Sudden break up. My fault or hers!?

[Scottyster]

Hi all, this is my first post but would really appreciate any help here and I'm happy to take any blame/criticism to learn and work on for my next relationship. Apologies for the large post! I'm sure I've missed parts but will do my best to answer in the replies.

 

2 and a half weeks ago my ex split up with me.

 

I think the biggest thing to mention here is the age difference between us, which I was well aware of when we first got into our relationship but the majority of people said "age is only a number" and I really thought she was mature for her age. So she was 18 1/2 and I had just turned 27.

 

This meant she lived with her Dad (which I'll come on to later), and we also lived about an hour away from each other so she'd get the train to my house (or I'd drive to hers for the weekend, but as I owned a house the majority of time she'd take the trip over here).

 

I was very skeptical at the start and took things very slowly. By about 2 months in I really found myself loving this girl and she adored me. I've never known anyone to be as caring and loving as this girl, although I'm sure lots of other people say this too.

 

Up until about 1 year and 3 months, everything was great. We probably had a few small arguments here or there but nothing serious. We really loved each other. I mean she wouldn't let me go, she was pretty clingy, she always wanted hugs and gave me attention but I was fine with this, I actually need affection myself, I struggle being on my own so it worked for me.

 

There was a lot of public attention (like trying to kiss me in queues etc which I found pretty uncomfortable, but she was aware of this), and sometimes I'd complain a little about that and I actually thought she loves me TOO much if that's possible. I mean, she only lived an hour away on the train and we'd see each other weekends, but the Sunday night when she left very often she'd cry. Now I thought at the time that's cute, but again, a sign of big immaturity here?

 

Either way, we had plenty of weekends away, holidays, it was amazing. We had total 100% trust (she was a good looking girl but never had any issue letting her go out or anything like that, we both did what we wanted although generally it was always together anyway) and we could feel totally comfortable doing anything with each other.

 

For the last 6 months or so we'd started saving for a deposit towards a house. Now, I think this may have something to do with it. For someone her age (now 20), it's a pretty big commitment but I was ALWAYS extremely aware of this and made sure by asking several times over and over if she's happy with the commitment. She said she absolutely was and got involved in looking at houses and all sorts. I genuinely believed her, but now I'm wondering if this was part of the reason for the break up along with a few other things I'll now mention.

 

Here's where things turn bad. Now I don't see the point in posting this unless I'm extremely honest as I'd like to know people's opinions.

 

So after about 1 year and 3 months, while her family are away on their honeymoon we're dog sitting around hers (God help me if she reads this thread!) and we have a few drinks, everythings fine. Suddenly the conversation comes up about the number of previous partners we've slept with (neither of us can remember how, or why). Now when we first got together there was a clear conversation she started when we were laying together and she, for some reason, decides to mention the number of previous partners she's slept with. She lost her virginity at 16 and I met her 18 1/2. She named 3 men, one after the other, and then stopped. I think she stopped as she could see I wasn't particularly happy about this. People have a past but I found this, in all honesty, pretty slutty and something I really didn't expect given that we were together for around 2 to 3 months before we had sex and given her age.

 

But this night, she told me. She told me she had slept with 9 other people before me! I flew off the handle a little... okay, a lot. I personally want to be with someone who isn't a slut, and I couldn't believe it. This means in 1 and a half years she'd slept with 9 other people before me. She said she had learnt from her mistakes, but seriously, 9? At that age? I really struggled with this and then instantly I recall this conversation in bed. Why the f*ck would you name 3 people you have slept with and then stop? Why mention it at ALL? So I suddenly think she's lying to me and I recall this conversation to her. I called her a lot of bad names, yes, I called her a "slut" and a "whore", I was absolutely fuming as I felt I'd been deceived and lied to. We pretty much broke up that night.

 

Now let me make it clear, I have a past but I'm also a lot older, and I haven't never brought it up as I don't see any reason for it. But it's the fact she named 3 in the bed that time I couldn't deal with. Just don't mention any names or, damn, if you're going to list the whole lot. She didn't, and she probably didn't because I'd have probably split up with her that night.

 

The next day when things had calmed down and I'd spoken to a lot of people, apparently I was in the wrong for calling her these names. I say apparently as to this say I believe it's a slutty/whory thing to do but I can also appreciate everyone is brought up differently and makes mistakes (but seriously, 9 times you make the same mistake?), and I found it hard to let it drop. But I did. I apologised for my reaction and after a bit of repairing we agreed to never bring it up again.

 

What I wasn't aware of at the time is her brother in law was upstairs listening to the entire conversation. Not only was he listening but he decided to tell her dad absolutely everything (her dad knew of her past, at least that's she told me) when I wasn't there to defend myself. He had no idea of the context, only what I had said. Through a series of messages and conversations we managed to sort things out, I went round there the following week and although it was a little awkward at first, we forgot about it and moved on.

 

I think at this point the damage had been done but we continued for another 3 months. Last month we went abroad which was booked some time ago, and I think maybe in the back of both our minds we decided to try and make things work, enjoy the holiday and see how things went. And to be honest, everything was great. I did sometimes think of the argument (and in all honesty still struggled with it) but never, ever brought it up again.

 

Shortly after this she seemed to become very sensitive. I mean she was always overly sensitive (she cried all the time, just because she couldn't wait to see me and it was like 2 days since we hadn't seen each other) but it seemed I'd say some things I meant nothing bad by and she'd cry. It started getting very petty. She started trying to get me to do stuff with her family all the time but I started wanting our own time and space, so I'd start complaining saying why do we have to keep spending time with her family? There is give and take and I made plenty of trips over there in the last 6 months and actually probably saw her family more than mine.

 

And that takes us to about 4 weeks ago, a week before we split. We were planning on going out horse racing on the weekend and staying where she lived on the Sunday, but as I felt I'd spent so much time there I mentioned I wanted to head back home the Sunday. She then complained she'd have to get the train back that night and I said she doesn't, if it's inconvenient I'll leave and see her the following week (to me that is NOT a big issue - we'd see each other for about 5 hours less on that particular weekend), to her, it was the tipping point.

 

She told me she'd ring me after she made dinner but never did. So I called back after a few hours and she was in a right state. She'd basically said she'd bottled all these emotions up and unleased them all in front of her dad. I think he's played a massive part in influencing her decision here, honestly, before that week and only 4 days before we had the argument she sent me a massive message saying how much she loves me and appreciates all I do for her and she can't wait to live together, then 4 days later we split? I just don't get it. I said let's at least meet face to face, try and sort things but she wasn't having it. She said I made her miserable (her message clearly states how happy I make her 4 days ago and she told me this all the time) and she felt she couldn't ask me to do stuff with her family without me overreacting. I think it's due to her being FAR too sensitive. But maybe I'm being a dick, I don't know?

 

The more I've spoken to people the more they've said what she did (with crying all the time when she leaves and the clingyness etc) is part of her immaturity, and maybe she was just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. But I don't get it, I know she genuinely loved me, in fact she adored me and would always want to see me, hold me, kiss me. Even up to the week of splitting. And suddenly this. I think her dad probably never really forgave me and seeing her cry in front of him basically made the decision for her.

 

As far as it stands now, it's supposed to be no contact, but there has been a few emails back and forward with me asking if I should throw this/that away that she's left here, or her asking me if she left something here. I say supposed to be no contact as although I've deleted her number etc, she'll always know my email and I'll always know hers, so that makes things tricky.

 

Sorry for the huge post here, but here's ultimately my questions!

 

1. Am I in the wrong here?

2. Did her immaturity play a big part in this?

3. Maybe she wasn't really ready for the commitment of buying a house and moving from her dad, and her dad didn't want her to leave so influenced her?

4. Do I need to move on, find someone older (and more mature) who isn't as sensitive?

 

It's important to note we really, really did love each other and she was amazing. We had some great times, and it's pretty amicable at the moment but I'm still confused even though she's given me her reasons. I truly believe without her dad's influence here we'd have been able to work through this.

Edited July 12, 2016 by Scottyster

[ZayKayWill]

Christ Almighty. So just so I understand things, it sounds like you guys broke up because of the 'sex with 9 guys' thing and the fact that there were just some times where you didn't want to spend time with her family? If that be the case...

 

1. Am I in the wrong here?

 

While I can see why her being 18 and having sex with 9 guys would kinda surprise you (it would surprise me, too, that's a bit high especially for her age. Kind of indicates that she had no standards whatsoever really.) In all honesty, though, I think you kinda did mess that up with the names you called her and the way you handled it. If it upset you then that's fine, but calling her a whore and a bunch of other names probably didn't help at all...again I can see why it would have upset you, but calling her names and making her feel even worse about it definitely was not the way to go. No one is perfect. Yeah, she made a few, ok, a LOT of mistakes, but that's no reason to make her feel bad about it. Perhaps you could have asked her why she was so promiscuous? That's what I would have done.

 

2. Did her immaturity play a big part in this?

 

I mean, I don't think it's necessarily immature for someone to be crying because they're not gonna see you again for a while. You guys were in a long distance relationship and so she was probably grieving at the fact that she probably won't be able to spend time with you again for a while. Doesn't sound that immature to me. I don't thinks he should have made it a big deal that you didn't want to always hang with her family. There's nothing wrong with hanging with her family every now and then, but if you don't want to do it as much as she did, then I don't see anything wrong with that just as long as you were honest and upfront about it. If she can't handle that, then yeah I would say that's a bit immature on her part for lack of understanding.

 

3. Maybe she wasn't really ready for the commitment of buying a house and moving from her dad, and her dad didn't want her to leave so influenced her?

 

Not sure how to answer this one. That's something you'll need to talk to her about.

 

4. Do I need to move on, find someone older (and more mature) who isn't as sensitive?

 

Girls in general will always be sensitive (as will guys, too). And FYI, age does NOT determine maturity at ALL. I'm 26 and just got out of a relationship with a 36 year old, and she was immature to the max. Way worse than your ex girlfriend. It all comes down to if whether or not you're willing to put up with it or not I guess.

 

So um in conclusion: I think you both were wrong. If I was a girl and I trusted you with my past and you flew off the handle and judged me like that I would be pretty hurt, too. If you apologized and it was genuine, then I mean that shouldn't be any reason why you guys couldn't move on from that, so I don't think it should have been an all time deal breaker. Her getting upset at the fact that you didn't want to always hang with her family, though, I think is going a little far. I mean, it's not like you never hung with her family, is it? I mean if you were to always tell her, "NO I'M NOT DOING THAT." then maybe I could see why she would be a little hurt. IF that were the case (not saying it is) then maybe she felt you didn't really appreciate her as much? But as long as you did take some time to hang with her family, I don't think she should have been getting that upset about it. You have your needs as does she and that will take some understanding from both you and her. Hope this helps. Let me know if I missed anything. Cheers, mate.

[basil67]

Your fault.

 

Regarding her being immature: Do we need to remind you of how young she is? The frontal lobe of her brain is still developing. Her hormones are still still nutty. Of course she's immature compared to a woman your age. If you want maturity, go for someone over the age of 25.

 

It was too early for her to be saving for a house. At her age, she should be saving for her first car. Or to travel. Or college.

 

As for the slut/whore comments? Unlike the previous poster, it would be complete dealbreaker for me. No apologies could undo the fact that he said those things. And as a parent, I'd put my foot down if a man called my daughter those words (if she hadn't already dumped him over it).

 

Taking it further, a man simply using those words against ANY woman (lover/friend/stranger) would be a dealbreaker for me.

[guest569]

I think the name calling and harsh judging might have fed her insecurities and why she "became" very sensitive.

[CarrieT]

1. Am I in the wrong here?

YES! Who are you to judge her on her past? It belongs to her, not to you.

 

2. Did her immaturity play a big part in this?

Undoubtedly.

 

3. Maybe she wasn't really ready for the commitment of buying a house and moving from her dad, and her dad didn't want her to leave so influenced her?

You will probably never know this.

 

4. Do I need to move on, find someone older (and more mature) who isn't as sensitive?

Well, you need to move. And when you find someone more mature, don't discuss histories or numbers. YOU are the one who needs to be less sensitive.

 

It's important to note we really, really did love each other and she was amazing. We had some great times, and it's pretty amicable at the moment but I'm still confused even though she's given me her reasons. I truly believe without her dad's influence here we'd have been able to work through this.

All that doesn't matter. She probably would have broken up with you anyway when she got to be about your age. She has a TON of growing up to do to become the WOMAN she is to be. She is a long way away from that.

 

And YOU need to grow a much thicker skin about the fact that everyone has a past and not be so judgmental.

[Satu]

snip

But this night, she told me. She told me she had slept with 9 other people before me! I flew off the handle a little... okay, a lot. I personally want to be with someone who isn't a slut, and I couldn't believe it. This means in 1 and a half years she'd slept with 9 other people before me. She said she had learnt from her mistakes, but seriously, 9? At that age? I really struggled with this and then instantly I recall this conversation in bed. Why the f*ck would you name 3 people you have slept with and then stop? Why mention it at ALL? So I suddenly think she's lying to me and I recall this conversation to her. *I called her a lot of bad names, yes, I called her a "slut" and a "whore", I was absolutely fuming as I felt I'd been deceived and lied to. We pretty much broke up that night.

 

 

*Thats the point where you crossed the line.

 

No matter what you might think, there's no acceptable justification for it.

 

Its verbal violence.

[CarrieT]

*Thats the point where you crossed the line.

 

No matter what you might think, there's no acceptable justification for it.

 

Its verbal violence.

 

Repeated for truth.

 

Slut-shaming is just wrong on so many fronts...