Girlfriend going to dinner with a guy we both "don't know that well"?

[crazyquestions11]

Leading him on by saying maybe - she left the door half open and he knows about you - so he is still pursuing her knowing you exist, and in his mind she is still open to the possibility of hanging out again. If he's as rich as you say you are merely a speed bump in his dating world.

 

She should have said - I'm not interested.

 

You are very sweet, if a little naive. It's good she won't see him again, hopefully she won't be messaging him either.

 

She did speak highly about his apartment. She said it's one of the nicest in the city with pillars and marble floors. In addition, apparently it's huge. I'm not thinking much of it though. Anyone would be in awe at a nice apartment.

 

She also did say she felt kind of bad for him cause he works intense hours- into the wee hours of 3-4am very often.

 

I don't see her getting lured in with money. But money still talks..

 

Also I asked her if she was single and he was single, if they would get together for another "hang out". (I wrote it just like that to try not to piss her off)

 

She said no, he wasn't attractive to her at all but he was a very nice guy.

 

She might be trying to calm me, but she assured me it's not what I think at all. But don't they all say that? I don't really think this thing will ever be figured out. That's the complexity of a relationship.

Edited July 12, 2016 by crazyquestions11

[TheBathWater]

Convenient way of thinking Why take responsibility for your actions if you can blame it on unconscious mind, instincts etc.

 

I see cheating as lack of morals and being way too easy on yourself and allowing yourself to give in to your urges and temptations. Lack of self-control and awereness.

 

People's who's boundaries are easy to dissolve are not worth of my love and the sooner I find out the better. If a simple meeting over dinner can turn into something more for them, they can just go to hell asap.

 

I don't see anywhere my suggesting that this absolves responsibility. Quite the opposite. I'm saying assume responsibility by not going there in the first place. The OP's outcome is case in point. She shouldn't have gone on the date, even if she "didn't know" it was a date. Come on. I had an ex and someone tried to pick her up while we were together. She said no, but then he said "well, we can hang out as friends" and she said "okay, here's my number." Come on. Really? You ladies should know better. Boundaries are a thing. When you're not in a relationship, you can do whatever you want. When you're in a relationship, you can still do whatever you want, but not if you want the relationship to function at its healthiest.

 

I'm a therapist trained to know how these kind of things happen. I've seen it way too many times and it's the same story over and over again. "I never planned for this to happen." The unconscious is a powerful force. To think we are self-aware is a fallacy. Do a google search right now and you'll see that scientists estimate that somewhere between 95-99% of what is happening in our minds is outside of our conscious awareness and cannot be made conscious.

 

If you go back and reread what I wrote before (and make sure you use critical thinking skills; I get the information is not a quick digest), you'll see that I'm saying people lack self-awareness about when they're putting themselves in risky situations, and that this tends to be how the physical aspect of cheating comes about. Thus the only way to obviate it is to not go there in the first place.

Edited July 12, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[rester]

Also I asked her if she was single and he was single, if they would get together for another "hang out". (I wrote it just like that to try not to piss her off)

 

I'm not sure why you would ask her this. It sounds like your insecurities are getting to you. If you trusted her I don't think this would be an issue. And I don't believe trusting someone is naive. She is not giving you signs that this was anything more than an innocent dinner.

 

I realize other people don't believe men and women can be friends or be alone together without cheating, but I'm not one of them, and I personally wouldn't want a relationship with someone that I couldn't trust to go out to dinner with a male acquaintance while traveling without it ending up in a sexual situation. You either trust that she wouldn't do anything, or you don't. It sounds like you don't trust her, even though she is giving you signs that she is a trustworthy individual.

 

Now, if you didn't hear from her after the dinner or she behaved in a more secretive fashion, then I'd say you might have something to worry about, but from what I'm reading, you have one of the more trustworthy girlfriends of anyone posting on this site.

 

Of course she could be lying but if you want to go through life thinking everyone is lying about something, that's on you and it will ultimately hurt your relationships.

[crazyquestions11]

I'm not sure why you would ask her this. It sounds like your insecurities are getting to you. If you trusted her I don't think this would be an issue. And I don't believe trusting someone is naive. She is not giving you signs that this was anything more than an innocent dinner.

 

I realize other people don't believe men and women can be friends or be alone together without cheating, but I'm not one of them, and I personally wouldn't want a relationship with someone that I couldn't trust to go out to dinner with a male acquaintance while traveling without it ending up in a sexual situation. You either trust that she wouldn't do anything, or you don't. It sounds like you don't trust her, even though she is giving you signs that she is a trustworthy individual.

 

Now, if you didn't hear from her after the dinner or she behaved in a more secretive fashion, then I'd say you might have something to worry about, but from what I'm reading, you have one of the more trustworthy girlfriends of anyone posting on this site.

 

Of course she could be lying but if you want to go through life thinking everyone is lying about something, that's on you and it will ultimately hurt your relationships.

 

I love your advice rester. You're totally right with the whole "I could think everyone is lying about something" and that is a flaw with my personality, unfortunately.

 

As much as I want to think it's all good, I can't stop wondering....when he put his hands on her back on the street, wouldn't it be JUST as awkward if she moved away really fast than if she remained and tolerated it? Because they hung out for an hour after that "incident".

 

That was the only time she said he was "flirty". Otherwise, he did just say "we should have hung out more before". (possibly hinting to her a regret that they didn't meet earlier so they possibly would date?)

[VeveCakes]

But they can't be friends because he clearly has expressed interest in her. Would be totally different if he acted differently.

 

I'm not saying she will be swayed with money, but those with money can be very confident and are used to being able to have anything they want.

 

I don't see your gf interested in getting with him yet, but she certainly enjoyed the attention.

[deadparrot]

I don't see an issue. Both of them are in relationships, your girlfriend has been very upfront about things with you, and honestly, going out for a meal with someone so as "not to be mean" sounds a lot like something I'd do, because frankly, I'm a people pleaser and have trouble saying no. Most likely he's in a country where he doesn't know a lot people and wants to meet up with a familiar face.

[kgcolonel]

She did speak highly about his apartment. She said it's one of the nicest in the city with pillars and marble floors. In addition, apparently it's huge. I'm not thinking much of it though. Anyone would be in awe at a nice apartment.

 

She also did say she felt kind of bad for him cause he works intense hours- into the wee hours of 3-4am very often.

 

I don't see her getting lured in with money. But money still talks..

 

Also I asked her if she was single and he was single, if they would get together for another "hang out". (I wrote it just like that to try not to piss her off)

 

She said no, he wasn't attractive to her at all but he was a very nice guy.

 

She might be trying to calm me, but she assured me it's not what I think at all. But don't they all say that? I don't really think this thing will ever be figured out. That's the complexity of a relationship.

 

Interesting that when asked if she would be hanging out with him again, she responded that he was not attractive....I don't want to nit pick but would her answer have been different had he been extremely attractive???

[Lorenza]

She gave you a lot of details and didn't cotton-wrap them either. Otherwise she would have left out a lot of things, like his nice apartment, him being flirty, paying for his drink etc. I think she just wanted to go out and do something different for a change and the guy simply provided that opportunity. He provided her with a little distraction and that's it.

[Lorenza]

Interesting that when asked if she would be hanging out with him again, she responded that he was not attractive....I don't want to nit pick but would her answer have been different had he been extremely attractive???

 

Seriously, people are making a fuzz out of nothing! A girl goes out with an aquintance and then there's a whole thread of people picking on each and every detail...

[crazyquestions11]

But they can't be friends because he clearly has expressed interest in her. Would be totally different if he acted differently.

 

I'm not saying she will be swayed with money, but those with money can be very confident and are used to being able to have anything they want.

 

I don't see your gf interested in getting with him yet, but she certainly enjoyed the attention.

 

I'm sure she enjoyed the attention. Positive.

 

I don't see an issue. Both of them are in relationships, your girlfriend has been very upfront about things with you, and honestly, going out for a meal with someone so as "not to be mean" sounds a lot like something I'd do, because frankly, I'm a people pleaser and have trouble saying no. Most likely he's in a country where he doesn't know a lot people and wants to meet up with a familiar face.

 

The only thing I would like to add that would change this, is that she found out through him that him and his gf just broke up. So this explains his actions towards her and his flirtatious behavior.. This initially caught me off guard because his profile still shows a picture of them two.

 

If he didn't have the picture, I definitely would have had no problem saying, no I don't want you to go. I thought he was taken too and meant casual catch up.

 

Interesting that when asked if she would be hanging out with him again, she responded that he was not attractive....I don't want to nit pick but would her answer have been different had he been extremely attractive???

 

Well I instigated it a bit because I poke at her and ask, so did you find him attractive? etc. So she didn't bring this up out of nowhere. When asked, she laughed and found it totally a joke...

 

If he was attractive, I wouldn't have let her go. Sorry not sorry.

 

She gave you a lot of details and didn't cotton-wrap them either. Otherwise she would have left out a lot of things, like his nice apartment, him being flirty, paying for his drink etc. I think she just wanted to go out and do something different for a change and the guy simply provided that opportunity. He provided her with a little distraction and that's it.

 

I think this too. She got her attention, got her free meal.

 

One of my best friend's (who is a taken girl my gf is totally cool with) said that sometimes girls just like this attention and a free meal! But she found it odd that my gf spent over 4 hours with this guy. She said she is usually 1.5-2 hours and then bye bye. Of course I think she does it for the wrong reasons, but who am I to change or judge someone's old habits.

Edited July 12, 2016 by crazyquestions11

[crazyquestions11]

I'm just having problems with getting over the fact that the guy treated the time like a date, while she was involved..it bothers me a lot mentally to the point and frustrates me. She says it's not a big deal and maybe it's not a big deal based on her description, but my mind can't help but wonder wtf has happened.

 

The part that bothers me most is he knew we were dating but dared to lay a hand on my girl's back for a second thinking she wasn't going to resist. But I'm glad she said she walked faster. she also tried to justify it and say "maybe his manners are to help a girl cross the road and he does that automatically"...that pissed me off.Furthermore, she told me that he offered to pay and wouldn't let her pay even though it was against her wishes. So she said I'm interpreting it wrongly to see it as a date.

 

So to me it seems she's framing it to make it seem like it's all his fault for being flirty, for paying for her, for calling her a cab.. I'm sort of angry at myself that I suggested that she go innocently without thinking of the consequences of the guy not having a GF...but I'm also angry at her that she didn't think about these consequences either. Or maybe I'm just being unreasonable.

 

Any suggestions to help?

Edited July 12, 2016 by crazyquestions11

[GunslingerRoland]

It sounds like she is being a little naïve, but that is very different than her actually doing anything bad. How far do you want to push on this?

[crazyquestions11]

It sounds like she is being a little naïve, but that is very different than her actually doing anything bad. How far do you want to push on this?

 

Preferably I want to get it over it myself. But I'm having a tough time "sucking it up" to truly believe she didn't do anything bad. It's like a clear part of my brain knows shes being truthful, but another part of it is saying "no she definitely did something and she's hiding it".

 

I can't help but wonder..what if she didn't resist when he paid for the food? What if they drank together and she smiled when he called her a cab? My imagination is going to be the death of me.

 

I'm also very very frustrated because I feel that I could have prevented this from happening and didn't expect her to actually go out with him. I also thought he was taken.

[JewelD]

I'm just having problems with getting over the fact that the guy treated the time like a date, while she was involved..it bothers me a lot mentally to the point and frustrates me. She says it's not a big deal and maybe it's not a big deal based on her description, but my mind can't help but wonder wtf has happened.

 

The part that bothers me most is he knew we were dating but dared to lay a hand on my girl's back for a second thinking she wasn't going to resist. But I'm glad she said she walked faster. she also tried to justify it and say "maybe his manners are to help a girl cross the road and he does that automatically"...that pissed me off.Furthermore, she told me that he offered to pay and wouldn't let her pay even though it was against her wishes. So she said I'm interpreting it wrongly to see it as a date.

 

So to me it seems she's framing it to make it seem like it's all his fault for being flirty, for paying for her, for calling her a cab.. I'm sort of angry at myself that I suggested that she go innocently without thinking of the consequences of the guy not having a GF...but I'm also angry at her that she didn't think about these consequences either. Or maybe I'm just being unreasonable.

 

Any suggestions to help?

 

Honestly, she should have ended it as soon as she realized what his motives were. It wasn't innocent. She went to a stranger's house, she bought him a drink, she let him pay for dinner, she did not give him an explicit "no" when he asked to hang out again.

 

Whether it was innocent or not, she should not be trying to downplay your feelings. This is a perfectly legit reason to be upset with someone and for her not to allow you that or to discuss it with you in a way that doesn't make you feel bad is wrong.

 

I would be concerned if I were you and I wouldn't just let it go. If she's that much of a people pleaser that she allows herself to get roped into a date because she's "bored", that's going to cause more problems down the line if it's not addressed.

 

Like most people, your heart wants to believe her because that is easier and it does not involve pain. But your brain is thinking logically because her actions and her words don't match up. But thinking with just your heart and not the logic of your brain will lead you into some bad situations in the long run.

 

You may as well address it with her because there's trust issues there. You won't be able to get over it by talking yourself into it, you'll just continue to not trust her and possibly resent her in the future.

[crazyquestions11]

Honestly, she should have ended it as soon as she realized what his motives were. It wasn't innocent. She went to a stranger's house, she bought him a drink, she let him pay for dinner, she did not give him an explicit "no" when he asked to hang out again.

 

Whether it was innocent or not, she should not be trying to downplay your feelings. This is a perfectly legit reason to be upset with someone and for her not to allow you that or to discuss it with you in a way that doesn't make you feel bad is wrong.

 

I would be concerned if I were you and I wouldn't just let it go. If she's that much of a people pleaser that she allows herself to get roped into a date because she's "bored", that's going to cause more problems down the line if it's not addressed.

 

Like most people, your heart wants to believe her because that is easier and it does not involve pain. But your brain is thinking logically because her actions and her words don't match up. But thinking with just your heart and not the logic of your brain will lead you into some bad situations in the long run.

 

You may as well address it with her because there's trust issues there. You won't be able to get over it by talking yourself into it, you'll just continue to not trust her and possibly resent her in the future.

 

What if the person wasn't really a stranger. They interacted before, but just weren't the type of friends to hang out because they had never before. He told her "why didn't we hang out earlier". She said it felt like they were bros up until the hand on her back.

 

He was OBVIOUSLY trying to get her even knowing we were together. So am I safe to think that she wouldn't go anymore and take her word? She was surprised too. But she isn't the type to "get angry and cancel plans if something surprised her". She said she felt a little weird, but then dinner was next so she went along.

Edited July 12, 2016 by crazyquestions11

[reid_3567]

Preferably I want to get it over it myself. But I'm having a tough time "sucking it up" to truly believe she didn't do anything bad. It's like a clear part of my brain knows shes being truthful, but another part of it is saying "no she definitely did something and she's hiding it".

 

I can't help but wonder..what if she didn't resist when he paid for the food? What if they drank together and she smiled when he called her a cab? My imagination is going to be the death of me.

 

I'm also very very frustrated because I feel that I could have prevented this from happening and didn't expect her to actually go out with him. I also thought he was taken.

 

Hey man. I'm a new poster, but have been reading the board for a few weeks. Your story compelled me to write a response.

 

For me, you are 100% correct to be feeling uneasy about the whole situation. There are a number of very worrying signs about this, that go above and beyond being cool with your partner hanging out with people.

 

1. She spent hours with this guy and didn't contact you. That rings major alarm bells. Especially given the fact that she knew you were uncomfortable, to say the least, about the whole situation. Doesn't mean anything happened necessarily, but it is extremely disrespectful.

 

2. Despite them being very loose acquaintances, she doesn't actually know this guy. She had never spent time in his company before. There was no NEED for her to go on this dinner, and there was a million ways she could have responded to him without being impolite. Come on, she even had to travel quite extensively to meet him. I think that this is quite unusual behaviour generally, but particularly so given that she is in a relationship with you.

 

3. As others have pointed out, she essentially allowed him to flirt with her. And yet still spent a substantial amount of time with him, and didn't make it clear she didn't want to see him again.

 

4. "I felt quite sorry for him". Oh yeah, somebody who lives in a mega apartment and is rich? She should feel indifferent to him.

 

5. The fact that you have put yourself in a situation with your girlfriend whereby you have become a bystander to a date she has had with somebody else, miles away, and have been left to ask her multiple questions to assuage your doubts. And that she has allowed you to stay in that position.

 

Others are saying you are being insecure and over analysing the situation. I totally disagree. If she had gone for a coffee with him at the drop of a hat, or if the "date" meant very little effort on her behalf, then fair enough.

 

But she engaged in a conversation with a guy she doesn't know, agreed to meet him for dinner, travelled some distance to meet him, spent hours in his company, went to his flat, and didn't blow him off with "I'm not interested, I have a boyfriend"

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, and doing things with them now and again. But there needs to be a line in the sand. Just because she is telling you about it doesn't mean that she is being completely honest. The one time I have been cheated on, several years ago, my girlfriend of many years showed me texts (I didn't ask to see them), dropped his name into the conversation quite a few times, and said she "felt sorry for him" for some reason I have forgotten.

 

I don't know if your girlfriend has cheated (physically). I suspect she hasn't. But I would be very wary of letting this slip and allowing yourself to be walked over like this when there are so many things wrong with the scenario you just painted.

[frus69]

She enjoyed some attention from an aquaintance and had a good time haning out rather than staying at home watching TV, but wasn't going to take it any further. Hard for you to accept ?

If not just break up then . Find a girl who won't enjoy any attention but yours.

Edited July 12, 2016 by frus69

[crazyquestions11]

Hey man. I'm a new poster, but have been reading the board for a few weeks. Your story compelled me to write a response.

 

For me, you are 100% correct to be feeling uneasy about the whole situation. There are a number of very worrying signs about this, that go above and beyond being cool with your partner hanging out with people.

 

1. She spent hours with this guy and didn't contact you. That rings major alarm bells. Especially given the fact that she knew you were uncomfortable, to say the least, about the whole situation. Doesn't mean anything happened necessarily, but it is extremely disrespectful.

 

2. Despite them being very loose acquaintances, she doesn't actually know this guy. She had never spent time in his company before. There was no NEED for her to go on this dinner, and there was a million ways she could have responded to him without being impolite. Come on, she even had to travel quite extensively to meet him. I think that this is quite unusual behaviour generally, but particularly so given that she is in a relationship with you.

 

3. As others have pointed out, she essentially allowed him to flirt with her. And yet still spent a substantial amount of time with him, and didn't make it clear she didn't want to see him again.

 

4. "I felt quite sorry for him". Oh yeah, somebody who lives in a mega apartment and is rich? She should feel indifferent to him.

 

5. The fact that you have put yourself in a situation with your girlfriend whereby you have become a bystander to a date she has had with somebody else, miles away, and have been left to ask her multiple questions to assuage your doubts. And that she has allowed you to stay in that position.

 

Others are saying you are being insecure and over analysing the situation. I totally disagree. If she had gone for a coffee with him at the drop of a hat, or if the "date" meant very little effort on her behalf, then fair enough.

 

But she engaged in a conversation with a guy she doesn't know, agreed to meet him for dinner, travelled some distance to meet him, spent hours in his company, went to his flat, and didn't blow him off with "I'm not interested, I have a boyfriend"

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, and doing things with them now and again. But there needs to be a line in the sand. Just because she is telling you about it doesn't mean that she is being completely honest. The one time I have been cheated on, several years ago, my girlfriend of many years showed me texts (I didn't ask to see them), dropped his name into the conversation quite a few times, and said she "felt sorry for him" for some reason I have forgotten.

 

I don't know if your girlfriend has cheated (physically). I suspect she hasn't. But I would be very wary of letting this slip and allowing yourself to be walked over like this when there are so many things wrong with the scenario you just painted.

 

Thank you! I really appreciate you summing it all up here. It helps me see the situation quite a lot and it's really sad, honestly.

 

What would you suggest I do at this point? She told me "hell no I would never cheat, and that she loves me and misses me so much". I can see similarities in your ex and this situation but I don't wish to believe that she is like that. She has had a cheating bf in the past and she absolutely despises cheaters (you have no idea).

 

To clarify a few things and play devil's advocate:

 

1. She's in a foreign country, and had her family member's basic disposable phone. Her phone she did not bring because she was afraid she would lose it (she doesn't usually bring it going out even with her relatives). So this may explain why I didn't get anything.

 

2. Exactly. It is partly my fault for saying "just go hang out". It is unusual that she would travel such a distance, but this is normally the distance since she is currently in the countryside. Otherwise, she's stuck in her little countryside and is bored half to death. Would you say this makes it slightly less unusual if in order to have any kind of fun, she would have to travel usually? I'm going to ask her what ultimately made her go even though I said for her to go (because she doesn't usually get into awkward situations by herself).

 

3. I will confront her about this and ask her why she wasn't a bit more fierce and allowed it to happen.

 

4. I am wondering the same thing too. She said she feels sorry about his work hours, and she mentioned it randomly while texting me out of nowhere. She said he was on a conference call at 11pm even while they were out. Perhaps that's why she mentioned it?

 

5. For this I will ask too.

 

I'm bad at speaking to my girlfriend without pissing her off with my wording, like earlier I accused her of "testing the waters" to which she got absolutely pissed back at me.

 

Could you help me see how I can frame these to ask her for a genuine reaction without accusing her? Thanks!!

[crazyquestions11]

She enjoyed some attention from an aquaintance and had a good time haning out rather than staying at home watching TV, but wasn't going to take it any further. Hard for you to accept ?

If not just break up then . Find a girl who won't enjoy any attention but yours.

 

Imagine you're a guy, and your girlfriend tells you she was in a situation with a guy who is SINGLE (not what you initially thought), and started FLIRTING with her, and she CONTINUED to hang out for HOURS after he had his hands on HER BACK.

 

???? Yes it is hard for me to accept... I feel this situation would make any good boyfriend panic a bit.

 

Because, you are frustrated with the girl but don't exactly know why she put herself in the situation and even if she was, why allow it to happen but speak so casually to ur bf about it and try to brush it off?

Edited July 12, 2016 by crazyquestions11

[frus69]

Imagine you're a guy, and your girlfriend tells you she was in a situation with a guy who is SINGLE (not what you initially thought), and started FLIRTING with her, and she CONTINUED to hang out for HOURS after he had his hands on HER BACK.

 

???? Yes it is hard for me to accept... I feel this situation would make any good boyfriend panic a bit.

 

Because, you are frustrated with the girl but don't exactly know why she put herself in the situation and why she wasn't fiercer.

 

Yes I would be fine if I was a guy and my gf did that. I would be fine if my current BF did that too because I know it was just a one hang out and I also trust him.

But you can't accept it, you also don't trust her. fine. time to find a different girl.You are not being very productive here thinking back and forth. What's the point asking her? You don't believe what she said! And people here projecting their own cheating experience to you , you trust them instead

So really , find another girl , save all these drama

Edited July 12, 2016 by frus69

[elaine567]

I agree with reid_3567, there is something not quite right here.

She has somehow managed to get your permission to date another guy...

[JewelD]

What if the person wasn't really a stranger. They interacted before, but just weren't the type of friends to hang out because they had never before. He told her "why didn't we hang out earlier". She said it felt like they were bros up until the hand on her back.

 

He was OBVIOUSLY trying to get her even knowing we were together. So am I safe to think that she wouldn't go anymore and take her word? She was surprised too. But she isn't the type to "get angry and cancel plans if something surprised her". She said she felt a little weird, but then dinner was next so she went along.

 

Have they hung out one on one or in a group before? He's basically a stranger as far as her being comfortable going to his house. I say 'hi' to men at work but I wouldn't be going over to their houses. That's just safety 101 for women, honestly.

 

Who knows? Maybe she would if he asked again. She clearly has issues hurting people's feelings (except yours) and saying 'no'. She didn't want to go this time but she did. It's possible she'd use the same logic in the future.

 

She's a 25 year old woman with a boyfriend. She knew something was off which is why she brought it to your attention in the first place. But she went anyway. If she was a 16 year old girl, okay maybe, because sometimes they don't know any better, but come on.

 

Anyway, nothing I or anyone else says on here is going to make you feel okay with what happened. We don't know your girlfriend other than what you've told us, but you are feeling upset about it and acting like it doesn't matter because nothing happened (so she says) is not going to make you feel better about it.

 

and there's no point in being mad at the dude, really. He asked her to dinner and she said yes. He thought it was a date. He probably didn't care about her having a bf because he, like many people, assumed that a woman with a bf would have declined his invitation to dinner. When she said yes, he probably assumed you were broken up or that she didn't care about stepping out.

 

He didn't make her go out with him, she went willingly. If you're going to be angry, be angry with her. He doesn't owe you any loyalty.

[crazyquestions11]

Have they hung out one on one or in a group before? He's basically a stranger as far as her being comfortable going to his house. I say 'hi' to men at work but I wouldn't be going over to their houses. That's just safety 101 for women, honestly.

 

Who knows? Maybe she would if he asked again. She clearly has issues hurting people's feelings (except yours) and saying 'no'. She didn't want to go this time but she did. It's possible she'd use the same logic in the future.

 

She's a 25 year old woman with a boyfriend. She knew something was off which is why she brought it to your attention in the first place. But she went anyway. If she was a 16 year old girl, okay maybe, because sometimes they don't know any better, but come on.

 

Anyway, nothing I or anyone else says on here is going to make you feel okay with what happened. We don't know your girlfriend other than what you've told us, but you are feeling upset about it and acting like it doesn't matter because nothing happened (so she says) is not going to make you feel better about it.

 

and there's no point in being mad at the dude, really. He asked her to dinner and she said yes. He thought it was a date. He probably didn't care about her having a bf because he, like many people, assumed that a woman with a bf would have declined his invitation to dinner. When she said yes, he probably assumed you were broken up or that she didn't care about stepping out.

 

He didn't make her go out with him, she went willingly. If you're going to be angry, be angry with her. He doesn't owe you any loyalty.

 

They have never hung out one on one before. But I believe they have met in a group setting for an academic club at university to discuss club events.

 

I am going to ask her some questions to clear it up. Because she obviously views it differently and doesn't see it as a date. She's pretty naive.

[phineas]

I call BS on any women in this thread who would be perfectly fine if the script was flipped.

 

A female acquaintance he met a few times bugging him to go to happy hr and their BF deciding to go just to be "nice" oh and him saying, I don't find her that attractive either when she most likely is. Remember, attraction isn't just about looks.

 

Oh and she's giving a presentation that day and needs to get out of her pantsuit so he will go back to her place while she changes so he isn't waiting around alone.

 

Oh and he'll be gone for 5 hrs and not text that whole time.

 

I don't know a single woman who would not lose their chit if their BF pulled a stunt like this.

 

So go ahead and call the OP "controlling". i just LOL! knowing you would not tolerate the exact same situation.

[mssweet]

I think it's a bit odd. The most concerning thing to me is that she doesn't know how to politely say "no", especially since he's just an acquaintance.