Whatdoido225 Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 My boyfriend and I have had a rocky time. Been together 7 years but split for a year in between. He ended it and started seeing someone else for 9 months then we got back together. Within 3 months I accidentally got pregnant. Up until this point he wouldn't commit but I told him now baby was arriving he would have to move in and become a family. I have a daughter from previous relationship. Fast forward and our daughter arrives and we set up house. He is always miserable and drinking and just not really there. Anyway it's been rocky since,arguments here and there ending with him staying with he's dad occasionally. He is a great dad and calls my other daughter he's daughter. Then last night I found a SIM card in the draws. He had spent months and months having a emotional affair. Couldn't believe what I was reading. He would constantly message her. I seen messages saying he couldn't stop thinking of her,this went on for months He was asking her what this was,was she in love. Messages saying he wished it wasn't complicated and she was perfect for him. Then he was saying that he couldn't leave he's daughter,he then text her saying how he wished he could of lay in her arms forever. More texts read he had too much to loose,he couldn't leave he's daughter and it was over. That was the last text 7 months ago. Looking back at that time he was drinking loads and now I'm thinking was he drowning he's sorrows because he was stuck with me. I'm questioning if he even loves me. Did he love her? The girls name he mentioned when drunk a while ago the. When I asked he said she was a girl from work.
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 From what I gather they had sex then he was worried I would find out. Wether it was because he loved me or just worried about our baby I don't know
kidm Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Well from the little you typed, it sounds like he was never really into you and didn't want to commit and you knew it all along but with the arrival of your child, there was some leverage to get him to "take it to the next level" and you used it. However his heart has never been in it. He probably thinks if he leaves you, he won't get to see his child or you will make his life miserable or he is staying out of obligation to his child. Do you really want to be with a guy who genuinely isn't into you? Does it really matter why he was worried you would find out? His actions coupled with the fact that he never really wanted to commit after all those years tell you his heart is not in it. It's up to you what you want to do next. 6
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 The first there years of our relationship were great we were happy and then the spark kind of died I think for him. After we got back together I was worried he would end things with me again then I got pregnant and I knew at last we could become a family and we have. He loves the kids,my eldest like he's own and actually worships our daughter. He feeds,gets up during the night,changes her baths her. He is perfect. Then I find the sim and I see him saying all this to another woman. I'm devastated but it helps that he ended it. I'm clinging on that he said he's life was with us. I can't help but worry that when she's older will he still be here. I don't know whether to let it lie or tell him I know.
Zahara Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 If you can live with the fact that he is not in love with you but is only with you because of his daughters, then there is no reason to bring up the affair. Bringing it up won't change how he feels about the relationship and the fact that you are choosing to stay. Chances are he'll do it again. 4
stillafool Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Up until this point he wouldn't commit but I told him now baby was arriving he would have to move in and become a family. This is the problem right here. You got pregnant just to get him but still he is not yours. He is there for his child but his heart is with the other woman. Is it worth holding on to him when he is in love with someone else?
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 So you got pregnant so he would stay? No not at all I had a upset stomach which stopped the pill from working I think
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 The past few months have been good. We have argued a little that's all. Do you think him ending this with her means he is in love with me? And realised he was being a fool?
Zahara Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 The past few months have been good. We have argued a little that's all. Do you think him ending this with her means he is in love with me? And realised he was being a fool? I think "good" doesn't mean that he's emotionally invested in you but more so going through the motions in order to keep his relationship with you stable therefore be able to be a family with his girls. Him ending it with her is because he didn't want to jeopardize his daughters because he was afraid that being caught in an affair would damage his tie to his girls. 1
kidm Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 The past few months have been good. We have argued a little that's all. Do you think him ending this with her means he is in love with me? And realised he was being a fool? No. He explained to the woman that he had too much to lose - his daughter. It had nothing to with you. Nowhere did he say it was because he loved you because he is not in love with you. Also he may have ended it but you will always have to be worried about the next women who has his heart. The first three years may have been good but it ended. He never wanted to commit. That speaks volumes. 3
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 Its broke my heart that for a time he had feelings for another women. I guess I just have to get on With things. He chose us and I'm going to have to try and put it to the back of my mind. It kills me wondering if he still cares about her. I really hope he doesnt.
juniorrocha Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 In all honesty? I think you should have a very serious talk with this guy, so you can see what's best for both of you. He's not perfect. He's showed you some bad sides of him (which includes cheating) and you're now hurt and worried, obviously. You wouldn't want to find out in a few weeks/months another affair. Follow your heart, if you think you should stay. But if you're not happy, then you either try to fix what is making you unhappy or break up so you can find someone who suits you better. 1
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 I'm not unhappy tho. I love him,I just don't know if he does me anymore after what I've found out. I'm just worried it's kids making him stay.
Zahara Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 I'm not unhappy tho. I love him,I just don't know if he does me anymore after what I've found out. I'm just worried it's kids making him stay. I think he's shown you more than once that his investment in you is shallow and that his only drive has been his girls. If that is enough for you then that's up to you but know you deserve better. 2
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 In all honesty I would rather have him here than not and I know for a fact out daughter means he will always be here for us. He wouldn't end it with me now. Hopefully he won't do anything silly again.
Zahara Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Hopefully he won't do anything silly again. Then hope is all you can do at this point. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Then there's not much you can do, OP. He's shown you he isn't committed to you. This means the likelihood of him having another affair is very high. You know the facts now. If you're fine with ignoring his behaviour and clinging on to what is essentially a dead relationship...then proceed. There's not much advice we can give you if your mind is already made up to stay.
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Can't seem to sleep for things going around in my head. Did she mean anything to him,why did he continue to pursue her,he had me so why did he care if she loved him. Does he miss her,wishes he was with her. What has she got that I haven't. If he doesn't or didn't love me why didn't he just end it rather than cheat.
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 He wouldn't end it with me now. Why not? His bond is with his child, it is perfectly possible to co-parent, he doesn't need to stay with you. You say you have a lot of fights and he drinks, you have no idea what he really thinks. Hopefully he won't do anything silly again. All you can do is hope, but when you have a man who probably feels he was trapped into being in a committed relationship with you, anything is possible. He ended that affair, maybe it wasn't that good anyway, but the next one... who knows? You have to get your ducks in a row, who owns the house? If it is rented, whose name is on the lease? Do you work? If you are going to stay and basically ignore this affair, realize you have had a warning here. Just make sure going forward, if he left tomorrow, you could provide for yourself and your kids. Does the other father support his child? 2
elaine567 Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 This is interesting concerning infidelity and why they do it. The Infidelity Megafecta 1
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Why not? His bond is with his child, it is perfectly possible to co-parent, he doesn't need to stay with you. You say you have a lot of fights and he drinks, you have no idea what he really thinks. All you can do is hope, but when you have a man who probably feels he was trapped into being in a committed relationship with you, anything is possible. He ended that affair, maybe it wasn't that good anyway, but the next one... who knows? You have to get your ducks in a row, who owns the house? If it is rented, whose name is on the lease? Do you work? If you are going to stay and basically ignore this affair, realize you have had a warning here. Just make sure going forward, if he left tomorrow, you could provide for yourself and your kids. Does the other father support his child? My eldest daughters dad died when she was young. I just feel stupid when I read messages telling her he has to end it for the sake of our child but not for my sake. It breaks my heart to think if it wasn't for her he would of left. Saying that we probably wouldn't even be together now. I honestly thought the baby would make him change he's ways. I know he won't leave because she's he's world,I'm 100% sure,when she gets older who knows. He was emotionally infested in this woman for a while it makes me mad. Why text a randoms woman at Christmas. New year,was he that bored with me.
Clarkwg Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I think you should communicate with him, talk to him about the affair & the issues & reasons surrounding it. It seems you are in for a life of paranoia with him as you can not trust him now, if you don't talk to him it could eat away at you.
Author Whatdoido225 Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Do you think he is happy with me? Or living a lie? Honestly?
Clarkwg Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 Do you think he is happy with me? Or living a lie? Honestly? I can't speak for him but I know if I was in a loving relationship then the last thing I would be doing is being involved with anyone else in any way shape or form.
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