Blindsided. What happened?

July 13, 2016

I met this guy almost two months ago and we hit it off very well. We live about two hours away from each other but have managed to see each other almost every weekend. Three weeks ago he told me that he liked me a lot and this doesn't usually happen to him. Two weeks ago he mentioned he spilled his feelings again. Now, last weekend I he said he wanted to spend the 4th with me, so he did. He got drunk and asked if I was seeing someone else because he's not and doesn't want to. Also, said he doesn't want me to see anyone else either because he just wants us to see each other. Any who, sober he asked me to spend 5 days with him at his beach house for the 20th. All good signs, or so I thought.

He isn't the best at communicating. I know that everyone isn't attached to their phones but geesh he's really bad. Last week we started talking about past relationships and how his previous girlfriends/women he casually dated would have an issue with how detached he could get. How he would go days without saying something but he said it's not that I wasn't interested in them he's just isn't good with communicating and . I just chalked that up to bull and him just not being that into them. Now since meeting we haven't talked all day and night and I don't expect to since we're not together. Neither do I expect to speak everyday. So this is where I'm at now. I got home last Tuesday and he reached out Wednesday. We exchanged 2 or 3 texts and the no response. He reached out on Thursday and exchanged 2 or 3 texts and no response. I haven't heard from him since then and we're supposed to be leaving for our trip on Sunday. I'm this close to just calling him, declining to go on the trip, and just tell him off.

Outside of the communicating thing one would think he's very interested but now, especially after not speaking with him since last Thursday. So I reached out yesterday said I was unsure about the weekend, in a joking way said how he is bad at communicating and that I didn't like it. He then says he doesn't think the trip is a good idea.

How heck do you all lose interest in only a week's time? When HE was the one saying all this stuff about not want to date other people and how he's not seeing anyone else. Granted he was drunk when he said this, but, HE was asking me where he stood with me because he doesn't want to play games because it would 'hurt his feelings' if I dated other people. HE said he wanted to do something for my birthday in a few weeks. HE asked to spend the 4th together. All last week he did those things and the week before that HE asked me to go on this trip. HE was the one trying to get all chummy with my friends. Just doesn't make sense.

I'm just over all of this dating nonsense. A week and lose interest? How?

July 13, 2016

It's not nonsense, he told you how he was....it's a personality trait. You can't take this personally....it has nothing to do with you, this time it's true, it's him. Now if you don't like this about him, you say thanks but this isn't working out and move on.....pretty simple. This is about expectations/compatibility. If he doesn't fulfill your expectations of keeping regular contact, and having conversations when you are apart, then it's a no brainer this isn't for you.

July 13, 2016

He`s really not that into you. Im a man and fi i was interested in a girl. I would be happy to hear from her and reply to her. I d also like to take her out and treat her right.

He`s filling in you with rubbish about not being a good commuincator. The way I read your thread it sounds like to me he is only wanting to talk to you on his terms, and when he wants to talk to someone he does it in his own time.

He hasnt really lost interest. It wasnt really there in the first place. If you likw him. Contact him and if he is wish washy with his answer or for your trip. Its time to move on.

July 13, 2016

He`s really not that into you. Im a man and fi i was interested in a girl. I would be happy to hear from her and reply to her. I d also like to take her out and treat her right.

He`s filling in you with rubbish about not being a good commuincator. The way I read your thread it sounds like to me he is only wanting to talk to you on his terms, and when he wants to talk to someone he does it in his own time.

He hasnt really lost interest. It wasnt really there in the first place. If you likw him. Contact him and if he is wish washy with his answer or for your trip. Its time to move on.

He was the one contacting me. We saw each other last Tuesday (asking to spend time with me for the 4th) and he contacted me again Thursday and I never reached out to him until I told him this last night.

If he wasn't that interested then why say he wanted us to see each other exclusively?

July 13, 2016

It sounds like he met someone else who took his fancy.

Take care.

July 13, 2016

Scanning…

He isn't the best at communicating.

We live about two hours away from each other

he said he wanted to spend the 4th with me, so he did. He got drunk and asked if I was seeing someone else…

Outside of the communicating thing one would think he's very interested but now, especially after not speaking with him since last Thursday.

So I reached out yesterday said I was unsure about the weekend, in a joking way said how he is bad at communicating and that I didn't like it. He then says he doesn't think the trip is a good idea.

Granted he was drunk when he said this,

I'm just over all of this dating nonsense. A week and lose interest? How?

Ditto what Smack and Zip said:

If you pay honest attention to the warning signs and red flags early on in the dating process this can help you alleviate heartache and confusion.

What you stated above were clear clues and you can either choose to acknowledge or ignore. A tiny voice inside your head did not tell you that “this doesn’t seem right,” with this dude?

The inability to communicate will always lead to issues. He seemingly is just not that into you, move on.

July 13, 2016

He was the one contacting me. We saw each other last Tuesday (asking to spend time with me for the 4th) and he contacted me again Thursday and I never reached out to him until I told him this last night.

If he wasn't that interested then why say he wanted us to see each other exclusively?

Because some guys are weird.

They come close, then pull back, then come close again...... you need to have a thick skin in this dating business!

To be fair, women can be weird too....

It's a wonder how anyone gets together at all with all this weirdness! Lol

Just leave him alone. Do your thing, live your life.

My ex used to pull that crap too when we first started dating, and we were together six years.

Leave him alone, he will either bounce back or he won't.

July 13, 2016

he told me that he liked me a lot and this doesn't usually happen to him.

Last week we started talking about past relationships and how his previous girlfriends/women he casually dated would have an issue with how detached he could get.

The first one is a line. It's to make you feel unique and special/so different from the others, which leads to the next quote -- I bet he started off saying that to every woman he was out with only to repeat his detachment patterns with each and everyone.

I wouldn't take his words seriously. I don't think he was really interested to begin with. I think he was managing your expectations. The moment you made it known that you have needs/wants - he cut you off. Speaks of his lack of genuine interest.

Edited July 13, 2016 by Zahara

July 13, 2016

He`s really not that into you. Im a man and fi i was interested in a girl. I would be happy to hear from her and reply to her. I d also like to take her out and treat her right.

He`s filling in you with rubbish about not being a good commuincator. The way I read your thread it sounds like to me he is only wanting to talk to you on his terms, and when he wants to talk to someone he does it in his own time.

He hasnt really lost interest. It wasnt really there in the first place. If you likw him. Contact him and if he is wish washy with his answer or for your trip. Its time to move on.

I have to disagree.

After reading all the responses here’s what I think.

So he pours his heart out to you, reaches out to you twice, and the only time you reach out is to say how he didn’t do something right and in a passive aggressive manner. Hey I invited her on this trip for 5 days (which if he wasn't interested he wouldn't have asked)I want to be exclusive, I reach out twice to her, then nothing from her, and then she says she's 'unsure' and kind of criticizes me? That would put a bad taste in my mouth.

The phone works BOTH ways. Yes, he could have said something to you in those 5 days but he contacted you TWICE and then YOU didn’t contact him at all. From his perspective he was reaching out and then you were the one detaching after pursuing you and wanting to be exclusive. Just as everyone else is saying “a man who is interested will make contact” he did and the same rules applies for us women. At two months it’s more than okay to initiate.

I don’t think he’s lost interest. Bad taste in his mouth, for sure, but based on everything that he’s said and done I don’t think he’s no longer interested. He just wanted to be exclusive a week ago and two months is not a lot but enough to just not completely lost interest. Give him some space right now.

Edited July 13, 2016 by dannmann1992

July 13, 2016

I have to disagree.

After reading all the responses here’s what I think.

So he pours his heart out to you, reaches out to you twice, and the only time you reach out is to say how he didn’t do something right and in a passive aggressive manner. Hey I invited her on this trip for 5 days (which if he wasn't interested he wouldn't have asked)I want to be exclusive, I reach out twice to her, then nothing from her, and then she says she's 'unsure' and kind of criticizes me? That would put a bad taste in my mouth.

OK if that was the case, but when he reached out there was only a 2-3 text

response and then he disappears both times. Why would he have a bad taste in HIS mouth? He the one shutting down the conversation by not communicating with the OP.

July 13, 2016

OK if that was the case, but when he reached out there was only a 2-3 text
response and then he disappears both times. Why would he have a bad taste in HIS mouth? He the one shutting down the conversation by not communicating with the OP.

I'm personally not too great on communicating either so that's why I can relate. I'm the type that unless we're setting up dates I don't need to communicate with her no matter how into her I am. I want to talk to her in person. Texting should not be be end all of communicating and I won't spend time sending meaningless texts. It's fine in the beginning but 2 months in and I've established that we're exclusive we don't need to having meaningless banter via text especially if I know that I'm going to see you soon. As smackie said it just comes down to communication style. I can see if he didn't tell her beforehand that he communicated like this or it was declining but if he's been communicating with her like this from the beginning AND he told her he was this way with other women then I would say he isn't interested, but this seems to be his personality.

Also, if I'm not into a woman the last thing I'm going to do is ask her to spend 4 or 5 days with me. Even if I just wanted sex, that much alone time would not be worth it especially only 2 months in.

July 13, 2016

So I reached out yesterday said I was unsure about the weekend, in a joking way said how he is bad at communicating and that I didn't like it. He then says he doesn't think the trip is a good idea.

What exactly did you say?

July 13, 2016

If he wants to play the hot cold game either he's not interested enough, he took what you texted as rejection and is lashing out, or he's not emotionally available and pulls back when things become uncomfortable for him. Natalie Lue (who is a great resource on emotionally unavailable behaviors) calls what he did Future Faking. She's written about it several times in her blag called Baggage Reclaim.

Edited July 13, 2016 by Miss Peach

July 13, 2016

If he wants to play the hot cold game either he's not interested enough, he took what you texted as rejection and is lashing out, or he's not emotionally available and pulls back when things become uncomfortable for him. Natalie Lue (who is a great resource on emotionally unavailable behaviors) calls what he did Future Faking. She's written about it several times in her blag called Baggage Reclaim.

Thanks, I'll look into that.

As far as him being bad at communicating thing goes he just told me only a week ago that he’s a self proclaimed bad communicator. In the beginning I didn’t see an issue as I am a horrible texter/communicator as well. I’m fine with a quick I hope you’re having a good day, or just a quick text saying hey. I prefer in the courting phase to communicate in person since I’m horrible over the phone lol. I usually take a while to respond, I forget to respond/call back, just suck at talking via text, etc. Now once we’re in a relationship I do expect a bit more.

Another reason why I didn’t have such a huge issue with this is because of his profession. He is a creative director and spends a lot of time and odd hours working on set. He told me that when he’s working he’s not using his phone and if he sees a text or missed call he’ll look at it but then he’ll forget and I respected him being present at work.

As far as his actions they have corresponded with his words. As I mentioned this communication (mainly just last week) has me confused. We’ve seen each other every weekend since we’ve met despite living hours away. He’s canceled other plans so that he could see me since our time is limited. He’s made an effort to be around my girlfriends and even has talked to them on the phone just to chat lol. Just a few weeks ago I ran into him and had a horrible day and he went around asking my girlfriends if I was okay because he knew something was wrong and went to go buy me something to cheer me up.

Even when he’s been working he’s asked me to come see him so that way we could get some time in even if he’s busy. This trip was supposed to be with all of his friends and I thought inviting me to meet even more of his friends was a good sign. Just last weekend we saw each other Saturday (he made me lunch), Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. The effort is there the communication is just crappy.

I’ve dated some crappy guys and knew right off the bat they were no good/not interested/invested/. My gut just didn’t feel that with this guy.

I could be just be naive though…

July 13, 2016

What exactly did you say?

I sent a text (big mistake in retrospect) in which I said,

"Hey I'm unsure about this weekend. I know you said you're bad at communicating which you're right because it causes issues. Let me know if what's going on with this weekend".

Maybe I'm beating myself here but typing this out to you all, now looking at it, it's not horrible but I can potentially see how it:bunny: wouldn't be perceived well, especially over text...

Funny thing is I was going to just send a short quick text saying that I wasn't going anymore but I appreciated the invite because he put such a bad taste in my mouth.

Edited July 13, 2016 by jebrooks1988

July 13, 2016

I sent a text (big mistake in retrospect) in which I said,

"Hey I'm unsure about this weekend. I know you said you're bad at communicating which you're right because it causes issues. Let me know if what's going on with this weekend".

Maybe I'm beating myself here but typing this out to you all, now looking at it, it's not horrible but I can potentially see how it:bunny: wouldn't be perceived well, especially over text...

Funny thing is I was going to just send a short quick text saying that I wasn't going anymore but I appreciated the invite because he put such a bad taste in my mouth.

He's definitely butt hurt. I know I would be.

OP, I thinks this sounds like a case of simple miscommunication. He sucks at communicating and you suck at communicating your feelings. Then to make it worse all this was done via text-recipe for disaster. Heads up, when a man tells you something about his behavior that you may not like, if you don't speak up then and there we wont see a problem with it and see no need to change it. He told you before he went silent how he communicates and you didn't say anything aka okay so she's cool with it *gets green light to relax even more*. Again, he could've said something but if he told this is how he communicates and you didn't say you had an issue with it until 5 days later ( he very could've been waiting for you to contact him) how is he supposed to know?

Let the dust settle and then try to talk face to face, if not on the phone and find some common ground how to communicate. You mentioned that you're not one who needs to talk all day every day and he clearly can go longer without so I'm sure you can ask him to give just a little. Don't criticize him in the process again though. Hash out the communication style. A little give and take will go a long way here.

July 13, 2016

I doubt very highly he doesn't know how she is feeling....he has gone through this before and has admitted it. It's pretty obvious he knows it's a problem but he isn't willing to change. That's why he forewarned her. He's pretty much telling her if you don't like it, then it's over.

July 13, 2016

I doubt very highly he doesn't know how she is feeling....he has gone through this before and has admitted it. It's pretty obvious he knows it's a problem but he isn't willing to change. That's why he forewarned her. He's pretty much telling her if you don't like it, then it's over.

You're right he may but he also can't be faulted because she decided not speak up, that's more of what I mean. It could have been different if they had discussed things in person right then and there. Instead, she decided to speak up via text, a week later, and in a passive aggressive way-forewarned or not that's a sure way to get someone to dig their heels into their ways more.

In person she could've said I don't need to talk everyday but 5 days no contact is too long but a simple I hope your day is going well every few days is good and save everything else for in person. In return he could say yea that's something I can do, that's not too much. Common ground. Instead she held her tongue that's all I'm saying.

So Smackie, are you saying you think he's telling her it's over?

July 15, 2016

I think he is saying "I'm not going to change so you can take it or leave it." It's up to her if she wants to accept the way he is or not.

IMO clearly stipulating expectations about communication will him will not make a difference.

Like I said, he warned her what he is like, so it's no secret here. He communicated that quite clearly and there is no misleading whatsoever. OP is the one that is getting butt hurt because he isn't willing to make a change for HER. If you have to "fix" or "correct" someones behavior this early in the game, it's time to walk away.

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