He has had a affair, is it over?

[MJJean]

He's changed so much as a person lately too.

He doesn't care what he looks like anymore.

He used to take pride in he's appearance,not now.

He has put so much weight on,can't be bothered to shave.

He used to be so attractive.

I still find him attractive but he has changed.

 

He's unhappy. He's trapped in a marriage he doesn't want and he's grieving his OW.

 

Feels like he doesn't have to impress me now I guess.

 

Or maybe he doesn't WANT to impress you and isn't able to be with a woman he does want to impress, so he just gave up.

 

Why is this all about you? Have you even thought about what this must be like for him? And the kids? They're getting an unkempt alcoholic for a father who is probably clinically depressed.

[Whatdoido225]

Can I just say this "affair" was much more emotional than physical.

One of the messages he even said its not even about sex,so it's not like they were at it all the time(if that makes any sense at all)

I mean it didn't seem really really passionate.

[Whatdoido225]

He's unhappy. He's trapped in a marriage he doesn't want and he's grieving his OW.

 

 

 

Or maybe he doesn't WANT to impress you and isn't able to be with a woman he does want to impress, so he just gave up.

 

Why is this all about you? Have you even thought about what this must be like for him? And the kids? They're getting an unkempt alcoholic for a father who is probably clinically depressed.

 

To say he's unhappy is a bit hurtful.

As if our daughter isn't enough to make him happy.

Maybe nothing can make him happy.

[ChickiePops]

Can I just say this "affair" was much more emotional than physical.

One of the messages he even said its not even about sex,so it's not like they were at it all the time(if that makes any sense at all)

I mean it didn't seem really really passionate.

 

So you prefer the fact that he had real feelings for this woman over it just being about sex? Why?

 

It wasn't an 'affair', it was an affair. No quotation marks.

 

You keep trying to manipulate the way everyone sees the situation to make us all agree with you. It's not working. The more you say, the more apparent it is that he is unhappy, and the more apparent it is that you will do anything to get him to stay with you including tolerate and excuse abusive language and a months long affair.

 

Why are you so desperate to keep this man?

[alsudduth]

Feels like he doesn't have to impress me now I guess.

 

He doesn't have to impress you.

 

It doesn't matter what he does, you aren't going to leave him, and he doesn't seem to even like you very much from what you say, so why would he try to look good for you?

 

I'm not exactly sure what you want all of us to tell you about this situation. This is not a healthy relationship. No relationship is perfect, but I can tell you for dang sure that this is not the relationship you should be aiming for. Have some respect for yourself, and your kids, and him too honestly....do the mature thing, end the relationship, and learn to co parent with him. I can almost guarantee that you will be happier in the long run, as will your children.

[stillafool]

To say he's unhappy is a bit hurtful.

As if our daughter isn't enough to make him happy.

Maybe nothing can make him happy.

 

I'm sure his daughter is the only thing in his life that does make him happy. He is depressed because he feels trapped so he doesn't care about his appearance anymore. What's the use?

[ChickiePops]

I can see why you'd think this is getting a little harsh, but I don't think anyone here is saying that you're a bad person..we're just frustrated with you because you resolutely refuse to even consider the fact that he may not love you or want you. You're all over the place..you keep contradicting yourself to try to convince us (and yourself) that this man still loves you and wants to be with you but absolutely nothing at all that you've said here shows anyone that.

 

Your husband loves your daughter and he wants to try to do what's best for her, but it's obviously at the expense of his own happiness. This is clearly already rubbing off on you and will eventually start rubbing off on her as well.

 

Kids are very perceptive. His daughter will eventually pick up on the fact that he's so unhappy. Frankly, in the long run, it would be healthier for everyone if you two separated and pursued other people.

 

You made a comment above that having his child should be enough for him..that you have his child and his other woman does not - you gave yourself away there. There's no doubt at all in my mind that you planned your pregnancy in order to trap him into marrying you and now you're wondering why he's miserable.

 

He's miserable because he did not want to be with you. He still doesn't.

 

I'm sorry. It really and truly sucks to love someone who doesn't want to be with you. But the tighter you hold on, the more you're pushing him from indifference to hatred. He will end up seriously resenting you in the end, and imagine how awful things will be when mommy and daddy can't get along at all.

[Zahara]

He's changed so much as a person lately too.

He doesn't care what he looks like anymore.

He used to take pride in he's appearance,not now.

He has put so much weight on,can't be bothered to shave.

He used to be so attractive.

I still find him attractive but he has changed.

 

I know I let myself go when I was married because I was not in love with my husband anymore, and I was riddled with depression and the painful, daily reminder that I was stuck in a situation I didn't want to be in. And I just lost all interest in upkeeping myself.

 

He's changed because he's not happy. He's happy with the fact that he has his daughter, which is a consolation but there's still that great big elephant in the room -- he's in a marriage that isn't fulfilling for him. And he is reminded of it everyday.

[Lady Hamilton]

Feels like he doesn't have to impress me now I guess.

 

Or, more likely, considering he has started drinking and isolates himself, he's dealing with some major, major depression.

[Lady Hamilton]

Can I just say this "affair" was much more emotional than physical.

One of the messages he even said its not even about sex,so it's not like they were at it all the time(if that makes any sense at all)

I mean it didn't seem really really passionate.

 

Actually, the messages saying it's not about the sex but the emotional connection means it's far, far more passionate than if it were just physical.

 

And either way, it's certainly a passion well above and beyond what you two experience together so it seems like a pointless thing to try and use that as proof of anything.

[Lady Hamilton]

To say he's unhappy is a bit hurtful.

As if our daughter isn't enough to make him happy.

Maybe nothing can make him happy.

 

As somebody who wanted kids forever, struggled through years of infertility, miscarriages, a deep and soul-swallowing depression over not getting pregnant, who finally did get pregnant and is now the mother to one and step to two more, let me tell you... Children are not enough to make you happy.

 

And if somebody like me, who has wanted children so badly from an age younger than most, says kids aren't enough to make you happy... They really, really aren't.

 

That doesn't mean that nothing can make him happy. It means that when only one part of your life satisfies you and the rest makes you miserable, the happiness of one isn't enough to erase the unhappiness of the rest. Kind of like a car with three flat tires will never drive, regardless of how full the one tire left is.

[dreamingoftigers]

It isn't about "fairness" it's about reality.

 

He's a train-wreck and obviously an alcoholic.

 

He's not available for a real relationship.

 

Just like he wasn't available for a real relationship with you OR her.

 

I don't even think he knows why he started or stopped that relationship.

 

He's a train-wreck. And instead of salvaging what you can from the wreck, you are standing there photographing it to put in a scrapbook.

 

Kick. His. Ass. To. The. Curb.

 

What a terrible example for both of your children.

 

My husband tried to bring his alcoholism into the house and he ended up with a one-way ticket to live in his car. I grew up with an alcoholic, moody father who later turned out to be an adulterer. It caused severe damage that has taken years of therapy and solid sekf-work to overcome. Not to mention I ended up marrying an alcoholic (he was sober for five years into our marriage) I suspect that the same emotional patterns modelled to me from the alcoholism are what caused that to happen.

 

You and your girls have much bigger problems than if he has fluffy feelings for the girl on the side.

 

You are living dead center in emotional abuse. Time to get out if it.

 

I suggest going to an infidelity support group.

 

I don't think this guy has a big case of "unrequited love" I think he has a big case of entitlement and alcoholism.

 

That's not loving ANYONE. Not even himself.

 

Men's hearts often follow what they invest their dick, dime or time into. He hasn't committed all three to any one woman (clearly) so he's a mess just like the typical adulterer that can't cope and blames everyone else.

 

He doesn't have any excuse for cheating on you. Period. I don't care how "wistfully unhappy" he might have been. He made a choice and his happiness is his own responsibility. If you weren't abusing him, cheating on him or psychologically manipulating him, then he needed to put on his big boy pants and exit stage left.

 

If he wasn't ready to get you pregnant, he knows to pick up a box of condoms.

[Lady2163]

It's never been a discussion about what would happen if we split but he knows he would hardly see them if we split.

I don't think any woman would let her partner leave her then give him what he wants.

It would be difficult and he knows it and he knows the shame he would face especially do my family walking away and abandoning his kids.

That's why I know he wouldn't leave.

 

This was a very telling post for me. I have to ask - are you learning disabled and/or have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder? It doesn't mean your unintelligent or damaged, but your thought process and reading comprehension is just....off.

 

You love him, but you know you're making him miserable. You know he doesn't love you. This is a boyfriend, not a husband. You guilt him into staying with you, you possibly "accidentally" trapped him. What? Did you trip over something, fall on his penis and end up pregnant?

 

You aren't showing him love. You seem to hold yourself above the law. If he doesn't stay with you, somehow you think he will be denied 50/50 custody.

 

You're watching a man deteriorate before your eyes. But because you "love" him, that's too bad for him.

 

You know he doesn't love you. This is wrong for him and wrong for you. I'm not feeling a lot of unconditional positive regard for you as I write this, I think you're perfectly happy destroying someone for your own happiness. But, don't you think you deserve someone who loves you?

 

IF you really love him, let him go. Sit down with him and tell him you know he isn't happy. Does he know what would make himself happy? What about a three month trial separation with 50/50 custody? Tell him you love him enough to want him happy. Make an honest sacrifice and don't guilt him if he agrees to the separation.

 

If you love someone, then every action, every minute and every decision matters. It took me too long in life to realize that. I'm also able to look at that sentence and know there were people in my life I didn't truly love and who didn't truly love me.

 

I don't think you have it in you to set him free. You want to keep him hostage. His life has to be a living hell.

[Whatdoido225]

This was a very telling post for me. I have to ask - are you learning disabled and/or have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder? It doesn't mean your unintelligent or damaged, but your thought process and reading comprehension is just....off.

 

You love him, but you know you're making him miserable. You know he doesn't love you. This is a boyfriend, not a husband. You guilt him into staying with you, you possibly "accidentally" trapped him. What? Did you trip over something, fall on his penis and end up pregnant?

 

You aren't showing him love. You seem to hold yourself above the law. If he doesn't stay with you, somehow you think he will be denied 50/50 custody.

 

You're watching a man deteriorate before your eyes. But because you "love" him, that's too bad for him.

 

You know he doesn't love you. This is wrong for him and wrong for you. I'm not feeling a lot of unconditional positive regard for you as I write this, I think you're perfectly happy destroying someone for your own happiness. But, don't you think you deserve someone who loves you?

 

IF you really love him, let him go. Sit down with him and tell him you know he isn't happy. Does he know what would make himself happy? What about a three month trial separation with 50/50 custody? Tell him you love him enough to want him happy. Make an honest sacrifice and don't guilt him if he agrees to the separation.

 

If you love someone, then every action, every minute and every decision matters. It took me too long in life to realize that. I'm also able to look at that sentence and know there were people in my life I didn't truly love and who didn't truly love me.

 

I don't think you have it in you to set him free. You want to keep him hostage. His life has to be a living hell.

 

I don't think he's life is a living hell.

He works hard 50 hours a week for us.

Even before we lived together he drank on weekends

Although I never seen it.

I don't think he knew what he wanted.

I'm not sure if it was the pressure of the life he had been given he couldn't get used to.

It was a massive change.

He pays for everthing,all bills etc.

So he isn't used to doing that.

He doesn't drink every weekend,when I really put my foot down and make it clear that he can't well then he doesn't.

Or if I'm going out he will have to stay sober with kids.

It was a massive change in he's life.

Maybe he's still getting used to it.

I think settling down just scared him if I'm honest.

[elaine567]

I don't think he's life is a living hell.

He works hard 50 hours a week for us.

 

He pays for everthing,all bills etc.

 

Ok, so you are n a really bad situation if he just ups and leaves you.

I guess that is why you do not want to rock any boats and why you will put up with just about anything.

[Phoenician]

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering ...

sometimes we are put in situations were no much choices exists ; From what you described , I can see that the following are facts ...

 

-He is not really a bad person ,he is trying his best to stay for a family ; maybe it hurts you that he is not staying for you only ; like would he have left if you were not preg?

 

-He still have emotions for you , and committed to raise a family .

-he doesn't seem to be as a serial cheater ; but emotionally vulnerable , and he started his affair while you were not together .

 

the above are the good things .

 

-the bad things is that he is still vulnerable ; he has an emotional gap that your relation is not fulfilling .

 

-he is going from time to time in depressions from actions he has done and lacks of passion .

 

i am not defending him ; but these are facts

 

 

The way I see it ; look at it from a positive perspective ; he seems to be a giver ; the logic of saying you desrve a better person is a relative fact not absolute one ; meaning that may be you if you divorce him you will end up with a guy who is great to you but bad to your children ; can you tolerate that ?

 

you seem to love him but hurt ; IMO rocking the boat will just put you in a worse situation ; you love him ?

 

sacrifice , don't play the role of PI and make your life miserable ;

love him and be kind to him , by actions not just words .

 

look at it differntly , i might look odd in seeing it and cruel to the fact that you are hurt ; but try your best first , be venus to him ; and by saying this I don't mean to compete with other women , no .

 

A good hearted man will confess when his woman is caring , his sense of guilt will one day force him to do it ; when he is ready for that .

 

 

Be sure that those men who are sincere and loyal yet they fall into the trap of emotional vulnerability are not cheaters by nature ; not like those who lies and lies and cheat at every opportunity.

 

they want empathy , love and care that they are not finding ...

 

 

You love him , don't loose him , he seems a good hearted guy ; bring him back .

 

I lasted more than 15 years in a careless marriage (it is a more accurate word than saying sexless marriage ) -If my wife cares about me , I will never think abt any other women ;Sex is the way we man express our love , but when reaching maturity care and love is more important .

 

I miss my wife ; who never been caring ;I miss a lovely wife who never existed ; and still hope and hope and hope one day she will understand how much I am missing love ...

 

Lady , don't tell him , don't let your ego control you ; breakup when you can not be emotionally free is hard ; look at those thousand ppl who post here about NC ... they are suffering more than when they were with a cheater under the same roof .

 

 

I pray for you to have the strength to conquere this battle as I pray to my wife to change ...

 

 

Good luck

[Whatdoido225]

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering ...

sometimes we are put in situations were no much choices exists ; From what you described , I can see that the following are facts ...

 

-He is not really a bad person ,he is trying his best to stay for a family ; maybe it hurts you that he is not staying for you only ; like would he have left if you were not preg?

 

-He still have emotions for you , and committed to raise a family .

-he doesn't seem to be as a serial cheater ; but emotionally vulnerable , and he started his affair while you were not together .

 

the above are the good things .

 

-the bad things is that he is still vulnerable ; he has an emotional gap that your relation is not fulfilling .

 

-he is going from time to time in depressions from actions he has done and lacks of passion .

 

i am not defending him ; but these are facts

 

 

The way I see it ; look at it from a positive perspective ; he seems to be a giver ; the logic of saying you desrve a better person is a relative fact not absolute one ; meaning that may be you if you divorce him you will end up with a guy who is great to you but bad to your children ; can you tolerate that ?

 

you seem to love him but hurt ; IMO rocking the boat will just put you in a worse situation ; you love him ?

 

sacrifice , don't play the role of PI and make your life miserable ;

love him and be kind to him , by actions not just words .

 

look at it differntly , i might look odd in seeing it and cruel to the fact that you are hurt ; but try your best first , be venus to him ; and by saying this I don't mean to compete with other women , no .

 

A good hearted man will confess when his woman is caring , his sense of guilt will one day force him to do it ; when he is ready for that .

 

 

Be sure that those men who are sincere and loyal yet they fall into the trap of emotional vulnerability are not cheaters by nature ; not like those who lies and lies and cheat at every opportunity.

 

they want empathy , love and care that they are not finding ...

 

 

You love him , don't loose him , he seems a good hearted guy ; bring him back .

 

I lasted more than 15 years in a careless marriage (it is a more accurate word than saying sexless marriage ) -If my wife cares about me , I will never think abt any other women ;Sex is the way we man express our love , but when reaching maturity care and love is more important .

 

I miss my wife ; who never been caring ;I miss a lovely wife who never existed ; and still hope and hope and hope one day she will understand how much I am missing love ...

 

Lady , don't tell him , don't let your ego control you ; breakup when you can not be emotionally free is hard ; look at those thousand ppl who post here about NC ... they are suffering more than when they were with a cheater under the same roof .

 

 

I pray for you to have the strength to conquere this battle as I pray to my wife to change ...

 

 

Good luck

He did actually start when we were together.

I don't think we would be together if it hadn't been for pregnancy and he wouldn't of moved in.

I know 100%

I don't know if he loves me but Is just confused or developed feelings for this other woman but ultimately he loved me more.

I don't know anymore.

But he decided he's family was more important than her

He has got a good heart just can have a nasty streak at times and I don't know why

I love him and won't loose him

[elaine567]

-he doesn't seem to be as a serial cheater ; but emotionally vulnerable , and he started his affair while you were not together .

 

You don't know that he is not a serial cheater, and we do not actually know when he started the affair, as he has know her for "years".

 

The woman he started seeing when they broke up, is not the same woman he was having an affair with.

Two different women.

[Miss Clavel]

My boyfriend and I have had a rocky time.

Been together 7 years but split for a year in between.

He ended it and started seeing someone else for 9 months then we got back together.

Within 3 months I accidentally got pregnant.

Up until this point he wouldn't commit but I told him now baby was arriving he would have to move in and become a family.

I have a daughter from previous relationship.

Fast forward and our daughter arrives and we set up house.

He is always miserable and drinking and just not really there.

Anyway it's been rocky since,arguments here and there ending with him staying with he's dad occasionally.

He is a great dad and calls my other daughter he's daughter.

Then last night I found a SIM card in the draws.

He had spent months and months having a emotional affair.

Couldn't believe what I was reading.

He would constantly message her.

I seen messages saying he couldn't stop thinking of her,this went on for months

He was asking her what this was,was she in love.

Messages saying he wished it wasn't complicated and she was perfect for him.

Then he was saying that he couldn't leave he's daughter,he then text her saying how he wished he could of lay in her arms forever.

More texts read he had too much to loose,he couldn't leave he's daughter and it was over.

That was the last text 7 months ago.

Looking back at that time he was drinking loads and now I'm thinking was he drowning he's sorrows because he was stuck with me.

I'm questioning if he even loves me.

Did he love her?

The girls name he mentioned when drunk a while ago the. When I asked he said she was a girl from work.

 

 

gee, what a charming home life you have. living with a drunken cheater. wonder if she knows how much he drinks. cuz, he drinks around her too. he's a drunk, and that's on him, not you.

 

help him move out. give him the address of the local sobriety group. let him know you all love him but will not carry on living with him.

 

what happens next is up to him, the same way it's been up to him for a long long time.

 

he might not get sober, he might go straight to her house. he might get her knocked up. no matter what, you will have to be civil and let him visit his children, at your house since you know for a fact he drinks. he's not to have visitation at her house for the same reason.

 

keep repeating to him: "i don't trust you, i don't trust you, i don't trust you".

 

"make some changes and then i might learn to trust you".

 

let him go.

 

good luck

[Lady Hamilton]

I don't think he's life is a living hell.

He works hard 50 hours a week for us.

Even before we lived together he drank on weekends

Although I never seen it.

I don't think he knew what he wanted.

I'm not sure if it was the pressure of the life he had been given he couldn't get used to.

It was a massive change.

He pays for everthing,all bills etc.

So he isn't used to doing that.

He doesn't drink every weekend,when I really put my foot down and make it clear that he can't well then he doesn't.

Or if I'm going out he will have to stay sober with kids.

It was a massive change in he's life.

Maybe he's still getting used to it.

I think settling down just scared him if I'm honest.

 

Um...

 

He's not in love with his partner.

He's the sole breadwinner and has to work 50 hours to sustain the family.

He is 100% financially responsible for everything.

If he were to leave, you won't sustain yourself or the kids.

You won't let him leave because you want him even if he doesn't want you.

He in all probability loves somebody else that he had to give up because he fears you'd take the kids out of retaliation.

If it weren't for the "accidental" pregnancy, he'd have left (by your admission).

His partner has very little nice to say about him.

And when it is pointed out to his partner that he is clearly not happy, she says he's fine and then implies he must not be a good dad if his kids aren't enough to make him happy.

 

That doesn't sound like a non-hellish life to me. He is 100% trapped into a relationship be clearly doesn't want because you'd rather be with him than be with nobody, even though you don't have much nice to say about him either.

 

It's time to talk to him. Go out and start looking for work, then decide if staying together is truly for the best.

Edited July 12, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[ladydesigner]

Seriously what is with the posts feeling sympathy for this POS WS. He has free will, he's a big boy and can leave.

 

OP I say leave because he has no respect for you.

[Lady Hamilton]

Seriously what is with the posts feeling sympathy for this POS WS. He has free will, he's a big boy and can leave.

 

OP I say leave because he has no respect for you.

 

He has free will and can leave, and tried to do so, but the OP has set up barriers specifically designed to make it as hard as absolutely possible to leave. She is unemployed and he is the only source of income. She has stated she will not "give him what he wants" in seeing the kids if he leaves. When they reconciled she "accidentally" got pregnant so that he'd move back in and have to stay.

 

By her own admission, if she hadn't "accidentally" gotten pregnant, he would have left a long time ago.

 

So if he leaves, he has a girlfriend who is unemployed, kids that are financially unstable, an ex who won't cooperate with custody issues specifically because she knows it'll keep him around, not to mention she's unwilling to let him leave, and is looking at a man who went from functional to dependent on alcohol, gaining weight, ditching basic hygiene and flat out saying he's not invested in her or the relationship, and her only response is "Well, that's ok, as long as you don't leave..."

 

While practically, he can leave whenever, realistically there are people in jail with more freedom.

[Whatdoido225]

I'm not a nasty person.Ive never done anything but love him.

I've never cheated,never text another man.

When he ended it and said he didn't love me anymore I was heartbroken and then a year later he came back.

I wanted another child I was broody and had been with him years so why not stop taking the pill.

Now our daughter is here he should of got a grip.

He seems to have accepted he's life now and is trying.

He has never actually said I don't want to be here,when he stays out he isn't forced to come home..he chooses to come home.

So what if he had "feelings" for her,he had to get over it and deal with he's responsibility.

He was selfish and hurt me.

[Whatdoido225]

He has free will and can leave, and tried to do so, but the OP has set up barriers specifically designed to make it as hard as absolutely possible to leave. She is unemployed and he is the only source of income. She has stated she will not "give him what he wants" in seeing the kids if he leaves. When they reconciled she "accidentally" got pregnant so that he'd move back in and have to stay.

 

By her own admission, if she hadn't "accidentally" gotten pregnant, he would have left a long time ago.

 

So if he leaves, he has a girlfriend who is unemployed, kids that are financially unstable, an ex who won't cooperate with custody issues specifically because she knows it'll keep him around, not to mention she's unwilling to let him leave, and is looking at a man who went from functional to dependent on alcohol, gaining weight, ditching basic hygiene and flat out saying he's not invested in her or the relationship, and her only response is "Well, that's ok, as long as you don't leave..."

 

While practically, he can leave whenever, realistically there are people in jail with more freedom.

 

I do work 16 hours a week at a local shop.

That isn't enough to cover house and childcare and bills etc.

He is functional he mentains he's job and once a week takes our daughter to he's parents for tea without me.

He has always been a hard worker,and he takes on as many hours as he can do.

I do snap at him and try and tell him not to drink or have friends over but who wouldn't let's be honest.

[elaine567]

I wanted another child I was broody and had been with him years so why not stop taking the pill.

 

Did you ever discuss that with him or did you just stop taking the pill and assumed he would be OK with it?