Girlfriend going to dinner with a guy we both "don't know that well"?

[reid_3567]

Thank you! I really appreciate you summing it all up here. It helps me see the situation quite a lot and it's really sad, honestly.

 

What would you suggest I do at this point? She told me "hell no I would never cheat, and that she loves me and misses me so much". I can see similarities in your ex and this situation but I don't wish to believe that she is like that. She has had a cheating bf in the past and she absolutely despises cheaters (you have no idea).

 

To clarify a few things and play devil's advocate:

 

1. She's in a foreign country, and had her family member's basic disposable phone. Her phone she did not bring because she was afraid she would lose it (she doesn't usually bring it going out even with her relatives). So this may explain why I didn't get anything.

 

2. Exactly. It is partly my fault for saying "just go hang out". It is unusual that she would travel such a distance, but this is normally the distance since she is currently in the countryside. Otherwise, she's stuck in her little countryside and is bored half to death. Would you say this makes it slightly less unusual if in order to have any kind of fun, she would have to travel usually? I'm going to ask her what ultimately made her go even though I said for her to go (because she doesn't usually get into awkward situations by herself).

 

3. I will confront her about this and ask her why she wasn't a bit more fierce and allowed it to happen.

 

4. I am wondering the same thing too. She said she feels sorry about his work hours, and she mentioned it randomly while texting me out of nowhere. She said he was on a conference call at 11pm even while they were out. Perhaps that's why she mentioned it?

 

5. For this I will ask too.

 

I'm bad at speaking to my girlfriend without pissing her off with my wording, like earlier I accused her of "testing the waters" to which she got absolutely pissed back at me.

 

Could you help me see how I can frame these to ask her for a genuine reaction without accusing her? Thanks!!

 

My advice is to think about the bigger picture.

 

If this is a fundamental issue in the relationship for you (i.e. you don't want your girlfriend to involve herself in this type of situation - which is a perfectly legitimate stance), then you need to have a candid talk with her about it. Assure her that whilst in general you do not have not problem with her having friends either (or any) sex, that you find this particular set of circumstances unacceptable. Be open, be kind, be calm. But be firm in your convictions.

 

The situation won't resolve itself instantly, and don't expect it to. She may get angry, upset, confused, hurt, or sorry. She may get all of these things. But give it time to process.

 

Once the dust has settled, listen intently to what she says. Consider her actions carefully. Don't accept platitudes - she must recognise there is an issue and empathise with you even if she doesn't understand why you are upset. Are you content that she has taken your concerns seriously and has a genuine desire to keep what you both have?

 

If the answer is no, then it is not her fault. You just have to accept that you may not be compatible, despite how much you may love her. And you will have retained your dignity in the process by being honest and decent about it.

 

If the answer is yes, then great. You might find that open communication will bring you closer together.

[veggirl]

Your gf needs to grow up and learn the word "no". Seriously she is 25 and acting like a nervous 12 year old. How long is this LDR continuing anyway...is there an end date where you'll be local?

[phineas]

Your gf needs to grow up and learn the word "no". Seriously she is 25 and acting like a nervous 12 year old. How long is this LDR continuing anyway...is there an end date where you'll be local?

 

I think OP stated one week.

If true then a "friendly face" is out the window since in a week she will see OP.

 

This is why I will only do FWB with people more than an hr away.

[crazyquestions11]

Thanks for the replies. Yes it would be in about two weeks, but she also lives in s different state so we would be LDR for quite some time with visits about every month or month and a half.

 

We had a talk and basically I believe I overreacted. Though I may never find the truth, I believe her in what she says.

 

Essentially we both thought he was taken. So it wasn't harmful at first cause we assumed he wanted a familiar face to chill with and her too.

 

Then things got muddy when he said he broke up with his ex but it was too late to turn back for her. She rejected all his advances and repeatedly told him she was taken.

 

She reassured me that had we known that he was single, this wouldn't even have happened. Promise. We also agreed in the future to only hang out with members of the opposite sex we know well, or if it's for work reasons. Otherwise no.

 

She said to not worry and that I was thinking way beyond the actual situation and that there was not even much to worry about because she has it under control. She is being nice because she asked me if I would say no to someone if they were nice and you didn't want to be a dick. So I see where this is coming from.

 

A total misconception at first between my gf and I about the guy being taken. It changed everything when he actually was single. But it was too late as stated.

 

Im going to give this one a freebie, because it took an unexpected turn that we both didn't expect. She did well given the circumstances (had no choice but to follow him to change out of his suit really). Think about how awkward it would have been saying "no thanks I'll browse around" when she had no phone and no sense of direction in the city. It also automatically guilts the guy of being a creep. So she wouldn't

Edited July 13, 2016 by crazyquestions11

[PegNosePete]

Though I may never find the truth, I believe her in what she says.

Then my friend, I have a bridge to sell you. You are a class A sucker if you believe her story and believe that she acted appropriately and respectfully.

 

Essentially we both thought he was taken. So it wasn't harmful at first cause we assumed he wanted a familiar face to chill with and her too.

Do you really think guys who have a gf can't hit on other women? Seriously?

 

She rejected all his advances and repeatedly told him she was taken.

What do you mean all his advances?

 

At the first sign of one advance, she should have SHUT HIM DOWN totally. I mean, "I have a BF, I am not interested. If you hit on me one more time then I will leave". And when he did inevitably hit on her again (since that is the whole reason he was there, as we all said all along), then she should get up and walk out. That is how a respectful woman would act.

 

It changed everything when he actually was single.

No, it changes nothing. Guys who are not single also hit on chicks, often. I am amazed that you didn't know this? How do you think affairs start?

 

She did well given the circumstances

No, she did terribly. She should have walked out as soon as she realised his true intentions. But instead she stayed in a totally inappropriate situation where this guy was repeatedly trying to hit on her.

[Miss Clavel]

she has issues. "nice" issues. she doesn't want to go to his apartment, alone with him but she does it anyway??

 

she's very very lucky that once he got her alone he didn't attack her.

 

at the very least she's a fool. all the advice out there says to meet a "stranger" for the first time in a busy place. not to get in their car or go to their place.

 

 

hellloooooo???

[Lorenza]

she has issues. "nice" issues. she doesn't want to go to his apartment, alone with him but she does it anyway??

 

she's very very lucky that once he got her alone he didn't attack her.

 

at the very least she's a fool. all the advice out there says to meet a "stranger" for the first time in a busy place. not to get in their car or go to their place.

 

 

hellloooooo???

 

Yeah, I agree with this actually. Very foolish to go to his apartment right away, there are so many stories about how such things can end.

[phineas]

Thanks for the replies. Yes it would be in about two weeks, but she also lives in s different state so we would be LDR for quite some time with visits about every month or month and a half.

 

We had a talk and basically I believe I overreacted. Though I may never find the truth, I believe her in what she says.

 

Essentially we both thought he was taken. So it wasn't harmful at first cause we assumed he wanted a familiar face to chill with and her too.

 

Then things got muddy when he said he broke up with his ex but it was too late to turn back for her. She rejected all his advances and repeatedly told him she was taken.

 

She reassured me that had we known that he was single, this wouldn't even have happened. Promise. We also agreed in the future to only hang out with members of the opposite sex we know well, or if it's for work reasons. Otherwise no.

 

She said to not worry and that I was thinking way beyond the actual situation and that there was not even much to worry about because she has it under control. She is being nice because she asked me if I would say no to someone if they were nice and you didn't want to be a dick. So I see where this is coming from.

 

A total misconception at first between my gf and I about the guy being taken. It changed everything when he actually was single. But it was too late as stated.

 

Im going to give this one a freebie, because it took an unexpected turn that we both didn't expect. She did well given the circumstances (had no choice but to follow him to change out of his suit really). Think about how awkward it would have been saying "no thanks I'll browse around" when she had no phone and no sense of direction in the city. It also automatically guilts the guy of being a creep. So she wouldn't

 

Why are you with her?

How many times a yr do you actually see her with your own eyes?

How long are you going to live like this?

 

I seriously doubt this will be the last time such a situation will present itself.

 

I personally would cut my losses and find a woman. I can touch at least every other day .

Ldrs don't work.

 

Yeah you have 5 people on thensite with anecdotal examples and know someone who knew someone that did it and it did work.

 

Well most of the ones I've seen ended badly because someone got tired of being alone all the time and cheated.

[Empyrea]

I'm seriously disturbed by the responses in this thread. Is the general assumption that any person who is in a happy, committed, exclusive relationship when left alone with another person of the opposite sex will absolutely have no self control and definitely engage in something inappropriate? Seriously? What happened to this one little thing.. kind of important in relationships.. what's it called now.. oh yeah, TRUST.

 

Sheesh. OP, unless you have reason to doubt your gf, don't. You seem to have a good thing going with being honest and upfront in your communication - keep it up!

[rester]

I'm seriously disturbed by the responses in this thread. Is the general assumption that any person who is in a happy, committed, exclusive relationship when left alone with another person of the opposite sex will absolutely have no self control and definitely engage in something inappropriate? Seriously? What happened to this one little thing.. kind of important in relationships.. what's it called now.. oh yeah, TRUST.

 

Sheesh. OP, unless you have reason to doubt your gf, don't. You seem to have a good thing going with being honest and upfront in your communication - keep it up!

 

I feel the same way but we are apparently in the minority.

[MidwestUSA]

I feel the same way but we are apparently in the minority.

 

Nope, I'm right here with you. Wanna get a drink?

[VeveCakes]

The thing is for you things changed because he didn't have a gf any longer. So once he was single the possibility of him hitting on her was there... so basically she knew he was attracted to her anyways but felt safe because he had a gf. This is so naive.

 

I'm also bothered by her travelling so far to meet him.

 

But glad you moved past this and hope nothing occurs again in the future.

[anna121]

Nope, I'm right here with you. Wanna get a drink?

 

Count me in too.

 

I could never be in a relationship characterized by the possessiveness, control and general misanthropic attitude in many of these responses.

[SwordofFlame]

She said to not worry and that I was thinking way beyond the actual situation and that there was not even much to worry about because she has it under control. She is being nice because she asked me if I would say no to someone if they were nice and you didn't want to be a dick. So I see where this is coming from.

 

She did well given the circumstances (had no choice but to follow him to change out of his suit really). Think about how awkward it would have been saying "no thanks I'll browse around" when she had no phone and no sense of direction in the city. It also automatically guilts the guy of being a creep. So she wouldn't

 

Wow I must be a complete a**hole, but going along with those things just for the sake of being nice is complete overkill. It sounds like your girlfriend is really naive and way too much of a people pleaser.

[lolablue17]

You say you both agreed that dating a guy who has a girlfriend is different from dating a single guy... Ha Ha Ha... Come on... []

 

I thought that you will both use this incident to learn something for the future. That knowledge is what you came up with? Ye, right... Like guys who have a girlfriend NEVER hit on other girls.

 

Me and everyone else here knew from the beginning that for him, it was a date, and for your Gf? Well I bet she kind of knew also that for him it's a date, but she didn't care. She was not going to cheat, but she thought that dating a guy who will try to hit on her is not cheating.

 

At least she knows now that you're not comfortable with these kind of things, a lesson for the future.

Edited July 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~6

[mssweet]

I'm just having problems with getting over the fact that the guy treated the time like a date, while she was involved..it bothers me a lot mentally to the point and frustrates me. She says it's not a big deal and maybe it's not a big deal based on her description, but my mind can't help but wonder wtf has happened.

 

The part that bothers me most is he knew we were dating but dared to lay a hand on my girl's back for a second thinking she wasn't going to resist. But I'm glad she said she walked faster. she also tried to justify it and say "maybe his manners are to help a girl cross the road and he does that automatically"...that pissed me off.Furthermore, she told me that he offered to pay and wouldn't let her pay even though it was against her wishes. So she said I'm interpreting it wrongly to see it as a date.

 

So to me it seems she's framing it to make it seem like it's all his fault for being flirty, for paying for her, for calling her a cab.. I'm sort of angry at myself that I suggested that she go innocently without thinking of the consequences of the guy not having a GF...but I'm also angry at her that she didn't think about these consequences either. Or maybe I'm just being unreasonable.

 

Any suggestions to help?

 

No, you're not being unreasonable. Its pretty clear this guy had a hidden agenda.

[JewelD]

So this is already an LDR? Well she clearly likes attention, so if she can't handle visiting relatives in a new country without feeling compelled to go on a date with a guy, what makes you think she doesn't get bored at home during the 6-week periods you guys don't see each other?

 

Trust is funny, because you can trust anyone until they do something untrustworthy. However, that doesn't excuse what she did. I'm sure you'd trust yourself to sleep butt naked in a bed with another woman, however, why would you put yourself in that situation to begin with? It doesn't matter if you do anything or not, you knowingly and willingly put yourself in a situation that makes your partner uncomfortable.

 

It's pretty much the same thing with your gf. She's 'trustworthy' and yet she felt compelled to put herself in a situation where she was on a date with a man. She knew what he wanted, the same way she picked up on the fact that you wanted to date her in the first place.

 

and the fact that she thinks it makes a person a 'dick' to say no, is just an excuse. If a girl kept bugging you to go out to dinner with her, do you think your girlfriend is going to accept your excuse when you say "Oh, well I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to be a dick"? Of course not, so why are you accepting it from her?

 

She knows what she's doing, and if she's desperate and bored for male attention, this won't be the last incident. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time on a LDR with someone who doesn't understand boundaries and how to say "no" to unwanted advances.

[Efohex]

The last woman I ever dated used to portray herself as naive about other men's interest in her.

 

That was to my face.

 

Meanwhile our mutual friends who lived near her -- we lived in different cities about two hours apart -- kept telling me she was "out of control" (literally their words) bringing different men over two or three nights a week, and I got furious at them for trying to badmouth her to me. I refused to question her for the longest time -- because trust!!11 -- but in the end it turned out our friends were telling me the truth. Her naivety was an act.

 

I actually have some pretty hilarious stories about the extent I went to avoid being a controlling jerk, like when I told her it was okay to stay with a male coworker to help him take care of his three young children while his wife was out of town, and yes of course he told his wife and she was totally okay with it! Like, what kind of ******* would say no to that?

 

It took me three long-term relationships to figure it out, but that last time I did finally learn my lesson. You were manipulated into agreeing to letting your girlfriend do something she knew would make you uncomfortable. She doesn't respect you or the boundaries of your relationship, and now she knows what strings to pull to make you agree to more things that make you uncomfortable. Maybe she didn't cheat on you sexually this time -- although in my experience "nothing happened" has eventually turned out to be an evening of wild sex more often than not when coming out of a woman's mouth -- but I suspect you're selling your girlfriend's emotional intelligence way short if you think she didn't expect or want to receive positive sexual attention from this guy.

 

"Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself." - Morpheus

[phineas]

I'm seriously disturbed by the responses in this thread. Is the general assumption that any person who is in a happy, committed, exclusive relationship when left alone with another person of the opposite sex will absolutely have no self control and definitely engage in something inappropriate? Seriously? What happened to this one little thing.. kind of important in relationships.. what's it called now.. oh yeah, TRUST.

 

Sheesh. OP, unless you have reason to doubt your gf, don't. You seem to have a good thing going with being honest and upfront in your communication - keep it up!

 

With someone who WANTS to bang them while in an LDR.

Please.

Are you saying you would have zero problem with your BF going out with a woman who WANTS him when you haven't seen him for months or had sex with him due to distance?

 

I call BS.

 

There is a difference between being secure & being a fool.

Like I said I have never met a woman who would be ok with their BF or husband going for drinks or dinner with another woman.

Edited July 14, 2016 by phineas