crazyquestions11 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 (edited) Hi, I'm asking for advice here and not sure if I'm just jealous and thinking too much. My girlfriend is out of country and we are in a LDR. A person whom we both kind of know (meaning, we never hung out with him before, but knew him as we spoke with him and went to the same school) saw that my girlfriend was in the same country as he was from a facebook post. Turns out they weren't far from each other and he said "we should hang out" to her. She didn't really want to and told me about it. I obviously didn't want to be controlling so I told her it's totally her choice. In the end, he was persistent and she didn't want to be "mean" so she said ok. They have dinner planned because he works during the day and can't do a lunch. Now, I don't know how casual or formal this dinner is, but I'm hoping it's casual. She tells me everything, but I don't feel good about this guy, because first of all, none of us have ever "hung out" with him before. He does have a girlfriend. Essentially, she told me they will meet at like a mall and walk to find somewhere to eat cause they both are rather new to the area. She said he initially suggested a place to eat in a place surrounded by LV, Gucci stores, etc....which really struck me because that sounds like a "date". I am confused because it just seems weird a guy would be so persistent in trying to hang out with a girl he has never hung out with in person. They have talked on FB in the past in an academic way (in academic clubs or groups together with other people involved) but never in a "friends" kind of way. I usually have nothing against grabbing food or hanging out with guy friends whom she KNOWS well and has hung out with before, but this time it's odd to me. Is he trying to "get it in", "impress her", etc? It's also confusing because he has a girlfriend (as far as I know) Or am I thinking too much? Edited July 11, 2016 by crazyquestions11 1
Vado Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 What's the real reason your GF wants to hang out with him? 'Not to be mean' sounds a bit strange. If their is a specific purpose or if they have a common interest hardly nobody else has, alright. But orherwise... 1
VeveCakes Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Two strangers meeting for a meal not for business? It's a date... 5
Vado Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I once had diner with a woman whom was married, but the reason was we were the only two people in a region of more than a 100 miles who spoke a specific language and want to practice with each other, so we did, we get along, kind a friends, but no more than that. But without such a specific exception, it's a date 2
Author crazyquestions11 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 What's the real reason your GF wants to hang out with him? 'Not to be mean' sounds a bit strange. If their is a specific purpose or if they have a common interest hardly nobody else has, alright. But orherwise... Honestly, she's a very nice person and while they aren't "friends" per say, they aren't "strangers" either. He isn't "attractive" (she said), but he wanted to hang out because we all knew each other in one way or another. Not sure if he is just trying to be friendly and get closer as friends...or for another reason. If it helps, he is friends with a lot of girls and people in general. One word: no. Two strangers meeting for a meal not for business? It's a date... That's how I feel about it, but my other side tells me, what if it's just two alumni who happen to be in the same city grabbing food to catch up on post-grad? I once had diner with a woman whom was married, but the reason was we were the only two people in a region of more than a 100 miles who spoke a specific language and want to practice with each other, so we did, we get along, kind a friends, but no more than that. But without such a specific exception, it's a date The only thing in common here is that they both are from the same city, and the same district.
Author crazyquestions11 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 What is a bit weird (but maybe it's not), is that two days ago, her best friend's cousin hit on her, and she basically ignored him and replied with one word answers because he's like 10 years older than her (she's 25), and because he's her best friend's cousin and she barely knows him(they hung out once with her best friend around)...but I don't see the difference between that situation and this one. They are similar to me. The only thing that bothers me is she replied to this one and even agreed to dinner (albeit hesitantly).
JewelD Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 It's a date. She knows that. There's no way a woman is going to accept dinner with a man she barely knows just because she 'doesn't want to be mean'. Does she also give her number out to strangers who ask for it because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings? and one word answers to her best friend's cousin after hitting on her? Is this in person or through text? It's not that hard to say 'no' and leave it at that, in both situations.
Mikau Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I don't see the problem. She's in a relationship. He's in a relationship. They're both in the same foreign country where they don't know many people, and they are vague acquaintances from the same home town. This sounds more like a "let's hang out because we're the only people we know here" than a date. They just happen to be of the opposite sex. 10
kendahke Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 It could be she's a familiar face in an unfamiliar place and that's about all there is to it. I think you're overthinking this. 3
Author crazyquestions11 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 This is true, if framed this way, it suddenly seems harmless.
Author crazyquestions11 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 At the same time, I'm still not understanding why she gave in. She usually just finds an excuse like "I'm busy" or something. She isn't the type to usually just give in... She also says she's very happy and not bored at home. So...
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Holy moly she's feeding you a load of crap. She is totally playing it down to hide what's really going on. Of course nothing is adding. She's trying her best to make it look innocent. well that's just my two cents. 3
Author crazyquestions11 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Holy moly she's feeding you a load of crap. She is totally playing it down to hide what's really going on. Of course nothing is adding. She's trying her best to make it look innocent. well that's just my two cents. The only reason I'm hesitant to 100% decide is because there have been past situations (none out of country and with a person she barely knows) in which I have been very uncomfortable with her being in which turned out fine to my knowledge because she was in constant contact. These situations for instance for one, was with a person with whom she's had a "make out session" with in the past, but who was a best friend of hers and is still today. She was single at the time of the make out session so nothing against her for that, but she traveled on a road trip with an overnight in a hotel with all of her friends. (In thst situation she was with her two best girlfriends). So while I was uncomfortable I laughed it off and indeed nothing happened. This one technically I shouldn't be as uncomfortable, but still am uncomfortable lol Maybe for now the only way to be more comfortable is to try to ignore it and just keep in touch with her. I don't think I can feel any more comfortable about this situation as long as she goes but I can't control
Miss Peach Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 How old are both of you? I've found a lot of women think these men want to hang out with them for their personalities. Especially when they are younger. I have met a few men who are genuine and I do have a lot of male friends that I trust so it can happen. But I have to turn down 99% of them because they are really not looking for friendship. 2
joseb Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 See this is why I think ldrs are too much trouble. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it is. Hard to say. The one thing I picked up on is her describing him as not attractive. To me that sounds dodgy. If shes not thinking of it as a date, she shouldn't even be thinking about that. Maybe she protests too much. 1
getsmartie Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 She has issues with boundaries. It's very clear she should have said she cannot!
Author crazyquestions11 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 How old are both of you? I've found a lot of women think these men want to hang out with them for their personalities. Especially when they are younger. I have met a few men who are genuine and I do have a lot of male friends that I trust so it can happen. But I have to turn down 99% of them because they are really not looking for friendship. We're both 25 See this is why I think ldrs are too much trouble. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it is. Hard to say. The one thing I picked up on is her describing him as not attractive. To me that sounds dodgy. If shes not thinking of it as a date, she shouldn't even be thinking about that. Maybe she protests too much. She knows I'm always jealous about these to a certain extent, so she might also be saying this to affirm me that nothing will happen and it's simply just a meet up? Just want to clear up that it came from me starting the topic and leading her to say that he's not attractive She has issues with boundaries. It's very clear she should have said she cannot! Yes, I agree that it surpassed my boundaries for comfort. But at the same time, what are boundaries if it is a harmless alum meet up? That's where it gets blurred and frustrating and sadly only she and him will ever know the answer (unless she literally tells me all)
JMazza1015 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 This doesn't sounds very good. Since you say she's never had a problem blowing off guys before. I personally don't think he was persistent. I think she likes him and if he were persistent she would have been turned off. For me, that's a deal breaker since it's happened often. She sounds like she's testing you way too much. Either way. Just let her go and the best thing you can do is ask her how it was afterwards. If you trust her not to cheat that's all that matters. She's asking you to see what you'd say. If you would have flipped out she would have gotten mad but it seems like you played it cool. Let her do her. She can take care of herself but honestly if it were me and she keeps on going out with people like this it seems like she's unstable and I wouldn't want to be with her.
Author crazyquestions11 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 This doesn't sounds very good. Since you say she's never had a problem blowing off guys before. I personally don't think he was persistent. I think she likes him and if he were persistent she would have been turned off. For me, that's a deal breaker since it's happened often. She sounds like she's testing you way too much. Either way. Just let her go and the best thing you can do is ask her how it was afterwards. If you trust her not to cheat that's all that matters. She's asking you to see what you'd say. If you would have flipped out she would have gotten mad but it seems like you played it cool. Let her do her. She can take care of herself but honestly if it were me and she keeps on going out with people like this it seems like she's unstable and I wouldn't want to be with her. She wouldn't usually, which is why it lead to my mixed feelings. She's usually the "reserved, don't like to go out too much except when with me" type of gal. Also, to clarify, I'm not sure I could say persistent. It basically went like this: 1. He posts something along the lines of "wow you're here too, we should hang" 2. She sees and asks me wtf to do cause she doesn't want to 3. I tell her just do you and that i don't really like how he's doing that 4. She replies yes im here too 5. he asks for her username for a text app 6. She gives him it and texts me saying I hope he doesn't reply blah blah, and indeed he stopped responding for a bit 7. He adds her and replies and she replies, but he dissappears for a bit again, and then replies half a day later 8. They make their plans which I am unsure about except for the aforementioned. So I guess this doesn't really count as persistent? Maybe I miscommunicated to you all about the persistence.
JMazza1015 Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 Yeah. I mean either way you got your hands tied. She should have said no. Does she not have any girl friends there? my opinion. Dump her. What do you think would happen if you went out with a girl alone for dinner at a mall? Bottom line. She's making you feel like you have to think about whether or not she's cheating on you or not. It must feel ****ty. Im not sure how far in the relationship you guys are so its kinda hard to tell. I think you're being too lenient and shouldn't stand for that. That's just how I feel. I'd want someone where I wouldn't have to worry about what she's doing. I think it's kind of ridiculous. She's literally going on a date while you are home wondering. Maybe next time it happens say no if you feel uncomfortable. If she gets pissed just say your goodbyes. Easier said than done but I think that's for the best. 1
JewelD Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 She wouldn't usually, which is why it lead to my mixed feelings. She's usually the "reserved, don't like to go out too much except when with me" type of gal. Also, to clarify, I'm not sure I could say persistent. It basically went like this: 1. He posts something along the lines of "wow you're here too, we should hang" 2. She sees and asks me wtf to do cause she doesn't want to 3. I tell her just do you and that i don't really like how he's doing that 4. She replies yes im here too 5. he asks for her username for a text app 6. She gives him it and texts me saying I hope he doesn't reply blah blah, and indeed he stopped responding for a bit 7. He adds her and replies and she replies, but he dissappears for a bit again, and then replies half a day later 8. They make their plans which I am unsure about except for the aforementioned. So I guess this doesn't really count as persistent? Maybe I miscommunicated to you all about the persistence. What was the point in her asking you what to do if you told her you didn't like it and she decides to respond to him anyway? It sounds like bs bc it is. "I hope he doesn't reply, but I'm going to open lines of communication and talk to him anyway". That's just not how it works. By the age of 25, most women have mastered the art of blowing men off they are not interested in. It's not that hard. Especially if she's already in a relationship. Maybe it could have been a friendly meetup, but she told you she really didn't want to go. and yet she created the perfect situation so that she IS going. She's telling you one thing but her actions aren't reflecting that. And just bc she and dude are in relationships (or so you think) doesn't mean he can't have a romantic interest in your girlfriend. He knows YOU aren't there and his girlfriend is not there either. 2
Author crazyquestions11 Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 Yeah. I mean either way you got your hands tied. She should have said no. Does she not have any girl friends there? my opinion. Dump her. What do you think would happen if you went out with a girl alone for dinner at a mall? Bottom line. She's making you feel like you have to think about whether or not she's cheating on you or not. It must feel ****ty. Im not sure how far in the relationship you guys are so its kinda hard to tell. I think you're being too lenient and shouldn't stand for that. That's just how I feel. I'd want someone where I wouldn't have to worry about what she's doing. I think it's kind of ridiculous. She's literally going on a date while you are home wondering. Maybe next time it happens say no if you feel uncomfortable. If she gets pissed just say your goodbyes. Easier said than done but I think that's for the best. True, but at the same time, what if it isn't that extreme? We have enough trust to know that if we go to the mall with a girl to eat, and we know that girl well enough, then it's no questions asked and fine. This case is different because this dude is an acquaintance. I really couldn't dump her because we've worked out so many problems in the past, and I'm simply assuming right now
joseb Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 How long is she away for? How much of your relationship until now was with you both in the same place?
vanhalenfan Posted July 12, 2016 Posted July 12, 2016 This is just asking for trouble, IMHO. I can say with absolute certainty that I wouldn't like my boyfriend meeting up with some woman he hardly knows, alone for dinner, regardless of the circumstances. LDR or not. Since it seems like you aren't 100% comfortable with this situation, you need to bring it to her attention and talk about it. She can still decline tactfully. 1
Recommended Posts