RazorsEdge0620 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I really like this girl at the gym. I go in and every day I flirt with her. She flirts back with me such as I’ll say, “did you miss me?” and she’ll respond “yes, I didn’t know where you were.” Then things got better, over a two week period where she would give me hugs with her head on my chest when I left the gym. So I asked her out and she, without any hesitation said “yes.” Then for complicated reasons, which I won’t go into here, I didn’t go back into the gym for the next 10 days. After the 10 days when I did go in to speak to her to set up a time she said “I’m kinda busy now” (seemed freaked out). I asked her if she wanted me to ask again and she nodded yes. Did I blow it?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I really like this girl at the gym. I go in and every day I flirt with her. She flirts back with me such as I’ll say, “did you miss me?” and she’ll respond “yes, I didn’t know where you were.” Then things got better, over a two week period where she would give me hugs with her head on my chest when I left the gym. So I asked her out and she, without any hesitation said “yes.” Then for complicated reasons, which I won’t go into here, I didn’t go back into the gym for the next 10 days. After the 10 days when I did go in to speak to her to set up a time she said “I’m kinda busy now” (seemed freaked out). I asked her if she wanted me to ask again and she nodded yes. Did I blow it? So, you asked her out and then waited 10 days to actually follow up? That's too long, so yes, I'd say you made a bad impression. It looks like you're not actually interested in her. But then you asked if you could ask her out again - so did you? If not, you're about to blow your second chance too. 7
BikerAccnt Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Yeah, probably. Unless you have a very legitimate reason for disappearing and waiting 10 days. And if you do, she's going to need to know what it was, at least in a general way, to feel good about accepting another offer from you. 3
kendahke Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Yeah, you blew it. You asked her out then ghosted on her. That would put anyone off. How was it you didn't have her phone number to keep in touch with her for 10 days? 2
basil67 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I really like this girl at the gym. I go in and every day I flirt with her. She flirts back with me such as I’ll say, “did you miss me?” and she’ll respond “yes, I didn’t know where you were.” Then things got better, over a two week period where she would give me hugs with her head on my chest when I left the gym. So I asked her out and she, without any hesitation said “yes.” Then for complicated reasons, which I won’t go into here, I didn’t go back into the gym for the next 10 days. After the 10 days when I did go in to speak to her to set up a time she said “I’m kinda busy now” (seemed freaked out). I asked her if she wanted me to ask again and she nodded yes. Did I blow it? If your reason for not going back to the gym is solid, she'll probably get over it. At least she appears to be giving you another chance. So when are you going out and I really hope you got her number this time! Do not let anything stop you from taking her out this time
leogirl876 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Yes you blew it, and please don't ever ask a girl that you barely know "did you miss me?" I hate it when guy's say that to me because it implies you're a narcissist and everything's all about you. Act humble, act like you're into her and that she's beautiful and ask her out. 1
Author RazorsEdge0620 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 So, you asked her out and then waited 10 days to actually follow up? That's too long, so yes, I'd say you made a bad impression. It looks like you're not actually interested in her. But then you asked if you could ask her out again - so did you? If not, you're about to blow your second chance too. Thank you! The complicated issue that holds me back is that my wife passed away in my arms from cancer. We were in love. Even though years have past I find it very difficult to approach other women as I still feel guilty, as I still feel married. Her family has always kept in touch and have encouraged me to date others and not be lonely, however easier said then done. When women respond positive, its like my defense mechanisms take over and I get very fearful and act stupid and shine them on; then make excuses such as they are being immature, flakey or oh, their just leading me on, etc., or I'm not wanting to be tied down, etc. Million excuses! It goes on, I bury myself in work and work long hours trying to isolate myself from having to approach and date women (I'm not gay!) but yet very lonely and feeling empty. I'm not bragging, I'm reasonably attractive, tall and athletic and I get hit upon by women at the gym, work, church, at the super market it goes on and on! Before you recommend counseling I been through many throughout the years: at church, lay personnel and doctors. Seems its engrained in my persona. Sad because I really like the girl, she smiles ear to ear when she sees me and she a good person inside and out. Thanks.
Author RazorsEdge0620 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Yes you blew it, and please don't ever ask a girl that you barely know "did you miss me?" I hate it when guy's say that to me because it implies you're a narcissist and everything's all about you. Act humble, act like you're into her and that she's beautiful and ask her out. See response to ExpatinItaly
Author RazorsEdge0620 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Yeah, you blew it. You asked her out then ghosted on her. That would put anyone off. How was it you didn't have her phone number to keep in touch with her for 10 days? I didn't ask for her phone number.
JMazza1015 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 You should have made a date on the spot. I think the problem lies in when you asked her again. Maybe you didn't ask her the second time with confidence. Idk. usually when a girl says she wants to go out you should ask when she's free on the spot or at least tell her you won't be free for another ten days and you'll call her then. . All you can do now is wait and if she gives you heavy signs maybe ask again. But I think her attraction to you has dropped after this. 1
BlueIris Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I didn't ask for her phone number. She might be thinking this: you aren't asking her out so you're just asking if she WOULD go out with you to make you feel good. Twice she's said she WOULD go out with you but you haven't bothered to ask her out. Next time: Would you like to go out sometime? Sure! How would you like to get together for a quick dinner and a movie this Friday night? Oh, no, I can't Friday. What day is good for you? Much much easier and more successful method. 1
Author RazorsEdge0620 Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 (edited) She might be thinking this: you aren't asking her out so you're just asking if she WOULD go out with you to make you feel good. Twice she's said she WOULD go out with you but you haven't bothered to ask her out. Next time: Would you like to go out sometime? Sure! How would you like to get together for a quick dinner and a movie this Friday night? Oh, no, I can't Friday. What day is good for you? Much much easier and more successful method. I tried a similar approach when I went back in to the gym after being out 10 days from when I first asked her and she said "yes." "Hi, would you like to set a time and date to get together for coffee?" Well, I've been pretty busy. "Does that mean "no"." She just nodded her head no as it didn't mean "no." "Well why did you say "yes" when I first asked? You should have said no if you were too busy, there's no harm it wouldn't have hurt me." (insecure moment on my part!). I asked: "do you want me to ask again?" (another insecure moment on my part). She again nodded up and down as to indicate "yes." All during this conversation she was smiling, quite but she did looked different, like she was frightened, not her usual upbeat vivacious personality. Edited July 12, 2016 by RazorsEdge0620 wrong word used
BlueIris Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 I tried a similar approach when I went back in to the gym after being out 10 days from when I first asked her and she said "yes." "Hi, would you like to set a time and date to get together for coffee?" Well, I've been pretty busy. "Does that mean "no"." She just nodded her head no as it didn't mean "no." "Well why did you say "yes" when I first asked? You should have said no if you were too busy, there's no harm it wouldn't have hurt me." (insecure moment on my part!). I asked: "do you want me to ask again?" (another insecure moment on my part). She again nodded up and down as to indicate "yes." All during this conversation she was smiling, quite but she did looked different, like she was frightened, not her usual upbeat vivacious personality. Oh. Well, yeah, it sounds as though she felt brushed off when you didn't follow up or set a date soon after the non-committal sort-of-invitation. She was probably hurt or skeptical that you might be going with her, or that you see her as a second choice. (Think about how often people post exactly those conclusions when someone "flakes" or "ghosts." It's what people often think.) At this exchange, I think it would have been better to stick your neck out a little. Well, I've been pretty busy. "Does that mean "no"." She just nodded her head no as it didn't mean "no." Hear her feelings and hesitation there. I think she was a bit hurt. You got a confrontational instead of inviting. Be inviting instead. Maybe say something more like: Well, I'd really like to take you out. Would you like to set a time? or could I call you? Give people positive options for sealing the deal. (It's a contract negotiation and mediation technique- ha!) You did blow her off. Respect that, own it, and if you want to still go forward with her, you'll have to demonstrate your interest. But I wonder- do you really care? After all, you did blow her off and then got confrontational. If you don't really care, forget everything I just said.
mikeylo Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 You are a commitment phobe. You will make a mess of this situation at every step. If therapy hasn't helped , find someone who is as CP as you or doesn't want a serious relationship.
VeveCakes Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Don't ask girls out at the gym, it's a gym not a bar. Bleh.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 OP, I am sorry for your loss. That must have been terrible and I can see how that has affected you deeply. Having said that, given your reaction to a positive invitation for a date - you are not ready to date yet. Not to lecture, but if you can't even make it past the "asking-out" stage without running away, a relationship will be impossible. Also, your follow-up 10 days later was quite confrontational in tone. You need to check yourself on that. The girl felt blown off and you got your back up. That is not the way forward. I would suggest you do more inner work before you attempt dating again. I don't mean that as a criticism, as I have also lost a significant other, but your behaviour in this situation clearly indicates you aren't ready. 3
morrowrd Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Are you sure you know what you want? Not going back after 10 days, sounds out of place - did you not ask for her number? Maybe this time around you might want that "just in case you can't make up your mind again."
Miss Clavel Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 All during this conversation she was smiling, quite but she did looked different, like she was frightened, not her usual upbeat vivacious personality. that's her liar face. you lied, she lied. take her somewhere nearby, sit down with her and tell her why you avoided her. cuz, you did. you told us. tell her. then, don't listen to her response. watch her face. good luck
BaileyB Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 (edited) I say try again but not if you are going to be confrontational with her. Just be honest with her - tell her that you're sorry it's taken so long to get back to her but that you would really like to see her again and take her for dinner/movie/whatever. When the time is right, dont be afraid to tell a woman about your experience. I've had a similar experience with my mom... It changes you. And it takes a long time to deal with the grief. It's good that you are trying to date again but I can imagine that it will be baby steps for a while. Dont be too hard on yourself. When you find the right girl, she will understand. I agree with expat, I think you have a little more work to do until you are ready. But, it will happen for you again someday, I hope. I wish you all the best. Edited July 12, 2016 by BaileyB
Dark Horse Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 OP, you are a total noob. But that's okay because i'm a noob too. But a wise man on Runescape once told me that you have to start at level 1 before you can reach level 99. And thus began my journey towards 99 agility... Anyways, best of luck with dating. I'm still trying to find my future gf so we can pwn noobs together and listen to deathmetal screamo while we make passionate love in my moms minivan. Seriously no joke
smackie9 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 I feel your problem is that you think way too far ahead. There's nothing wrong with just "going out" just for the company. You don't have to commit to anything, even tho some may have "expectations" of future dates, you don't have to expect anything it's just a first date. OP it only takes one time to see it's all in your head. Go with the flow.
Author RazorsEdge0620 Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 (edited) OP, I am sorry for your loss. That must have been terrible and I can see how that has affected you deeply. Having said that, given your reaction to a positive invitation for a date - you are not ready to date yet. Not to lecture, but if you can't even make it past the "asking-out" stage without running away, a relationship will be impossible. Also, your follow-up 10 days later was quite confrontational in tone. You need to check yourself on that. The girl felt blown off and you got your back up. That is not the way forward. I would suggest you do more inner work before you attempt dating again. I don't mean that as a criticism, as I have also lost a significant other, but your behaviour in this situation clearly indicates you aren't ready. Thank you Expat for your replies as they hit a nerve. I am an arrogant SOB, which I've been told by many, coupled with the "Germanic" stubbornness does not make for a good combination which explains why I was confrontational with her. I know its not very "manly" of me to admit, but I'm scared. I know I should grab myself by the balls and remind myself that I am a man, but I'm just being honest with you. I've not dated anyone since my wife's passing and this girl is the first that I established a friendship before asking her out, as we had spoken to each other a lot prior. When I asked her out and she said "yes," that evening I felt such panic like I was standing next to a cliff. I know you told me I'm not ready to date yet, but how can I salvage this with her as she is a very nice person inside and out. I know its an uphill battle as I've been a jerk. Edited July 12, 2016 by RazorsEdge0620
Author RazorsEdge0620 Posted July 14, 2016 Author Posted July 14, 2016 Thank you Expat for your replies as they hit a nerve. I am an arrogant SOB, which I've been told by many, coupled with the "Germanic" stubbornness does not make for a good combination which explains why I was confrontational with her. I know its not very "manly" of me to admit, but I'm scared. I know I should grab myself by the balls and remind myself that I am a man, but I'm just being honest with you. I've not dated anyone since my wife's passing and this girl is the first that I established a friendship before asking her out, as we had spoken to each other a lot prior. When I asked her out and she said "yes," that evening I felt such panic like I was standing next to a cliff. I know you told me I'm not ready to date yet, but how can I salvage this with her as she is a very nice person inside and out. I know its an uphill battle as I've been a jerk. Bump*Bump*
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