elaine567 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Get yourself tested for STDs, many go unnoticed in women, but may affect your future fertility. He has slept with other women so by extension you are too, make sure you look out for your own health here. 1
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 You found one SIM, there may be another. Does he keep his phone very close to him at all times? Is he secretive with it? The SIM card you found hidden in a drawer may mean he has two phones, many cheaters do. When during an argument he leaves to go to his brother or father for the night, do you actually know he is there? Have you followed him there or do you just take his word for it? A trick of people who cheat is to deliberately cause an argument, stomp out annoyed and then go and meet the OW. Yeah he deffo goes there as they live around the corner and he is always passed out drunk in bed. He never goes out he is always in he's bedroom(the attick) he watches tv in there and il watch in the living room as we watch different things.
MJJean Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 It's never been a discussion about what would happen if we split but he knows he would hardly see them if we split. I don't think any woman would let her partner leave her then give him what he wants. It would be difficult and he knows it and he knows the shame he would face especially do my family walking away and abandoning his kids. That's why I know he wouldn't leave. what do you mean "give him what he wants"? It's not about what he "wants". It's about his legally enforceable parental rights and the fact that children have a right to see their parents. If he got smart and got a lawyer, he'd have a good shot at 50/50 custody of his child, but that would leave him without legal recourse for his step-child. So, he stays. Until he can't take it anymore or the kids get old enough to choose to see him and contact them on their own, whichever happens first. We don't know it what he was even saying to this woman was true. That could of been boredom. He also organised our weekend away with the kids. I don't think he would be doing that if he didn't care He does care. About the kids. He arranged a weekend away with his kids and, as you are their mother, he took you along, too. Don't you see that? I was your H. I was young and stupid. Dated a guy I had no intention of committing to, got pregnant by accident, married him, stayed for the kid, had affairs. When I told my AP's I was staying for the kids, I meant it. When I told my exH I hated him and such, I meant it. Every time I ended an affair because I felt I had to stay in the marriage for the kids, I treated my ex like shyt because I resented him for breathing. I even went through a period of drinking to cope with having to stay married to and play nice with someone I wished I didn't have to. Eventually, many affairs in, I found an AP I couldn't live without and divorced my exH so I could be with my AP. If you honestly think he's not going to leave, you're likely to be in for a rude awakening. I'd bet good money he's just biding his time until the kids are older and he'll make his escape. If he doesn't fall in love and leave before then. What I don't understand is why in the Hell are you staying with a man who has clearly told you he is only there for the kids, that he doesn't love you, that he doesn't respect you, that he doesn't want to be with you, and then had an emotional/physical affair with another woman who he also told he is only staying for the kids. I mean, seriously, he told you and he told her the same thing. Why don't you believe him? Because you don't want to? He's said it and he's shown it, what more do you need? Why are you so busy trying to keep a man around by using his children as pawns when you could simply divorce, peacefully co-parent, and find relationships with people who are actually compatible. 1
MJJean Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Yeah he deffo goes there as they live around the corner and he is always passed out drunk in bed. He never goes out he is always in he's bedroom(the attick) he watches tv in there and il watch in the living room as we watch different things. Regularly leaving to sleep in another home and hiding out in the attic aren't the actions of a man who is invested in his marriage. He drinks, passes out, sleeps in a separate room, and occasionally starts a fight as an excuse to leave and get away from you. Tell me again why you want to keep this man around? Seems to me like you make each other miserable and are setting a very bad example of what a loving marriage should be for those kids. 1
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 I just think it's best for the kids to have both parents living together. I love him,and see our future and hopefully things will get better. I worry that he might bump into this woman sometime and he's feelings will come back again,I know I can't control that. She must be local or someone he knows through friends. I do think the fear of what might happen will be enough to stop that happening. I am quite a jealous person so that doesn't help.
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Going from the messages to "her" he has known her for years so how long did he have feelings for,the whole situation makes me sick. I'm so angry at him,I know il forgive eventually.
ChickiePops Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 We don't know it what he was even saying to this woman was true. That could of been boredom. He also organised our weekend away with the kids. I don't think he would be doing that if he didn't care Caring about the kids doesn't equal caring about you. He treats you terribly, and you matter too. You're being a doormat..he thinks he's gotten away with this affair so what's stopping him from having more? Answer..nothing. I guarantee you he will if he's not already. You keep saying he'll never leave you because of his daughter..but if you truly believed that you would have no problem at all confronting him about his affair. 1
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 IF he really cared and was trying to be a decent father role model he wouldn't drink! And he wouldn't spend time and energy flirting with another woman. He's not a good husband and he's not a good father. He is setting a TERRIBLE example as a man! And you staying with him only shows your kids that it's all ok. It shouldn't be ok! YOU need to be the one to take action. Show them that when any person is doing unacceptable behaviors then they should be removed from the relationship. We train people how to treat us and you've trained him to treat you terribly yet YOU stayed. Stop setting a terrible example for your kids too - you're as much to blame as he is because you haven't done anything to change this. He ended it with her as he felt guilty which is a good sign. He wouldn't risk me finding out and he knew eventually I would. He respected us enough not to continue with her
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 I keep looking to find signs that he realised what a idiot he had been how he loved me and didn't care about her. Is that so wrong? I don't want to believe the couple of months he was a mess was because he missed her because there is no other explanation. He was drowning he's sorrows I can't stand thinking that was because he thought he was stuck with me. How horrible is it that the man you love is telling another woman he can't drip thinking of her,and pretty much saying he is in love with her. I've had to read a message from her saying how special it was and a man has never just held her like that. How is that fair? I've got he's child yet that's not enough. She hasn't got he's child..yet he feels like that for her.
MJJean Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 (edited) I keep looking to find signs that he realised what a idiot he had been how he loved me and didn't care about her. Is that so wrong? I don't want to believe the couple of months he was a mess was because he missed her because there is no other explanation. He was drowning he's sorrows I can't stand thinking that was because he thought he was stuck with me. How horrible is it that the man you love is telling another woman he can't drip thinking of her,and pretty much saying he is in love with her. I've had to read a message from her saying how special it was and a man has never just held her like that. How is that fair? I've got he's child yet that's not enough. She hasn't got he's child..yet he feels like that for her. Yes, it IS wrong to knowingly deceive yourself at the expense of you and the man you married. You're not happy or you wouldn't be here. He's not happy or he wouldn't be drinking and hiding out. He has told you and shown you that he doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you, and is only there because he loves the kids. Who will eventually grow up and free him to leave. He fell in love. He would have left you for her if it wasn't for the kids. Clearly, having a child with him is enough to keep him around (for now), but it's not enough to make him love you and want to be there. Because he just doesn't feel that way about you and probably never will. I had two kids with my exH. Didn't change the fact that I didn't love him and didn't want to be with him. I left him for a man I had no children with, but loved. Procreation is a function of biology. So what if you had a kid with him? ANYONE he had sex with that is fertile could have had a kid with him. Including the OW. Edited July 11, 2016 by MJJean 1
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Yes, it IS wrong to knowingly deceive yourself at the expense of you and the man you married. You're not happy or you wouldn't be here. He's not happy or he wouldn't be drinking and hiding out. He has told you and shown you that he doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you, and is only there because he loves the kids. Who will eventually grow up and free him to leave. He fell in love. He would have left you for her if it wasn't for the kids. Clearly, having a child with him is enough to keep him around (for now), but it's not enough to make him love you and want to be there. Because he just doesn't feel that way about you and probably never will. I had two kids with my exH. Didn't change the fact that I didn't love him and didn't want to be with him. I left him for a man I had no children with, but loved. Procreation is a function of biology. So what if you had a kid with him? ANYONE he had sex with that is fertile could have had a kid with him. Including the OW. If he had been talking to lots of different women it wouldn't be hurting like this. The fact that he seemed so keen on her when he hasn't showed me attention like that for years. It wasn't just a message here and there he would talk for hours..whilst he had me. He was speaking to her if she wanted children..was he imagining if she was having he's Child. Was he sad it was with me.
ChickiePops Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 If he had been talking to lots of different women it wouldn't be hurting like this. The fact that he seemed so keen on her when he hasn't showed me attention like that for years. It wasn't just a message here and there he would talk for hours..whilst he had me. He was speaking to her if she wanted children..was he imagining if she was having he's Child. Was he sad it was with me. He has shown you time and time again that he has no love or respect for you but you're in such deep denial that you accept the tiniest of breadcrumbs as a sign that he wants to be with you. He has literally said that he's only staying with you for his daughter..he puts up with you because you're her mother. What part of that are you not understanding? Why don't you feel like you deserve a man who wants you and isn't with you purely out of obligation? 2
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 But if he was just putting up with me would me him and kids went away for weekend or went out for tea the other night. He bought a new sofa and TV for the house. Would he do that if he was just putting up with me?
ChickiePops Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 But if he was just putting up with me would me him and kids went away for weekend or went out for tea the other night. He bought a new sofa and TV for the house. Would he do that if he was just putting up with me? Uh..he took you AND THE KIDS away for a weekend..he did it for them, not for you. He bought a new TV and a sofa for a house that HE LIVES IN, meaning he bought them for himself. Why don't you ask him to take you for a romantic getaway just the two of you? Why not ask him for date nights? Do stuff without the kids and see how he acts then. 3
ChickiePops Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I'll ask again..why not confront him about the affair? If he loves you and wants to stay with you, he'll do anything he can to make it up to you. If you really believe that he loves you so much, why are you scared to make waves? 2
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 I'll ask again..why not confront him about the affair? If he loves you and wants to stay with you, he'll do anything he can to make it up to you. If you really believe that he loves you so much, why are you scared to make waves? If I bring it up that will make him start thinking about her again. What is the point in that.
MJJean Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 If he had been talking to lots of different women it wouldn't be hurting like this. The fact that he seemed so keen on her when he hasn't showed me attention like that for years. It wasn't just a message here and there he would talk for hours..whilst he had me. He was speaking to her if she wanted children..was he imagining if she was having he's Child. Was he sad it was with me. Frankly, since you didn't discover this affair until after it was over and it went on for months, you don't know there haven't been other women. He talked to HER for hours because he didn't WANT to talk to YOU. Because he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. He was asking her if she wanted children and talking about children because he was considering a future with her, either in reality or in fantasy. Because he did love her and want to be with her, even though he couldn't due to the children. Yes, he is sad he had a child with you. Of course he would be! Having a child with you cost him his future, his chance to be with someone he loves, to have a real marriage and a happy life with a wife of his own choosing. But if he was just putting up with me would me him and kids went away for weekend or went out for tea the other night. He bought a new sofa and TV for the house. Would he do that if he was just putting up with me? YES! Jeeze. I bought my ex things on a regular basis. If I bought him a TV and a sofa that meant he would be sitting on the sofa, watching TV, and I wouldn't have to deal with him and could go off to talk to or visit my AP's. Sometimes I would take him out for dinner because I wanted to go out for dinner and he was around. It didn't mean anything. Look, we've all been saying the same things and you are simply refusing to get it. The man doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you, and is basically making the best of a shyt situation because he does love his children. You wanted to trap a man into staying with you by having a child. You got what you wanted. You don't get to pretend to be all shocked and surprised a man you trapped into marrying you doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you, and occasionally cheats on you. That was a predictable outcome. The hurt you're feeling is natural consequences for forcing someone to do something they don't want to do and are miserable doing. 1
ChickiePops Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 If I bring it up that will make him start thinking about her again. What is the point in that. If you truly believed that he loves you and wants to be with you, you would not be worried about that. I get why you're in denial, but eventually this will come to a head. His behavior towards you is only going to get worse because you continue to show him how little effort he needs to put in to keep you happy. You deserve more than this. Pull your head out of the sand and confront him. 2
MJJean Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 If I bring it up that will make him start thinking about her again. What is the point in that. As someone who has been where he is, there's a very good chance he thinks about her every day anyways. You don't bring it up because you're afraid that calling attention to your sham marriage will make him leave. Which he'll do all on his own at some point in the future. 1
Lady Hamilton Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 OP, you sound so much like my AP's wife, it's spooky. My AP wasn't happy in his marriage... At all. She knew that and sensed he was working up the courage to leave, so she "accidentally" got pregnant in the hopes it would cement his commitment... Despite the fact he'd said he didn't want kids and she had said he didn't either. But it worked, for a time. But when things started to fall apart again, "whoops," she was pregnant again. He was miserable, but felt completely trapped... And as she told him when she got that second positive pregnancy test "Now there's nowhere else for you to go, so you might as well stay here." And when we started, we started as friends, advanced to emotional affair, then fell in love, then the physical affair. And he also said at first he could never leave, until we got to the point where we were in love, and then he wanted out. When his wife found out, he said how he felt and at first, she didn't believe him. Then, as she came to understand that how he was feeling was genuine and he really, really wasn't happy... She completely fell apart and locked down exactly as you are doing. She said she didn't care he didn't love her, as long as he stayed. Over time, maybe he'd feel differently. She loved him, so if he loved her didn't matter. The feelings he had for me were fake, they'd pass, it was (insert affair jargon here), etc etc. Then she didn't care how he felt or what he did or spent his time, as long as at the end of the day he came home to her, slept in her bed, and carried on the public appearance of a marriage for the benefit of friends, family, and the kids. Then she used the kids as leverage... If he left, he couldn't be with them as much. It would ruin her life. It'd ruin the kids lives. And every time he said he'd stay, but he didn't love her and it was only about the kids, she counted it as a victory. He must not really not love her because he said he'd stay. Nevermind that he was clearly miserable and the shell of a human being, he wanted to stay for the kids which means in some strange way, he picked her. As time marched on, his lack of love grew to contempt which grew to hatred. And even when he left her, but then went back for the kids, that hatred of her didn't go anywhere... It just got worse. But like a lightswitch flicked, as long as he was there, she didn't care he was angry, didn't love her, hated her... The fact he stayed meant there was hope that eventually he'd feel different. But he didn't feel different. Eventually, after some back-and-forth, he did leave and stay gone. We've now been together for twice as long as they were. The kids are happy, healthy, well-adjusted, and he sees them pretty much every day, despite the threats that "he'd never see them again." She had no right to make the threat and, when it went to court and asked for shared custody with 50/50 time, all he had to do was show that she said that and the judge ruled in his favor. The fact that you won't confront your boyfriend because you'd rather he cheated and stay than risk confronting him and having him leave shows that you know how tenuous his attachments are to you. The comments that you felt a baby would strengthen his bond to you and keep him around, they show you're coming from a place of "keep him at all costs" without weighing out if he wants to stay. And his behavior shows he's not invested at all into the relationship. You need to have a sit down and figure out what the deal is. He's telling you he's not into your relationship, he told his AP he's not into his relationship, I'm wondering why that doesn't seem to calculate into his not being into a relationship with you. So his body is physically under the same roof as yours. Who cares? He had an intense affair, he tells you that he's not happy, and emotionally he's long gone. But by saying he left her to stay with the kids (not you) so that must mean something is the same as if you went to a funeral parlor, saw the body, and decided that because you see the body, the person isn't really dead. From here, there's nothing but downhill skiing. You can either confront him and work out either reconciling as a team or parting as a team, or you can pretend it didn't happen, figure that because he's technically with you he's still in love with you, "accidentally" get pregnant a few more times, have the same problems pop up repeatedly, then have the discussion in a few years... After you've wasted years of your life, his life, your kids life, his anger and bitterness has grown, and the kids have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. 2
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 He's changed so much as a person lately too. He doesn't care what he looks like anymore. He used to take pride in he's appearance,not now. He has put so much weight on,can't be bothered to shave. He used to be so attractive. I still find him attractive but he has changed.
ChickiePops Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 He's changed so much as a person lately too. He doesn't care what he looks like anymore. He used to take pride in he's appearance,not now. He has put so much weight on,can't be bothered to shave. He used to be so attractive. I still find him attractive but he has changed. What do you make of this? Why do you think he doesn't care about his appearance?
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 What do you make of this? Why do you think he doesn't care about his appearance? Feels like he doesn't have to impress me now I guess.
ChickiePops Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Feels like he doesn't have to impress me now I guess. Am I right to assume that this began around the time when his affair ended? Can you tell us what it is exactly that he says and does that makes you believe he is happy with you and wants to be with you?
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Am I right to assume that this began around the time when his affair ended? Can you tell us what it is exactly that he says and does that makes you believe he is happy with you and wants to be with you? He has said that we are he's future and our daughter is he's world. He has changed appearance wise,I just think he thinks other things are more important.
Recommended Posts