Miss Peach Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Been dating BF for 14 months. BF is very traditional, monogamous,marriage minded, etc. Initially BF told me he loved how he could be so inhibited from me (which has stopped). BF tells me he loves me, would like to eventually get married, etc. We have had only 4 arguments. All the same pattern. Basically I do something or say something that leaves BF feeling hurt or rejected. He feels rejected and withdraws. I ask him if something's wrong. He tells me what's wrong and says he can't be vulnerable. I apologize, tell him that's not the kind of relationship I want, ask him what can we do to make things better. He says OK and acts 99% like before. But nothing ever feels resolved. I'm seeing a pattern I don't want to keep repeating. I also don't want both of us to start putting up walls. If it helps here are the arguments: 1. Parents come to town and he's upset I only take him on one of the 3 times I see them. I'm normally not the type to introduce a man I'm not living with but take him anyway. He would have been invited to 2 of them but was going out of town for work the second one. I wanted 1 day to catch up with my parents with my kiddo and allow my kiddo to spend some time with her grandparents. 2. We start getting into dirty talk. BF says a really odd phrase that I had no idea how to respond to during sex. It didn't offend me and he's free to say it if he wants to. He felt that meant I wasn't accepting enough. 3. BF brings up the potential of getting married during sex. I tell him I could see that but we can talk about more seriously another time. Tells me afterward I shouldn't take it so seriously but that he sees I can't handle him being open. 4. BF tries to initiate sex late at night but doesn't do anything except spoon me. I fall asleep for a few minutes. He took that as a rejection.
jen1447 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Hm Peaches ....based on first read this doesn't seem like all that big a deal. Could it be fixed w a very enthusiastic BJ to soothe his ego? Otherwise why not just sit him down for 'the talk' where you reassure him you love him and won't hurt him (assuming those things are true lol) and that he's safe w you. That seems like the heart of the matter - insecurity - in each of the fights. 1
bummer Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Sounds immature and inexperienced. Just be patient and show him healthy habits?
JoeSmith357-1 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Do you like him? Are you into him? If so, the blowjob idea is a great ego booster to an obviously fragile guy. Show up unannounced to his house, grab him, suck him off, then let him cuddle with you or something while you watch a movie.
Author Miss Peach Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 I totally agree that this seems to be from insecurity. I do believe it when he tried to tell me I am taking things too seriously when he's upset that it's just to cover up his ego. I love him and tell him so. I've even told him this is my best relationship a few times. We already have sex 1-2 times per day when we see each other. We see each other about 4x per week. I always give him nice, long BJs when I see him. I am more sexually aggressive most of the time. I always bring him small presents each time we see each other like honey from the farmer's market or his favorite drink. I make him dinner weekly. I thank him for all the nice things he does for me. I tell him how sexy he is. Etc. I've already tried reassuring him I enjoy these things, I want him to be himself, etc. Not sure what else I can do. Or even if I should. I don't want to let past relationships cloud my current one but I have one ex who was insanely jealous and couldn't get secure due to an ex cheating. I really wish I had left that relationship sooner but I was young and kept thinking I would be able to make that guy secure. I don't see any jealousy with current BF but he's obviously not secure about something. As for the inexperienced part. He's actually older than me and has been in more and longer LTRs than me. He reads self help books like I do and we have discussed a few of them. But he insists he knows how to be in a relationship so going that route I don't think will help his ego at all.
losangelena Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I dunno. I'm not sure I'd reward such behavior with a bj. 3
jen1447 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 (edited) I dunno. I'm not sure I'd reward such behavior with a bj. Yeah ....in retrospect and in light of your followup post Peaches, you might want to 'manage' him w the opposite tactic. If he's just being [whiny], maybe show him what's it's like to get less of what he likes as his reward. Also bc him being 'sex boss' is untenable. That may sound dramatic and even a little mean but it actually usually works to re-establish the sex rank. Edited July 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language
Methodical Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 MP, I recall a similar type post where his insecurity issues negatively affected your relationship. IIRC, he was butt hurt bc you wanted a little down time...like one night to yourself without the kids or him. You weren't asking for a relationship break, just a single night to unwind and he got pissy and accused you of not wanting to spend quality time with him. IMO, he blurs the lines by reading too much into what should be a simplistic statement or request. He has made several comments about his inability to be vulnerable with you. To me, that says he is projecting past experience with another person onto you and is trying to hold you accountable for someone else's actions. Not cool! You've had the insecurity talk with him. Seems like that straightens him out temporarily, but then he slowly slips back into the same mind-set and pattern of behavior. I'm voting for not rewarding petulance. Yes, couples should be able to talk to one another in a mature manner and discuss issues. It shouldn't be one sided. However, when the issue is something that lies within himself, and isn't a result of something you have contributed to, then he needs to do some soul searching introspection to find the root of his issue and properly address the cause instead of placing a band-aid on the effect. 1
JoeSmith357-1 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 (edited) Yeah ....in retrospect and in light of your followup post Peaches, you might want to 'manage' him w the opposite tactic. If he's just being [whiny] maybe show him what's it's like to get less of what he likes as his reward. Also bc him being 'sex boss' is untenable. That may sound dramatic and even a little mean but it actually usually works to re-establish the sex rank. It's also a form of manipulation... Yeah, he's being [whiny], I concede, but not sure that manipulative tactics are the way to remedy that. Probably will not have the desired result. Think this one might be a lost cause anyway Edited July 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language
Author Miss Peach Posted July 12, 2016 Author Posted July 12, 2016 I don't want to manipulate him but I don't want to reward bad behavior per se either. The thing is he's moved on in his mind so the only things are for me to bring it up for discussion again or to handle it differently next time it happens. Normally I assume the best for little things but since I am still thinking about it I would normally say something. The thing is I'm not sure what it would accomplish. He seems to have his view, I have mine, and we just seem to go around in circles without much resolution. Should I at least share how it made me feel and what I don't want to see in our relationship? I will add that I am very naturally a bit reserved and very easy going but these discussions always make me emotional, I cry, etc. It's the only thing he does that makes me cry. Part of me wonders if he is doing it to get me emotional to see if I care. This is a tactic an ex of mine used a lot to control me. Maybe if it happens again flip the switch and hold back that emotion?
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