mujeep Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 I have really hit rock bottom here lately. My ex and I split about 3 months ago after 4 years and she was with a new guy a week later. It really didn't hit me hard when it first happened. I found a new girl a week after she found him and was pretty happy. Once she found out that I was dating she called me all the time. She left me voice messages begging for me to pick the phone, but she never said she wanted to get back together. She would ask me "who were you with?", "where did you go?", "what did you do?", etc. I would always return her phone calls, even though something told me I should not. Fast forward to about a week ago. I've realized that the girl I've been dating really wasn't my type and I think my ex knows this. Now she almost never calls me at all and now I'm going crazy. I'm the one doing the calling and asking the questions. I can't stop making contact with her, wondering whats happening. Now she is holding all the cards. These really strong urges come over me to pick up the phone and call her. She doesn't answer me most of the time and when she does, its really short and she doesn't want to talk about the breakup. I want to regain control of myself and get my life back. I just graduated from college in May and my life has been horrible. I don't want to depend on her for my happiness and want to get back on track. How do I not contact her? Its almost like a psychological dependency that I have no control of. We spent so much time together all through college, she was always with me. Now, I feel very lonely...I've went from one extreme to another. I joined an indoor soccer team, hoping it will help. I've been on the job search, so I have a lot of free time and its when I'm alone the thoughts of calling her and wanting to see her occur.
daz Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 mujeep, you did the right thing by coming here, it shows you really want things to your liking and who doesn't? about the girl, i've went through it and am recovering myself.. me and her like you two reached many milestones leaving one hell of an impression on your life but there can be better, you want this right? If you have plans of moving on.. please read the story below, i wish i knew who to credit it to ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The other day I was at a vending machine buying a candy bar. It was one of those electronic ones that tell you how much money you've put in so far. I put in the first quarter, and nothing happened... I put in the second quarter, and again... nothing happened... I put in the third and final quarter, hoping that maybe the electronic readout was just broken, and when I pushed the button to get my candy bar... guess what... nothing happened! What would you do if you discovered that YOU were wasting money on a vending machine that wasn't giving you anything back in return? You'd stop putting money in and move onto one that WILL give back, right? That's exactly how you should handle women who aren't interested in you. a woman like this, She won't give anything back, no matter how much time and effort you "put in". maybe down the road sometime sure. but Dont waste your time now You see, I could have put money into that vending machine all day long, and I never would have gotten what I wanted (the candy bar) until I moved onto a machine that was capable of giving me what I asked for. The same goes for dating. Don't waste your time trying to impress people who don't like you in that way. There are plenty of women who WILL like you, and want to go out with you, so focus on those women instead. If you do THAT, your dating life will be a lot more fun. And maybe those stubborn people who couldn't see how desirable you were before will "see the light" once they notice how many women DO want to be with you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hope you didnt get hungry reading that and got the point, you two are no longer and couple and you either want her to feel like you or get back together right? get her back and showing her you CAN live without her, it may be hard but it's a way.. but the longer you contact her the LONGER this will go on and no one wants that Were here for your brother
Author mujeep Posted June 29, 2005 Author Posted June 29, 2005 The vending machine analogy really describes our relationship quite well. I would give and give and give. All she would do is take and give nothing back. And the rare times she did give back, it was like she HAD to, not b/c she WANTED to. It was horrible. This was the second time we split up and I don't know if she would ever come back to me. She told me in the beginning that when she was with this guy she would think of me and cry on the way to and from his house. I think now that she has gotten to know him better, she likes him more and thinks of me less....while I'm thinking of her more and more. I wish there was a sure way to get her back! People tell me I shouldn't want her back. I'm not sure if meeting someone will help me stop thinking of her or not. I'm afraid that if I do, no one will be able to compare to her and I will only be settling. I actually asked her if she thinks it would be best to have no contact with each other. She said, "if thats what you want", not giving me a straight answer. Honestly, I think she WANTS me to call her so she can feel like more than one guy wants her and she has something to fall back on in case it doesn't work out with the other guy. What do you think? I'm tired of giving her all the power.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by mujeep Honestly, I think she WANTS me to call her so she can feel like more than one guy wants her and she has something to fall back on in case it doesn't work out with the other guy. What do you think? I'm tired of giving her all the power. Spot on. Don't give her the power. Walk away. And yes, the vending machine analogy is a good one. Actually, I suspect this vending machine is broken, whoever uses it. I don't think Mr New Guy is gonna have much fun in the long term, either.
Author mujeep Posted June 29, 2005 Author Posted June 29, 2005 She tells me she acts totally different around this guy than she did with me and that it is better and that she is happy. I told her it was that way for us too in the beginning, give it time. She had HUGE emotional outbursts that got physical at times. I never got physical at all. She tells me she would never do that with this new guy, but I highly doubt she could change that about herself overnight. One day she is going to get upset at him (which is normal) and this guy may not be as understand as I was. There was a lot of peer pressure from her family and her only two girlfriends on her to end our relationship. I honestly believe if it wasn't for that we would still be together.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by mujeep I told her it was that way for us too in the beginning, give it time. She had HUGE emotional outbursts that got physical at times. I never got physical at all. She tells me she would never do that with this new guy, but I highly doubt she could change that about herself overnight. One day she is going to get upset at him (which is normal) and this guy may not be as understand as I was. Yup. As human beings, we love to externalise our problems. We don't realise that we carry at least half the problems with us into new relationships. Unless we face up to them...
samski3409 Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 Yo Mu, I know exactly what you're up against. and i think leaving this girl to her own devices is the only way to go. you know that felling you get when you call her and she's not there for you? how about when she was feeling bad and wanted to talk to you to make herself feel better? it's the feeling of being used! and she'll continue to use you when it suits her until YOU no long allow it to happen. this is the mark of a selfish person.believe me i know! i've just recently moved on from the same situation and i'm no longer looking back. it does get better and you'll be feeling like yourself soon enough. but if you keep hitting up this broke ass vending machine you'll only end up hungry and penniless. hang in there man!
Author mujeep Posted June 30, 2005 Author Posted June 30, 2005 I think all I'm doing at this point by talking to her is feeding her ego for the new guy.
rastafari Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 what your going to have to do is get on here every time you want to talk to her. then, once you start doing the NC bit for a while, you will start to forget at times that your doing it. see, for some reson my ex is still on my buddy list on AIM. i just got on the internet and saw she was on, my heart sunk. i had to tell my self out loud not to do anything because i would regret it. so i came here, read some posts, and am writing this. and she just signed off a few minutes ago, so now i delet her from my buddy list. just giving you advice from my experience. new hobbies help out a lot too, o man. dood. you must buy a dirtbike if you have some money, or save up some. im tellin you that will get your mind right off that girl. JUST KEEP YOURSELF BUSY. go to concerts and dance like no tommorow with every sweet ladie you see. they love the dancin, and you will start to love it too. jam out man. dont give a f*ck. you will see. all your NEW HOBBIES will put that girl in the back corner of your mind. she will pop up here and there, but thats when you ride your dirtbike to put that little hussi away. rock out with your c0ck out!
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by rastafari new hobbies help out a lot too Good advice.
greenhorn Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 NC is tough to do but not impossible. What is the matter of being in a relationship when you get only pain and hurt? If she is with someone else then it surely and effectively means that you should cut off from that girl for ever. If you stay in contact then atbest you willl get only compassion or pity but not love, or you will be there as backup or most cruel thing "as a friend". First step in doing NC is to realise that it is over and there is no looking back, second is to think positive about you, regain your confidence and dignity ( if you feel you have lost it). If she left you then think it as her loss and not yours. Try to give time to yourself, try to do things which don't make you remember her, make new friends, do some tiring work so that you get proper sleep. Go and meet people who care for you , like your parents and siblings. Just realise that if you break NC and go back to this girl then you would be making your condition miserable, so don't ever think of doing it. After sometime you will get back to your rythm in life without this girl and then you will miss her less. Good Luck
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