Stressed out GF asking for space

[biker23]

Wanted to ask this by starting with some detail to better the advice.

 

GF and I started our relationship very quickly but only 3 months ago. Met her family within a week, her kids...said I love you within a month. Talked often, spent many many days together.

 

One month in she started having some stress in her life. Ex issues, financial, legal and health...I was always listening and doing what I could..but then she would ask for a day off for space...canceling our plans to spend with her kids (I initially struggled with it, but it wasnt me, it was her need) Always saying it was not me, it was her. She is a great gf..meaning she wants to be 'ON' when with me...especially given its so new...so even if we are just hanging out, it is additional 'work' and thus stress.

 

Next 6 weeks had great times and so so times. Comments at times that she is overwhelmed. Felt she was giving all she could with job, kids, family, friends and felt she may not have anymore to give a relationship and that wasnt fair to me. But yet she'd invite me to join a night out with GFs, or dinner with family coming to town..spend days together with her kids and friends. Lots of I Love you and talks and interest...great interaction. But there were challenging times where she would be down from the stress and turn to wine to solve it...more than usual if you know what i mean. she also went to a therapist and talked about events from her past which i thought was a great move.

 

Then the past 2 weeks...after a great weekend, she backed off...got into a minor auto accident and she went over the deep end..said she was over everything and is sorry, its not me but she also didnt want to see me or anyone. I left on a short 5 day vacation that had been planned for months and during that time she had a court date for her legal issue that went poorly..and we talked on phone about it (literally at the courthouse to help her decide on a course of action). she spend the weekend with friends and we talked once (a bit of a bender weekend given what happened that friday at the court). Im sure that weekend she talked endlessly with her friends about all her stress and me.

 

I came back and we had planned to get together that day and she was hesitant...said she enjoyed her space and just didnt want to make plans (with me or friends that day). Really stressed out. She did call back and we spent a long day together. But it was different..she was a bit distant and cold at times. not all the time, but it was different. some sporadic conversations over the next couple days then a long talk last week. She basically said she wanted space and I wasnt giving her enough. Said she didnt want to label our relationship (e.g. not boyfriend/girlfriend anymore). I said as long as WE were OK, I was good with space...I said I dont want to see other people, she mumbled that i could if I wanted (opposite of her from 2 weeks prior). Said her friends (whom she spent the previous weekend with) complained they dont see her enough anymore and its because she is with me. I stupidly didnt ask questions like is this temporary or is this a non-confrontational way to break up. I did text her the next day in the evening, just a simple hope your day went well, Im around if you want to talk or need help. She responded thanks but that she asked for space and to please respect it.

 

So Ive decided the No Contact approach...let her reach out to me. Its been 3-4 days only and no contact. I truly do understand her stress, sure Id like to be involved to help her, but I cant fix it...and she apparently wants to simplify her life while dealing with all of this. What I dont understand is how quickly it went from LOVE to a bit cold and REALLY wanting space. Granted, she had been asking for space and I really was never giving it plus her auto accident and court date ramped everything to 100.

 

I guess what Im asking is, makes sense she is asking for space and isnt just ending our relationship? many say its an excuse, but these circumstances seem different to me.

 

Agree I just wait for her to contact me given she asked fairly aggressively for me to respect her request?

 

thx

[joseb]

Run from this train wreck as fast as you can.

 

Next time, look for the red flags- introducing you to her kids in a week?

ILY in a few weeks....

Constant problems, especially around money, drink/drugs and exes...

 

Run run run.

 

Luckily she has already pretty much broken up anyway, so you don't even need to feel like you have to make any decision.

Count your blessings. Seriously.

[Zahara]

Breaks are often a lead into a break-up. It's a cowardly way of asking for a break-up or sometimes a way to put you in fallback spot while they ponder as to what they truly want to do with you, explore or figure out their next steps.

 

Personally, and speaking from experience, the ones that shoot off the blocks fast often crash and burn really quickly. Most times it's the excitement that drives them from 0-60 and seeing that within a month she was already involving her kids, is a red flag. You both exchanged "I love you" when you both hardly even knew each other and now within 3 months she's open to you dating others?

 

Yes, it is an excuse.

[Redhead14]

Wanted to ask this by starting with some detail to better the advice.

 

GF and I started our relationship very quickly but only 3 months ago. Met her family within a week, her kids...said I love you within a month. Talked often, spent many many days together.

 

One month in she started having some stress in her life. Ex issues, financial, legal and health...I was always listening and doing what I could..but then she would ask for a day off for space...canceling our plans to spend with her kids (I initially struggled with it, but it wasnt me, it was her need) Always saying it was not me, it was her. She is a great gf..meaning she wants to be 'ON' when with me...especially given its so new...so even if we are just hanging out, it is additional 'work' and thus stress.

 

Next 6 weeks had great times and so so times. Comments at times that she is overwhelmed. Felt she was giving all she could with job, kids, family, friends and felt she may not have anymore to give a relationship and that wasnt fair to me. But yet she'd invite me to join a night out with GFs, or dinner with family coming to town..spend days together with her kids and friends. Lots of I Love you and talks and interest...great interaction. But there were challenging times where she would be down from the stress and turn to wine to solve it...more than usual if you know what i mean. she also went to a therapist and talked about events from her past which i thought was a great move.

 

Then the past 2 weeks...after a great weekend, she backed off...got into a minor auto accident and she went over the deep end..said she was over everything and is sorry, its not me but she also didnt want to see me or anyone. I left on a short 5 day vacation that had been planned for months and during that time she had a court date for her legal issue that went poorly..and we talked on phone about it (literally at the courthouse to help her decide on a course of action). she spend the weekend with friends and we talked once (a bit of a bender weekend given what happened that friday at the court). Im sure that weekend she talked endlessly with her friends about all her stress and me.

 

I came back and we had planned to get together that day and she was hesitant...said she enjoyed her space and just didnt want to make plans (with me or friends that day). Really stressed out. She did call back and we spent a long day together. But it was different..she was a bit distant and cold at times. not all the time, but it was different. some sporadic conversations over the next couple days then a long talk last week. She basically said she wanted space and I wasnt giving her enough. Said she didnt want to label our relationship (e.g. not boyfriend/girlfriend anymore). I said as long as WE were OK, I was good with space...I said I dont want to see other people, she mumbled that i could if I wanted (opposite of her from 2 weeks prior). Said her friends (whom she spent the previous weekend with) complained they dont see her enough anymore and its because she is with me. I stupidly didnt ask questions like is this temporary or is this a non-confrontational way to break up. I did text her the next day in the evening, just a simple hope your day went well, Im around if you want to talk or need help. She responded thanks but that she asked for space and to please respect it.

 

So Ive decided the No Contact approach...let her reach out to me. Its been 3-4 days only and no contact. I truly do understand her stress, sure Id like to be involved to help her, but I cant fix it...and she apparently wants to simplify her life while dealing with all of this. What I dont understand is how quickly it went from LOVE to a bit cold and REALLY wanting space. Granted, she had been asking for space and I really was never giving it plus her auto accident and court date ramped everything to 100.

 

I guess what Im asking is, makes sense she is asking for space and isnt just ending our relationship? many say its an excuse, but these circumstances seem different to me.

 

Agree I just wait for her to contact me given she asked fairly aggressively for me to respect her request?

 

thx

 

No contact isn't about letting the other person reach out to you first, no contact is about deciding that you're done with the relationship and moving on without making or accepting contact from the other person.

 

And, yes, sometimes a person will ask for space in times of difficulty and you should give it to them and let them reach out to you when they are ready and with a light, supportive text or call from you to let them know you're there for them. But it shouldn't take a week or more. If they do that, it's over.

 

And, if they ask for space often, there's something else wrong. Space now and again, isn't a bad thing, but if they've done it once, maybe twice and you've given it, that should make it so they get closer to you, sharing more with you and not needing it as much. Space is usually something that is needed if the person isn't able to confide or trust in you and get the support they need. This usually happens early in a relationship when the foundation is still being built. There are things that they don't feel they can/should involve you in. If a person is truly invested in the other and experiencing difficulty, they will want to talk to you, need your support, etc. Not cut you out.

 

Let this play out. See how long it takes her to come back. Three or 4 days at this point in your relationship is a little too much, IMO, but sit back and observe. I often say, here, that when someone tells me they need space, I become NASA and they can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. And, depending on how long it takes, they may find that they have another problem . . . I don't want them anymore.

[smackie9]

TBH I think she is pretty much done. I get you could use some closure, but as you can see she's not ready to commit her energy into a relationship at this time in her life and that's a good thing. At least she acknowledges that she has priorities that are necessary for her deal with. Well from my perspective this is what could be happening. Don't be a white knight, let her go.

[biker23]

And, if they ask for space often, there's something else wrong. Space now and again, isn't a bad thing, but if they've done it once, maybe twice and you've given it, that should make it so they get closer to you, sharing more with you and not needing it as much. Space is usually something that is needed if the person isn't able to confide or trust in you and get the support they need. This usually happens early in a relationship when the foundation is still being built. There are things that they don't feel they can/should involve you in. If a person is truly invested in the other and experiencing difficulty, they will want to talk to you, need your support, etc. Not cut you out.

 

When I looked back to remind myself. She would talk about space but rarely take action. I mean we might not get together on a particular night. Or she would go out with her kids and not include me after we had already planned it...small things of which I understood. But we'd talk everyday. but yes, foundation being built.

 

then after her auto accident and her going off the deep end we talked about it before my vacation and i said it was a good time for me to go on vacation...but we still sorta stayed connected. a text a day or a quick call. until the weekend when she was with her friends. but when I came back, honestly I threw space out the window and immediately expected us to go out on the 4th like we had talked about. then texted her as normal the next couple days until our discussion. I got the feeling after looking at it that she still obviously needed the space and I was ignoring that request and she got more aggressive with it. still too early to have that foundation.

 

I think the latest poster is right on that she is prioritizing her life and right now she cannot handle a relationship and she hinted at that when stating she is giving all she can in other aspects of her life. And I am the 'new' factor in her life right now...thus the first to go...even though we were already in the 'love' stage. Its a shame honestly as before all her stress it was great (and a new honeymoon period I know). She comments on she was ready when we first meet, then all this crap hit the fan.

 

Per the poster on a train wreck. Im more sympathetic since i know her obviously. I aware of it and do monitor etc. But everyone makes mistakes and honestly only 1 of her issues is self caused. Her ex issues were because of our relationship and his jealously and the financial issues were connected to the ex issues. Her medical issues required a new medicine that caused some side effects that included mental/mood IMO.

 

I hope she reaches out, but given her state she may not...she may be in a cocoon. But I will send a sweet text later this week..so a week. I was mixed on that as it shows I'm hanging around, but it also shows I care...

[Art_Critic]

She is burning the candles at both ends.. between the kids, court, you and I'm sure the next guy she has in the wings she is just doing to much.

 

You listen to the women that ask for space, you grant it and never speak to them again.

Why would you want to be with someone whose reaction to your relationship is to leave ?

[kendahke]

I think you need to decide if being an inconvenience is what you want to be. She's treating you like one.

 

I guess what Im asking is, makes sense she is asking for space and isnt just ending our relationship? many say its an excuse, but these circumstances seem different to me.

 

Don't waste your time trying to split that hair. She's ending your relationship.

 

She's too messy; her life is too messy. She needs to go sort herself out and leave you alone.

Edited July 11, 2016 by kendahke

[SevenCity]

I agree with what everyone says. Ask yourself, if the roles were reversed would you want to push her out of your life? I bet no. And therein lies the problem.

 

And it was ok you seeing other people? Would you ever say that to someone you love?

 

You want what she won't give you. It's still early on so cut your losses before it gets too painful to do so.

[Redhead14]

When I looked back to remind myself. She would talk about space but rarely take action. I mean we might not get together on a particular night. Or she would go out with her kids and not include me after we had already planned it...small things of which I understood. But we'd talk everyday. but yes, foundation being built.

 

then after her auto accident and her going off the deep end we talked about it before my vacation and i said it was a good time for me to go on vacation...but we still sorta stayed connected. a text a day or a quick call. until the weekend when she was with her friends. but when I came back, honestly I threw space out the window and immediately expected us to go out on the 4th like we had talked about. then texted her as normal the next couple days until our discussion. I got the feeling after looking at it that she still obviously needed the space and I was ignoring that request and she got more aggressive with it. still too early to have that foundation.

 

I think the latest poster is right on that she is prioritizing her life and right now she cannot handle a relationship and she hinted at that when stating she is giving all she can in other aspects of her life. And I am the 'new' factor in her life right now...thus the first to go...even though we were already in the 'love' stage. Its a shame honestly as before all her stress it was great (and a new honeymoon period I know). She comments on she was ready when we first meet, then all this crap hit the fan.

 

Per the poster on a train wreck. Im more sympathetic since i know her obviously. I aware of it and do monitor etc. But everyone makes mistakes and honestly only 1 of her issues is self caused. Her ex issues were because of our relationship and his jealously and the financial issues were connected to the ex issues. Her medical issues required a new medicine that caused some side effects that included mental/mood IMO.

 

I hope she reaches out, but given her state she may not...she may be in a cocoon. But I will send a sweet text later this week..so a week. I was mixed on that as it shows I'm hanging around, but it also shows I care...

 

If she comes out, listen very carefully to what she's been doing during this period of "stress and space". If she was doing other things besides being focused on the stressors and resolving them, like going out with her friends and having a good time, she's just using that space to do whatever she wants to do without having to "worry" about you. Sure, it's ok, to go with friends to talk, etc. but if she wasn't spending much time working on resolution of issues, doing things that need to be done, eh.

 

shows I'm hanging around, but it also shows I care -- Yes, a light, supportive text is ok. But, be careful with this line of thinking. I mean, if she comes back, make sure you have things to tell her, like you've been living your life and not putting it on hold for her.

 

And, if she comes back, it's important and OK to tell her how this behavior affects you and the relationship. Create a safe environment for her to bring things to you, share and be open and not need to pull away.

 

I'm just advising you about how to handle the aftermath of her return. Make boundaries now if you are going to continue with her. Otherwise, she may keep doing this because there are no consequences. She does it, you take her back over and over again.

[biker23]

If she comes out, listen very carefully to what she's been doing during this period of "stress and space". If she was doing other things besides being focused on the stressors and resolving them, like going out with her friends and having a good time, she's just using that space to do whatever she wants to do without having to "worry" about you. Sure, it's ok, to go with friends to talk, etc. but if she wasn't spending much time working on resolution of issues, doing things that need to be done, eh.

 

shows I'm hanging around, but it also shows I care -- Yes, a light, supportive text is ok. But, be careful with this line of thinking. I mean, if she comes back, make sure you have things to tell her, like you've been living your life and not putting it on hold for her.

 

And, if she comes back, it's important and OK to tell her how this behavior affects you and the relationship. Create a safe environment for her to bring things to you, share and be open and not need to pull away.

 

I'm just advising you about how to handle the aftermath of her return. Make boundaries now if you are going to continue with her. Otherwise, she may keep doing this because there are no consequences. She does it, you take her back over and over again.

 

Thanks good advice. And I am using this time for me. Focusing on my health/workouts/gym and work...plus I have my son all this week. Plus I turned away the advances of a lady friend this weekend as I didnt want to rebound or be asking for even more mess at this time.

 

One more variable. Since dating her, I've started going to the Dr. office where she works. And I have a regular scheduled visit for a shot I require, which is next week. So if I do not send any texts this week, I will see her next week. I would find it quite awkward if she never reaches out and I show up.

[Alamo657]

Let me translate women talk for you :

 

"Let's have a Break" = i don't love you, and it's draining me to pretend being in a relationship that is leading nowhere because there is no fire to it

 

"I don't want to see anyone" = i want to see other men/people, i don't want to see you

 

Congratulations, she just did a soft breakup on you. Next she will be "breaking up" via SMS, and/or use you for sex until she finds a new guy.

[biker23]

Let me translate women talk for you :

 

"Let's have a Break" = i don't love you, and it's draining me to pretend being in a relationship that is leading nowhere because there is no fire to it

 

"I don't want to see anyone" = i want to see other men/people, i don't want to see you

 

Congratulations, she just did a soft breakup on you. Next she will be "breaking up" via SMS, and/or use you for sex until she finds a new guy.

 

hmmm...she didnt say either of those.

[Lady2163]

I am absolutely 100% against breaks whether they are initiated by a man or a woman.

 

There are no breaks in grown up life. If you're married, stressed about work, spread thin because of your kids and family, you can't look at your spouse and say, "I need a break." People are depending on you. Tiny humans and hopefully the love of your life. You don't get to selfish and walk away from your responsibilities,

 

Now I realize you are only dating, but this is a huge ass red flag. At least in my mind.

 

Needing a break and not giving a time frame is often the power play of a control freak. They keep the other person unbalanced, insecure and waiting.

 

That's not how you treat someone you love.

 

"I'm so far behind on everything, I'm stressed. I need to take a week and just catch up. Could you come help me with XYZ or could we not see each other next week? I know this sucks, but I'm going to put my phone on silent after 300 PM. I just need to catch up so I stop worrying...."

 

Also, I'm old, around 50. I avoid complications in relationships to the nth degree. Have a psycho ex who plays head games with you and runs off your girlfriends? See ya later. Have a history of drug or alcohol abuse? Nope. Just declared bankruptcy 1 year ago? Unh-uh.

 

This woman is riddled with complications. What does she bring to the table that is so fantastic you can let the complicated train wreck into your life?

[biker23]

This woman is riddled with complications. What does she bring to the table that is so fantastic you can let the complicated train wreck into your life?

 

Well, she didnt have the complications when we met. She admits she felt she was ready for a strong relationship. Was going to treat this one different and be upfront with her needs. Its been very transparent. Up to this point I guess where its Space but no defined time. My expectation is she doesnt know. and yes its disappointing she doesnt lean on me vs. push away. But I've had discussions with other women on other sites that claim they have done similar. It felt stressful to have a boyfriend always checking if they are OK, and are they better today, and how can i fix it etc..etc..

 

That being said, she has a good soul, is a great mom and really does want to be a good person. We mesh and have great times together. But yes, there are some red flags.

 

I may be more disappointed that we were as close as we were but shes willing to distance herself like this. I am chalking it up to pure desperate crisis mode. And relying on 10 year friendships and not 3 month BFs.

[FoxDie]

I think you should be very wary. Leave it alone. I'm only speaking from my experience. I don't play around with love. People throw that word around effortlessly these days and it's mind boggling. A person that loves you, you wouldn't have been able to not text them for 3-4 days. Not even ONE day.

I don't care if I ask for a break or if my partner does; a goodmorning, happy afternoon, and goodnight isn't much to conjure up.

If I asked for space and after the first day my partner didn't even contact me, maybe she's confused on what I asked. I want her to still talk to me at least.

[kendahke]

hmmm...she didnt say either of those.

 

don't be surprised if this falls out in experience at your feet.

 

Do you honestly think she would show you her hand? She's backed up at a breathtaking speed from a woman who claimed she loved you, introduced you to her children and family to one who reprimands you about not giving her space. Her life was an open book. Now it's slammed shut and you don't get access anymore.

 

Any woman that tells you she loves you one week and the next is telling you it's ok if you see/date/have sex with other women is a woman who doesn't really care for you and is hoping you can take the hint without her having to unzip and let the lizard out--because what woman who loves you would be OK with you sharing that level of intimacy with someone else? Not one who is into you, that's for sure. I'd have an extreme problem with a guy I was into/loved taking it to someone else and a lot of women feel the same.

 

I have to agree with what Alamo said--I was thinking to myself that she's either seeing someone else is making room for someone else to come into her life.

Edited July 11, 2016 by kendahke

[Standard-Fare]

I'm a little confused, because from what I'm reading this isn't "GF asking for more space," but "GF broke up with me."

 

But it seems like that hasn't quite sunk in with you.

 

It sounds like she was pretty clear - she said she didn't want to be dating you or anyone, right? That's a breakup. It's a little confusing that she agreed to hang out with you after the vacation, but that wasn't your cue to assume you were back on with dating.

 

In her mind, she has put an end to the romantic relationship. No contact is definitely the right way for you to go, but you shouldn't be viewing that as "I'll give her the space she asked for and see how that goes," but as "She asked for a breakup, so I'm giving her one."

 

I'm not trying to be harsh here, I understand this is painful after such an intense and promising start. But it does seem like you need to shift your mindset a bit.

[biker23]

Run from this train wreck as fast as you can.

 

Next time, look for the red flags- introducing you to her kids in a week?

ILY in a few weeks....

Constant problems, especially around money, drink/drugs and exes...

 

Run run run.

 

Luckily she has already pretty much broken up anyway, so you don't even need to feel like you have to make any decision.

Count your blessings. Seriously.

 

We have a winner: my update:

 

Ok, but while I still havent heard from her, I did get more inside information that ends this.

An acquaintance of hers texted me to ask if we were coming up this weekend as we have many times in the past to go out on a boat...no need to elaborate, but I thought this person was her friend but really found out they barely know each other. But regardless, he didnt know anything about what was going on. When I told him he was shocked. Said she has brought many guys around and when he saw and met me, he thought WHY is this guy with her. I was like, what do you mean? I am unlike anyone she normally dates and he thought maybe she has changed if he is with her. And WHY would she push away basically the best guy he has ever seen her with. He said she has brought dirtbag guys and she is basically a dirtbag herself...meaning she uses people, has a reputation of heavy drinking, partying...narcissistic behavior. I have sensed this side of her (I dont like the term, but think white trash). Seems to have a black cloud over her...thus all her drama and creates situations like the DUI. (recall my first post about drinking to solve stress and bender weekends). Did I mean she got her DUI because she had to go get tampons but she was drunk and went anyway. Yep.

After our discussion, he decided to call her and asked if her and I were coming up for the weekend. She picked up the phone immediately (unusual) She said probably not, she had to drive to get her kids from her parents (4 hr one way drive) No mention of a breakup. He pushed more and said he was almost done with a renovation so that her kids could be in a bedroom and her and me could have a private bedroom. She said, Wow I really appreciate that! thats great! thx! Again, no mention of anything.

Well, today it was revealed. They caught her dropping off a guy on her boat last night…she tried to get away and hide thinking they didn’t see her. No idea if it was a friend or new BF (she has many guy friends so its possible, but come on)…but odd how she would go hide if she cared about getting caught…why care if you are broken up.

Well, my new buddy texted her saying they thought they saw her dropping me off and they waited at the dock to say hi. (she hid forever and slept on the boat at the dock). She replied. I broke up with ‘me’ last week and haven’t seen him since the 4th. He responded what??? She said LOL. Im not sorry. He yelled at my son and he is my main man and I couldn’t get over it.

Unbelievable. She had been asking for space for a month…didn’t exactly ‘break up’ as it was similar if not a bit stronger than the past, but certainly not the correct discussion as an adult. And the yelling at her son is beyond stupid. He was almost crushed by the boat at the dock when she was drunk and I pulled him and sat him down and talked nicely that he cant run around when docking the boat. She never mentioned an issue with that.

I think its all excuses for a train wreck that Im leaving in my wake. (hence all the boat analogies)

Whats great is I am now good friends with the owners of this lake house…she keeps her boat there and they can use it…so when she isn’t there and Im visiting, we can all go out on the boat. Too funny.