

 

Very well said.Not just this, but all your replies are so so true !

Edited July 13, 2016 by mikeylo