Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 When he does leave you, why don't you love her enough to let her father see her? This is what joint custody is for. I was brought up to believe that a mother and father were under the same roof. My dad wasn't happy with my mum and told me when I was older he was going to leave but he stuck around till I was 18. They argued all the time but they were both there and I would of been devastated if they weren't.
Lady Hamilton Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 (edited) He wouldn't ever cut ties with kids. I know you don't believe me but I do think one of the reasons he stayed was for me not just for kids. I don't think all them years together and he had no feelings for me. Your entitled to your own opinion tho. I'm sure he may have had feelings at some point. He doesn't now. He told her that. He told you that. And you can only hope he wouldn't cut ties with the kids because it's the only way to leave the relationship. People who are desperate do desperate things. Even as it stands it won't be long until he realizes that leaving won't destroy the kids or compromise his ability to be a father: If he's lucky, you'll make clear to him that you intend on punishing him by keeping him from the kids. Then a judge will look quite favorably on a generous custody setup for him. Courts do not reward parents who use their kids to manipulate a situation with more custody, nor do they reward parental alienation. And by the way, UK courts are quite progressive and child focused from what I've seen. He will get custody rights equal to yours, if not superior because of your behavior and lack of initiative to work and support the family. You don't automatically get the kids because you are a woman. Edited July 13, 2016 by Lady Hamilton
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 I'm sure he may have had feelings at some point. He doesn't now. He told her that. He told you that. And you can only hope he wouldn't cut ties with the kids because it's the only way to leave the relationship. People who are desperate do desperate things. Even as it stands it won't be long until he realizes that leaving won't destroy the kids or compromise his ability to be a father: If he's lucky, you'll make clear to him that you intend on punishing him by keeping him from the kids. Then a judge will look quite favorably on a generous custody setup for him. Courts do not reward parents who use their kids to manipulate a situation with more custody, nor do they reward parental alienation. And by the way, UK courts are quite progressive and child focused from what I've seen. He will get custody rights equal to yours, if not superior because of your behavior and lack of initiative to work and support the family. You don't automatically get the kids because you are a woman. We still sleep together..
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 I get the impression your thinking that's because of me. My boyfriend drank a LOT before he moved in with me. Times he was that drunk he couldn't move off the floor and wet himself. Why did you ever consider getting back with such a man and then you came off the Pill so you would have his child... What on earth were you thinking? Would he consider going to AA? Are his parents worried about his drinking? 2
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Why did you ever consider getting back with such a man and then you came off the Pill so you would have his child... What on earth were you thinking? Would he consider going to AA? Are his parents worried about his drinking? I loved him. This wasn't every day just occasionally after a big drinking session. He has a lot of issues that he doesn't talk about.
Lady Hamilton Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 We still sleep together.. Which means nothing besides the fact that I suspect you're planning to have another "accident."
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Why did you ever consider getting back with such a man and then you came off the Pill so you would have his child... What on earth were you thinking? Would he consider going to AA? Are his parents worried about his drinking? He wouldn't go to meetings as he doesn't think he has a problem. His parents worry but they think eventually he will grow up
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Which means nothing besides the fact that I suspect you're planning to have another "accident." What I mean is if he hated me he wouldn't be having sex with me.
ChickiePops Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 We are all wasting our time here. This OP doesn't want any advice, she wants to be told what she wants to hear and nothing more. She won't stop abusing her children or her 'boyfriend'. She won't learn anything or change until he forces her to. 3
MJJean Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 What I mean is if he hated me he wouldn't be having sex with me. You don't really believe that, do you? You are aware that, often, sex has absolutely nothing to do with love or even liking, right?
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 You can't blame me being confused. He breaks up with me and tells me he doesn't love me then a year later comes back. Then breaks up ,then I'm pregnant then he cheats, He moves in yet he tells another woman he loves her You can understand the confussion
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 We are all wasting our time here. This OP doesn't want any advice, she wants to be told what she wants to hear and nothing more. She won't stop abusing her children or her 'boyfriend'. She won't learn anything or change until he forces her to. You don't really believe that, do you? You are aware that, often, sex has absolutely nothing to do with love or even liking, right? Yeah I know he had sex with a random other woman and that wasn't after a relationship so I do know sex doesn't = love
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Shall I tell you what makes me laugh. The other woman forum is full of people saying men lie to the other women and go back to the partners who they love. Yet for some reason it's the other way round on here. I thought you would agree
MJJean Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 You don't really believe that, do you? You are aware that, often, sex has absolutely nothing to do with love or even liking, right? You can't blame me being confused. He breaks up with me and tells me he doesn't love me then a year later comes back. Then breaks up ,then I'm pregnant then he cheats, He moves in yet he tells another woman he loves her You can understand the confussion It's not confusing at all. We have explained to to you multiple times. He broke up with you because he didn't love you or want to be with you. He dated someone else. It didn't work out, so he went back for some sex with the ex because you were familiar and easy. He broke up with you again because he still didn't want to be with you. He found out you were pregnant and moved in with you because he wanted to be with his kids. He cheated because he doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you, and is too weak just yet to leave. He told another woman he loves her because he loves her. He ended that relationship because he didn't want to lose the children and not because of you. How is ANY of that confusing?? Especially considering he told you to your face, more than once, that he doen't love you and even told the OW that the only reason he stays is for the kids. This isn't rocket science. There aren't any lines to read between here. 5
Cinnamonstix Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 You can't blame me being confused. He breaks up with me and tells me he doesn't love me then a year later comes back. Then breaks up ,then I'm pregnant then he cheats, He moves in yet he tells another woman he loves her You can understand the confussion There is no confusion here. He does not love you. At best, he doesn't want to be alone and he definitely doesn't want to be without the kids. Shall I tell you what makes me laugh. The other woman forum is full of people saying men lie to the other women and go back to the partners who they love. Yet for some reason it's the other way round on here. I thought you would agree He didn't come back because he loves you. He came back for the kids, and to not follow his father's legacy. And again, I suspect he fears being alone. I am really not sure how this thread has gone on for so long. You seem to have no feelings at all. Nothing anyone is saying is penetrating your delusional mindset. 2
MJJean Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Shall I tell you what makes me laugh. The other woman forum is full of people saying men lie to the other women and go back to the partners who they love. Yet for some reason it's the other way round on here. I thought you would agree The key difference here is that HE TOLD YOU HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Most WH's are lying to the OW and pretending feelings for her they don't have or that are fleeting while telling their wives how very much they love them, etc. Your BF has honestly said that he doesn't love you to you. Believe him. 1
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 The key difference here is that HE TOLD YOU HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Most WH's are lying to the OW and pretending feelings for her they don't have or that are fleeting while telling their wives how very much they love them, etc. Your BF has honestly said that he doesn't love you to you. Believe him. He told me he didn't love me when we split but then when we got back together said he did. Then i read the message which told ow he didn't love me anymore but he hasn't said it to my face. He has drunk said he hated me,and wanted to punch my head in but obviously he never did ..just drunk talk and that was when he ended it with OW so obviously his head was a mess then.
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 What makes me wonder is why he told the OW this when he ended it anyway. He didn't have to pretend to have feelings for her. It wasn't any gain for him.
SoulCat Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 He didn't have to pretend to have feelings for her. He did not pretend to have feelings for her. He did have feelings for her. He loved her. 2
SoulCat Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Question for you OP: When was the last time you and him did something as a couple? You know, the sort of stuff normal couples do, like going out to dinner or the movies. Going to a concert or festival. Heck, a romantic picnic or moonlight stroll, a weekend away? Do you two do any of those type of things together? Just the two of you, no kids? 1
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Question for you OP: When was the last time you and him did something as a couple? You know, the sort of stuff normal couples do, like going out to dinner or the movies. Going to a concert or festival. Heck, a romantic picnic or moonlight stroll, a weekend away? Do you two do any of those type of things together? Just the two of you, no kids? It's not easy to do things like that with two kids. For his birthday we all went for a meal. We all go out for breakfast at times. And we went to caravan for a couple of days
alsudduth Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 It's not easy to do things like that with two kids. For his birthday we all went for a meal. We all go out for breakfast at times. And we went to caravan for a couple of days My husband and I make a point now of doing things alone, not doing so was a big factor in my own marriage issues. We also have 2 young kids. it's not an excuse. If your relationship is important to BOTH of you, you guys would be making it happen. It really seems to be only about the kids to him. You do not have a relationship with him. You have a convenient arrangement. 3
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 Even before baby we never really had dates. When I was pregnant I used to go to his parents on a Friday night and we would get a takeaway in his room. Then I would fall asleep and he would go downstairs and drink. He has always liked doing his own thing. I think that's why he stays at his brothers or parents now and again for an escape.
sandylee1 Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Whilst I totally disagree with deliberately getting pregnant, the man is not trapped. He can leave and he can legally see his child. He would be paying maintenance and doing what he needs to do. OWs have said this shows some men do really stay for the kids. Well what decent man stays with a woman he doesn't love and treats her this way? Why would anyone want this kind of man who is gutless and can't leave and Co parent like millions of other parents? There's no gun to his head. He hasn't been locked indoors He has a mind of his own It looks like he lacks the mental capacity to man up and grow a pair quite frankly .... I really don't know what you love about him OP. Such a weak man would be spineless and unattractive to me. But each to his own. Maybe if he hadn't stopped going back and forth and picking you up between girlfriends, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. You were readily available and he took advantage of that, so perhaps this is his comeuppance. Next time he is after easy sex, he'll remember to cover up if he doesn't want to be a dad. Your lucky he didn't pass on an STD from the woman before this. I only wish you would shake your head and get out there. ... and do yourself a favour by ditching him. I'd be done with him and show him I can get a man who loves me, respects me, treats me well, doesnt insult me and my daughters can see how a decent man behaves. What is your first DD being taught by seeing his declining appearance and hygiene. Is that what you want her to see? Her mum with an overweight often drunk man, who hates her mother? You want her to see a loveless relationship as being normal? This home set up will damage your kids and this often leads to history repeating itself. Is this what you want for them? A man who lives there, but might as well not be? 3
dreamingoftigers Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Shall I tell you what makes me laugh. The other woman forum is full of people saying men lie to the other women and go back to the partners who they love. Yet for some reason it's the other way round on here. I thought you would agree I don't think cheaters often really love anyone. Or have very good boundaries regarding relationships, sex and love. They often seem in internal turmoil and instead of addressing it they bang "any port in a storm." They could be using one or both (or many????) Relationships to try to emotionally and physically escape from their own issues. I think often they hope someone else will provide the answer to whatever it is they are missing, and come rescue them. But such a rescue is temporary because you can't rescue someone from themselves. Because wherever you go, there you are. I think the "relationship cure" works as well as the "geographical cure" in terms of boundaries and emotional issues. Yoir boyfriend isn't "all in" anywhere. Which isn't a surprise given his binge-drinking etc. Drinking and poor relationship boundaries are a pretty common pairing. Both make a person emotionally unavailable for a healthy relationship. So is the cheater lying to you OR her? False choice. Cheater is lying to himself first and foremost. And in turn lying to everyone else. In a sense it doesn't matter "what feelings he had where" because he doesn't have an investment in anyone. He just invests in whatever he can feel high with at the moment. Sometimes it's his kids, sometimes it's his mistress, sometimes it's getting loaded, and I'll even bet sometimes it's with you. But I also bet he resents all of it. He probably even resents his mistress to a degree. Probably feels some guilt and "ugh. She places demands on me and wanted to know where this is going." That kind of thing. 1
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