Girlfriend going to dinner with a guy we both "don't know that well"?

[frus69]

if I wasn't super busy or anything, if a male friend asked me to grab some food together and catch up, I'd go. I wouldn't consider it a date and since he also has a GF, I'd see it as a friend's catch up situation.

If this was a single guy and he was acting interested and asked me out for dinner, then I wouldn't go.

 

 

Maybe your GF rejects other guys because they were hitting on her. She didn't reject this guy cuz he wasn't hitting on her, was just a friendly dinner

Edited July 12, 2016 by frus69

[crazyquestions11]

How long is she away for?

How much of your relationship until now was with you both in the same place?

 

This is her last week there. It was for the last 2 years, all of it.

 

This is just asking for trouble, IMHO. I can say with absolute certainty that I wouldn't like my boyfriend meeting up with some woman he hardly knows, alone for dinner, regardless of the circumstances. LDR or not. Since it seems like you aren't 100% comfortable with this situation, you need to bring it to her attention and talk about it. She can still decline tactfully.

 

Yeah this is how I feel.

 

if I wasn't super busy or anything, if a male friend asked me to grab some food together and catch up, I'd go. I wouldn't consider it a date and since he also has a GF, I'd see it as a friend's catch up situation.

If this was a single guy and he was acting interested and asked me out for dinner, then I wouldn't go.

 

But this is how I feel too...however, this isn't a "friend". More of like an acquaintance that never hung out or even talked to in person before outside of educational matters.

[TheBathWater]

I don't see the problem.

 

She's in a relationship. He's in a relationship. They're both in the same foreign country where they don't know many people, and they are vague acquaintances from the same home town.

 

This sounds more like a "let's hang out because we're the only people we know here" than a date. They just happen to be of the opposite sex.

 

 

Guys, guys!!! Check out this news. Major findings just in...

 

Headline: Loveshackers decide that being in a relationship guards against cheating and that hanging out in an isolated location is no cause for concern

 

Can't wait to read all about it

[frus69]

But this is how I feel too...however, this isn't a "friend". More of like an acquaintance that never hung out or even talked to in person before outside of educational matters.

Well acquaintance is still someone you know, not a total stranger. I'd still go. After all you went to the same school, could talk about some old time stuff.

 

 

I don't know why this guy is so keen to catch up but I don't really think your GF did a terrible thing by agreeing to that. Besides she is telling you all this. If you trust her you shouldn't be so worried. Maybe the long distance thing makes is hard to trust someone?

 

 

But I guess if my BF was so strongly against the idea, then I wouldn't do it, just for him. But I personally don't see it as a huge deal

Edited July 12, 2016 by frus69

[crazyquestions11]

Guys, guys!!! Check out this news. Major findings just in...

 

Headline: Loveshackers decide that being in a relationship guards against cheating and that hanging out in an isolated location is no cause for concern

 

Can't wait to read all about it

 

LOL

 

Well acquaintance is still someone you know, not a total stranger. I'd still go. After all you went to the same school, could talk about some old time stuff.

 

 

I don't know why this guy is so keen to catch up but I don't really think your GF did a terrible thing by agreeing to that. Besides she is telling you all this. If you trust her you shouldn't be so worried. Maybe the long distance thing makes is hard to trust someone?

 

 

But I guess if my BF was so strongly against the idea, then I wouldn't do it, just for him. But I personally don't see it as a huge deal

 

I like this rational thinking. Right now it's not too bad. I'm just going to take a chill pill and do the best I can to trust and not think too much I guess. In the end, I don't think she would cheat anyways.

 

It's true that they're not a total stranger, but my gf's personality isn't the type to hang with an acquaintance. She usually feels awk even to hang with "friends" who are not her besties.

[Poutrew]

Well, if she is going to cheat on you , you aren't going to be able to stop her. If she does anything with this guy, then she has revealed herself to be not 'the one' for you. Best to find out about this now, rather than after you are married and have 3 kids with her. Anyway, you know the drill. Have her text you before and after the dinner. Then maybe again after a while, and if she suddenly goes silent, you can get worried. Too bad you don't have location services on on her phone - you can track her in real time the whole night. Maybe suggest she enables it on her phone if it isn't already activated? She should have no problem doing it for you, right? If she says no, or that you're are being controlling, then you have an answer on which you can begin formulating a response to. Good luck.

[frus69]

. Too bad you don't have location services on on her phone - you can track her in real time the whole night. Maybe suggest she enables it on her phone if it isn't already activated? She should have no problem doing it for you, right? If she says no, or that you're are being controlling, then you have an answer on which you can begin formulating a response to. Good luck.

 

wow that does sound quite controlling..Tracking your GF on GPS? and the girl has no right to say no otherwise she's shady? Hmm..wonder how guys would feel if their GF needs to track them...

If she proves herself innocent, should OP feel guilty/sorry for stalking?

 

 

If your relationship gets to the point that you need to track their location, maybe it's better you find someone who you trust more...

[phineas]

Well acquaintance is still someone you know, not a total stranger. I'd still go. After all you went to the same school, could talk about some old time stuff.

 

 

I don't know why this guy is so keen to catch up but I don't really think your GF did a terrible thing by agreeing to that. Besides she is telling you all this. If you trust her you shouldn't be so worried. Maybe the long distance thing makes is hard to trust someone?

 

 

But I guess if my BF was so strongly against the idea, then I wouldn't do it, just for him. But I personally don't see it as a huge deal

 

He's keen to catch up cause he wants to bang her.

Duh.

[frus69]

He's keen to catch up cause he wants to bang her.

Duh.

 

Alright, assume that's the case, but as long as she doesn't want to bang him, then we don't have any problem here.

 

 

If OP is just so uncomfortable, then he should just tell his GF and be honest with her. She probably won't go anymore to make him happy, right? If she insists, then we will talk the problem

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I live abroad too (female here, 35)

 

On the random occasions I come across someone from home (which is not often!) we do usually meet and catch up. It is nice to see a familiar face when you're far away. I generally also invite my mister along (he is a native my adopted city) I welcome the opportunity to introduce him to people who share my background.

 

I wouldn't panic at this point. But keep your eyes open. The fact that she at first said she didn't want to and then changed her mind is a bit odd. Perhaps she was trying to appease you by initially saying she didn't want to meet him. Does his girlfriend also live in the country where they are now?

 

Do you trust her to establish a boundary? If you do, you don't need to worry. She will make it clear she's not interested. If you don't, you have a bigger problem.

[PerryK]

Wow, well this brings back memories....a lot of memories with different girls!

 

Girl example 1: Some guy from her college kept on knocking on at her house to hang out when he found out she lived local. She thought it was just friendly hanging out cause they live near. Nope, she started getting feelings for him while i couldnt see her that much because i was studying and working 24/7, he was always there. They got together.

 

Girl example 2: She went to uni while i was at a different uni, their was a guy on her course that came from her area originally and knew her cousin. She started hanging out with him as a familiar face, going for meals and told me she thought he was ugly and didnt want him. Well a month later of him always being there having their little jokes and getting close to him and them two got together.

 

Girl example 3: I was working the other side of the country. We went out for drinks with my brother and his mates when i was home and also their was her managers son who she had met once or twice. We all chatted as mates and then when we got back i had to drive to the other side of the country for work again, while away the guy messaged her saying that it was funny seeing her and they should meet up. Her without me had nothing better to do so went ahead. What started then was a month long affair.

 

 

I guess the moral of the story, these guys dont care if they are stepping on your toes. They see someone familiar that they may have fancied and they are away from their bf for an extended period. They think "holiday romance". It starts off with drinks, it starts off with going for food and chilling together. Well it makes sense that they hang out together because they know nobody else and are in this crazy new experience together. That is how it starts, a few drinks, shes missing you and just wants to be held and hes the next closest option, they share a kiss and then she goes to bed and he follows and shes lonely so doesnt tell him to leave.

[Tribble]

I understand why you'd feel uncomfortable but I do think you're overanalysing a little too much. You say you trust her, so where is the problem? If he has ulterior motives, let him. If you trust your gf, she can say no at that point.

 

 

I agree with others who have said she might just want to see someone she recognises as she's in a foreign place. She also might be trying to branch out a bit if she's normally quite reserved. If you're really uncomfortable, you can ask her not to go. If nothing untoward is going on, she should be quite happy to accommodate you as she isn't that bothered about going herself. As far as I can see, you haven't really made that point clear to her. If she still insists, maybe you have something to be worried about.

 

She's told you all about this and she's far away. If she really wanted to go on a date and cheat, she could very easily not bother telling you. Ultimately, nothing safeguards against cheating. Not being in a relationship, not you telling her not to go, not tracking her phone (which I think is extremely controlling and I would not consent to this myself). The only sure-fire way to stop cheating is down to her alone.

[Lorenza]

If keeping a person on a leash is the only thing that prevents him/her from cheating, what is such loyalty worth?

 

Ok so she will meet up with that guy and then what? If something more happens it was bound to happen with him or someone else.

 

Trust or break up.

[elaine567]

I don't understand how this got from "we should hang" to her giving him her user name for a text app, to her now going out for "dinner", when she was not that keen and she didn't want to go.

Does he live there, or has he just showed up in the very place your gf happens to be in too?

[Miss Clavel]

"you belong to me. we are together even though we don't see each other every day. i'm not concerned that you will do anything inappropriate while we are separated(little fib but keeping going) but i am very very concerned why you let someone coerce you into doing something you clearly said you did not want to do.

 

i mean concerned to the point of this characteristic of yours to be a deal breaker. how is it that complete strangers can make you do things you've said you do not want to do. i'm worried about what is next!

 

loaning our money to your family without asking/telling me. giving rides to hitchhikers when you're alone in the car? putting down large bets at the track, putting down large shots at the bar instead of coming straight home?"

 

 

 

 

 

good luck

[PerryK]

If keeping a person on a leash is the only thing that prevents him/her from cheating, what is such loyalty worth?

 

Ok so she will meet up with that guy and then what? If something more happens it was bound to happen with him or someone else.

 

Trust or break up.

 

When you play with fire you are going to get burned.

 

"Letting" (not in a controlling sense) her hang out with different guys in a test of trust is going to come back and bite you in the end.

 

Its like putting a load of meats under a dogs nose and saying "leave it". Your dog is going to want it, and im sure your gf will think these guys are attractive and think about doing things with them. Being upset, being lonely, being drunk, wanting a little attention. They will lead her to give in. Same as if that dog is hungry he wont be able to help himself despite the command.

 

 

Guys cheat because they are immature and want to impress their mates and show they are still fun to hang out with and can still pull even while taken to show theyre the ultimate 'lad'. They wont cheat cause they are unhappy, they wont cheat if they arent satisfied with their relationship, they wont cheat if they see someone attractive. Guys do it to show off.

 

Girls cheat because they are lonely, need a bit of attention, let themselves slip, because the other guy gave them the attention and made them smile how they needed that day. Girls cheat because she misses you and the guy gives her the attention that you would have if you were there. Girls do it because they need someone at that time.

[PegNosePete]

Alright, assume that's the case, but as long as she doesn't want to bang him, then we don't have any problem here.

Really? You think it's OK for a woman to want to "hang" with a guy who quite obviously wants to "bang" her, and take her out to dinner? Especially when she goes out of her way and jumps through so many convoluted hoops to make it happen, including asking her boyfriend for advice and then proceeding to completely ignore the advice he gives?

 

I would say that's a pretty major problem right there.

[phineas]

Alright, assume that's the case, but as long as she doesn't want to bang him, then we don't have any problem here.

 

 

If OP is just so uncomfortable, then he should just tell his GF and be honest with her. She probably won't go anymore to make him happy, right? If she insists, then we will talk the problem

 

Wrong.

We have a GF who is willingly going out on a date with a guy who wants to bang her.

 

I'd call that a problem.

[Lorenza]

When you play with fire you are going to get burned.

 

"Letting" (not in a controlling sense) her hang out with different guys in a test of trust is going to come back and bite you in the end.

 

Its like putting a load of meats under a dogs nose and saying "leave it". Your dog is going to want it, and im sure your gf will think these guys are attractive and think about doing things with them. Being upset, being lonely, being drunk, wanting a little attention. They will lead her to give in. Same as if that dog is hungry he wont be able to help himself despite the command.

 

 

Guys cheat because they are immature and want to impress their mates and show they are still fun to hang out with and can still pull even while taken to show theyre the ultimate 'lad'. They wont cheat cause they are unhappy, they wont cheat if they arent satisfied with their relationship, they wont cheat if they see someone attractive. Guys do it to show off.

 

Girls cheat because they are lonely, need a bit of attention, let themselves slip, because the other guy gave them the attention and made them smile how they needed that day. Girls cheat because she misses you and the guy gives her the attention that you would have if you were there. Girls do it because they need someone at that time.

 

I'm the jealous type and not even I am this possesive and insecure. Guys and girls cheat when they want to cheat, you can generalize as much as you want but it's a matter of everyone's personal choice and moral.

[TheBathWater]

In the mating game, a man's role is to pursue, while a woman's role is to signal availability or close the gates.

 

A lot of women don't see anything wrong with "hanging out" with other guys, not even alone for dinner, because they're not pursuers in the mating game. Many tell themselves that if they feel tempted they can just close the gates and everything will be fine.

 

Guys, on the other hand, know that their role is to pursue, and so if another guy is hanging out with your woman alone, whether she says she is interested or not, we register this as her signaling to him she is receptive to his pursuit. We know the other guy reads this signal as well and will continue to advance on her.

 

Women like to feel pursued and special. It's how society has taught them to get validation. On some level, I believe women in relationships will allow (and even encourage) other men to pursue them to some extent for the validation alone, if nothing else. In the back of their minds though, they think it's innocent.

 

My point is that cheating never "just happens." There is some tension and game that goes on back and forth between men and women based on pursuing and signaling availability. People like to play with this tension because it's fun, dramatic, mysterious, and erotic in and of itself. When cheating does happen, it's because at some point during this mating dance, things get real and people find themselves acting out in ways "they didn't plan for."

 

I can't ever recall a time when I was in an exclusive relationship with a woman and spent one-on-one time with another woman outside of a business context (i.e. there has never been a 'friendly' woman in my life when I'm in a relationship). No drinks, dinner, coffee, etc... Nada. I'm just not interested.

 

And I can't think of one woman I've been with (or that a buddy of mine has been with) who had guy friends she hung out with regularly and didn't cheat with them.

 

Long story, but yeah, if my girlfriend was in another country with some dude who wanted to take her out to dinner alone, hell no. And if she agrees to it? Not good. She can go if she chooses, of course, but me I'd probably call things off. She is signaling to him she is available to his advances, and he is very likely pursuing her. They both know this on some level. It doesn't mean they will act on it ultimately and have sex, but they are flirting with danger (and enjoying it), quite literally.

Edited July 12, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[crazyquestions11]

So an update:

 

She showed me the text exchanges after he contacted her. Nothing caught my eye because they even called each other dude and "man". He even said there was a chance he couldn't even make it because he was busy with work and had to put her in his schedule. All in all it was one of the most boring convos I've ever read. No emoji's, no flirty signs. Just "how about this...ok....yes cool...." kind of statements.

 

In her texts with the guy, she did try to change the topic once or twice, to no avail. She said she was busy the first time when he asked her to come out with his friends, so he said how about the next day, and if you're busy tomorrow, what about the next day or the day after? So it got the best of her and she agreed not thinking too much.

 

Anyways, as we speak, she is there now eating (hopefully) and just socializing casually. She told me she would ask him how his girlfriend was doing and mention me a few times as well. This makes me feel a lot better and I know I can only take her word for it.

 

I didn't try to stop her, but I did say many things that made the situation feel weird. She's pretty simple-minded I would say, so it got to her and she told me "stop you're making me feel weird about this". Told her to take pictures and update me, but she didn't want to bring her own phone because she has no signal in the country. So she took her mom's disposable phone with no camera or other functions.

 

Part of me wants to feel threatened cause it's another guy hanging out with my gf one on one, but part of me thinks, it's not that big of a deal based on the way they have interacted in the past in an educational capacity and through the texts.

 

And based on the messages in this thread, it seems that cheating could possibly happen over text, but physical cheating wouldn't be possible after this week as she's leaving the country. I would likely discover cheating over electronic mediums eventually, and I would notice if she's a bit absent in the way she talks.

 

As for my thoughts about this whole situation, she thinks I'm totally bonkers and thinking way too intensely. But we came to the conclusion before she left that it was already too late to change anything as she already had a close relative cancel their day plans to help send her to the metro (about 15-20 minutes away). So she felt guilty about "cancelling on the relative" and decided to just go ahead, but to do what we discussed above (talk about me and ask how his gf was doing).

 

There's no use stressing at this point. I can only sit back and focus on my own things and wait to hear her side of it all.

Edited July 12, 2016 by crazyquestions11

[GunslingerRoland]

Sorry to be the contrarian but I would meet up with an acquaintance to hang out if we both happened to be in a foreign country, it would never even cross my mind to think of it as a date.

[crazyquestions11]

Sorry to be the contrarian but I would meet up with an acquaintance to hang out if we both happened to be in a foreign country, it would never even cross my mind to think of it as a date.

 

No, I totally see where you're coming from too. I'm glad you could add this perspective!

[Lorenza]

You sound controlling and insecure... Making her show a private conversation, asking for pictures and updates and blowing everything way out of proportion.

[kendahke]

At the same time, I'm still not understanding why she gave in. She usually just finds an excuse like "I'm busy" or something. She isn't the type to usually just give in...

 

She also says she's very happy and not bored at home. So...

 

You did say he pestered her until she acquiesced. After the first "no", he should have gone on block. You'll have to ask her why she didn't block him, but don't be surprised if she tells you she didn't want to be mean.