sarahlynn3286 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 My bf James & I have been together for almost 2 years. Here's the story: James & I have a strong-romantic relationship. It's a relationship that is old-fashion where we forget about our phones, problems, it all turns to laughing, loving, admiring one another. We're not afraid to show it to the world either because I'm proud of who I am and who I have. (James is an engineer & I'm a nurse) Their parents assume we're going end up for the long-run & I WAS flattered to hear that from them until this.. His older brother Frank; has been dating this girl Shelley for a year. Frank knew Shelley through his ex-girlfriend (her ex-bestfriend now). I thought that was kind of weird, but I thought maybe he's happier with her. I wanted to get to know her because we are dating brothers and we're both nurses! I've tried interacting with her, but she brushed me off like she's better than me. Every time she comes in their house, she doesn't say hi to his parents or barely speaks to them. She's literally Frank's shadow everywhere he goes. At that point, it's hard to believe she's a nurse; barely can interact with other humans. As the time went on, I tried to get to know her again & again, I finally mentioned something to James. I claimed that she's not a very friendly person. He said, "Who cares, she can take care of Frank." What he meant was, Frank isn't able to stabilize himself, he's a college drop out, doesn't have a good job, and he makes most of his money by selling weed/other drugs. Shelley told Frank that he needs to buy her an engagement ring and she'll let him live in her house, but if he doesn't she will leave/kick him out. Another rule she set, was that she will not allow him to have drugs in her house, like that's impossible for Frank.. All what he has said really pissed me off because he supports this "love" situation and questions his intentions. If she has such high standards, why don't she just go find a professionalism? It's impossible to change a person.. I asked him, "Does Frank truly love her?" James hesitated and answered, "Frank loves the idea of how much money she makes & he can sit back and be stay home-at-dad in the future. That's what he always wanted and it's perfect for him." I was angry. That's not love. I don't understand why she isn't friendly and I don't understand why they are supporting something that Frank loves the idea of her. I don't get why James would stick up for her like she was God's gift to his family. James family told me in the beginning of their relationship that Shelley wanted to get married fast and have kids right away because it's something she never had because her parents were divorce when she young. **Why is she rushing it? Isn't that how some divorces happen in the first place?** Why can't people just enjoy the time & let it all fall in place? So Frank saved up & bought the ring (aka probably sold lot more weed and other drugs). It's basically the golden ticket to live in her house or else he's on the streets. His family is so happy for him because he's finally getting "taken care of" and I'm over here seeing a different perspective. I don't see he loves her & I don't see she loves him, I think she loves the idea of HAVING him because her best friend was dating him for three years. AND I finally see that James's family loves the idea of how much money she makes and can take care of their 'washed out' son for the rest of his life. James and I have been fighting about the same situation over and over again how I'm iffy about this "engagement" and this whole intentions on him and his family that I make money too. I'm just sad about all of this. I wonder if James would still love me if I lost my job tomorrow? But then again, I can't change a person either. This all makes me question their intentions on dating. As all my "hellos" "thank yous" and the conversations I put in the time to be respectful to them don't matter to them because I have money? They all know he's rushing their relationship and he's gonna propose end of next month. James and I haven't been getting along lately because of this happening. I've been questioning a lot of his intentions as well. I've been thinking about leaving him because of how he has been supportive in this "fake" love situation. The only thing that's holding me back is that I know the marriage won't work out. Once they live together, she will open up her eyes and realize Frank is not for her because he will still do drugs so they'll break up. Then it would be pointless if we broke up for nothing then! So I don't know what to do right now. HELP?
basil67 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 (edited) You have a lovely relationship which you are slowly destroying by judging his family. Yes, it's a bad situation with his brother, but it's the brother's choice and none of your business. I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself. The brother's relationship is not about you or your partner. Focus on mending the damage you've done to your own relationship. Edited July 11, 2016 by basil67 7
frus69 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 The whole thing is none of your business. However I'd be concerned your BF's brother is a drug dealer. 3
basil67 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I've been thinking about leaving him because of how he has been supportive in this "fake" love situation. I also want to touch on this ^ What else do you expect his family to do? Forbid the marriage? Refuse to have her in the house? All that will achieve is to drive the brother away and he'll marry her regardless. Very few people actually listen to family or friends who object to a partnership. For this reason, it's wiser to just sit by the sidelines, wait for the relationship to self destruct and be ready to pick up the pieces. The fact the brother is a drug user already shown that he doesn't listen to sensible advice. So the family knows better than to give it. The family don't support her because she has money. They support her because she's straight and may influence him off drugs. It's a long shot, but she's probably a better choice than many others he's dated who are like him. In short, you are thinking of leaving your boyfriend because he's refusing to fight an unwinnable battle. Do you not see the stupidity in your stance? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 OP, you are essentially punishing your boyfriend for his brother's crappy lifestyle. You are assuming your boyfriend and his brother have the same thought process and would make the same choices. Clearly, they are not the same person. You are making an awful lot of assumptions about what his family thinks, when you've known these people for two years. In short? I think you're being silly. I believe you're angry about something else and you're projecting. Are you upset that your boyfriend hasn't proposed to you? 4
Els Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Your bf isn't responsible for his brother's or his brother's fiancee's decisions. And honestly, I don't think it's any of your business what your boyfriend's brother does in his personal relationships, especially if nobody's life is in danger. Yes, some people have crappy priorities that they base their relationships on, but what can you do? They're adults, it's presumably consensual, live and let live IMO. What are you expecting your bf to do anyway, should he try to forbid his adult brother from marrying an adult woman? 5
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Live and let live. It's their life to waste if they wish to. As for your boyfriend you said he is an engineer so isn't he making more money than you? Your theory that he dates you for your money is invalid then. Deep deep down aren't you just jealous she is getting an engagement ring and you don't? 3
stillafool Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 None of this is YOUR business! You don't know how these two feel about each other in private. Maybe what they have and are doing is working for them. If I were your bf I would be concerned that you are involved in my brother and his finance's business. If you are concerned that your bfs family doesn't bough down to you maybe you should break up. You clearly think you are better than the others.
Zahara Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Your boyfriend is not obligated or responsible over what his brother chooses, the way he runs his life, who he wants to be with, why he wants to be with her, what his family deems right, etc. And neither is it any of your business to analyze and demand what's appropriate and what isn't in terms of how they choose to live their lives. Your responsibility is to nurture and manage your own relationship. Outside of what is happening with his family, if James treats you with respect and love, focus on the good that you have and build on that rather than this need to create unnecessary problems and burdens. Stop poking your nose in other people's business. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 My bf James & I have been together for almost 2 years. Here's the story: James & I have a strong-romantic relationship. It's a relationship that is old-fashion where we forget about our phones, problems, it all turns to laughing, loving, admiring one another. We're not afraid to show it to the world either because I'm proud of who I am and who I have. (James is an engineer & I'm a nurse) Their parents assume we're going end up for the long-run & I WAS flattered to hear that from them until this.. His older brother Frank; has been dating this girl Shelley for a year. Frank knew Shelley through his ex-girlfriend (her ex-bestfriend now). I thought that was kind of weird, but I thought maybe he's happier with her. I wanted to get to know her because we are dating brothers and we're both nurses! I've tried interacting with her, but she brushed me off like she's better than me. Every time she comes in their house, she doesn't say hi to his parents or barely speaks to them. She's literally Frank's shadow everywhere he goes. At that point, it's hard to believe she's a nurse; barely can interact with other humans. As the time went on, I tried to get to know her again & again, I finally mentioned something to James. I claimed that she's not a very friendly person. He said, "Who cares, she can take care of Frank." What he meant was, Frank isn't able to stabilize himself, he's a college drop out, doesn't have a good job, and he makes most of his money by selling weed/other drugs. Shelley told Frank that he needs to buy her an engagement ring and she'll let him live in her house, but if he doesn't she will leave/kick him out. Another rule she set, was that she will not allow him to have drugs in her house, like that's impossible for Frank.. All what he has said really pissed me off because he supports this "love" situation and questions his intentions. If she has such high standards, why don't she just go find a professionalism? It's impossible to change a person.. I asked him, "Does Frank truly love her?" James hesitated and answered, "Frank loves the idea of how much money she makes & he can sit back and be stay home-at-dad in the future. That's what he always wanted and it's perfect for him." I was angry. That's not love. I don't understand why she isn't friendly and I don't understand why they are supporting something that Frank loves the idea of her. I don't get why James would stick up for her like she was God's gift to his family. James family told me in the beginning of their relationship that Shelley wanted to get married fast and have kids right away because it's something she never had because her parents were divorce when she young. **Why is she rushing it? Isn't that how some divorces happen in the first place?** Why can't people just enjoy the time & let it all fall in place? So Frank saved up & bought the ring (aka probably sold lot more weed and other drugs). It's basically the golden ticket to live in her house or else he's on the streets. His family is so happy for him because he's finally getting "taken care of" and I'm over here seeing a different perspective. I don't see he loves her & I don't see she loves him, I think she loves the idea of HAVING him because her best friend was dating him for three years. AND I finally see that James's family loves the idea of how much money she makes and can take care of their 'washed out' son for the rest of his life. James and I have been fighting about the same situation over and over again how I'm iffy about this "engagement" and this whole intentions on him and his family that I make money too. I'm just sad about all of this. I wonder if James would still love me if I lost my job tomorrow? But then again, I can't change a person either. This all makes me question their intentions on dating. As all my "hellos" "thank yous" and the conversations I put in the time to be respectful to them don't matter to them because I have money? They all know he's rushing their relationship and he's gonna propose end of next month. James and I haven't been getting along lately because of this happening. I've been questioning a lot of his intentions as well. I've been thinking about leaving him because of how he has been supportive in this "fake" love situation. The only thing that's holding me back is that I know the marriage won't work out. Once they live together, she will open up her eyes and realize Frank is not for her because he will still do drugs so they'll break up. Then it would be pointless if we broke up for nothing then! So I don't know what to do right now. HELP? It's none of your boyfriend's business nor yours. What you focus on is your own relationship. He can have his opinions and he should support his brother regardless of his own opinion. What you are really concerned about is your boyfriend's opinion and view of that relationship somehow reflects or represents his view/attitude about relationships in general. In other words, he thinks it's ok for his brother to use his girlfriend, therefore, he may be using you . . . If your relationship is as good as you say, it's not fair of you to project that scenario onto yours and it will cause insecurity on your part which will erode your own relationship. Be objective and evaluate your relationship on it's own merits. 1
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 You really hate this girl don't you? So much so you want her to go away, and you are doing everything you can to have that happen by encouraging your BF to step in to do your dirty work. Don't blame this on her for the troubles in your relationship.....that's all on you. My advice is to zip it, stay out of it, mind your own business. If you can't stand it, then walk away, leave your BF, leave the drama.....before he ends up dumping you. 1
Raena Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I don't understand how your bf's brother's relationship with some girl you don't like is any of your business? I also don't understand how it has anything to do with your relationship with your bf or his parents. Focus on your own relationship and stop worrying about what anyone else is doing or thinks of you. Ultimately, your relationship with your bf is all you really need to be thinking about. If he makes you happy then who cares what his brother is doing. 2
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