auricautomaton Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Everything has been feeling like a mess, like mashed potatoes with glass gravy. Not sure what to do or even how I feel. So about 3 months ago I started dating this girl. She's smart, funny, a bit of a scatterbrain (ADHD), and wildly defiant. When I first started dating her we had both gotten out of horrible long term relationships, so there was the implicit (never stated outright) idea that our relationship was casual. About once a week we'd hang out, grab food, and sleep together. The sex was great and afterwards we'd cuddle and hold hands and just sneak nippy kisses between us like baby birds. We texted each other everyday, from morning to night, and I found myself starting to really like her. About a month into our relationship I talked to her about exclusivity, and she revealed that she was still seeing other guys. Okay, I thought. No biggie. I told her that I would like to be exclusive as I wasn't seeing anyone else, but I wasn't going to pressure her into anything. She said she'd think about it. A week later she texted me and said that she's actually polyamory and does not intend to stop seeing other people. This was something that we had never discussed or brought up before. I'm strictly monogamous and told her that I wish she had said something when we first started dating. She apologized but said that she was only looking for something casual all this time and never intended to be in an exclusive relationship with anyone. This I decided wasn't going to work, since I know plenty of polyamory friends and I knew it wasn't for me, so I told her that we should stop seeing each other as I didn't want to waste her time. Another week goes by and she texts me out of the blue saying that she wasn't seeing anyone else anymore and asked me out on a date. I accepted, although a bit cautious, and she basically said that she wanted to figure things out for herself. We had a great time but didn't sleep together, and I asked her if she still wanted to keep things casual for the moment. She said yes. Over the course of two weeks we continue to text each other daily but didn't have time to see each other. Then one day I get a text from her saying that she ended up in an open relationship with someone that she likes immensely. I wished her well, and decided to just move on. She then proposed to have a casual NSA thing with me because the guy she's dating is a strictly polyamory, no LTR type of guy. I ask her if she likes me, and at this point she admits no, she doesn't think we're compatible (maybe ideological? maybe physical?) and there's no shot of a relationship, but she'd still like to sleep with me. So now I'm confused, wanting to just wash my hands of this but yet also reeling from the early days when I had feelings for her, a bit jealous that she's got a lover she DOES have feelings for, and just feel like things are in such a flux. As much as I enjoy our sexual compatibility I think I'm only setting myself up for more hurt. Thoughts?
SevenCity Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Wash, rinse, repeat. You will not have anything but hurt from this girl. Get out now while you still can. 4
Author auricautomaton Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 Wash, rinse, repeat. You will not have anything but hurt from this girl. Get out now while you still can. Thanks! That's what my initial instincts were. I guess somewhere deep down hope springs eternal. Maybe a stage of denial?
Alamo657 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 So now I'm confused, wanting to just wash my hands of this but yet also reeling from the early days when I had feelings for her, a bit jealous that she's got a lover she DOES have feelings for, and just feel like things are in such a flux. As much as I enjoy our sexual compatibility I think I'm only setting myself up for more hurt. Thoughts? Are you looking for serious and love ? She's not the right woman, she needs men's attention but is not ready (if ever) for monogamy and settling. Yes, if you think you'll get hurt by wanting more than she can give, you should walk away.
SevenCity Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Thanks! That's what my initial instincts were. I guess somewhere deep down hope springs eternal. Maybe a stage of denial? I'm a hopeless romantic. That said, I don't like to see guys get hurt. You are clinging to hope which is human. But it is also very destructive. That's the boat I'm in now - in a RL with a girl who now isn't sure if she wants to be in it. It's a terrible feeling but considering I was going to marry her and our history I begrudgingly will see where it goes. Not forever though. If she said its over I would be done and on my way to healing. The wishing and hoping is breaking me. I want you to avoid that as you have all the evidence you need.
Springsummer Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 how can you make sure or what measures you take to protect yourself from catching disease in such a mess?
Author auricautomaton Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 I'm a hopeless romantic. That said, I don't like to see guys get hurt. You are clinging to hope which is human. But it is also very destructive. That's the boat I'm in now - in a RL with a girl who now isn't sure if she wants to be in it. It's a terrible feeling but considering I was going to marry her and our history I begrudgingly will see where it goes. Not forever though. If she said its over I would be done and on my way to healing. The wishing and hoping is breaking me. I want you to avoid that as you have all the evidence you need. Yeah, I think if we avoided the quotidian texts I might be able to engage in something casual for the short term but with our history I don't think further involvement is a good idea. Thank you for your insight and I'm sorry about the situation you're in now.
Author auricautomaton Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 how can you make sure or what measures you take to protect yourself from catching disease in such a mess? She's pretty adamant about condom use with all her partners. I don't think she's promiscuous, just exploring polyamory as we did end up discussing it in length. I knew enough about it from polyamorous friends and I told her that if that's her thing, it's all good. Just not for me.
Author auricautomaton Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 Are you looking for serious and love ? She's not the right woman, she needs men's attention but is not ready (if ever) for monogamy and settling. Yes, if you think you'll get hurt by wanting more than she can give, you should walk away. I think I would have liked something more, but obviously current circumstances do not allow that no matter what. She is a lot of fun to talk with but if she insists that there is no "spark" as it were I won't waste my time in trying to force or badger anything.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 So about 3 months ago I started dating this girl. So in three short months she's gone from a new relationship with you to declining exclusivity to declaring herself polyamory to breaking up with you to seeing no one and asking you out to ending up in a satisfying open relationship with someone else - but still wanting a casual NSA thing with you ??? Run, my friend... Mr. Lucky 1
Springsummer Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 So in three short months she's gone from a new relationship with you to declining exclusivity to declaring herself polyamory to breaking up with you to seeing no one and asking you out to ending up in a satisfying open relationship with someone else - but still wanting a casual NSA thing with you ??? Run, my friend... Mr. Lucky hey, some people can just run their lives on the speed of light!
Author auricautomaton Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 She is definitely one of those people I suppose. Mercurial beyond compare. As much as I adore her I'm pretty sure I'll end up in a much worse place if we see each other in any capacity.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Think about it. There's nothing there for any kind of future. She came out and admitted she doesn't like you so why waste your time with her. Your just going to get run over in the long run so move on and find someone that wants a relationship.
Pennypa Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Clearly this girl is only looking for a good time. Take the compliment that she wants to have that good time with you and be done with it! If you are even slightly bothered by her seeing other people you need to nip it in the bud before what youre feeling gets REAL. You look like you have it under control though! Good luck!
Author auricautomaton Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Thanks guys. I told her last night that we should be just friends and wished her well. Definitely seemed like kind of a bad cycle to get involved in. Cheers everyone!
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