Turn of events...

[cobra148]

I was on here a while back trying to remove my self from MM and it has been 12 days NC. Yes it is hard but I am dealing. I have several realizations about him and me and us. I accepted that I am not his anymore and he has no intention of ever coming back. I know I did not want him but I still wanted him. I missed the good times and the fun and the attention but I also realized that I ignored the moments of his rudeness and his push to get rid of me. So that may or maynot have passed but I am getting better on a day to day not scheming and scamming to try to think of ways to communicate with MM.

So in my intro I also said that I had started dating a gut. great guy. Since then we have had many conversations about us and what a relationship looks like and expectations... Seems these conversations happen as we get older instead of just letting it go and go with the flow... So turns out he is incredible and totally wants to be with me.... but and it is a big but. He is not interested in intimacy. He wants to provide and nurture and give me what I need, but also told me that he wants me to go find whtever I need as far as intimacy "whenever" I need it. He has no problem with me going out and pretty much who ever I want. Soooo now what the heck am I to do. Ironically enough I am not one to have an A when I am in a relationship I am used to having what I have and that taking care of my needs. However I do like "intimacy" and will have to find my fill somewhere.

Strange things happen as we get older. Scripts are changed and roles reversed.

We have talked about it quite a bit and it is very clear. So now to find another MM? Seems they will be the ones to understand my situation more so. or????

[pooldog]

Just say next and keep dating.

 

It sounds like that one is not right either. Sorry that happened but it sounds like you are able to know what you need and endure the hardship to get it.

 

I was on here a while back trying to remove my self from MM and it has been 12 days NC. Yes it is hard but I am dealing. I have several realizations about him and me and us. I accepted that I am not his anymore and he has no intention of ever coming back. I know I did not want him but I still wanted him. I missed the good times and the fun and the attention but I also realized that I ignored the moments of his rudeness and his push to get rid of me. So that may or maynot have passed but I am getting better on a day to day not scheming and scamming to try to think of ways to communicate with MM.

So in my intro I also said that I had started dating a gut. great guy. Since then we have had many conversations about us and what a relationship looks like and expectations... Seems these conversations happen as we get older instead of just letting it go and go with the flow... So turns out he is incredible and totally wants to be with me.... but and it is a big but. He is not interested in intimacy. He wants to provide and nurture and give me what I need, but also told me that he wants me to go find whtever I need as far as intimacy "whenever" I need it. He has no problem with me going out and pretty much who ever I want. Soooo now what the heck am I to do. Ironically enough I am not one to have an A when I am in a relationship I am used to having what I have and that taking care of my needs. However I do like "intimacy" and will have to find my fill somewhere.

Strange things happen as we get older. Scripts are changed and roles reversed.

We have talked about it quite a bit and it is very clear. So now to find another MM? Seems they will be the ones to understand my situation more so. or????

[Bufo]

Wow. I'll give him credit for honesty. Too often in the dead bedroom posts we see premarital false advertising. But he is totally up front.

 

Is he asexual? What is his relationship history? If he is asexual, you probably will never find satisfaction with him. While life is short, it's too long to spend with someone who doesn't love and desire you the way you want. The most common "banging" will be you banging your head against the wall from frustration. Sexual and emotional frustration.

 

And, have you discussed children. As I recall, sex is usually a part of that process. It isn't always a one time event. Is he capable? Are you and he in the same page, children-wise?

 

Is he seeking "cover" for his sexual orientation? That is possible, too. Better to know the truth now.

 

On the upside, there are many women who have little interest in sex. Maybe he should look for one of them. And I'm being serious. Two asexual a can get along just fine because they don't have to quell their desires.

 

And, finally, do you really want a lifetime of being someone's OW? Or more accurately the OW of a parade of men? No A lasts forever, so you'd be seeking a replacement every few years or sooner depending on whether DDay happened earlier or later.

 

Just because it's a relationship doesn't mean it's a good fit. I'm sure you've tried on shoes or,clothing that seemed great but just didn't fit. Did you buy them anyway?

 

Keep looking.

[cozycottagelg]

With the healing from ending the relationship with your MM, I am not sure you really should be dating right now. I think you should focus on you, and then find a guy who can meet all the needs that are most important to you. If intimacy is important, and he isn't willing to provide that, I don't know why you would even consider dating him.

 

What if you find someone else to have sex with (not sure why you referenced another MM, I'm sure there are single men who would be willing to fulfill this need for you), and you decide you really like this new guy. Then you're having to break up with the other guy based on sex alone.

 

There are plenty of fish, find one that meets all your needs.

[burnt]

I was going to respond, but once I read Bufo's response, I bow,

Absolutely, right on point.

Amazing post Bufo.

 

OP, you may not like it, but Bufo's post is accurate to the last detail.

 

Wow. I'll give him credit for honesty. Too often in the dead bedroom posts we see premarital false advertising. But he is totally up front.

 

Is he asexual? What is his relationship history? If he is asexual, you probably will never find satisfaction with him. While life is short, it's too long to spend with someone who doesn't love and desire you the way you want. The most common "banging" will be you banging your head against the wall from frustration. Sexual and emotional frustration.

 

And, have you discussed children. As I recall, sex is usually a part of that process. It isn't always a one time event. Is he capable? Are you and he in the same page, children-wise?

 

Is he seeking "cover" for his sexual orientation? That is possible, too. Better to know the truth now.

 

On the upside, there are many women who have little interest in sex. Maybe he should look for one of them. And I'm being serious. Two asexual a can get along just fine because they don't have to quell their desires.

 

And, finally, do you really want a lifetime of being someone's OW? Or more accurately the OW of a parade of men? No A lasts forever, so you'd be seeking a replacement every few years or sooner depending on whether DDay happened earlier or later.

 

Just because it's a relationship doesn't mean it's a good fit. I'm sure you've tried on shoes or,clothing that seemed great but just didn't fit. Did you buy them anyway?

 

Keep looking.

[66Charger]

Thats not a red flag, thats a supernova. A forest on fire. Asexual, bisexual, homosexual, doesnt matter.

 

Dump him.

 

Yesterday.

[CarrieT]

Move on and find a guy that will be all things to you.

 

Don't settle for just a little that makes you look elsewhere for your other needs.

[cobra148]

Wow. I'll give him credit for honesty. Too often in the dead bedroom posts we see premarital false advertising. But he is totally up front.

 

Is he asexual? What is his relationship history? If he is asexual, you probably will never find satisfaction with him. While life is short, it's too long to spend with someone who doesn't love and desire you the way you want. The most common "banging" will be you banging your head against the wall from frustration. Sexual and emotional frustration.

 

And, have you discussed children. As I recall, sex is usually a part of that process. It isn't always a one time event. Is he capable? Are you and he in the same page, children-wise?

 

Is he seeking "cover" for his sexual orientation? That is possible, too. Better to know the truth now.

 

On the upside, there are many women who have little interest in sex. Maybe he should look for one of them. And I'm being serious. Two asexual a can get along just fine because they don't have to quell their desires.

 

And, finally, do you really want a lifetime of being someone's OW? Or more accurately the OW of a parade of men? No A lasts forever, so you'd be seeking a replacement every few years or sooner depending on whether DDay happened earlier or later.

 

Just because it's a relationship doesn't mean it's a good fit. I'm sure you've tried on shoes or,clothing that seemed great but just didn't fit. Did you buy them anyway?

 

Keep looking.

 

 

I kept thinking maybe he is hiding something by having me. Not sure if that is what it is. but it seems to be, doesn't it? He is capable just like it infrequently and says the mornings are best. I am sure we can guess why, but I do not stay over and he has regularly asked me to stay the night. I do have my son at home and am not able to stay overnight as much as he likes. I did once and there still was nothing going on in the morning either. But he did wake up and make breakfast and coffee...so he likes the companionship that is all he is asking of me.

I did ask him if there is something that maybe he likes more than other stuff...but he said no. Said he is concentrating on retirement and work is his priority. I get that, kind of... Said he needs a female companion and is offering me EVERYTHING else. He wants to provide for me and spend time and have that "how was work" time and cook and do all the other things it is just in the bedroom he has no interest. It really sounds tempting. I have been single for 9 years and it isn't that I NEED that stuff but would be nice to have that. Nice to have someone to chat with and cuddle.....

I know it seems like I am jumping into it right off an A but in reality I haven't spent time with the MM for about a year or so, if is just now that I am trying to figure out my life and trying to lose the hope that I had to get back with him.

I know I need to "find myself" and this guy is offering me the support and company to get through it. I have been nothing but open with him and he me.

 

 

We are over the having kids age, so that is not an issue he has his and I have mine.

 

 

I always buy the shoes if they look good LOL even if they don't feel great.

[13Hearts]

I had an asexual live-in BF once. I always had to be the one to initiate. I tolerated it for a while but then it started wearing on my self-image. I started to feel unattractive. It is a soul-killer.

 

Don't do it.

 

If he wants to be your daddy from a distance and give you money, take you shopping, or pay your mortgage, fine. But don't give up your freedom, shack up with him, and take care of him, if he cannot or will not make your dreams come true. If he's not willing to make the effort, why should you?

[Bufo]

A year or 12 days NC? To be cautious I'd date the end of the A to last contact of any sort. So you aren't really past the A yet. Companionship is nice but just find and read some of the dead bedroom posts. Universally the one not wishing for a dead bedroom has grown increasingly frustrated with such a relationship.

 

One potential problem if you agree to his terms is that you will effectively be off the market and miss opportunities. Your choice.

 

You realize you'll sound like a MM telling your potential lover that you and SO don't have sex. If you have read anything here that is lie #1 that MM on the prowl tell. If I were a single man interested in you and heard that, I'd make like the Road Runner speeding away from Wylie E. Coyote.

 

Switching from cartoons to music:

 

Lyin' Eyes by the Eagles

Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town. Kenny Rogers

Dirty Work by Steely Dan

 

These are about men with unfaithful women. I cannot think of one that praises the celibate man/unfaithful woman relationship. Why do you think that is so?

I suspect they wouldn't be popular and therefore no hitmaker potential. In short what he promises may not be what he does in real life.

 

Finally (I promise) Google "sugar babies" to get some information on trading presence for support. Especially those whose relationship doesn't include sex.

[cobra148]

A year or 12 days NC? To be cautious I'd date the end of the A to last contact of any sort. So you aren't really past the A yet. Companionship is nice but just find and read some of the dead bedroom posts. Universally the one not wishing for a dead bedroom has grown increasingly frustrated with such a relationship.

 

One potential problem if you agree to his terms is that you will effectively be off the market and miss opportunities. Your choice.

 

You realize you'll sound like a MM telling your potential lover that you and SO don't have sex. If you have read anything here that is lie #1 that MM on the prowl tell. If I were a single man interested in you and heard that, I'd make like the Road Runner speeding away from Wylie E. Coyote.

 

Switching from cartoons to music:

 

Lyin' Eyes by the Eagles

Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town. Kenny Rogers

Dirty Work by Steely Dan

 

These are about men with unfaithful women. I cannot think of one that praises the celibate man/unfaithful woman relationship. Why do you think that is so?

I suspect they wouldn't be popular and therefore no hitmaker potential. In short what he promises may not be what he does in real life.

 

Finally (I promise) Google "sugar babies" to get some information on trading presence for support. Especially those whose relationship doesn't include sex.[/QUo

 

 

NC for 12 days. I will read up on it and see what I come up with.

 

 

Yes I know how it will sound. " yes im commited but no sex in years and he lets me go out and find what I need" and that is why I was thinking another MM is the answer for me but I don't want to get caught up in that emotional stuff again. Why cant it be simple. off to read....

[cobra148]

Killing me. But it is what it is.

 

 

My new Asexual guy is still around and yes it is not to easy for me to continue looking for sex elsewhere when it is hard enough to find anyone to relate too. Since I am spending time with him it is difficult to find anyone worth hanging out with. The other guy I was seeing didn't like the idea of being my side dude...so here I am stuck with Asexual guy and it is not all it looked like it would be.

[pooldog]

At least he showed you his truth and authenticity. Dating is like trying on dresses. When one doesn't fit, you take it off and go and find another one. Hang it up neatly and say no thank you. Be gracious. But onward ho! No drama. Keep going! Did you try the online dating sites? It is amazing what a nice natural photo with a dress and a smile and a few nice lines about who you are and what you want will do. Put you out there. Someone wonderful will snap you up!

 

Killing me. But it is what it is.

 

My new Asexual guy is still around and yes it is not to easy for me to continue looking for sex elsewhere when it is hard enough to find anyone to relate too. Since I am spending time with him it is difficult to find anyone worth hanging out with. The other guy I was seeing didn't like the idea of being my side dude...so here I am stuck with Asexual guy and it is not all it looked like it would be.

[pooldog]

I was going to suggest that you find and read a good dating book. Dating for marriage is hard. You have to put up a profile in online dating apps, socialize in meetups and classes, and go on dates to meet someone. Do not go exclusive until you see that there is true mutual interest and that the person is capable of a good relationship. Does he plan things ahead of time, call when he says he is going to call, not have addictions, etc. is he want you want.

 

To do anything less gets less results. It is work. But it is worth it. If one is not good it is okay. Everyone is different and different people have different matches. But dating is a wonderful way to be self aware, build confidence, find out what you want and avoid the messes that cause a lot of brain damage.

[cobra148]

I think I am going to take a month off and work on my comedy some and realax. I wasn't looking when I found these so maybe they will pop up. I despise on line dating...ugh I need serious help on my profiles cause I attract the worse of the worse but thank you

[Lobe]

" yes im commited but no sex in years and he lets me go out and find what I need" and that is why I was thinking another MM is the answer for me but I don't want to get caught up in that emotional stuff again. Why cant it be simple. off to read....

 

I'm so confused here - where do you make the leap from "I dated one asexual guy a few days after NC with my AP" to "the only man for me must be a MM?"

 

That's a really strange leap to make, cobra!

 

Look, I know it's daunting being single. I've not left an affair but I did end my first marriage and I was pretty sure I was going to die alone and lonely. It was impossible to feel hopeful or optimistic because the pain of the breakup weighed far too heavily on my heart, despite the fact it was an incredibly unhealthy relationship.

 

You can't be whole by finding someone to be your other half. That's outdated and flawed thinking - the best way to attract and retain a man is to be a whole person in the first place. Any person you date right now is likely to be a rebounder. Because you are feeling hopeless, you're likely going to make bad dating decisions because based on what you're saying here, you're sending out a beacon that says you're lonely and will take whatever you can get.

 

Are you in counselling at all? Or do you at least have someone you can talk to to help build you back up? I feel like you need to take it easy and give your heart some time to heal before you go diving headfirst into the murky waters of dating. Some self-care is in order. If you're mostly looking for sexual fulfillment, my question to you is why you need a man? Is it for intimacy and human connection? Validation for a bruised ego/esteem? Or strictly a physical desire for the Big O?

[DevotedBaker54]

That's great that you two communicate so well and he can be honest with you. Is this what you want from a relationship? He may be really kind and you may really like him, but if you're talking about "forever" and planning for your future, is this what you want?

I hope that you find a man who you are compatible with and who wants the same things as you You deserve a life of happiness and love, don't settle for anything less <3