shewilltryherbest Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Hello, My name is "K" and I am on day 1 of NC. Well, I'm on hour 2 of NC. I don't really know where to start so I'll try. This is the 4th time I've put myself in this predicament. If it wasn't one guy, it was another. This last one was a huge doozy though and I'm pretty sure I fell in love with him. I work in advertising and am pretty well known in my industry across North America. The guy is in the same biz and we are well known together as a couple. We did shows together, were known as a couple, and looked like we had it all from the outside. Except, it was all a sham. He acted like it was all good, people called me his girlfriend but he told me I wasn't. We are both from different countries but had met in another country to do work. I travelled there five times for different TV shows and each time I fell harder and harder. I though he had but I was wrong. We slept together and it was amazing. I don't find many guys attractive and I have major dad issues so obviously I'm attracted to the wrong thing. He's a player, he has women falling all over him but of course I thought I was "special". At first, he told me I was the one and that I was marriage material and he showered me with attention. He even publicly said how great I was. Right now, I'm on all of his advertising material - there's even a video about how much he cares about me where he's almost in tears. I ate it all up and fell hard. Three days ago, he went back home to his country - I asked him where we stood and he said that we are just friends until he gets his stuff in order. He's overwhelmed with work and life and can't handle a relationship. To me, if you really love the person you're with you make it work - no matter what. It doesn't matter where you are. This time, I'm trying to make it work as I'm trying to do all the right steps to go NC. I have blocked him on all social media and I've been contemplating blocking his cell number - I don't know why that is hard for me to do. It's like that lest thread of hope. I wish he'd just come begging back to me but I know it's not going to happen. He has about 10 - 15 girls falling over him all the time - like a fan club - and before I could handle it cause I thought it was all a persona, but it's not. He loves the attention. I deleted him and all of our mutual friends - about 40 people. We do some work together but that work isn't worth my pain. I've almost been suicidal over this, but I never would actually be - I love my kids way too much - and that would be 100% selfish but I can see how people can get to that point. Mental anguish is so terrible. I took 4 chlonazepam to chill out and it's helping but I know it's a bandaid. My questions to you are what should I do to make this easier on myself? I see a doctor, I'm on medication, I went for a big walk today and I'm taking my daughter to a class later on today - but I burst into tears for no reason and i don't want to tell her why (she's 8). I can't listen to music without freaking out and I see his car everywhere I go - there are so many coincidences - like it drives me mad. I just feel so low. I should mention that my husband passed away 5 years ago and he's the one I have children with. I was able to get through that but I think I burried it but dating other people. I'm not sure what else to say but I didn't know who to turn too. I look forward to meeting some of you.
RecentChange Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 You mention a doctor and medication, but have you been seeing a therapist or counselor? Someone who can help you with some coping skills beyond medication? Also, learning about your patterns and WHY you have ended up in this situation cab be empowering .
ChickiePops Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Kinda sounds like he was using you to give himself a good image in your industry. NC for good, take a break from dating and focus on evening yourself out. Also 4 clonazepam is a LOT..like a dangerous amount...I take half of one and I'm fine. 1
Neel Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 @shewilltryherbest Yes, NC is always recommended, for the deepest purpose of it, is to make the other one,who acts in such ugly way, understand why he shouldn't. I wouldn't suggest blocking though, just for the reason, there is no actual reason. NC is all of it good, but i say you exclude blocking. For apparent reasons. To me, if you really love the person you're with you make it work - no matter what. It doesn't matter where you are. This is very, very true, i also do believe that. The best way to make yourself feel better, is starting building little by little "positive" apathy. Stop giving yourself away, to all of this and start doing things. Whatever you like the most. By building this kind of apathy i mentioned, you will manage achieving two things: 1)You can balance yourself (yes of course something misses), 2)You will be able to decide how to act if he comes back. Obviously, now you have to turn and follow a different pattern regarding him. Above all, strive for balance. Even if you are together with someone, does not mean that this is it. Again, you have to try for balance.It is all a trial.You just now experiencing the negative side of it. At this time,you must focus only on yourself.
Author shewilltryherbest Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 You mention a doctor and medication, but have you been seeing a therapist or counselor? Someone who can help you with some coping skills beyond medication? Also, learning about your patterns and WHY you have ended up in this situation cab be empowering . Great advice about the therapist, I live in Canada so it costs about $170 per hour to get therapy. I know i need to get it - Im wondering if there's a place where I can get sliding scale. Do you think I should check myself in?
Author shewilltryherbest Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 Kinda sounds like he was using you to give himself a good image in your industry. NC for good, take a break from dating and focus on evening yourself out. Also 4 clonazepam is a LOT..like a dangerous amount...I take half of one and I'm fine. You're right, it's way too much - I think I just wanted to sleep it all away. This is why I'm wondering if I should go into a hospital for awhile. I'm abusing myself to get over this. And it hurts cause I know he just doesn't care. How can he act so one way and then so another. He was trying out for all these parts in Los Angeles and I was left by the wayside. Today I just messaged him and was like what do you think about us, what should I consider us, and he was like WTF, I talked to you about this before _ I don't know what we can be until I'm settled in my new country. But screw that, you either like me now or never. I'm not 2nd best. I'm 33 years old, he's 27 - he has 21 girls all over him - it's like go ahead, get those girls - I'm the real deal, I cared about you as a person, I wanted the best for you but I guess he's not ready for that. I'm going to just do NC and move on. I've blocked all the social media - I just have to do the texting. Why is it harder to do that?
Author shewilltryherbest Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 Today is Day 2 of NC - well almost, today in the afternoon it will officially be day 2 - I feel like a complete mess. I know he is back home in his country and I know he probably thinks I'm an emotional wreck (which I am) but I still can't help but feeling so sad. I don't know how sad is normal in situations like these. I have an offer to take on a new job but it's one of the most depressing jobs ever - but the pay is good - and I need the money. But I don't know if my mental health could handle it. It's another advertising job and it would get me out of the house - but it might not even be an option right now. I guess I should see my dr. Before making any big decisions The thing I'm wondering is how to deal with my children. They are 9 and 12 and old enough to know something is up. I've told them I have a headache for a day but they are going to understand. What should I say? They knew who this guy was but they didn't know the whole story. How stupid was I to think something like this would work. He told me he'd move to my country and I ate it all up like some puppy dog. I'm so disgusted with my self worth and self loathing. I can't believe how low i feel - it's not normal. I'm waiting for my dr to call back but haven't heard.
Author shewilltryherbest Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 I just read this in another thread: "He has moved on so quickly because he was never truly invested in the relationship the way you were. That is why it he was able to up and go. I believe you gave and gave because you were hoping that he would give back and you were hoping that if you showed him how wonderful you were, he'd love you or give you what you deserved. I think you already knew in the relationship that his investment was very shallow. I think you just didn't want to accept it. Instead of stepping back and saying STOP, you gave more. " This is exactly me. I was so invested in this relationship - I was so invested that I saw things that weren't there. It's not even his fault - I made the stuff up in my head. The most he did was sleep with me, and I know I became more emotionally invested in him when that happened, but that was it. I flew to see him twice and he didn't promise me anything. I just assumed. Although I have to say in the beginning he talked about marriage, about him moving to my country and a bunch of other stuff. There are videos all over the net professing his love for me which is so bad for me because I have to force myself not to look at them. I just don't get why it was so easy to love me and leave me. I guess he didn't love me, I was just a placeholder while he was in town. It still hurts like hell. I know he's travelling and I know he'll be in a different time zone than me soon - and I'm not going to figure out what it is so I don't sit and wonder what he's doing. Before I knew he was a few hours behind so I could imagine him in bars in Los Angeles or wherever, now I won't have to think that. I'm never dating a womanizer again. I'm never dating someone where I think I'm the "special" one again. I'm a full grown woman and should have known better. A friend of mine is suggesting I go to LA - I'm still contemplating the hospital (mental hospital) as my life is becoming unmanagable at this point - I have children and they have amazing grandparents to look after them but I just can't go on. I can't go on living this way anymore.
Author shewilltryherbest Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 Oh and today is basically day 2 (officially) for me. Yay for me!
Apparition Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 I'm currently in the same boat with regards to being strung along and made to believe it was something more by actions, but then believing it was all false by words. There isn't much to say besides you will need to keep yourself busy and put your entire strength into overcoming this situation you've got yourself into. It's so hard and everyone who has been through heartbreak can not express enough how difficult it truly is. I've had broken ribs, dislocated shoulder and without a doubt I can say that heartbreak is the worst kind of pain I have ever experienced in my life. Hang in there and take care of yourself, it's times like this where we need to be kind to ourselves and be our own best friend.
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