adilaurentis Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I've been seeing a guy for about 6 months and we got into a relationship two months ago and became exclusive. However, I've noticed that he still checks the dating app we met on very occasionally - not daily anymore but probably every other day or less, and it bothers me a lot. It's hard to make a case out of it and talk about it with him, though, because I feel like I'd have to explain why I'm "checking" it too and he'd probably feel cornered. But I do think this is an issue. I feel like I'm only checking these days to see if he's been online lately. Before we got serious/exclusive, he'd check the app multiple times a day and stayed on there for long hours, where I had no doubt that he was chatting with and dating other women on there too. After we'd established the relationship, he definitely checked a lot less and sometimes went several days or maybe a week without looking on there. I've noticed that whenever there's a slow point during his work day he'd do a quick login of the app, but that's about it. It still makes me uncomfortable, though. Our relationship is going fine and he's mostly very attentive and affectionate. We talk/text every day too and he lets me know what he's up to almost all the time, and he's always reachable when I get in touch with him. He's told his friends and his parents about me too and he's planning on introducing me to his parents when they come to visit next. I understand that he's pretty lonely for the most part and doesn't have many friends or people to talk to, and he's said before that I definitely fill a void in his life that I'm the first steady girlfriend he's had in a while. So if what we have is "satisfying" enough for him, I don't see why he still feels the need to check a dating app occasionally unless he's still looking for attention elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 So ....... How do you know he is on the dating app? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 (edited) I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet. Which app? It's possible he simply hasn't uninstalled it from his phone, for example POF app marks you as "online" whenever you have wifi signal, so if he's driving home it would look as though he's going offline and online again. All without even taking the phone from his pocket. I still log onto POF forums to answer posts there, although not onto the "main" site. Could this be a reason? It's also possible he's checking your status, and is just as suspicious as you are of him?? Maybe he only goes online to check when you were last on? I would straight up ask him about it. If he doesn't give a straight answer, or tries to shift it onto you, then I would be very concerned and probably dump him. But give him the benefit of the doubt, and ask him first. Edited July 13, 2016 by PegNosePete 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Was thinking same thing Jo... However the bigger issue is not that your boyfriend checks his dating app, it’s your insecurity or what some deem as “anxious attachment” You can’t control what people do only how you react to it. Either communicate and resolve your doubts or work on your insecurity issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 This has nothing to do with insecurities. A man in an exclusive relationship has no business showing himself on a dating app with pictures and advertising himself as single. I understand when he goes in a zone with open wi-fi he is shown online but to be shown online your app needs to be logged in permanently. I did all the dating app and when I logged out no wi-fi showed me online. Pete: I believe you have modified your profile saying you are not single and searching but only there for the forum right? So unlike OP's boyfriend you don't advertise yourself as single. As for her checking him, most dating app will show you who's online without even having an active account. OP: Good for you for checking your arrears. If you don't watch your back no one else will do it for you. Now my question is why did you feel the need to look him up? Most people go back and check the dating site because their instinct tell them not everything is granted yet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 This has nothing to do with insecurities. G all I'm gonna say is read history... Also going back to Jo's comment how does she know? Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 As others have said...dating apps say you are online thus in use. It's similar to online dating sites like Match sat you logged into your account when you just viewed an email sent to you from match. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 G all I'm gonna say is read history... Also going back to Jo's comment how does she know? Will do... She knows because several dating app you don't need an account to see who's online. They have off line search engine. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Pete: I believe you have modified your profile saying you are not single and searching but only there for the forum right? So unlike OP's boyfriend you don't advertise yourself as single. Right. But OP doesn't mention her BF's profile. We don't know whether he is advertising himself as single or not. As for her checking him, most dating app will show you who's online without even having an active account. Really? I've never seen any. Some let you search for people and look around and view profiles without being logged in but I've never seen one that shows online status. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adilaurentis Posted July 13, 2016 Author Share Posted July 13, 2016 As others have said...dating apps say you are online thus in use. It's similar to online dating sites like Match sat you logged into your account when you just viewed an email sent to you from match. This is an app called Clover. It's not one of the mainstream ones and not a lot of people have heard about it. It doesn't have a website presence, just the app. It allows you to hide your online status so that you can log on without disclosing your "last seen" or "last online" information. My boyfriend never used this function so I've been able to "spy" on him without showing how much I've been online. How this app works is that with the free version you can only chat/contact people when you mutually like each other. If you pay to be a member, you can initiate conversations with anyone you want. It's hard to tell if he's just checking the app out of boredom or if he's really connecting with anyone on there, although it does seem like he's only around for a very short period of time - maybe just a quick look - each time on there. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Why after all this time you both still have a profile on a dating app?? Personally I have 0 tolerance for this type of entertainment once you are in an exclusive relationship. When I am bored I come on here, in a forum, I don't go on a dating sites checking who's there and who will notice me. Serious people don't expose themselves to temptation. There is no difference between logging on a dating site and going in a single's club. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Really? I've never seen any. Some let you search for people and look around and view profiles without being logged in but I've never seen one that shows online status. What I imagine people do is create a “dummy” profile (no pic) with a generic email address and search that way. But as for this issue there should be a conversation as to OLD site statuses where both would discuss and decide mutually that each will delete accounts. I keep all the info on a word doc and if things don’t work out just repost. If I want to pursue a relationship with someone, I will delete my account on my own because I want to concentrate on that individual and don't want the distraction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 (edited) Will do... She knows because several dating app you don't need an account to see who's online. They have off line search engine. I think what they mean is why would it occur to you to do an offline or any other kind of search. It either means you have a preexisting level of insecurity where checking up is the norm for you or you had good reason. I've met 2 bfs on dating sites and when we became exlusive we talked openly about deactivating our accounts. I don't know if they checked up on me, but I didn't ever check on them. I had no reason to. Things were going well and there was nothing that made me want to check. OP, did you and your guy discuss this openly? I don't think it makes sense to be in a relationship where your feelings, concerns and fears can't be discussed openly, but instead you have to sneak around spying and checking on them in silence. It's a new relationship also, that doesn't make for a good foundation. Admit your insecurity and ask in a non-accusatory way why he's on there or rather, keep it about you and say that you checked because of your insecurities and saw he's online and it makes you uncomfortable and then see how he responds. His response will be a big clue. However, I have a feeling that even if he addresses it and for some reason was doing it in an oblivious way, you may still have no peace and will still try to go online and check. I think that's where the issue is for me, is that ultimately we cannot stop peoppe from lying or cheating so having an environment where we're constantly checking makes no sense to me. The way I see it is that if you are cheating, things will eventually begin to feel off in the relationship or there will be other clues and at that point is when I think checking to verify suspicions is more useful versus it being the status quo that you check up on this person all the time "just in case, " because as you see, it also becomes terribly hard to explain yourself too when you're doing that. Edited July 13, 2016 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 As if people blame the OP for being insecure. It's called being smart and proactive because a big portion of the dating pool is loser liar face cheaters. I don't blame you one bit OP. I do it too. I met my bf on POF and I have my profile "hidden". I check every so often to see if he's on and he isn't and he deleted his profile. I did however find my sisters ex husband who is engaged on their looking for girls lol. BTW people, POF only shows online when you open the app. I have tested this with my friends before because I guy I was casually dating was ALWAYS online. Such a turn off. There is 0 reason he should be on. Tell him your friend saw him on there and ask what's up? Personally I would just dump this guy cause after 6 months him going online is ridiculous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 In ALL of the stories we read on here concerning a bf or gf still being regularly online - close to NONE of those stories had a happy ending. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Actually with many of the free sites you can search from a search page by username. OKC and LinkedIn allow you to disable the ability to be searched this way but it's not on the account by default. So it's possible to see. I agree wit h Gaeta. If this guy is supposed to be monogamous, it doesn't matter. He should be acting committed. Logging into dating sites doesn't show that. This happened to me once with an ex. He logged into sites and told me the week we moved in together. He said liked to browse the profiles. Though he was always there for me, I wouldn't necessarily call him my committed ex or one who was about to form a strong emotional attachment to me. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 So ....... How do you know he is on the dating app? This and yeah those apps list you as online even when you arn't. my question is why it isn't deleted. I love it when I can delete my apps & disable my profiles. hate it when 3 months later i'm re-installing and enabling but stuff happens. LOL! but i wouldn't tolerate that crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Why after all this time you both still have a profile on a dating app?? Personally I have 0 tolerance for this type of entertainment once you are in an exclusive relationship. When I am bored I come on here, in a forum, I don't go on a dating sites checking who's there and who will notice me. Serious people don't expose themselves to temptation. There is no difference between logging on a dating site and going in a single's club. THANK YOU!!! I'm reading some of the responses wondering why no one is saying this exact thing! What is wrong with people and dating today? Seriously. I love how people today make up their own definitions of what constitutes an exclusive relationship. Believe it or not two wrongs don't make a right and if you want to be in a serious mature relationship than start acting like it. And that comes with brutal communication. Hedging your bets and keeping your profiles up, even without pics or content, means you're not fully committed to your relationship. Period. One foot in and one foot out. After 6 months together you should have a good sense whether or not you are each worth investing and if you're still not sure why be exclusive? I agree with Gaeta in that no good has ever come from couples doing what you're both doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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