LookAtThisPOst Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 I've met a couple of women like this. One I recently went out with said her last b/f had a lot of clutter around his home. She would often come over to clean and organize his place. Labor of love perhaps? Is this something single women do for their boyfriends, proactively? Most single women I meet avoid men like this like the plague. Any women in for or against this?
losangelena Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Why do most of your posts sound so judgemental against women? You do realize that if you want a relationship, it helps to actually like women. You probably won't believe me, but yes, I do that. I wouldn't go over to my ex's to specifically to clean, but I spent anywhere from 3 to 5 days a week at his place, a lot of times working from there, so you bet I'd wash dishes or clean up if it needed it. Because yes, I did love him, but also I like living in a tidy environment. I never did too much, because he didn't like me to do it, and I didn't want to come off too mom-like. 5
Els Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 (edited) Well, if you're in an established R and sleeping over at someone's place a lot you should contribute to the maintenance, which includes some of the cleaning/chores (this applies to both genders). But going over JUST to clean/organize? Ugh, no. Most of the time when I hear about a relationship that involves that in the early dating stages, it's usually a prelude to a LOT of drama and excessively early 'nesting' behaviour, or a sign of a man who likes to be 'mommy'ed. Edited July 12, 2016 by Elswyth 4
carhill Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Heh, my exW didn't particularly like cleaning the house even when we were married. IDK, it didn't bug me much to do it for the couple decades prior so I just kept doing it myself, though she did help out with the finer stuff that I missed. OP, some people like expressing love through acts of service, others in different ways. This presumes of course there is love involved. My take on this stuff is it comes down to the person themselves more than their partner or where they live. If they're a 'cleaner', that's who they are. The guy is a beneficiary of that style, augmented by any love they have for him. I was raised by a cleaner. Heck, she barely let me make my own bed. Good lady but twisted a little too tight in the cleaning area, IMO. My exW could vouch for that
MJJean Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Women just like clean. When DH and I were dating, we spent a lot of time at his friend,M's, apartment. So did the rest of the guys and their girlfriends. M never cleaned his apartment, so us GF's started doing it on a rotational basis since we spent so much time there with our BF's and the place was a sty. We just couldn't take it anymore, so we did something about it.
O'Malley Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 This isn't a gendered thing, women don't have housecleaning in their DNA anymore than men do. I can't imagine spending significant time at each other's homes and not contributing in some fashion, whether it's dishes, mutual laundry or general maintenance. Not fixing or organizing someone's lifestyle. My SO has his own place and isn't a clean freak like me but he has no issue with looking after my pets at my home, cleaning up my kitchen after cooking, etc. I do the same at his but he doesn't expect me to be his parent or a housekeeper. Caring for someone and wanting to help out a bit is a different matter than trying to fix a partner's living habits.
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 Why do most of your posts sound so judgemental against women? You do realize that if you want a relationship, it helps to actually like women. You probably won't believe me, but yes, I do that. I wouldn't go over to my ex's to specifically to clean, but I spent anywhere from 3 to 5 days a week at his place, a lot of times working from there, so you bet I'd wash dishes or clean up if it needed it. Because yes, I did love him, but also I like living in a tidy environment. I never did too much, because he didn't like me to do it, and I didn't want to come off too mom-like. Not being judgmental at all, I was wondering if others out there felt the same as I've met tons of women that are turned off by these kinds of guys. I think I've met 2 in my life that admitted to this. I've heard of women that once they walked into his place, they never went on a future date. She was like "Slob!" and never looked back. I actually commended them as they are unicorns! No hate here! lol
MissBee Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 (edited) I did this once. I did it because I had spent the night at his place and was staying until he next day, he was at work at the time, and I was gonna cook dinner and the kitchen was a mess and so was the living room and I was like hell no, I'm tired of looking at this mess, so I cleaned up. I did it mostly because I was tired of looking at it and partly for him.He was very surprised and happy. However, I wouldn't get into the habit personally of being a personal maid service and if I met a man now whose place was as filthy as my ex's I'd steer clear. Mess is fine. People get busy and may not prioritize cleaning but if it's chronic mess...I don't think so. I also don't like the whole your gf/wife is your substitute mom kinda thing, so I also wouldn't get in the habit of cleaning up after a grown man esp if it is his home and not even ours together. Edited July 12, 2016 by MissBee 3
Lady2163 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 About 15 years ago when I was mid to late 30s I was getting my degree at a college that specialized in catering to working adults. For several years I had the same classes as a man a few years younger than I was. We were both smokers and would often visit on breaks. One Thursday I asked him what he was doing for the weekend. His Saturday plans left me speechless. He worked M-F 8-5 and was in class M-Th, 530-10. On Saturday his girlfriend was coming over to his apartment. While he watched the college game, she would clean his apartment, do his laundry and ironing and make supper. Then they'd have "dessert" and she would go home. Sunday was his "day with the fellas". She also did his grocery shopping for him and often ran errands for him during the week. He said he did give her money to buy his groceries and usually tried to give her $10-20 more to cover has. I asked him if he loved her. No, not really. I asked him if he was going to marry her. Nope, definitely not. I was depressed for weeks after that. There's just no way I can compete with a with a woman who does that. I couldn't back then because of my schedule and I wouldn't now, because that's a horrible way to use someone and just waste their time. I even asked him sometime later before we graduated. "Hey - tell me the truth, no bull, you made all that up about your girlfriend doing all that, right?" I believe he wasn't just messing with me. That was the life she was willing to lead. The only way I'm going to do anything more than self-government (you know, picking up after myself, washing dishes I/we make together is if there is a reward in it for me. This reward would be more time spent together, doing things we both like and enjoy. I don't mind helping out once in a while - and I mean less than six times a year or in the event of a true emergency or medical problem. No - if I'm just a girlfriend and we don't live together, I'm not a maid or housekeeper.
rester Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 I've met a couple of women like this. One I recently went out with said her last b/f had a lot of clutter around his home. She would often come over to clean and organize his place. Labor of love perhaps? Is this something single women do for their boyfriends, proactively? Most single women I meet avoid men like this like the plague. Any women in for or against this? I've dated women that have done this. It's definitely not something to complain about! Sheesh. 1
Jabron1 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 I've met a couple of women like this. One I recently went out with said her last b/f had a lot of clutter around his home. She would often come over to clean and organize his place. Labor of love perhaps? Is this something single women do for their boyfriends, proactively? Most single women I meet avoid men like this like the plague. Any women in for or against this? It means she wants to be exclusive, his girlfirend. Simple as that, really. Unless she has some sort of OCD. It means that she is along the way. Simples. Be happy with this sort of chick, Christian man 1
RecentChange Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Hum. I used to clean my BF's house (and cook dinner from scratch while I was at it). Had nothing to do with being "proactive" or that he was a slob.... For one, like someone else said, "women like clean". Sure sure, there are some neat freak guys out there, but for the most part, if you have a house full of guys vs. a house full of gals - the women's house will be cleaner. Also, for all of the ways I am not traditional - I take joy in traditional duties, I find a clean home satisfying, and I enjoy cooking / feeding people. And - its not like I came over and cleaned the house or apartment of every guy I have ever dated - just one actually (and we moved in together 6 months later - been together ever since). We were in a LD relationship, I had fridays off from school, would travel to his place, tidy it up, cook some meals -and meet him when he came home after a long day of work. I enjoyed welcoming him back to a spruced up home, I had a tidy place to spend the long weekend, and he appreciated it.
MrDuck Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 My gf often cleans at my house. She is in no way a traditional gender role advocate, she would be just as likely to pick up the chainsaw as the hoover (in fact sometimes its hard to get her away from that chainsaw lol). Nor am i messy or my house dirty! It's home to three guys and my little boy, but we share chores and we keep it clean. I'm fairly tidy ......she's just super tidy! Haha! I'm a messy cook (i'll tidy up after) but she cant stand it so she'll be tidying around me. Or she'll just start tidying something that looks decent enough to me haha!
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 (edited) About 15 years ago when I was mid to late 30s I was getting my degree at a college that specialized in catering to working adults. For several years I had the same classes as a man a few years younger than I was. We were both smokers and would often visit on breaks. One Thursday I asked him what he was doing for the weekend. His Saturday plans left me speechless. He worked M-F 8-5 and was in class M-Th, 530-10. On Saturday his girlfriend was coming over to his apartment. While he watched the college game, she would clean his apartment, do his laundry and ironing and make supper. Then they'd have "dessert" and she would go home. Sunday was his "day with the fellas". She also did his grocery shopping for him and often ran errands for him during the week. He said he did give her money to buy his groceries and usually tried to give her $10-20 more to cover has. I asked him if he loved her. No, not really. I asked him if he was going to marry her. Nope, definitely not. I was depressed for weeks after that. There's just no way I can compete with a with a woman who does that. I couldn't back then because of my schedule and I wouldn't now, because that's a horrible way to use someone and just waste their time. I even asked him sometime later before we graduated. "Hey - tell me the truth, no bull, you made all that up about your girlfriend doing all that, right?" I believe he wasn't just messing with me. That was the life she was willing to lead. The only way I'm going to do anything more than self-government (you know, picking up after myself, washing dishes I/we make together is if there is a reward in it for me. This reward would be more time spent together, doing things we both like and enjoy. I don't mind helping out once in a while - and I mean less than six times a year or in the event of a true emergency or medical problem. No - if I'm just a girlfriend and we don't live together, I'm not a maid or housekeeper. Yeah, that's what I found unusual, I asked her, "Were you 2 living together?" and goes "Nope." Same situation, would help clean on the weekends, she had Fridays off, so when he was out of the house, she'd clean his place on Friday. And I'm like "If you're not living with him, why do you do it?" The reason they broke up, she claimed that he didn't have time for her, was too busy with work projects as he was self-employed. I think he was BS-ing her because she told me he sold stuff on Ebay out of his house and set up at flea markets...very leisurely life. When the broke up, he was telling his friends (which are still in contact with her), that "She stopped cleaning." as the reason. LOL When word got back to her, she wasn't happy. He played her for a sap. The other woman that did it for her man, apparently he got upset he moved his crap around and he couldn't find anything. THese guys have a great girlfriend, and this is how they treat them? Edited July 12, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst
MrDuck Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 The other woman that did it for her man, apparently he got upset he moved his crap around and he couldn't find anything. THese guys have a great girlfriend, and this is how they treat them? Her: How do you find anything with so much sh2t on this side.... honestly.... You're so messy *she tidies side table* [Next Morning] Me: Babe where's my car keys/ wallet/ ticket/ important object gone? Her: how would I know? ...honestly ...you're so messy Me: Babe they were on the side.. Her: Errr I don't remember *me turns whole house upside down searching* Her: ...honestly ...you're so messy This is basically every Monday morning in my house! I'm not some one who's fussy about stuff like that, it doesn't make me cranky but it would some guys. My brother would have a meltdown if someone moved all his stuff around! 1
basil67 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 What about the Love Language "Acts of Service"? If this is her language, then she's likely showing him how much she cares. 3
RecentChange Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Yep, forgot to mention it in my post, but I think "acts of service" is basically why I do it. I enjoy giving back massages as well. What's in it for me? Making them feel good. 1
Shining One Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 I completely understand all of the women who clean because they can't stand the mess. Every woman I've dated for a reasonable length of time ended up with incredibly neat cabling for all of their electronics because I couldn't stand looking at the cable mess any more. 4
Els Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 About 15 years ago when I was mid to late 30s I was getting my degree at a college that specialized in catering to working adults. For several years I had the same classes as a man a few years younger than I was. We were both smokers and would often visit on breaks. One Thursday I asked him what he was doing for the weekend. His Saturday plans left me speechless. He worked M-F 8-5 and was in class M-Th, 530-10. On Saturday his girlfriend was coming over to his apartment. While he watched the college game, she would clean his apartment, do his laundry and ironing and make supper. Then they'd have "dessert" and she would go home. Sunday was his "day with the fellas". She also did his grocery shopping for him and often ran errands for him during the week. He said he did give her money to buy his groceries and usually tried to give her $10-20 more to cover has. I asked him if he loved her. No, not really. I asked him if he was going to marry her. Nope, definitely not. I was depressed for weeks after that. There's just no way I can compete with a with a woman who does that. I couldn't back then because of my schedule and I wouldn't now, because that's a horrible way to use someone and just waste their time. I even asked him sometime later before we graduated. "Hey - tell me the truth, no bull, you made all that up about your girlfriend doing all that, right?" I believe he wasn't just messing with me. That was the life she was willing to lead. The only way I'm going to do anything more than self-government (you know, picking up after myself, washing dishes I/we make together is if there is a reward in it for me. This reward would be more time spent together, doing things we both like and enjoy. I don't mind helping out once in a while - and I mean less than six times a year or in the event of a true emergency or medical problem. No - if I'm just a girlfriend and we don't live together, I'm not a maid or housekeeper. I do feel sorry for her, but only to a certain extent, because surely the writing was on the wall. You spend the entire Saturday cleaning up HIS house while he watches a game with the buddies, and then Sunday is 'buddy time'? That girl kinda reminds me of a few doormat guys I've seen with girlfriends who were using them. The girls would ask for lots of expensive gifts, get the guy to do all their car/computer/etc maintenance for them... but would never really reciprocate in any fashion. Wouldn't even show the guy much affection. Naturally, when a guy they WERE attracted to shows up, they ditched the doormat immediately. That's why I've never believed in being excessively 'servicing', for either gender. If they love you, they wouldn't need it, and if they didn't, it wouldn't change anything. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 (edited) I dont think Id ever be called a doormat, but I've spent my whole life proactively doing stuff for women....Fixing cars, moving heavy stuff, giving money, etc.. Clean up??? ...Eh, knock yourselves out.... TFY Edited July 13, 2016 by thefooloftheyear
Els Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 I dont think Id ever be called a doormat, but I've spent my whole life proactively doing stuff for women....Fixing cars, moving heavy stuff, giving money, etc.. It's not being a doormat if it's reciprocated in some way. That's what I meant - it's totally fine to do things for loved ones within reason, but observe how they treat you as well. 2
preraph Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 Beyond stupid. And they're the same ones who'll expect them to magically grow up once they have a baby and help out. However you are acting at the start of the relationship when you're trying too hard, you will be stuck with forever if you stay together. So think hard about what you do because it's a life sentence. 1
jen1447 Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 What about men who proactively clean their women's homes?
Miss Peach Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 (edited) I don't see the point to this. I like a clean space but I have never cleaned a BF's place that I wasn't living with unless he asked me to do something specific (i.e., go through some things before a move). I always clean up after myself when I'm over at BF's house because I don't want to add extra work for him. It would feel like an invasion or lack of acceptance to me if someone tried to clean or organize my house. I don't do that to men I date and I give them space in their own home. I would understand something like doing dished together after cooking dinner but I'm not doing a man's laundry, cleaning his bathroom, etc. on a regular basis. If it were that bad and I was looking at him as a potential BF or husband then I would mark that as a potential incompatibility and figure out whether I could accept that. After having lived with 3 men, I've found the standards of the household tend to slide to the messier person unless the tidier person does more work. Ad for acts of service, I do many things in a relationship to give back. Edited July 15, 2016 by Miss Peach 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 If we're in a relationship, I may be prone to bouts of tidying up and helping to make his space more functional provided he didn't have any objections to it of course. But I would never do it with someone I'm just casually dating. No thanks.
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