dfgdsfgsda Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Hey everyone. First post here. Allow me to give you some background on my situation. My girlfriend (21) and I (22yr old male) have been dating for 5 months. She recently started a summer job where she has to continuously go away for set periods of time. For example, she goes away for 9 days, comes back for a couple (2 or 3), then goes away again and the cycle repeats. We can only text late at night for about 10-20 minutes on the days she is gone as she is not able to get service until then. At the end of her first rotation (about a week ago) we left her last night at home on a very bad note. We had an emotionally charged discussion (in the time she was back she was always hanging with her friends as well as me, we never got time alone). I explained to her I felt quite left out in her group of friends, we somewhat made up (she said she understood and that was it) and then I tried to initiate sex (we still had all our clothes on) since it was her last night with me (looking back at it I know this was a mistake). She immediately started crying and having a panic attack, saying it felt like I was forcing her to have sex like her ex did. (I knew that she had an abusive ex before. I don't know the details of it, all I know was that she felt forced with him, I don't know what he did or said). Given that she and I have sex since we started dating 5 months ago with no adverse reactions, that I have always told her that if I ever make her uncomfortable she can tell me, and that I was not in the least bit forceful in my initiation, I was surprised by the reaction. I ended up having to leave her house that night because she didn't even want me to touch her or be near her in any way. A few days later, once she was back at work, we texted and reconciled for the most part. We both explained our sides of the story (apparently she felt forced because she felt that I was angry at her for not having any time alone with me, and thus it felt like I was saying "**** me or I'll be mad at you) and we each made an agreement to be more mindful of the other. I thought it was very good. However, there are still a few moments where I feel she doesn't feel comfortable with me. Despite her saying she loves and misses me, she seems completely turned off by the idea of sex with me again. I brought it up because I needed to clear the air, and she said that she "doesn't want to when she comes back next week, but maybe we can in the next rotation". It feels like she's not comfortable at all with me anymore. I know her reaction wasn't caused by my actions alone, but rather from a combination of things and traumatic memories from her past, but still. I would think that if she loves me and she knows I love her back, she would feel safe to be intimate with me? I should also add that she wants me to stay the night at her place the next time she comes back; just no sex. Maybe I'm overthinking this, but it feels like she doesn't want sex to be in the relationship. I love her very much but I have a high sex drive and love to feel intimate with her in that way and it seems like I'm the only one who enjoys it. I'm just worried it won't go back to like how it was early in the relationship where we would have sex all the time. Time off is fine, but she's making me feel like I'm a bad human being for desiring her. What do you guys think? I need outside perspectives. I don't know what to do. I love her very much and I don't want it to be over. tl;dr: my girlfriend and I had a fight the night before she left for 9 days, we reconciled and she says she loves me, but she doesn't want any sort of intimate contact with me.
bummer Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Premature hair loss, anxiety, and chronic masterbation... These.will be your symptoms of a continued one-sided sorta long-distance 5 month relationship with no sex but "ok you can come over" time. She wants to be a free bird 21 year old. Even though you genuinely sound nice, attentive, caring, and respectful... SHE feels smothered. HER actions (hanging with friends not just you) means SHE prefers that scenario to just being with you alone. Neither of you seem keen on this long distance thing but for divergent reasons. Me a few months ago, would ride this out and be there for her and support her and hold her when she's confused and crying and "wait" for her to end her summer job. Me now thinks you're a horny 22 year old who had a cool girl but needs to see what other horny 22 year olds are doing who are closer to you now. Id tell her, " i think you're asking for space and I think it's best we step back for the summer." See what she says. Me now, the cynic, thinks there's another gorilla in the mist. Be careful. 1
basil67 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Loss of sexual attraction to a partner is usually a really strong sign that a person is not into you anymore. The distance isn't working for you. She's not into you. Time to break up. 1
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Space has been introduced into your relationship and she no longer feels close to you, the emotional connection and bonding is not there and sex is no longer on the cards. She sees you as another friend and not a lover. Sex is now a step too far. If she was into you and feeling close to you, then she would not be choosing friends over you, she would be missing you, she would be organising alone time with you as soon as she got home. I think the relationship is over. 1
Larryville Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 However, there are still a few moments where I feel she doesn't feel comfortable with me. Despite her saying she loves and misses me, she seems completely turned off by the idea of sex with me again. I brought it up because I needed to clear the air, and she said that she "doesn't want to when she comes back next week, but maybe we can in the next rotation". It feels like she's not comfortable at all with me anymore. I know her reaction wasn't caused by my actions alone, but rather from a combination of things and traumatic memories from her past, but still. I would think that if she loves me and she knows I love her back, she would feel safe to be intimate with me? I should also add that she wants me to stay the night at her place the next time she comes back; just no sex. And: Loss of sexual attraction to a partner is usually a really strong sign that a person is not into you anymore. The distance isn't working for you. She's not into you. Time to break up. While Basil might be correct and while my comment might not exactly be the issue, just throwing this out there for folks to keep in the back of their mind. Dated someone for a time, we really liked each other, I could tell almost right away that was not quite into sex. She suffered from depression, was a teacher (difficult urban setting) and suffered from fibromyalgia (although some docs don’t recognize, more are becoming more accepting). She took the drug Cymbalta and that “significantly” affected her sex drive. Bottom line is I tried to be patient but figured I did not want to deal with that long term. Just throwing that out there…
NTV Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 dude, your 'girlfriend' accused you of attempted rape to get out of sleeping with you. and said her last BF did rape her. You want no part of this drama llama, believe me. Either it's true that her last BF did that and she needs psychiatric help, or she is exaggerating to manipulate you. You've invited the crazy in. Never let the crazy in. And when she pulls the blubbering, snot nosed, tears that you aren't seeing her, let her sleep on the doorstep if you have to, but DON'T let her in. This chick isn't the One. She won't be the one you marry, or the love of your life. She's the one that can show you some of the major red flags to avoid in future chicks. Yeah man, she's THAT one. Live, learn, and get outta dodge while the gettin's easy to do.
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