He has had a affair, is it over?

[Whatdoido225]

Hi ..first time posting in this forum thought I might get more advice here.

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for over 5 years and have a daughter and I have a older daughter who he treats as he's own.

I found out he had a emotional affair and sexual.

He basically chased a woman for over a year.

From the messages I read he loved her and if it wasn't for the kids he would of been gone.

The messages he read he was telling her how special she was and he couldn't stop thinking of her.

He ended things with her and told her he couldn't leave he's daughter.

Our child wasn't planned and before that he wouldn't commit.

I thought having a baby would make him commit(which he has now).

He told her he had to make it work.

Around the same time he ended it with her he was a mess.

He was saying horrible things to me and he was so miserable.

He wasn't making sense and turning to alcohol a lot.

He was here but he wasn't.

I honestly think if it wasn't for our baby he would of left me,

Why has he done this?

I'm scared he loves her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you think he is happy with me?

Or living a lie?

Honestly?

 

No. It's obvious he's not happy, OP.

 

That's why he was able to cheat.

[Whatdoido225]

I just hope it was physical and feelings weren't involved.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just hope it was physical and feelings weren't involved.

 

Girl, you're in deep denial. Of course there were feelings involved. Why do you think he kept it up so long?

 

If you don't talk to him about this and your relationship, it's going to happen again.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I hesitate to say that your post is quite telling in itself, and without judgement

dear girl, you do openly say that you have had a baby with this chap with the intention of getting him to commit to you.

 

That's never a great idea, having a baby in the hope that it will cement a relationship. It never works.

 

That having been said, he is telling this other girl what he thinks she wants to hear while making no firm commitment to her either because he's still at home with you and the children.

 

Take a big breath darling, and be brave enough to tell him he is free to leave to be with her if that's what he wants. I bet he stays, but even if he did decide to leave, that only proves he's not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, and it will release you from this awful anxiety.

 

Good luck.

 

Cuckoo

[Zahara]

I just hope it was physical and feelings weren't involved.

 

You're in serious denial. Yes, it was an emotional affair. Read what you wrote. He only left her because he didn't want to lose his girls.

 

- He had spent months and months having a emotional affair.

- He would constantly message her.

- He couldn't stop thinking of her, this went on for months

- He was asking her what this was, was she in love.

- He wished it wasn't complicated and she was perfect for him.

- He then text her saying how he wished he could of lay in her arms forever

 

You keep saying you hope this and you hope that -- the facts have been laid out. He has more than once in some form shown you that he was never committed, but only for the sake of the girls he's managed to stay put.

 

Whether physical or emotional, I can bet my bottom dollar, this won't be his last affair. The likelihood is high.

[burnt]

Question:

Why has he done this?

 

Answer:

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for over 5 years

He ended things with her and told her he couldn't leave he's daughter.

Our child wasn't planned and before that he wouldn't commit.

I thought having a baby would make him commit(which he has now).

I honestly think if it wasn't for our baby he would of left me,

 

You answered your own question, I'm sorry to say.

 

You cannot make someone love you by forcing him or coercing him. He was clear in his behavior from your description. He only wanted to stay with you for physical needs, but not love you enough to build a life with you. He is now feeling obligated to stay with you against his wishes for the sake of his child.

 

Chances are he feels trapped and feels forced to leave the woman he actually may have loved to stay with you because of the child.

 

I am sorry that I'm sounding so harsh, but you see, LOVE is not a commodity you can trade or bargain. It's free. It's clear that he loves his child but doesn't sound like he is IN LOVE WITH YOU.

 

As sad and unkind as it may sound, I would suggest that

you try to have a very honest and open conversation with him about what's in the best interest of you, of him, and of the child. If he really isn't in love with you, then he can still be in the child's life, but he shouldn't feel forced to stay with you. You and he can still provide a very healthy parenting to the child separately. But if the two of you continue to remain together without authentic love, things will likely get uglier.

 

I'm sorry for what you are feeling. Clearly you love him and it really does hurt when the person you love doesn't love you back.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I wish you the best.

[Redhead14]

The past few months have been good.

We have argued a little that's all.

Do you think him ending this with her means he is in love with me?

And realised he was being a fool?

 

 

Do you think him ending this with her means he is in love with me?

And realised he was being a fool? -- No, I think things ran it's course with her and/or he's decided to man up for the sake of the child and live in the trap that he's now caught in.

 

And, if you want to know the real answer to your question, you need to ask him . . . but I suspect you won't like the answer.

[Lady2163]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Really, I am.

 

However, there's some very telling things in your post. As much as I hate to kick someone when they're down, you've made some mistakes.

 

I'm guessing you are young. Probably under 25. This forum, the ow/om forum is littered with people saying how the WS doesn't love their spouse or is only there for the kids. They would leave if it wasn't for the children. Many will come on here and say they are just feeding a line of bull to the Other. Your post reiterates how often that is the truth.

 

You've been off and on with him for five years. There's a reason why you've had off times, yet you chose to ignore that. He was unwilling to commit and when an unplanned pregnancy happened you hoped it would be the catalyst to commit. Warning. That's a bad sign. In a healthy relationship he would have been willing to commit within the first year or two. And he would have been willing to commit without the anchor of a child. The circumstances have him trapped.

 

I have no doubt he loves the children. But I'm not convinced from your brief post that he loves you.

 

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life - or even the best years of your life worried that he loves someone else or that he will cheat again? Why do you want to be with someone who treats you so poorly?

 

Both of you should be loved. Both of you should feel secure. I don't think you're ever going to have that with him.

[anika99]

Is the other woman the same woman he was seeing when you two were broken up? And the last contact he had with her was 7 months ago which was just a couple of months after you two got back together?

 

I'm going to come at this from a different angle than everyone else. The OW was shiny and new, they were in the honeymoon phase and so of course he had passion and warm fuzzies where she was concerned. It doesn't mean she was his one true love or that he doesn't love you. Of course he told her that he had to go back to you for the sake of the children. He didn't want to look like a jerk so by saying it was all about the kids he was able to end the affair while still looking like a wonderful man in her eyes.

 

Have you talked to him about what he wrote to the OW? I think it's crucial that you communicate openly with him and find out what he really wants. I think the two of you need to go to counselling and get really honest with each other so the two of you can decide if there really is a future together.

 

You have to be willing to let him go if that's what he really wants. Don't use your kids as a way to hold onto him. If you say things to him like he won't see his kids if he leaves or he's a bad father for leaving he might stay but he will feel trapped and full of resentment which will certainly kill any warm feelings he has for you and create an unhappy home for the kids. Instead let him know that you don't need man who doesn't love you and that you would rather him leave and co-parent with you rather than waste years of your life on a loveless relationship. Once he feels free to make his own decision without a noose around his neck he may very well decide that he does love you and want to be with you.

[Whatdoido225]

Is the other woman the same woman he was seeing when you two were broken up? And the last contact he had with her was 7 months ago which was just a couple of months after you two got back together?

 

I'm going to come at this from a different angle than everyone else. The OW was shiny and new, they were in the honeymoon phase and so of course he had passion and warm fuzzies where she was concerned. It doesn't mean she was his one true love or that he doesn't love you. Of course he told her that he had to go back to you for the sake of the children. He didn't want to look like a jerk so by saying it was all about the kids he was able to end the affair while still looking like a wonderful man in her eyes.

 

Have you talked to him about what he wrote to the OW? I think it's crucial that you communicate openly with him and find out what he really wants. I think the two of you need to go to counselling and get really honest with each other so the two of you can decide if there really is a future together.

 

You have to be willing to let him go if that's what he really wants. Don't use your kids as a way to hold onto him. If you say things to him like he won't see his kids if he leaves or he's a bad father for leaving he might stay but he will feel trapped and full of resentment which will certainly kill any warm feelings he has for you and create an unhappy home for the kids. Instead let him know that you don't need man who doesn't love you and that you would rather him leave and co-parent with you rather than waste years of your life on a loveless relationship. Once he feels free to make his own decision without a noose around his neck he may very well decide that he does love you and want to be with you.

 

No this was a different woman.

The last contact with her was 7 months ago yes when he told her that he's life was with he's children.

At the same time looking back he was being quite nasty to me.

Now I'm wondering is it because he ended it with her.

At new year we were arguing and he mentioned a name and then when sober said it was just a girl he worked with.

It's so confusing.

He has told me he hates me in the past and I'm fat etc.

[Whatdoido225]

Like I said previously the only thing keeping me going is the fact he ended it.

She wasn't as important as me and he realised he had done wrong.

[Zahara]

Like I said previously the only thing keeping me going is the fact he ended it.

She wasn't as important as me and he realised he had done wrong.

 

It was never about you. His daughters are important to him. That's about it.

 

OP, your self worth is in the tank. It's sad to see you grasp for little bits because you're so dependent on this man to fulfill you, and he gives you little to nothing.

 

He ended it because of his girls, it wasn't because of you. If the girls were not in the picture, he wouldn't be with you.

 

I wish you could see the reality of your situation rather than blind yourself because you can't face your truth.

[Whatdoido225]

No she was the first affair.

Before our daughter he left and told me he didn't love me anymore got with the new woman then she ended it so we got back together then I was pregnant soon after

[Mr. Lucky]

He has told me he hates me in the past and I'm fat etc.

 

Whatdoido225 , you have two choices. Either accept that his emotional abuse and cheating are the price of a continued relationship with him OR seek a healthier place in life.

 

Between the name calling and infidelity, you've described his mistreatment of you in detail. And yet, you've also said you won't end the relationship. Having made your choice, any further hurt - and I'd guess there's more to come - is on you, not him. If you're not willing to stand up for yourself, no right to complain...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ChickiePops]

I don't think there is a way to say this gently..

 

He came back to you after the woman he was dating dumped him..you were a rebound and you were safe. You desperately need to pull your head out of the sand and dump this guy. He's told you multiple times that he doesn't love you and you deserve someone who does.

 

Are you planning to confront him?

[elaine567]

I am sorry but this man may have loved you when you first got together, but nothing that has happened since he first broke up with you signifies he cares much for you since.

He jumped into another relationship after that break up, and when SHE ended it he came back to you - that I guess was in desperation as he had no-one else at the time as opposed to "love".

Instead of that second chance fizzling out as it should have, (he never wanted commitment with you), he finds you are pregnant and so he is trapped like a rat in a cage.

 

He fights, he is angry, he is miserable, he calls you names, he drinks, he has an affair, but he stays for his child.

Don't you think you deserve better than this?

Don't you think your children deserve better than this?

They may be young but will have already picked up how he treats you and how sad you now are.

[Whatdoido225]

Even when we had separated he would still text to see how I was and then when he wanted to get back together I was so happy.

He bought me a lovely watch and I was so happy.

If I hadn't of found the SIM card I wouldn't of known about this woman.

The last two months haven't been too bad we took the kids away for the weekend it was good.

He hasn't stayed at his parents/brother for a month now.

I guess I have to just see what happens and hope whatever he had for this woman is long gone.

He doesn't go out to meet anyone else anyway

[Whatdoido225]

I couldn't confront him,it would ruin our family and he wouldn't leave anyway as he wouldn't go a day without seeing our girl

[sandylee1]

Why would you be with a man who says he hates you? Is this what you'd want for your daughters? A man who cheats on them like this.

 

Don't you believe you deserve better than that? Is he the only BF you've had?

 

Now I do think if he loved that woman enough he would have left you. He has rights to see his daughter through shared custody. He also didn't have to move in with you when you fell pregnant either. The choice was his to make. He wouldn't be the first or the last to get someone pregnant and only have a parenting relationship.

 

I'm sorry to say it's clear he is a rather weak man. Which a lot of MM or male cheaters are. He knew he didn't love you, but he moved in when you 'told him too'. He got scared during the affair and had to end it because of the girls.

 

You guys aren't even married and him leaving would not be quite as difficult. No spousal support or splitting of marital assets or lifetime pension payout.

 

Look at all the men and women who leave marriages all the time. It's not that those who leave don't care for or love their kids, it's more about their strength and integrity to leave before cheating.

 

Have you ever told him he wouldn't be able to see the kids if you split up?

 

My advice to you would be to talk to him rather than keeping it to yourself.... and with the knowledge that he doesn't love you, keep yourself active socially, physically and don't isolate yourself. Take up a hobby to have an interest and to be your own person.

 

That way when he does leave, you will have friends and a social life , as he won't be your alpha and omega.

 

Don't make yourself so available to him. You say he's a good dad ... fine..... leave the kids with him and get yourself out of the house, dress up, make yourself up and look good for yourself. You need to appear and be a woman who has options.

[Lady Hamilton]

Like I said previously the only thing keeping me going is the fact he ended it.

She wasn't as important as me and he realised he had done wrong.

 

No, he made clear that she was lightyears more important than you. Repeatedly.

 

She just wasn't as important as his daughter and yours. He left her for them, not you.

 

However, there will be a day where that changes.

 

Either he's miserable enough with you or he educates himself on his rights should you split and he realizes, they are considerable (as long as he's employed, active, and clean). That he can still see them almost daily, if not daily, or maybe even have full custody of at least one child.

 

There will be a day where he realizes he's not losing as much as he is worried he is, or when that loss is an acceptable loss to be happy.

 

Because clearly, right now, he's not happy. He just isn't. And living for the kids isn't enough. Eventually they leave, eventually they're at school most days, eventually, all that's left is the relationship he has with you... And he's made clear it's not a relationship he's invested in. It's not like he ended the relationship and focused on fixing things with you. He ended the relationship and focused on ways to numb himself. That's not healthy.

 

Staying for the kids is awful. But what's worse is accepting he doesn't love you and is staying for the kids as a compliment because you'd rather have him there as an emotional zombie than be alone. You know who deserves better in that situation? Not you, not him... But the kids. The kids deserve to be more than the tenuous glue that holds a toxic relationship together.

 

I'd talk to him, find out what's going on. Then I'd prepare for what he says, up to and including how communication hasn't really ceased. Then I'd sit back and make some very adult decisions on what to do next.

[Whatdoido225]

Why would you be with a man who says he hates you? Is this what you'd want for your daughters? A man who cheats on them like this.

 

Don't you believe you deserve better than that? Is he the only BF you've had?

 

Now I do think if he loved that woman enough he would have left you. He has rights to see his daughter through shared custody. He also didn't have to move in with you when you fell pregnant either. The choice was his to make. He wouldn't be the first or the last to get someone pregnant and only have a parenting relationship.

 

I'm sorry to say it's clear he is a rather weak man. Which a lot of MM or male cheaters are. He knew he didn't love you, but he moved in when you 'told him too'. He got scared during the affair and had to end it because of the girls.

 

You guys aren't even married and him leaving would not be quite as difficult. No spousal support or splitting of marital assets or lifetime pension payout.

 

Look at all the men and women who leave marriages all the time. It's not that those who leave don't care for or love their kids, it's more about their strength and integrity to leave before cheating.

 

Have you ever told him he wouldn't be able to see the kids if you split up?

 

My advice to you would be to talk to him rather than keeping it to yourself.... and with the knowledge that he doesn't love you, keep yourself active socially, physically and don't isolate yourself. Take up a hobby to have an interest and to be your own person.

 

That way when he does leave, you will have friends and a social life , as he won't be your alpha and omega.

 

Don't make yourself so available to him. You say he's a good dad ... fine..... leave the kids with him and get yourself out of the house, dress up, make yourself up and look good for yourself. You need to appear and be a woman who has options.

 

It's never been a discussion about what would happen if we split but he knows he would hardly see them if we split.

I don't think any woman would let her partner leave her then give him what he wants.

It would be difficult and he knows it and he knows the shame he would face especially do my family walking away and abandoning his kids.

That's why I know he wouldn't leave.

[Whatdoido225]

We don't know it what he was even saying to this woman was true.

That could of been boredom.

He also organised our weekend away with the kids.

I don't think he would be doing that if he didn't care

[ShatteredLady]

Please, please take this advise...

 

"Don't make yourself so available to him. You say he's a good dad ... fine..... leave the kids with him and get yourself out of the house, dress up, make yourself up and look good for yourself. You need to appear and be a woman who has options."

 

....he isn't a safe partner & you don't want to feel isolated & desperately tied to him no matter how he treats you. A little jealousy might help too.

 

It's clear that you're not going to dump this guy. You're not going to even challenge him. Make the best of this terrible deal that you're accepting. Make sure that you have a life & a support system if this does happen again or he does leave.

 

I'm so sorry but this doesn't sound like it's going to be a happily ever after situation.

[elaine567]

We don't know it what he was even saying to this woman was true.

That could of been boredom.

He also organised our weekend away with the kids.

I don't think he would be doing that if he didn't care

 

You found one SIM, there may be another. Does he keep his phone very close to him at all times? Is he secretive with it?

The SIM card you found hidden in a drawer may mean he has two phones, many cheaters do.

When during an argument he leaves to go to his brother or father for the night, do you actually know he is there? Have you followed him there or do you just take his word for it?

A trick of people who cheat is to deliberately cause an argument, stomp out annoyed and then go and meet the OW.