He told me to "be a constant" but lashed out at me days later

July 10, 2016

A few months ago this guy and I started talking and hanging out. We went on a date, and he invited me over to his house several times. On the last night we hung out that month, he kissed me for the first time and it led to more. A few days later, however, he started becoming distant and ignoring me. When I finally asked him about it in person, he told me he just didn't want a relationship right then, and didn't want to have to message/hang out all the time (even though he seemed just fine with doing those things before). I had a hard time believing it wasn't personal. Anyways, I really like him, so I asked him if we could just take things slow. He said he would think about it, and to give him 3 weeks to do so. He said he would call me.

After nearly 5 weeks, he sent me a message on Facebook saying that he hadn't forgotten about me, and was just busy with things going on with work and his family. That conversation didn't last long, and he ignored me for another 3 weeks, despite him saying we should keep in touch more. I told him I was there if he wanted someone to talk to, and was also still interested in what we'd talked about before, that I'd like a real chance with him. So then 3 weeks later when he did respond again, he told me not to "worry" about chances. He told me I'd always have a chance and he likes me, he just doesn't know what he wants right now. He said we could still hang out though, so the next day he invited me to his house.

When I arrived at his house, he opened up to me and told me how his father has been emotionally abusive for most of his childhood, towards his mother and the rest of the family. Because the problem is starting to worsen, his mom keeps calling him (as of recent) to talk about it with him and it's stressing him out. He also said how he was really stressed out at work, and he started to cry in my arms. He ended it by saying that this was why he couldn't have a relationship right now, but that he does like me, and was surprised that anyone would have even stuck around for him. He told me there'd be weeks when he just couldn't talk/do anything, so he's not able to commit. At this time, he also told me to "be a constant," and to "not run off." We cuddled on his couch for hours, and it eventually led to sex. This was our first time together. After the sex, he said something more about the "being a constant" thing, and I told him I wanted him to be a constant too. He told me he was going to "be as constant" as he could be. He also told me he wanted me to come over the next day, and he messaged me good morning the next morning.

We messaged all day over Facebook, but then he said he was sick and would have to reschedule our plans to hang out. The next day (a Wednesday) he said we would hang out Friday. We kept messaging throughout the week, but when Friday rolled around he seemed a little distant. I had been teasing him the night before (in a way to flirt with him), but on Friday morning I saw he'd been on Facebook a few times but hadn't messaged me back. I worried that maybe he took it the wrong way so I told him I was just teasing, and he told me he'd just forgotten to press 'Send'. We messaged all day after that, but then I had to ask him if our plans were still on. He said he was doing stuff with his dad, but that he'd still like for me to come over later. At 9:00 p.m., he told me he was ready. I went to his house, and we cuddled again and had sex for the second time.

After the sex, I accidentally fell asleep in his bed. He woke me up as it was getting late, and told me he had to be up early in the morning. (He is 6 years older than me, and my parents are pretty conservative, so they don't like me spending the night at a guy's house.) But he also suggested that I come to his house on Sunday (which was in two days). I said that would be nice. He said he'd message me in the morning.

Anyway, when I got back he'd messaged me goodnight. I told him I was sorry for falling asleep, and I told him to have a goodnight. The next day, I could feel him being distant. He didn't talk to me until 11:00 in the morning, which was unusual, and then he didn't respond again until almost 9:00 at night. I didn't push him to talk or anything that day. But on Sunday, when we were supposed to see each other again, he'd never replied to my message from the night before. We'd been communicating on Facebook, and it was afternoon, so I decided to text him asking him about later. He replied by saying that "We'd see" about later. He said he was sick again. I told him to just let me know if he feels better and wants to hang out. He never responded the rest of the day. At the end of the day, I was feeling sad. I messaged him and asked if he could just tell me if he still felt the same way about me as he did earlier. He didn't respond, even though I saw him on Facebook. The next morning, I sent him a good morning text and told him I hoped he had a great day at work...

A half hour later I got a super-long Facebook message saying how I always seem to forget he doesn't want a relationship right now. He would say how he didn't want to constantly have to respond to someone. He said he just wanted to be left alone, wants to be able to come and go as he pleases. He said he doesn't want to have to explain why he doesn't respond and that my constant need of approval is too much. He said he doesn't like it when I text him (even though he's the one who'd suggested we exchange numbers), because he doesn't like instant contact or people thinking they've reached him. He said he's in his own world right now, and doesn't want to have to "report" to anyone...

So I feel really bad, and I apologized to him realizing I was a bit needy. I told him I was still there for him if he wanted me, but he never opened my Facebook message and since has not even gotten on very often. I feel selfish in a way, for questioning him. I'm also confused, however. He was the one who started up the hourly messages again. He was the one who'd initiated plans. He was the one who told me he wanted me to "be a constant," and I was sad when he was being distant afte sex. I know he told me he didn't want a relationship right now, but I feel like it's just nice to tell someone when you need some alone time or when you want to cancel plans, instead of just leaving me hanging and wondering if I did something wrong. I feel now as though I've ruined my chances with him, but I also wonder if he might have depression (because of how he isolated himself), or a fear of intimacy/commitment (because of how his dad is). People have told me to move on, and that he is a jerk, but to me he is different from other guys, and I believe I've fallen in love with him. I don't know what to think, if he'll ever come around or if I've ruined it. I also know he hasn't been on a date with anyone else in almost 2 years, so that's something else to consider. Anyways, if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it and thanks for reading such a long post.

July 10, 2016

I feel now as though I've ruined my chances with him.

No, Askls, it sounds like you never had any real chances -- for a mature relationship with him -- to begin with.

His father has been emotionally abusive for most of his childhood, towards his mother and the rest of the family.... and he started to cry in my arms.

I agree that the behaviors you describe are warning signs his emotional development may have been seriously damaged in early childhood by his abusive father. If so, you are WAY out of your league in trying to deal with him because his behaviors are red flags for having strong traits of a personality disorder (PD) -- or a clinical disorder (e.g., PTSD, bipolar, depression, or anxiety).

I therefore suggest you take a look at the traits for Schizoid PD -- particularly, the section describing "The Secret Schizoid" -- to see if most traits sound very familiar. Yet, if your relationship eventually becomes more serious, I would strongly recommend you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you likely are dealing with.

July 10, 2016

Yes I have a suggestion: Leave him alone.

Why do you wait and chase down a man that was clear about not wanting a relationship? Why do you chase down a man that only wants to see you on his terms?

When he said he wanted you to be a constant he did not mean a constant as a regular, he meant he wanted you to be there when HE feels like it and for the rest you keep quiet and not bother him.

There is nothing good for you in this man. He sounds like an emotional wreck and nothing more.

Please hon, drop that, have some pride and stop chasing a man that tells you loud and clear to leave him alone.

July 10, 2016

This ->>>> 2 Tests to Determine if He?s Worthy Of Being Your Boyfriend - which I read today having been posted by pooldog on another thread,

Test 1: Is this fun? Is this easy? Do I enjoy the relationship? Am I happy?

Test 2: Is he making an effort?

I guess this guy fails both miserably

July 10, 2016

This ->>>> 2 Tests to Determine if He?s Worthy Of Being Your Boyfriend - which I read today having been posted by pooldog on another thread,

Test 1: Is this fun? Is this easy? Do I enjoy the relationship? Am I happy?
Test 2: Is he making an effort?

I guess this guy fails both miserably

This is gold. Fun and easy are so important and actually pretty evident early on.

July 10, 2016

This ->>>> 2 Tests to Determine if He?s Worthy Of Being Your Boyfriend - which I read today having been posted by pooldog on another thread,

Test 1: Is this fun? Is this easy? Do I enjoy the relationship? Am I happy?
Test 2: Is he making an effort?

I guess this guy fails both miserably

The part that hit me the most in the article is when he asked: What are you going to miss if you cut him out of your life.

In the case here, nothing.

July 10, 2016

You didn't ruin any chances with him because you had none to begin with. Yes, there could be a number of emotional and mental issues going on with him but that does not change the fact that he is emotionally unavailable when it comes to you.

I don't think you are in love with him. The sex/bonding, your ego/rejection and wanting what you cannot have is driving you to cling to him. You don't even know the man well enough to place him on such a pedestal. He is "different" from other guys -- what kind of guys are you meeting that this is the best you think you can get/deserve?

Let him go. Move on.

July 10, 2016

OP, I think your friends are right. This guy is not relationship material. Move on and find someone who will treat you better, who will communicate. Not someone who will call you over for sex when he wants it, and snap at you when you ask a legitimate question. He's acting at the height of rudeness and he's undeserving of you.

July 10, 2016

OP, you are being used.

As someone else pointed out, you didn't ruin your chances because he wasn't interested in a relationship with you to begin with.

July 11, 2016

It doesn't mean he's a "bad guy" to say he isn't relationship material.

But I will say this: a guy who blows hot/cold and asks you to "wait for him" has no consideration for you or your time.

He needs to deal with his own baggage before getting someone involved in his mess. And you need to stop trying to play airline and carting around his baggage.

He's not the real deal. The only difference is that he's gold you so. And really he sounds like an ass. He makes a bid for affection sound like a demand. If a guy complains that attention from you sounds "like a drag" for some reason or places "too many demands" on him, you are very likely to end up in an abusive situation, trying to figure out the combination to make him happy.

July 11, 2016

This ->>>> 2 Tests to Determine if He?s Worthy Of Being Your Boyfriend - which I read today having been posted by pooldog on another thread,

Test 1: Is this fun? Is this easy? Do I enjoy the relationship? Am I happy?
Test 2: Is he making an effort?

This is a very good test for both sexes actually. Relationship should be fun, and shouldn't be "that much" work.

I think I we could all remember these two simple questions. Especially in the early going.

July 13, 2016

Something else that he told me when he started talking to me again, the last time, was that us hanging out might one day help him figure out what he wants.

July 13, 2016

Something else that he told me when he started talking to me again, the last time, was that us hanging out might one day help him figure out what he wants.

Boy, this guy is quite the "spin doctor". It's just another way of getting you to hang with him for sex. Make you think that you are his "savior" AKA -- glorified doormat.

July 15, 2016

I appreciate the thoughts you all are posting.

Edited July 15, 2016 by askls

July 16, 2016

At this time, he also told me to "be a constant," and to "not run off." We cuddled on his couch for hours, and it eventually led to sex. This was our first time together. After the sex, he said something more about the "being a constant" thing, and I told him I wanted him to be a constant too. He told me he was going to "be as constant" as he could be.

A half hour later I got a super-long Facebook message saying how I always seem to forget he doesn't want a relationship right now. He would say how he didn't want to constantly have to respond to someone.

Then he needs to check his asking you to be a constant because guess what? That means he's got to do some reciprocating on his end.

He doesn't want you to be a constant anything. He wants to put you in a box up on a high shelf and when HE feels like getting you down, that's when you get to come down. You have no say-so in the matter.

Girl--dump him. He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. He's got issues he needs to be working out and you're not equipped to handle it.

Anyone who cannot reciprocate what they're asking of you doesn't belong in a relationship. They belong on a therapist's couch.

There is nothing to this. Stop wasting your youth behind someone who doesn't want you.

July 16, 2016

Something else that he told me when he started talking to me again, the last time, was that us hanging out might one day help him figure out what he wants.

That's a lie. He's a grown man, not a child. He's old enough to figure that out on his own.

July 17, 2016

No, Askls, it sounds like you never had any real chances -- for a mature relationship with him -- to begin with.

I agree that the behaviors you describe are warning signs his emotional development may have been seriously damaged in early childhood by his abusive father. If so, you are WAY out of your league in trying to deal with him because his behaviors are red flags for having strong traits of a personality disorder (PD) -- or a clinical disorder (e.g., PTSD, bipolar, depression, or anxiety).

I therefore suggest you take a look at the traits for Schizoid PD -- particularly, the section describing "The Secret Schizoid" -- to see if most traits sound very familiar. Yet, if your relationship eventually becomes more serious, I would strongly recommend you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you likely are dealing with.

I appreciate the link. It makes me sad that I maybe wasn't understanding enough or something, and I don't want him to think of me that way. If by any chance he did "like" me like he said in his last message (before he started saying the other things), I want him to know I have patience for him, and I'm willing to learn lots more just so I can better understand what he's going through.

July 17, 2016

That's a confusing situation! It's hard in the beginning stages of a relationship to determine if both people feel the same way. Everyone reacts to emotional abuse in different ways and in varying degrees. People who have had emotional abuse have a hard time understanding what a normal relationship looks and feels like. Maybe you can help him understand what a healthy relationship looks like (Communication, trust, love and patience).

Just be careful that he is not emotionally abusing you! Children who grow up with it sometimes inherit their parents ways (not their fault, but it's all they know).

Take care of yourself and good luck

July 18, 2016

That's a confusing situation! It's hard in the beginning stages of a relationship to determine if both people feel the same way. Everyone reacts to emotional abuse in different ways and in varying degrees. People who have had emotional abuse have a hard time understanding what a normal relationship looks and feels like. Maybe you can help him understand what a healthy relationship looks like (Communication, trust, love and patience).
Just be careful that he is not emotionally abusing you! Children who grow up with it sometimes inherit their parents ways (not their fault, but it's all they know).
Take care of yourself and good luck

Thank you for your thoughts. He hasn't spoken to me since then, but I'm being really hopeful that my chance to be with him is not a lost cause. (I do believe it is still possible.) Do you have any recommendations for how I could help him understand a healthy relationship (if he does come around)?

July 18, 2016

He doesn't want a relationship - he told you more than once now! He's just not that into you. Don't torture yourself, you are only going to be called up when he wants sex...you're worried about him knowing about healthy relationships when you can't even recognize an unhealthy one for yourself.

Move on.

July 18, 2016

Why must it be him? You seem so desperate to prove yourself to a guy that is massively hot and cold. That tells you one thing while hot and then blames you for doing it when he's cold.

July 18, 2016

Do you have any recommendations for how I could help him understand a healthy relationship (if he does come around)?

I think in this case, it's you that needs to understand and grasp what a healthy relationship should look like and once you're able to draw boundaries in terms of what you believe you deserve and what you're worth, you won't be sitting around waiting to teach someone how to validate you.

July 18, 2016

Thank you for your thoughts. He hasn't spoken to me since then, but I'm being really hopeful that my chance to be with him is not a lost cause. (I do believe it is still possible.) Do you have any recommendations for how I could help him understand a healthy relationship (if he does come around)?

How can you possibly help him understand what that is, when you apparently don't know what that looks like either?

OP, I don't mean to be rude - but you are grasping at straws. He has been clear. He is not interested.

July 18, 2016

Thank you for your thoughts. He hasn't spoken to me since then, but I'm being really hopeful that my chance to be with him is not a lost cause. (I do believe it is still possible.) Do you have any recommendations for how I could help him understand a healthy relationship (if he does come around)?

recommendations for how I could help him understand a healthy relationship -- You are not his shrink nor should you attempt to be. If this guy does have some inability to have healthy relationships and you're thinking you can change him or help him overcome it, you do not have the skill set that would even give that a chance and so all you are doing is taking on a project, trying to "make the man". Frankenstein did that with his creation . . . and he got it to walk around, but it wasn't pretty.

July 18, 2016

there are people that will come over to his place and hang and have sex and then go away and not contact him. they are called prostitutes.

you are not one. leave him alone. he's screaming to be left alone, whatever the reasons. he's messed up and it's contagious. you already feel messed up/lacking just being around him.

Edited July 18, 2016 by Miss Clavel

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