How to prepare for my three month "where are we now" talk

[abby_tx]

3 weeks ago I matched with a tinder guy. To be honest, the only reason I swiped right on him was because I was out for happy hour with a friend and tipsy enough to have that that "F it!" attitude and swiped right on this guy I never would have swiped right on: 4 years younger and seemed to be a little bit more of a party animal than I am.

 

The exact opposite of what I expected to happen happened. We clicked. Hard. Like, the strongest connection I've had with a human in 10+ years (friendship, romantic, or otherwise). We exchanged numbers and texted back and forth that entire day and we continued to do so until our first date a week later. I was scolding myself for talking to him that much since it never translates to real life, but it did. And we're crazy about eachother. We've since had 4 dates, each one better than the last. He's told his parents about me. I've told mine about him. With every guy I've dated, there's been little things that irk me but he honestly has nothing. I'm on cloud 9. It's not just a sexual relationship either as sex hasn't happened. We're waiting. I'm in my early 30's. You'd think I'd know better than to fall this hard this fast, but I did.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is should I try to slow it down? Maybe stop the 'goodnight' texts and wait longer to reply to his texts? I don't want this thing to crash and burn. I don't want him to wake up and realize I'm too old. I guess this is me worrying about being too happy.

[d0nnivain]

Your slow down plan is game playing. There is no need for that.

 

 

Do slow down in the sense that you need to guard your heart. It's too soon to start thinking long term. At best you can wonder if you have a date for Fireworks on the 4th of July but don't look much farther. Focus on one day at a time. That will emotionally slow you down which is needed.

[Gaeta]

I guess what I'm wondering is should I try to slow it down? Maybe stop the 'goodnight' texts and wait longer to reply to his texts? I don't want this thing to crash and burn. I don't want him to wake up and realize I'm too old. I guess this is me worrying about being too happy.

 

Why would you do such a thing? Sometimes women are their own worse enemy! Just live the moment, that's what he is doing. As I see it you are both comfortable in the way things are developing. None of you is forcing the relationship so let it unfold naturally. Slowing down a relationship for no good reason can damage it.

 

4 years younger is no big deal. You're creating issues where there is none.

[Gaeta]

I don't want this thing to crash and burn.

 

If it's meant to be, it will be.

 

If it crashes and burns then what? you'll get up, dust yourself, and get back on your saddle.

 

There is no great love without great risk.

[abby_tx]

Your slow down plan is game playing. There is no need for that.

 

 

Do slow down in the sense that you need to guard your heart. It's too soon to start thinking long term. At best you can wonder if you have a date for Fireworks on the 4th of July but don't look much farther. Focus on one day at a time. That will emotionally slow you down which is needed.

 

I didn't realize slowing down would be game playing. Good point. I'm definitely trying not to make plans too far down the road. He has invited me to things not happening until July but I don't give him a clear yes or no. Ugh. How do I protect my heart? I woke up with an anxiety over how much I like him. Gotta act natural.

[abby_tx]

Why would you do such a thing? Sometimes women are their own worse enemy! Just live the moment, that's what he is doing. As I see it you are both comfortable in the way things are developing. None of you is forcing the relationship so let it unfold naturally. Slowing down a relationship for no good reason can damage it.

 

4 years younger is no big deal. You're creating issues where there is none.

 

Yeah we're both equally into the speed. I slipped and made a comment of us being a 'pair' and he asked me, "Sorry if this is too soon, but what ARE we? I wanted to ask but wasn't sure if I should wait." I told him he was the only one I was dating and only one I wanted, but I understood it was soon so I was okay with him not being there yet. He said, "Nope! I"m there. It's only you."

 

Since this conversation I've been a mess.

[abby_tx]

How many days a week is reasonable to meet up for dates? Our last was Saturday and next is Thursday. That's my usual space when I"m with guys but I'm finding the 5 day break in between really really long and making unnecessary anxiety.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't realize slowing down would be game playing. Good point. I'm definitely trying not to make plans too far down the road. He has invited me to things not happening until July but I don't give him a clear yes or no. Ugh. How do I protect my heart? I woke up with an anxiety over how much I like him. Gotta act natural.

 

 

the game playing part is not sending a good night text or calculating how much time to let pass before you respond.

 

 

You protect your heart by reminding yourself that it's early. Just keep saying, slow & steady, one day at time, it's a marathon not a sprint. Be kind to each other but don't expect too much, don't rely on him for everything, hold back. Make sure you are still living your life -- going out with friends, pursuing your hobbies etc.

[Gaeta]

How many days a week is reasonable to meet up for dates? Our last was Saturday and next is Thursday. That's my usual space when I"m with guys but I'm finding the 5 day break in between really really long and making unnecessary anxiety.

 

Hon, there is no guide book on this. You do as you wish. If you want to see each other 2 times a week do so, if 3 do so. The only rule is if you feel overwhelmed at 3 times a week then go back to 2 times a week. The rule is you, and how you feel in all this.

 

At first I like 2 times a week for about a month, then I like 3 times a week. After 5 months dating my boyfriend and I see each other almost every day. I like it that way, I feel comfortable in it. If I felt overwhelmed I would ask him for less visits.

 

As for how to protect your heart , there is no antivirus for this, no shield, no insurance or guarantee. You take a chance on someone, period. Yes at the risk of being hurt.

[smackie9]

Good lord just enjoy what's happening! If you over think things you are going to ruin it. It sounds like it's happening all for the right reasons. Congratz

[abby_tx]

I wasn't able to reply at the time (I was at work) but I took your advice to heart and it was the best thing I could have done. Instead of holding back, I've told him I miss him when I miss him. I tell him how amazing he is and how lucky I am to have met him and he is with me every step of the way. Of course, I look at the calendar and see it's only been 4 weeks since we messaged but I am just trying to enjoy this.

 

Right now this relationship is like one I've never felt. I know I know. You always think that at the start of a relationship, but I've had many 'starts' to relationships and even the best ones never were like this. I cannot tell you how happy I am right now and how thankful I am to have made that post before I screwed evrything up.

 

 

:D:D:D:)

[abby_tx]

I started dating a new guy. He's great. I'm head over heels in like with him. It all came about very wonderfully and naturally. But as soon as the boyfriend-girlfriend title was put on us, things changed. The past three days a switch was flipped and I've had uncontrollable anxiety. We haven't had a chance to hang out in 3 days, so he hasn't witnessed any of this. His texts or texting style hasn't changed at all, but I read into them all differently because of where my mindset is at. My boyfriend of nearly 8 years cheated on me and left me for another woman. It's been 3 years since then and I'm over him, but what I'm evidently I'm not over what happened because it is carried into every new relationship I am in. I feel like I can fake feeling completely at ease with my new boyfriend or I can tell him what's going on in my head. I should still be in that happy fun getting to know you stage, but I just want to cry, stick my head in the sand and give up on love. I'm so scared. I don't want to sabotage this. I am starting therapy soon but I don't know how to cope until my first appointment.

 

 

My new guy:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/579956-moving-too-fast

[abby_tx]

I REALLY hope someone is awake to reply now. I am semi-freaking out.

[Versacehottie]

I started dating a new guy. He's great. I'm head over heels in like with him. It all came about very wonderfully and naturally. But as soon as the boyfriend-girlfriend title was put on us, things changed. The past three days a switch was flipped and I've had uncontrollable anxiety. We haven't had a chance to hang out in 3 days, so he hasn't witnessed any of this. His texts or texting style hasn't changed at all, but I read into them all differently because of where my mindset is at. My boyfriend of nearly 8 years cheated on me and left me for another woman. It's been 3 years since then and I'm over him, but what I'm evidently I'm not over what happened because it is carried into every new relationship I am in. I feel like I can fake feeling completely at ease with my new boyfriend or I can tell him what's going on in my head. I should still be in that happy fun getting to know you stage, but I just want to cry, stick my head in the sand and give up on love. I'm so scared. I don't want to sabotage this. I am starting therapy soon but I don't know how to cope until my first appointment.

 

 

My new guy:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/579956-moving-too-fast

 

Yes you should. (bolded) and don't put that on him. Find a way to fake it until you make it to your first appt. Abby, this is your pattern. Your anxiety gets the best of you. There is no reason to barf all this sh*t onto your new bf. It will feel better for you but not for him.

 

At some point when a natural relationship/past relationship convo comes up, you can BRIEFLY tell him that you've been cheated on so you don't trust as easily as you once did.

 

Our partners, especially new ones, are not therapists. I know sometimes people mistake just telling everything as getting closer but think about it. He is not your therapist. Let honesty be about stuff between you and him or your past (if and only if) it comes up in relation to you and him. Not dump all your past on him. Like I have this great person and now I need to tell him all my baggage. NO. Don't do it.

[abby_tx]

Yes you should. (bolded) and don't put that on him. Find a way to fake it until you make it to your first appt. Abby, this is your pattern. Your anxiety gets the best of you. There is no reason to barf all this sh*t onto your new bf. It will feel better for you but not for him.

 

At some point when a natural relationship/past relationship convo comes up, you can BRIEFLY tell him that you've been cheated on so you don't trust as easily as you once did.

 

Our partners, especially new ones, are not therapists. I know sometimes people mistake just telling everything as getting closer but think about it. He is not your therapist. Let honesty be about stuff between you and him or your past (if and only if) it comes up in relation to you and him. Not dump all your past on him. Like I have this great person and now I need to tell him all my baggage. NO. Don't do it.

 

You're right. My anxiety always get the best of me. I don't know how to stop. I'm fine until I actually like the damn guy then I'm no longer myself. How does a guy still like me if I'm not me because of anxiety? I will avoid telling him I was cheated on.

[Versacehottie]

You're right. My anxiety always get the best of me. I don't know how to stop. I'm fine until I actually like the damn guy then I'm no longer myself. How does a guy still like me if I'm not me because of anxiety? I will avoid telling him I was cheated on.

 

Because your anxiety starts running the show. Just tell it to calm down. Once you realize that it's just that you should be able to come up with some coping strategies that can be your go-to. I think it's been about a month right? So you like him. Good. Typically, I think people (and you if I remember your posts right) jump too far into the future which causes anxiety. You are probably worried about everything because you considering THE FUTURE with him. Stop doing that. It's what brought on the anxiety. Then you start worrying he needs to know the not-so-good stuff about me so he can just decide right now if he wants me or not; I need to know. No you don't. Dial it back. It's still been about a month. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Break it down into the smallest components and inject fun and put it into perspective of where you are at.

 

I'm sure tomorrow someone will jump on the thread and tell you complete honesty is the way to go. Wrong. The other person, especially at this stage, does not want to know all that sh*t going on in your head. That's the not healthy stuff. They want to consider getting into the relationship with the cool, great girl they were just dating. The baggage is just ramped up because of moving to a new stage. It's not real, if you can manage it.

[abby_tx]

Because your anxiety starts running the show. Just tell it to calm down. Once you realize that it's just that you should be able to come up with some coping strategies that can be your go-to. I think it's been about a month right? So you like him. Good. Typically, I think people (and you if I remember your posts right) jump too far into the future which causes anxiety. You are probably worried about everything because you considering THE FUTURE with him. Stop doing that. It's what brought on the anxiety. Then you start worrying he needs to know the not-so-good stuff about me so he can just decide right now if he wants me or not; I need to know. No you don't. Dial it back. It's still been about a month. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Break it down into the smallest components and inject fun and put it into perspective of where you are at.

 

I'm sure tomorrow someone will jump on the thread and tell you complete honesty is the way to go. Wrong. The other person, especially at this stage, does not want to know all that sh*t going on in your head. That's the not healthy stuff. They want to consider getting into the relationship with the cool, great girl they were just dating. The baggage is just ramped up because of moving to a new stage. It's not real, if you can manage it.

 

Well, what I liked about this relationship is it was fun, new, fresh, easy. I don't know who his exes are. I don't know if he was in many relationships. I just know HIM and I like that. I 100% agree with your advice. It's just really hard when my mind tells me something different.

 

He texted me "Goodnight!" instead of "Goodnight, can't wait to see you!" and my mind went "Oh ****! Just a goodnight, huh? WHY? DON'T LIKE ME ANYMORE?" and in that mindset I can't decide what response a 'normal' me would give so I overthink it in an effort to sound like myself as a non-anxious person and it just makes me feel like a phony.

Edited May 12, 2016 by abby_tx

[Versacehottie]

Well, what I liked about this relationship is it was fun, new, fresh, easy. I don't know who his exes are. I don't know if he was in many relationships. I just know HIM and I like that. I 100% agree with your advice. It's just really hard when my mind tells me something different.

 

He texted me "Goodnight!" instead of "Goodnight, can't wait to see you!" and my mind went "Oh ****! Just a goodnight, huh? WHY? DON'T LIKE ME ANYMORE?" and in that mindset I can't decide what response a 'normal' me would give so I do a short, sweet one instead of maybe

 

Yes no reason to switch from this vibe yet. Ok good you know. Sometimes you just can't be in a hurry to respond if you aren't going to be yourself. I know that's hard when anxiety what's fueling the emotion because you feel like you need to. And then sometimes you do something you wish you hadn't or you retaliate bc he didn't say the full goodnight line. Try to always ask yourself who is running the ship, you or anxiety you. Then go back to the facts, ie of course people word good night messages differently. How boring if they didn't and how unreasonable to expect it to be the same everyday. Anxiety is usually fueled by unreasonable thoughts, just try to counter them with reasonable ones. And remind yourself that you want to be in the fun stage--there is no hurry to the next one. Let him take you to the next stage (well as things are now). Just be open along the way. Censor anxiety you so that real you can shine. Good luck

[abby_tx]

Yes no reason to switch from this vibe yet. Ok good you know. Sometimes you just can't be in a hurry to respond if you aren't going to be yourself. I know that's hard when anxiety what's fueling the emotion because you feel like you need to. And then sometimes you do something you wish you hadn't or you retaliate bc he didn't say the full goodnight line. Try to always ask yourself who is running the ship, you or anxiety you. Then go back to the facts, ie of course people word good night messages differently. How boring if they didn't and how unreasonable to expect it to be the same everyday. Anxiety is usually fueled by unreasonable thoughts, just try to counter them with reasonable ones. And remind yourself that you want to be in the fun stage--there is no hurry to the next one. Let him take you to the next stage (well as things are now). Just be open along the way. Censor anxiety you so that real you can shine. Good luck

 

Thanks for being awake and giving me a response. I really needed someone to help calm me down and you did. I hope therapy helps me calm myself down so I can enjoy this relationship.

[Buddhist]

I know this is going to sound callous but.....everyone gets cheated on. I can't think of a single exception. It's something everyone goes through in life at some stage. It's almost ike a rite of passage in relationships. i was cheated on twice, the first time I got anxious like you. The second time....pffft! There's the door mate. :roll eyes: You come to realise that actually there is nothing and I mean nothing you can do to prevent such a thing. Nada, nope and zip. Give up on any idea that you can because clinging to that causes you pain, and as you well know, anxiety.

 

Once you understand that, and also that cheating is a sign of where that person is at and has nothing to do with you, at all. Then you need never live in fear of it again. It's only this idea that you should have been able to prevent it, and it was somehow your fault that makes you anxious.

 

The trouble is sharing this thing of yours is that anytime things don't go right in the relationship your BF will pin it on you being suspicious of him cheating and projecting etc. It's a relationship death spiral, best left alone. No-one and I mean no-one wants to be a in relationship with someone that has to be emotionally propped up with certain behaviours so they don't get anxious. It just kills intimacy straight away.

 

Save your freaking out for your therapist, they get paid to deal with it and leave your BF out of it. It wasn't his fault, had nothing to do with him. And hey, it wasn't your fault either.

[getsmartie]

What's the worst that can happen? Let's say he breaks up with you then so be it. It's not the end of the world. You've survived the worst with your ex so this is nothing! That's what you have to tell yourself...that whatever happens you'll be ok.

 

Hard to do but you need to find a way to calm yourself down!

 

And yes get into therapy. I was in for a good year when I was blindsided by my partners cheating.

[d0nnivain]

Try reminding yourself that the new guy is not your EX.

 

Also focus on the good things the positives not the negatives.

[mikeylo]

I guess he should know. Mention it but don't drag out the details unless he asks , which I doubt. We all want to know where one is coming from.

[abby_tx]

I'm curious. I've known my guy for a month and a half (official couple for a month). My parents live out of town. Even if they did live here, I think I'd wait until the four month mark. I feel like relationships that make it to 4 are going to be more serious.

 

But oddly enough, I am really eager to meet HIS parents and would meet them tomorrow if he asked. I want to see who made and raised this amazing guy. Plus I think his parents would like me.

 

Guys, when did you feel comfortable introducing a girlfriend to the family?

[abby_tx]

Half a month later and I still didn't bring it up. I still think it's the right call. I am also in therapy to curb the anxiety. Finally found a therapist I click with!