Girlfriend going to dinner with a guy we both "don't know that well"?

[TheBathWater]

You sound controlling and insecure... Making her show a private conversation, asking for pictures and updates and blowing everything way out of proportion.

 

I don't see any evidence he is being controlling. Insecure? Hell yeah, I think many guys would be.

[kendahke]

 

"Letting" (not in a controlling sense) her hang out with different guys in a test of trust is going to come back and bite you in the end..

 

Letting = allowing, which requires permission, and that is controlling because that is a parent/child dynamic.

[crazyquestions11]

You did say he pestered her until she acquiesced. After the first "no", he should have gone on block. You'll have to ask her why she didn't block him, but don't be surprised if she tells you she didn't want to be mean.

 

She didn't exactly say no. She just said "that's far". He goes "come with my friends and I!" she says "next time, it would take far too long" and he goes "lol alright then!"

 

Then he asked tomorrow, or the next day?

 

You sound controlling and insecure... Making her show a private conversation, asking for pictures and updates and blowing everything way out of proportion.

 

Yes, I can see where you're coming from, but I know no other way to help me feel better than this at the moment. If she minded, then I would have a problem, but she doesn't mind and it has helped me trust a lot more. So controlling? Perhaps a bit. But it's a way to see if she has anything to hide, which she proved she doesn't (as far as text goes).

 

I don't see any evidence he is being controlling. Insecure? Hell yeah, I think many guys would be.

 

Yup. Totally this.

[Lorenza]

I don't see any evidence he is being controlling. Insecure? Hell yeah, I think many guys would be.

 

As I said, he'a asking for proof and makes her feel weird about the whole meeting with an aquintance. That's controlling for me

[crazyquestions11]

Letting = allowing, which requires permission, and that is controlling because that is a parent/child dynamic.

 

Yup, that is why I didn't want to get into the "I don't want you to go" explicitly.

 

That would be too much and lead her to get angry at me for trying to control her. So I simply told her how the situation made me feel and that worked in explaining things a bit better.

[crazyquestions11]

Letting = allowing, which requires permission, and that is controlling because that is a parent/child dynamic.

 

As I said, he'a asking for proof and makes her feel weird about the whole meeting with an aquintance. That's controlling for me

 

Well she felt weird because I told her it made me feel like this was a date rather than a casual meeting and she started to see things a bit more that way too after my description. She insisted it wasn't and doubted he would try anything because of how casual the talk was. So I essentially told her it would make me feel a heck of a lot better if I could see how they texted. And she had no reservations.

 

If she did, wouldn't that have given something away?

[crazyquestions11]

It definitely moved fast because it was on FB and she couldn't just "ignore" him because she's too nice. It was also my mistake because when she asked me what she should do, I told her to go ahead and hang out. I felt she was bored at home.

[Lorenza]

Well she felt weird because I told her it made me feel like this was a date rather than a casual meeting and she started to see things a bit more that way too after my description. She insisted it wasn't and doubted he would try anything because of how casual the talk was. So I essentially told her it would make me feel a heck of a lot better if I could see how they texted. And she had no reservations.

 

If she did, wouldn't that have given something away?

 

Well, it's nice of her to reassure you, but just fyi you should be able reassure yourself by trusting your partner and knowing your worth. If the only way for her to make you trust her is to show private conversations and provide written proof - that's gonna become tedious in the long run.

[TheBathWater]

As I said, he'a asking for proof and makes her feel weird about the whole meeting with an aquintance. That's controlling for me

 

So he should be comfortable with his girlfriend having dinner alone in another country with a chance-encounter male acquaintance who appears to have been persistent in her meeting him?

 

From my perspective, he did the right thing by sharing with her his feelings about it (read: emotional responsibility and maturity) and then letting her do what she wants. If he were to hide his feelings, that wouldn't be healthy. When I think of controlling, I think of someone who tells someone what they can and can't do. This sounds like mature communication to me (at least going by what he is telling us about his behavior). He even asked for reassurance. Tone is everything, of course, and we don't know what he sounds like on the phone with her, but if his tone in his posts here is any indication I think he is responding in emotionally mature and healthy ways to the whole situation.

 

Did she take initiative to check in with him on how he felt about it? Did she cogitate over whether even accepting this meetup would affect their relationship? Regardless of whether or not anything happens, I don't think that she demonstrated respect for the relationship in the way she could have. I don't hear you acknowledging this side of things. How come? Do you really believe people should just do whatever they want without consideration for a relationship and that the other person involved should just put up with it?

Edited July 12, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Lorenza]

I sometimes meet people even if I don't want to, just to establish a connection. It can be men sometimes too and I it's wrong to assume that if someone with a penis wants to keep in touch with me, that automatically means they want to bang me. That's kinda objectifying men, isn't it? And how would they achieve that, if my heart is loyal to someone else? There are no risks.

[TheBathWater]

I sometimes meet people even if I don't want to, just to establish a connection. It can be men sometimes too and I it's wrong to assume that if someone with a penis wants to keep in touch with me, that automatically means they want to bang me. That's kinda objectifying men, isn't it? And how would they achieve that, if my heart is loyal to someone else? There are no risks.

 

Nice way to answer a question.

 

You seem to be thinking about the individual and what they want for themselves, rather than relationship communication and what is healthy for the relationship as a whole. This point is reflected in your comments, and interestingly, is repeated even in the way you reply to me on this thread.

[crazyquestions11]

Well, it's nice of her to reassure you, but just fyi you should be able reassure yourself by trusting your partner and knowing your worth. If the only way for her to make you trust her is to show private conversations and provide written proof - that's gonna become tedious in the long run.

 

So he should be comfortable with his girlfriend having dinner alone in another country with a chance-encounter male acquaintance who appears to have been persistent in her meeting him?

 

From my perspective, he did the right thing by sharing with her his feelings about it (read: emotional responsibility and maturity) and then letting her do what she wants. If he were to hide his feelings, that wouldn't be healthy. When I think of controlling, I think of someone who tells someone what they can and can't do. This sounds like mature communication to me (at least going by what he is telling us about his behavior). He even asked for reassurance. Tone is everything, of course, and we don't know what he sounds like on the phone with her, but if his tone in his posts here is any indication I think he is responding in emotionally mature and healthy ways to the whole situation.

 

Did she take initiative to check in with him on how he felt about it? Did she cogitate over whether even accepting this meetup would affect their relationship? Regardless of whether or not anything happens, I don't think that she demonstrated respect for the relationship in the way she could have. I don't hear you acknowledging this side of things. How come? Do you really believe people should just do whatever they want without consideration for a relationship and that the other person involved should just put up with it?

 

I see the two opposites here. And while both are correct, the situation is different this time in that "trust" is weird.

 

Lorenza, perhaps you have a level of trust for your partner that I haven't reached for my gf. Perhaps I lack trust (I wouldn't say total, but in this situation, I lack a bit). In other situations closer to home and not so random, I really wouldn't even care. It would just be, "have fun!"

 

TunaInTheBrine portrays a realistic way of how I feel. These are all my thoughts and he is correct that my tone was polite and respectful to my gf. Nothing that should have ticked her off or limited her options. I was simply communicating how I felt, and I think that is an essential part of trust itself.

[Lorenza]

So he should be comfortable with his girlfriend having dinner alone in another country with a chance-encounter male acquaintance who appears to have been persistent in her meeting him?

 

From my perspective, he did the right thing by sharing with her his feelings about it (read: emotional responsibility and maturity) and then letting her do what she wants. If he were to hide his feelings, that wouldn't be healthy. When I think of controlling, I think of someone who tells someone what they can and can't do. This sounds like mature communication to me (at least going by what he is telling us about his behavior). He even asked for reassurance. Tone is everything, of course, and we don't know what he sounds like on the phone with her, but if his tone in his posts here is any indication I think he is responding in emotionally mature and healthy ways to the whole situation.

 

Did she take initiative to check in with him on how he felt about it? Did she cogitate over whether even accepting this meetup would affect their relationship? Regardless of whether or not anything happens, I don't think that she demonstrated respect for the relationship in the way she could have. I don't hear you acknowledging this side of things. How come? Do you really believe people should just do whatever they want without consideration for a relationship and that the other person involved should just put up with it?

 

 

Yes, he should be comfortable. He should have faith in her judgement and that she would break contact if there was anything inappropriate in his approach.

 

My first long-term boyfriend spent a year overseas and I never questioned the people he met. I just don't think that being in a close proximity to a member of an opposite sex is immediate risk and threat. Cheating is a conscious act and you whether trust that your partner won't choose to betray you or you don't.

 

Yeah sure, he let her know he'a insecure and she responded in a reassuring way, but does that mean he shouldn't work on his confidence? She will have to show her private messages every single time she meets anyone? That's exhausting.

 

Keeping away from aquintances and friends doesn't show any respect to a relationship, just shows fear and tension. And yes, I believe that people are still free human being despite being in a relationship and can meet other people for a conversation or dinner if they want.

[Lorenza]

I agree that there are situations when a simple dinner becomes inappropriate. Like there was a poster who's bf would often take a female friend out for dinner in a fancy restaurant, get drunk with her, spend many hours together.

 

In your situation it just sounded like something completely not harmful, as she doesn't even know him well or want to meet him so much (sounds like she is just nice and want to keep a contact that could be good in a foreign country). Probably gonna be a one time thing and that's it.

[TheBathWater]

Cheating is a conscious act and you whether trust that your partner won't choose to betray you or you don't.

 

I think this is where I have a different opinion. I don't think cheating is motivated by the conscious mind and is therefore a conscious act. I think there are unconscious motivations for cheating, and I have much respect for the power of the unconscious mind, and how the vast majority of people who cheat never intended to... it "just happened."

 

Maybe you feel particularly self-assured in your ability to maintain boundaries, but the truth is that for most people (especially in today's culture) those boundaries dissolve all too readily and easily without the awareness that it's happening until it's too late. It's only in hindsight do people realize that affairs began long before the sex did. Typically, it's through texting, innocent flirting in the workplace, or 'friendly' hangouts. People will resist for a time, but at some point when life happens and the right moment of weakness is presented, things "just happen." It's complicated.

 

Even the most confident men and women have insecurities. It is virtually impossible to not feel some modicum of jealousy or insecurity at times unless you have a weak attachment to your partner (e.g. FWB situations). There is nothing 'wrong' with the OP, and he handled this very maturely.

Edited July 12, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[Lorenza]

I think this is where I have a different opinion. I don't think cheating is motivated by the conscious mind and is therefore a conscious act. I think there are unconscious motivations for cheating, and I have much respect for the power of the unconscious mind, and how the vast majority of people who cheat never intended to... it "just happened."

 

Maybe you feel particularly self-assured in your ability to maintain boundaries, but the truth is that for most people (especially in today's culture) those boundaries dissolve all too readily and easily without the awareness that it's happening until it's too late.

 

Convenient way of thinking Why take responsibility for your actions if you can blame it on unconscious mind, instincts etc.

 

I see cheating as lack of morals and being way too easy on yourself and allowing yourself to give in to your urges and temptations. Lack of self-control and awereness.

 

People's who's boundaries are easy to dissolve are not worth of my love and the sooner I find out the better. If a simple meeting over dinner can turn into something more for them, they can just go to hell asap.

[JewelD]

Well, you do lack trust or you would believe what she told you without proof. But that's okay, because some people are untrustworthy. But you can't say you trust her and then ask to see proof of messages and whatnot.

 

Are you going to need documentation of everything she says? I don't blame you for feeling suspicious, because what she did was wrong and weird as hell. Again, NO WOMAN is going to go out with a man she doesn't really know unless she wants to. Especially if her bf said it bothered him.

 

And just bc they weren't flirting via text doesn't mean he doesn't want something from her. Being real, if I wanted to hang out with a friend (one I actually KNEW) and they told me they were busy, I'd be like, cool, let me know when you're free. and leave it at that. Being that persistent with someone you don't even know who has a bf= I desperately want something from you.

 

She's worried about hurting his feelings but was she worried about yours?? Nope. There would have been nothing wrong with telling her you didn't want her to go, especially since SHE supposedly didn't want to go.

 

Maybe it was all innocent and pigs flew in the sky, but why would you want a partner who can't say no? Even when she supposedly wants to?

[Poutrew]

Well, I wonder how the dinner went?

[Lorenza]

 

Even the most confident men and women have insecurities. It is virtually impossible to not feel some modicum of jealousy or insecurity at times unless you have a weak attachment to your partner (e.g. FWB situations). There is nothing 'wrong' with the OP, and he handled this very maturely.

 

Ofc I have insecurities too. But just not when it comes to aquintances, casuall friendships and meeting people in harmful situations.

 

Op handled it well, but it would be even better if he starts working on slowly building trust for his gf if he really loves her.

[crazyquestions11]

All other things aside. It's been 4 and a half hours and she has not responded to me yet. So she is still out.

 

Makes me mind wander again...what dinner could take this long? It would take 45 minutes max one way to get from her house to dinner, and another 45 to get back.

 

Strange..

[crazyquestions11]

Well, you do lack trust or you would believe what she told you without proof. But that's okay, because some people are untrustworthy. But you can't say you trust her and then ask to see proof of messages and whatnot.

 

Are you going to need documentation of everything she says? I don't blame you for feeling suspicious, because what she did was wrong and weird as hell. Again, NO WOMAN is going to go out with a man she doesn't really know unless she wants to. Especially if her bf said it bothered him.

 

And just bc they weren't flirting via text doesn't mean he doesn't want something from her. Being real, if I wanted to hang out with a friend (one I actually KNEW) and they told me they were busy, I'd be like, cool, let me know when you're free. and leave it at that. Being that persistent with someone you don't even know who has a bf= I desperately want something from you.

 

She's worried about hurting his feelings but was she worried about yours?? Nope. There would have been nothing wrong with telling her you didn't want her to go, especially since SHE supposedly didn't want to go.

 

Maybe it was all innocent and pigs flew in the sky, but why would you want a partner who can't say no? Even when she supposedly wants to?

 

I totally agree, but I also feel my situation isn't that clear. I'm pretty confident they never have had anything going for them and furthermore, he really isn't attractive. What he does have going for him is that he is loaded and is in a highly prestigious field making "bank".

 

I'm not poor, don't get me wrong, but I'm nowhere near his level of wealth (think day trips or weekend trips to foreign countries with no second thoughts).

 

I agree that I feel a bit hurt that she put my feelings towards it a little behind the fact that she would have caused some minor inconvenience to her relative sending her to the metro. It was more of that, than fearing how the other guy would react because up until 3 hours before the dinner, he never even replied to her message.

 

Also, reading the messages, it wasn't really that persistent as you may imagine. It was more like "come hang with my friends and I" to which she said it's too far and too spontaneous. Then he tried making plans for the next day or the next next day.

 

I wouldn't say that's exactly persistent since the first time was more of like "hey we're out come join us if you can" and that wouldn't have been exactly the best situation if he really wanted to try something.

 

I'm just a bit worried about her because it's nearing midnight and she still isn't back and she's been gone since 5pm.

[JewelD]

All other things aside. It's been 4 and a half hours and she has not responded to me yet. So she is still out.

 

Makes me mind wander again...what dinner could take this long? It would take 45 minutes max one way to get from her house to dinner, and another 45 to get back.

 

Strange..

 

Not strange at all. They're probably having a good time on their date. btw, how do you know how long it takes to get to dinner? If she's willing to travel 45 minutes to have dinner with someone she doesn't even want to see....

[crazyquestions11]

Not strange at all. They're probably having a good time on their date. btw, how do you know how long it takes to get to dinner? If she's willing to travel 45 minutes to have dinner with someone she doesn't even want to see....

 

I saw her messages. She lives rather far out in her country at her relative's house, away from the city, and there's nowhere to really eat except in the city. It's about a 20 min drive to the metro and another 20 on the metro to the city. Either that or like a 45 minute cab ride from where she lives.

 

I still feel like she is bored being so isolated out there and wanted to just change things up for a bit and see the city more often.

[JewelD]

I totally agree, but I also feel my situation isn't that clear. I'm pretty confident they never have had anything going for them and furthermore, he really isn't attractive. What he does have going for him is that he is loaded and is in a highly prestigious field making "bank".

 

I'm not poor, don't get me wrong, but I'm nowhere near his level of wealth (think day trips or weekend trips to foreign countries with no second thoughts).

 

I agree that I feel a bit hurt that she put my feelings towards it a little behind the fact that she would have caused some minor inconvenience to her relative sending her to the metro. It was more of that, than fearing how the other guy would react because up until 3 hours before the dinner, he never even replied to her message.

 

Also, reading the messages, it wasn't really that persistent as you may imagine. It was more like "come hang with my friends and I" to which she said it's too far and too spontaneous. Then he tried making plans for the next day or the next next day.

 

I wouldn't say that's exactly persistent since the first time was more of like "hey we're out come join us if you can" and that wouldn't have been exactly the best situation if he really wanted to try something.

 

I'm just a bit worried about her because it's nearing midnight and she still isn't back and she's been gone since 5pm.

 

You're in denial. That IS persistent. If a person says no, or that they are busy and you keep suggesting days, you are being persistent.

 

Doesn't matter if its with friends (he has friends? why does he need her to come so desperately then? It's not like he's alone in a foreign country then) or one-on-one, it's clear he really wants to spend time with her.

 

That whole, come over and take off your clothes thing isn't every man's game. Some like to play it cool at first.

[JewelD]

I saw her messages. She lives rather far out in her country at her relative's house, away from the city, and there's nowhere to really eat except in the city. It's about a 20 min drive to the metro and another 20 on the metro to the city. Either that or like a 45 minute cab ride from where she lives.

 

I still feel like she is bored being so isolated out there and wanted to just change things up for a bit and see the city more often.

 

She's not isolated, she's with her relatives. Everybody gets bored, doesn't mean it's time to go on a date with a dude and try to call it something else.