He has had a affair, is it over?

[Lady2163]

I hand on heart have never demanded that he does anything.

He has made those choices himself.

I haven't forced him to do anything.

I don't think the blame should fall on me,I've made mistakes and done stupid things but so has he.

If he wasn't happy he shouldn't of got back with me.

That was he's choice.

I do not understand him.

He also chose to cheat and he chose to end it and he chose to sulk like a teenager and drink when he did end it rather than man up and move up.

He makes it hard for me to love him sometimes

 

Well, you're quite unlovable.

 

You trick him and trap him by getting pregnant. You told him he needed to move in and take care of his "family" that your created by trapping and lying to him.

 

But now you say you didn't demand that. Which personality am I talking to now?

 

I'm guessing he "got back" with you as a soft landing after his relationship ended. Warm, reliable place for his penis.

 

If you had told him when he was sober and you were outside of the bedroom, fully clothed that you were stopping the birth control pill and could become pregnant...l

 

THEN HE HAD ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE TO MAKE A CHOICE!!!!!!!!

 

You took his ability to make a choice AWAY.

 

Do you know what the word catalyst means?

[Lady2163]

Yeah..he came back to you after he was dumped and you were a warm place to put his penis while he got over his break up (which sucks, as I'm sure he knew you still loved him..using you as a rebound was awful). Then you tricked him into impregnating you and he was trapped in a loveless (on his side) marriage with a wife he never wanted.

 

Frankly, you've both done some disgusting, unforgivable things to each other.

 

Chickie - they aren't married. Just boyfriend and girlfriend.

[Humperdinck]

Well, you're quite unlovable.

 

You trick him and trap him by getting pregnant. You told him he needed to move in and take care of his "family" that your created by trapping and lying to him.

 

But now you say you didn't demand that. Which personality am I talking to now?

 

I'm guessing he "got back" with you as a soft landing after his relationship ended. Warm, reliable place for his penis.

 

If you had told him when he was sober and you were outside of the bedroom, fully clothed that you were stopping the birth control pill and could become pregnant...l

 

THEN HE HAD ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE TO MAKE A CHOICE!!!!!!!!

 

You took his ability to make a choice AWAY.

 

Do you know what the word catalyst means?

also using a kid as a pawn - that is awful

[Whatdoido225]

Well, you're quite unlovable.

 

You trick him and trap him by getting pregnant. You told him he needed to move in and take care of his "family" that your created by trapping and lying to him.

 

But now you say you didn't demand that. Which personality am I talking to now?

 

I'm guessing he "got back" with you as a soft landing after his relationship ended. Warm, reliable place for his penis.

 

If you had told him when he was sober and you were outside of the bedroom, fully clothed that you were stopping the birth control pill and could become pregnant...l

 

THEN HE HAD ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE TO MAKE A CHOICE!!!!!!!!

 

You took his ability to make a choice AWAY.

 

Do you know what the word catalyst means?

 

He was having he's "affair" before I even got pregnant so it certainly wasn't the traps of the baby that pushed him to do it.

[Lady Hamilton]

I'm not a nasty person.Ive never done anything but love him.

I've never cheated,never text another man.

 

So? A successful relationship is more than not texting other people. For whatever reason, it didn't work out and it isn't working out. The more you browbeat him into loving you, the less it'll work.

 

I wanted another child I was broody and had been with him years so why not stop taking the pill.

 

Because you weren't ready.

Because he wasn't ready.

Because your relationship was broken.

Because you were using an innocent baby as an anchor to keep your boyfriend.

Because a woman intentionally getting pregnant without her man's knowledge so she can blackmail him into a relationship is just as wrong and immoral as an affair.

 

Need I go on?

 

At least you've abandoned the "my stomach was upset so I guess the pill didn't work" excuse that nobody believed.

 

Have you told him that you did this or do you continue to look him in the eye and lie about it on a daily basis? When do you plan on letting him in on your little plot? I suspect he suspects it already so telling him that's what you did may bring some closure and perspective.

 

Now our daughter is here he should of got a grip.

He seems to have accepted he's life now and is trying.

He has never actually said I don't want to be here,when he stays out he isn't forced to come home..he chooses to come home.

So what if he had "feelings" for her,he had to get over it and deal with he's responsibility.

He was selfish and hurt me.

 

And you were doubly selfish to use an innocent child to trap a man into staying that didn't want to stay. You hurt him and your children in ways that are totally incalculable. Telling a man to "get a grip" over a situation you blackmailed him into is a big problem.

 

Now you have a partner who wants out, children with a detached father, a boyfriend slowly killing himself through weight gain and alcohol, and you feel that's Ok because you want him. The bad juju that is using a baby to duct tape a relationship together is in full force, so you can either confront him about the mess of a relationship he finds himself trapped in by your actions and try to work it out like adults, or you can sit back and wait for the next time his ex AP shows up (or somebody new) and he doesn't feel like pretending to try anymore.

 

You can pretend the affair didn't happen. You can pretend he stayed for you. You can even pretend you have a functional relationship. But the reality bus is a few stops away... It's better to confront it now than have it inflicted on you later.

[Lady Hamilton]

I do work 16 hours a week at a local shop.

That isn't enough to cover house and childcare and bills etc.

He is functional he mentains he's job and once a week takes our daughter to he's parents for tea without me.

He has always been a hard worker,and he takes on as many hours as he can do.

I do snap at him and try and tell him not to drink or have friends over but who wouldn't let's be honest.

 

So you work less than part time and in the matter of a post he went from hating shouldering all the responsibility financially to happily working as many hours as he can.

 

If you split, you can easily take on more hours working to help sustain the household during the times he has custody.

 

And why can't he have friends over? My house is a revolving door for my friends and my husband's friends. Why can't he have his friends over?

[Whatdoido225]

So you work less than part time and in the matter of a post he went from hating shouldering all the responsibility financially to happily working as many hours as he can.

 

If you split, you can easily take on more hours working to help sustain the household during the times he has custody.

 

And why can't he have friends over? My house is a revolving door for my friends and my husband's friends. Why can't he have his friends over?

 

Because when he's best friend comes over,he never wants him to leave.

They are in he's room all night,playing stupid games or drinking.

Not ideal with a 1 year old in the house.

It's easier to tell him he's asleep or not in.

They would stay up till late and il never get rid of him.

He has never hated working,he doesn't like the job he does but always has worked lots of hours.

[Lady Hamilton]

Because when he's best friend comes over,he never wants him to leave.

They are in he's room all night,playing stupid games or drinking.

Not ideal with a 1 year old in the house.

It's easier to tell him he's asleep or not in.

They would stay up till late and il never get rid of him.

He has never hated working,he doesn't like the job he does but always has worked lots of hours.

 

You do realize you're displaying behavior characteristic of an abuser, correct?

 

Emotional blackmail. Manipulation. Isolation. Cultivating a false dependency. Coercion of another for reasons your own personal gain. Verbal berating over inconsequential things.

 

I don't blame you for being jealous of the other woman. You've convinced yourself that having his body physically near you is a relationship. You convince yourself that loving the kids translates to love for you. Even though he's a dead husk of a person for you emotionally, you are satisfied because his address is the same as yours and publicly you can claim ownership.

 

Then you find the texts and find that the emotional attachment and bond he shared with an OW was lightyears beyond what you could have ever have hoped to enjoy. The half of a relationship he had with her was infinitely better than the whole of a relationship you have with him. You now have to face the fact that with somebody else, he's vibrant and happy and open about his feelings of affection... and with you, he's the zombie.

 

In short, he owed her nothing and did nothing to force him to stay and he gave her what you've been trying to build through traps, lies, and manipulation.

 

I don't blame you for being jealous. It's hard when you realize that carefully crafted deception isn't enough to drag out of him what he willingly wants to give somebody else.

 

And for all the talk of how you won because he stayed so he must love you...

 

He hasn't proposed.

You aren't engaged.

You're not married.

Nowhere have you said he's indicated he wants to get married

You have the exact, same relationship you had before you broke up, just with an additional person

 

Increase your hours at work. Help him decrease his. Talk about your future. Shore up yourself and your ability to care for yourself and your family in a coparenting relationship. The likilhood of him riding out feeling like this until he's 53 is about zero.

 

And don't "accidentally" get pregnant again. That is the most vile, deceitful thing a woman can do to a man and a mother can do to a child.

[OneLov]

Because when he's best friend comes over,

 

(he) does not pay attention to me and seems to be having fun with another human being."

 

OP,

 

What will happen 20 years from now when your daughter moves out to start her own life? What are you going to use to shackle him?

[Lady2163]

(he) does not pay attention to me and seems to be having fun with another human being."

 

OP,

 

What will happen 20 years from now when your daughter moves out to start her own life? What are you going to use to shackle him?

 

That's easy...another baby in 3-5 years.....

[Lady2163]

You do realize you're displaying behavior characteristic of an abuser, correct?

 

Emotional blackmail. Manipulation. Isolation. Cultivating a false dependency. Coercion of another for reasons your own personal gain. Verbal berating over inconsequential things.

 

I don't blame you for being jealous of the other woman. You've convinced yourself that having his body physically near you is a relationship. You convince yourself that loving the kids translates to love for you. Even though he's a dead husk of a person for you emotionally, you are satisfied because his address is the same as yours and publicly you can claim ownership.

 

Then you find the texts and find that the emotional attachment and bond he shared with an OW was lightyears beyond what you could have ever have hoped to enjoy. The half of a relationship he had with her was infinitely better than the whole of a relationship you have with him. You now have to face the fact that with somebody else, he's vibrant and happy and open about his feelings of affection... and with you, he's the zombie.

 

In short, he owed her nothing and did nothing to force him to stay and he gave her what you've been trying to build through traps, lies, and manipulation.

 

I don't blame you for being jealous. It's hard when you realize that carefully crafted deception isn't enough to drag out of him what he willingly wants to give somebody else.

 

And for all the talk of how you won because he stayed so he must love you...

 

He hasn't proposed.

You aren't engaged.

You're not married.

Nowhere have you said he's indicated he wants to get married

You have the exact, same relationship you had before you broke up, just with an additional person

 

Increase your hours at work. Help him decrease his. Talk about your future. Shore up yourself and your ability to care for yourself and your family in a coparenting relationship. The likilhood of him riding out feeling like this until he's 53 is about zero.

 

And don't "accidentally" get pregnant again. That is the most vile, deceitful thing a woman can do to a man and a mother can do to a child.

 

Give it up, Lady H...she's not interested in listening to any options or alternatives. I'm truly hoping this is a troll.

[Whatdoido225]

I'm not a troll and I do listen.

I have made mistakes and I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't feel guilty for it.

I do hate seeing him down and loosing interest in things,I do love him more than anything and maybe that is why it's turned a little addictive and not healthy.

When we were apart I honestly thought he was gone for good then he was back and I was happy again.

I didn't want to loose him again.

The time we were apart I never dated anyone and even think about it.

I thought that this would make us better,I assumed he was scared of commitment because he was so outgoing and liked being here there and everywhere.

I have suffered from depressive episodes in the past myself and had cognitive behaviour therapy a number of times for my problems.

I know i haven't came across very well and I'm sorry for that.

I'm just trying to explain how things are.

Yes I am very jealous of the woman,who wouldn't be,she didn't give him a child yet he is all over her.

It was obvious to me he loved her,in our early years it was the same with me,I could see it just reading conversations.

I don't want him to have feelings for anybody but me and I'm so pleased he ended things with her and I'm pleased our daughter kept him here or even if a part stayed out of guilt about leaving me.

I'm not going to lie

[ChickiePops]

Chickie - they aren't married. Just boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

Good..easier for him to leave then.

 

Whatdoido are you taking in ANY of what we're saying? Do you understand why people here are angry with you and disgusted by your behavior?

[Whatdoido225]

Good..easier for him to leave then.

 

Whatdoido are you taking in ANY of what we're saying? Do you understand why people here are angry with you and disgusted by your behavior?

 

Yes I can ..but him cheating wasn't exactly nice behaviour either

[Lady2163]

I'm not a troll and I do listen.

I have made mistakes and I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't feel guilty for it.

I do hate seeing him down and loosing interest in things,I do love him more than anything and maybe that is why it's turned a little addictive and not healthy.

When we were apart I honestly thought he was gone for good then he was back and I was happy again.

I didn't want to loose him again.

The time we were apart I never dated anyone and even think about it.

I thought that this would make us better,I assumed he was scared of commitment because he was so outgoing and liked being here there and everywhere.

I have suffered from depressive episodes in the past myself and had cognitive behaviour therapy a number of times for my problems.

I know i haven't came across very well and I'm sorry for that.

I'm just trying to explain how things are.

Yes I am very jealous of the woman,who wouldn't be,she didn't give him a child yet he is all over her.

It was obvious to me he loved her,in our early years it was the same with me,I could see it just reading conversations.

I don't want him to have feelings for anybody but me and I'm so pleased he ended things with her and I'm pleased our daughter kept him here or even if a part stayed out of guilt about leaving me.

I'm not going to lie

 

Fabulous! You're not going to lie! You're going to tell him the truth about discontinuing birth control and lying to him an trapping him. You're going to give him a true chance to make a choice - that's great!

 

Get back to therapy. You need someone to talk to and steer you on a healthier path.

Edited July 12, 2016 by Lady2163
Path, not past

[OneLov]

I'm not a troll and I do listen.

I have made mistakes and I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't feel guilty for it.

I do hate seeing him down and loosing interest in things,I do love him more than anything and maybe that is why it's turned a little addictive and not healthy.

When we were apart I honestly thought he was gone for good then he was back and I was happy again.

I didn't want to loose him again.

The time we were apart I never dated anyone and even think about it.

I thought that this would make us better,I assumed he was scared of commitment because he was so outgoing and liked being here there and everywhere.

I have suffered from depressive episodes in the past myself and had cognitive behaviour therapy a number of times for my problems.

I know i haven't came across very well and I'm sorry for that.

I'm just trying to explain how things are.

Yes I am very jealous of the woman,who wouldn't be,she didn't give him a child yet he is all over her.

It was obvious to me he loved her,in our early years it was the same with me,I could see it just reading conversations.

I don't want him to have feelings for anybody but me and I'm so pleased he ended things with her and I'm pleased our daughter kept him here or even if a part stayed out of guilt about leaving me.

I'm not going to lie

 

What you do not understand is that you cannot "buy" love. It does not matter what you give someone -- money, children, house, cars, etc. The reason(s) he was attracted to her is because of what she was NOT giving him -- sh*t for playing video games, lectures on how much he should or should not be drinking, mandates on whom he should have feelings for, a child to use as an emotional bargaining chip, etc.

[Lady2163]

Yes I can ..but him cheating wasn't exactly nice behaviour either

 

You said this happened when you were seeing each other,but not pregnant yet.

 

Unless he had specifically agreed to be monogamous and exclusive, even if you WANTED it, if he hadn't agreed to it and discussed it, that commitment wasn't there.

 

You weren't living together. You were a rebound from another woman. Yes, you had past history. There's a reason after seven years of off and on, he didn't wife you.

 

He didn't cheat.

[elaine567]

You said this happened when you were seeing each other,but not pregnant yet.

 

Unless he had specifically agreed to be monogamous and exclusive, even if you WANTED it, if he hadn't agreed to it and discussed it, that commitment wasn't there.

 

You weren't living together. You were a rebound from another woman. Yes, you had past history. There's a reason after seven years of off and on, he didn't wife you.

 

He didn't cheat.

 

I think that is being a little unfair on the OP.

They dated, he broke up with her, they had a break of a year in which he dated someone else and he then returned to the OP, she got pregnant they set up home together. He baby is now a year old and he broke up with his OW 7 months ago, that is cheating surely?

[Whatdoido225]

I don't know what else to say.

I think a few of you have already made your judgements about me.

Maybe he doesn't love me like he did but he still cares I think.

Maybe he feels a duty to me I don't know anymore.

This week he is working nights and he has gone to he's parents for tea so I will see him for about an hour.

[elaine567]

Notwithstanding how wrong the OP was to trick the bf into having a child with her, she is a betrayed woman whose bf cheated on her with another woman, she has come here for support, not to be beaten black and blue.

 

Plenty people have done stupid things for "love", the OP is not alone.

[Lady2163]

I think that is being a little unfair on the OP.

They dated, he broke up with her, they had a break of a year in which he dated someone else and he then returned to the OP, she got pregnant they set up home together. He baby is now a year old and he broke up with his OW 7 months ago, that is cheating surely?

 

See post #135. The affair was before she got pregnant, when they were just seeing each other after things ended for him in another relationship. They weren't living together.

 

After X number of years together he hadn't decided to marry her or discuss living together or having a baby. She knew him well enough that he would step up if it happened. But, he wasn't telling her to make it happen, discontinue birth control, etc.

 

I'm saying without a monogamy discussion and verbal agreement to not see other people, he wasn't cheating. He just wasn't rubbing her face in the fact he had other women. If I were a betting person, I'd say she already suspected the possibility.

 

I'm not full of a lot of soft sympathy anymore. She betrayed him, won't tell him the truth and if she isn't back in therapy within a couple of weeks, she doesn't want it to change....

[ChickiePops]

I think that is being a little unfair on the OP.

They dated, he broke up with her, they had a break of a year in which he dated someone else and he then returned to the OP, she got pregnant they set up home together. He baby is now a year old and he broke up with his OW 7 months ago, that is cheating surely?

 

I do agree with this..he did cheat and it was wrong. It was also wrong of him to use her as a rebound when he got dumped. As I said earlier, I think BOTH of them have done awful and unforgivable things to each other and I do not believe this relationship will last much longer. (I also think that calling someone unlovable is way too harsh, I saw that in a previous post and cringed.)

 

BUT

 

It's hard to trust what the OP says, as she has admitted to dishonesty (both here and to her boyfriend) in several of her posts, and her story is hard to follow because it keeps changing..not to mention the fact that the OP decided to bring an innocent child into this dysfunctional situation. This is what disturbs me the most.

 

No, he shouldn't have cheated. Cheating is vile and inexcusable. But the OP not only tricked him into having a child he didn't want, but she openly states that she would take his daughter away from him if he left (which he doesn't appear to be smart enough to rebuff). That's worse to me. She also isolates him from his friends. As another poster stated, this is ABUSIVE behavior.

 

Her boyfriend appears to be sinking into a deep depression because of his situation but the OP does not seem to care as long as she gets what she wants.

 

Neither of them sound like great people to me, but I can forgive what the boyfriend did more than I can forgive what the OP did and continues to do. He appears to have grown a conscience and broken his affair off for the sake of his daughter while the OP continues to use her to keep him trapped in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship.

 

All in all, it is just a sad and dysfunctional situation and the person who will suffer the most is the daughter.

[Whatdoido225]

I do agree with this..he did cheat and it was wrong. It was also wrong of him to use her as a rebound when he got dumped. As I said earlier, I think BOTH of them have done awful and unforgivable things to each other and I do not believe this relationship will last much longer. (I also think that calling someone unlovable is way too harsh, I saw that in a previous post and cringed.)

 

BUT

 

It's hard to trust what the OP says, as she has admitted to dishonesty (both here and to her boyfriend) in several of her posts, and her story is hard to follow because it keeps changing..not to mention the fact that the OP decided to bring an innocent child into this dysfunctional situation. This is what disturbs me the most.

 

No, he shouldn't have cheated. Cheating is vile and inexcusable. But the OP not only tricked him into having a child he didn't want, but she openly states that she would take his daughter away from him if he left (which he doesn't appear to be smart enough to rebuff). That's worse to me. She also isolates him from his friends. As another poster stated, this is ABUSIVE behavior.

 

Her boyfriend appears to be sinking into a deep depression because of his situation but the OP does not seem to care as long as she gets what she wants.

 

Neither of them sound like great people to me, but I can forgive what the boyfriend did more than I can forgive what the OP did and continues to do. He appears to have grown a conscience and broken his affair off for the sake of his daughter while the OP continues to use her to keep him trapped in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship.

 

All in all, it is just a sad and dysfunctional situation and the person who will suffer the most is the daughter.

 

I do care about him,I love him and just want things to get better.

When you say he grew a conscience and ended it for our girl who's to say he didn't end it because he felt guilty as I had just gave birth to he's daughter?

Because feelings were still there?

That makes sense surely.

Up until this point he didn't feel bad about texting her etc

Maybe he realised he's feelings for me

We don't know what goes on in he's head.

[Zahara]

I do care about him,I love him and just want things to get better.

When you say he grew a conscience and ended it for our girl who's to say he didn't end it because he felt guilty as I had just gave birth to he's daughter?

Because feelings were still there?

That makes sense surely.

Up until this point he didn't feel bad about texting her etc

Maybe he realised he's feelings for me

We don't know what goes on in he's head.

 

This isn't love, OP. When you have to manipulate and scheme to get someone to be with you, it isn't love. You have an unhealthy obsession and dependency on this man that you manufacture in your head as "love".

 

When you care and truly love someone, you don't want to see them suffer or in pain. You let them go. Your definition of "love" however is warped and toxic.

Edited July 12, 2016 by Zahara

[ChickiePops]

I do care about him,I love him and just want things to get better.

When you say he grew a conscience and ended it for our girl who's to say he didn't end it because he felt guilty as I had just gave birth to he's daughter?

Because feelings were still there?

That makes sense surely.

Up until this point he didn't feel bad about texting her etc

Maybe he realised he's feelings for me

We don't know what goes on in he's head.

 

Absolutely none of what you've posted here makes it sound like he loves you, and none of what you've posted makes it sound like you care about him or about your daughter.

 

You care about KEEPING him. That's not the same as caring about him. That is you caring about yourself.