So complicated. Gay, long distance, breaking up...together?

[AlexAD]

This is such a confusing long annoying situation but here she blows....

 

 

I am turning 32 in two months and in December I will have "been with" a girl that I love very much for two years, on and off. While I do "love her" though, there are all these " " floating around because she has not made things very easy since the beginning and I have had to question a lot and concurrently ask myself is this honestly what I want AT ALL anymore? Often- more often than not- I find myself saying no.

 

The problem therein lies with the usual, "but I love her," "but I'll miss her," "she is so beautiful," and comparison bull**** that makes me lose my mind. I don't understand it to be honest. I awfully hope no one has had to do this about me though I am sure others have - and that sucks. This is a horrible way to feel.

 

So I live in Florida and she lives in California and she is also 27, just turned this week. That makes our age difference 5 years. It's a big difference between her and I because she is pretty immature. She has been babied her entire life and whereas I am more independent there is a lot she doesn't know how to do and looks to me for help with. Maybe I like that? Who knows- I've never minded it- except when it's not appreciated it.

 

The distance for us was never that bad except that she did not come to see me as much as I would come to see her but my job was far more flexible. That part of our relationship was not terrible but it began to wane on me at times because it was not kind in that she missed a lot of my life and things about me - meeting my family, my pets, seeing who I am. In two years she's been to Florida three times- and when I lost my cushy job and ability to travel freely while working - that pretty much ended things for her and I to be honest. If I wasn't doing the work- we didn't see one another and now since February when I ended the exclusive aspect of "us" and haven't gone there, neither of us have seen one another. That's bull****.

 

Now all of the sudden- we talk on and off and mostly fight- but she sees I'm

With someone else and goes crazy. She invites me to come there, telling me she loves me blah blah- and me too- I do, but - I got all wrapped up again and the second I wanted anything more than she had given me it turned into me "sabotaging" her career bc she has "stress."

 

It really pissed me off you know- and when I heard that **** I just lost it and told her to stay out of my life. Point being- once and for all I need her gone. I can see this isn't healthy at all- she starts yelling at me in the morning then- how she hates me and to leave HER alone but then how I can't answer her calls and need to ignore her....so basically-'I am responsible for ignoring her and making sure she can't contact me? That's such an unfair load of ****. So she loves me and wants me - but im supposed to push her away for her and for

Me? The whole thing makes me very upset. I love her and I've never loved or felt so sexually connected to someone but the pain this causes me and space it's taking up in my life is horrible.

 

I want kids and someone who loves me like I love her.

I know she loves me- but it's not always enough. I miss the way she used to make me feel or the way she does in person. Ugh. What do I do- how do I get away from this? I would have moved to LA...married her....hard babies with her.....I just don't get it- how can she want me but not want me at all