klanias Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Hi all, A couple of months ago I hooked up with this girl from work. We hadn’t really spoken before just exchanged some emails and bumped into each other once or twice. One night she invited me out where she was with friends and rather drunk. I went to meet her and things quickly escalated ending up in sex the same night. I thought it was a one-night stand but the next morning she stayed over, and then came by again the next night, also spending the morning after. From there on we started texting which became a lot more frequent. She would send messages first thing in the morning, saying how she missed me and expressing how much she liked me, asking me what I was doing and with who, and even goodnight ones. She would even ask if she could come over during work as see me briefly. Initially I was quite cool about it but got drawn into it since I found that she was smart, sexy, and had a good sense of humor. She also seemed to be very into me, trying to find any time-slots I were available so she could see me, and always commenting on how hot, smart, and cool I was. There also was a point where she said she was falling for me and it was scary. There were some things however that were causing me to be a bit unsure about her. The first was that she was asking some questions that seemed to be a bit too soon. The second was her kind of wild nature, she loved to go out with friends, binge drinking, travel very frequently, and her openness in sex. But I didn’t give much notice to that since I didn’t feel threatened by her lifestyle. The third which caused me to think about the whole thing a lot was her reference to her ex. She told me that she recently broke up with her controlling ex, and asked me if I ever contacted my ex-girlfriends. This was a bit strange since I never mentioned previous relationships. In addition, we never really had any proper dates outside our homes, but I didn’t really give it much importance since I thought that this would most likely be due to her recent break-up and her ex being in the same city. I don’t know how long ago the break-up happened but I assume it is between a few weeks and 2-3 months max. Things were seemingly going quite well, we would meet frequently, text a lot cracking jokes etc for about 3 weeks. At some point after sex, I accidentally told her that I loved her, wanting to say something sexual but it slipped my tongue. I know that it was too soon but it was something that came out by accident and couldn’t really take it back once I said it. She immediately responded that she loved me too, and that it feels so great to hear that. A couple of days later she was leaving for a work/fun trip abroad with some of her friends. Up to the moment she left from work she would send messages of how much she missed me and (in a cute manner) asking me to join her. Communication after that got a bit weird since she slowed down messaging and the next day cut it off totally. After four days of no response she replied saying was having an amazing time and then told me that she needed to talk to me about slowing down, since she recently came out of a bad relationship, and that the fact that we work together freaks her out. Once she got back she seemed to be avoiding me and whenever any plans were made she would cancel. When I became a bit distant or uninterested she seemed to show interest only to then pull back. This thing went on for about a week until we ceased communication. When I asked to have a talk about the whole thing since we work at the same place she said it was not necessary since she could be professional. I was a bit curious about what had happened and she suddenly changed but the only response I got was that when she was abroad she liked the sense of being free and single after a bad relationship, and that is why she lost a bit of interest. This whole thing has puzzled me a lot, making me question if I did something wrong that turned her off, or if it was just a rebound thing. I find it really hard to believe that a person’s feelings can shift so suddenly, making me question if anything she said was true. She obviously is not a direct person, but I am curious if this is due to it being a rebound fling, traits of a narcissist, someone that is really immature emotionally, afraid of attaching, realized that we are not compatible, or all of the above.
smudge21 Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Go with your gut - it does sound like a rebound to me; she seemed to jump straight into that loving closeness that comes with a relationship, something she recently had, but then time away again made her remember the bad past and in turn direct that on to what was happening between you two. Not your fault or anything you did in my opinion, so don't take it personally. I would now just say your peace and let her be. Go live your own life and maybe even look at dating elsewhere. You can't make her fall for you or change her mind. Getting over a breakup can affect us all in different ways and hers seems to be reaching out for comfort elsewhere, whether friends or you. Maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't, but don't waste your life waiting for her. Oh and don't go chasing or begging. Right now, you've been cool about it and there's got to be a lot of respect for you from her. Always good to go out on a high.
Author klanias Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 Go with your gut - it does sound like a rebound to me; she seemed to jump straight into that loving closeness that comes with a relationship, something she recently had, but then time away again made her remember the bad past and in turn direct that on to what was happening between you two. Not your fault or anything you did in my opinion, so don't take it personally. I would now just say your peace and let her be. Go live your own life and maybe even look at dating elsewhere. You can't make her fall for you or change her mind. Getting over a breakup can affect us all in different ways and hers seems to be reaching out for comfort elsewhere, whether friends or you. Maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't, but don't waste your life waiting for her. Oh and don't go chasing or begging. Right now, you've been cool about it and there's got to be a lot of respect for you from her. Always good to go out on a high. Thanks for the reply :-) I also believe that it has something to do with baggage from the past relationship, but her behavior when she got back was so strange that made me believe that it could be signs of a narcissist When she returned to work (3-4 days later) she seemed to be avoiding me (passing outside my office and not saying hi). I noticed her going by so I texted her to come over, we talked in a friendly manner, and asked her if she wanted to meet up the following day, she said yes and then left. The next morning she sent me a message saying that someone near her office is wearing my cologne and that it is distracting her. I told her that she could get a good smell of it the same night, and then after a couple of hours she cancelled on me and asked if we could meet tomorrow night. I said ok. The next day she asked me if I could come by her place earlier after work, I said ok, and then again canceled saying that last moment she got caught up in work. The same night she told me she had a dinner, and that if she got time she would drop by my place (she didn’t, and did not even text). By then I had had enough, and when she asked me if I had plans for the day (the following one) I said I did. She then started asking if I was angry, and that I seem really cool with her. I told her that we could talk about it when she got back (since she was leaving for another short trip to see a friend of hers), and told me that she didn’t like things being complicated and ****ty. When she got back again she started this thing, that in my impression was just seeking validation that I liked her, and nothing more.
smudge21 Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what is going on. What you need to decide now is can you walk away? I had similar with a girl that would always keep me at bay, push me away when I got too close, but then pull me back when I started wandering off. Eventually I simply stopped coming back and although she still reached out, she never went above and beyond, or showed enough interest to warrant me making the effort I had before. She stopped getting in touch (only occasionally) and I stopped caring (well, stopped showing that I cared) and we drifted apart. That's the thing, the same with this girl of yours, you can only push people so far until we all reach that breaking point and no longer want to be treated like this. It's like a breakup when the dumpee just hangs around, accepts a friendship, lives in hope... eventually they reach their own breaking point and they walk away; they're finally able to walk away, as the person they once loved has just changed so much that there truly is no-one left to love. Your girl isn't the same person you fell for and the more she plays this on/off, push/pull thing, the more you're going to forget who she was... and then you'll move on and that will be that. 1
Author klanias Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 Sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what is going on. What you need to decide now is can you walk away? I had similar with a girl that would always keep me at bay, push me away when I got too close, but then pull me back when I started wandering off. Eventually I simply stopped coming back and although she still reached out, she never went above and beyond, or showed enough interest to warrant me making the effort I had before. She stopped getting in touch (only occasionally) and I stopped caring (well, stopped showing that I cared) and we drifted apart. That's the thing, the same with this girl of yours, you can only push people so far until we all reach that breaking point and no longer want to be treated like this. It's like a breakup when the dumpee just hangs around, accepts a friendship, lives in hope... eventually they reach their own breaking point and they walk away; they're finally able to walk away, as the person they once loved has just changed so much that there truly is no-one left to love. Your girl isn't the same person you fell for and the more she plays this on/off, push/pull thing, the more you're going to forget who she was... and then you'll move on and that will be that. Yep, I understood that so after that I did something rash just to test the waters and possibly to end things. I wasn't sure if she wanted me for sex or just lost interest, but obviously the latter happened. It is just strange for me how she changed so suddenly, its almost like it is a totally different person. I feel that I may have gotten a bit too emotional with her and that could have made her back-off. I know its not the best thing to do to put the blame on me, but it is really difficult for me to comprehend how someone could change (or even fake from the beginning) their interest.
Gaeta Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Hon, that is how people just out of relationships behave. There is nothing for you at the end of the rainbow. Save yourself some heartache move on to something more constructive and something mutual. 1
Author klanias Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 Hon, that is how people just out of relationships behave. There is nothing for you at the end of the rainbow. Save yourself some heartache move on to something more constructive and something mutual. I guess you are right, even though I find it difficult to comprehend since I don't act like that when I break up. I think what is bothering me is if she ever was attracted to me in the first place, and if so what was lacking to sustain this thing. For me it is pretty easy, once I meet a girl and 2-3 things click I know that I like her and thats that.
smackie9 Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 I guess you are right, even though I find it difficult to comprehend since I don't act like that when I break up. I think what is bothering me is if she ever was attracted to me in the first place, and if so what was lacking to sustain this thing. For me it is pretty easy, once I meet a girl and 2-3 things click I know that I like her and thats that. Because a lot of people are messed emotionally just out of a relationship and anyone giving them attention looks good. But over a short time the rose color glasses come off and realize they were blinded by their emotions. The attraction was caused the desperation to escape the pain of the breakup.....rebound! Boing!
Author klanias Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 Because a lot of people are messed emotionally just out of a relationship and anyone giving them attention looks good. But over a short time the rose color glasses come off and realize they were blinded by their emotions. The attraction was caused the desperation to escape the pain of the breakup.....rebound! Boing! She is not the type of girl that doesn't have the attentions of guys. There are many that want to hook up with her, even at the day I first met up with her. She had also mentioned that she had noticed me a while back and that I had really messed her up, and was trying to find ways to see me. Thats is why I am so puzzled, since she quite early demonstrated some signs of interest, way before we hooked up. It is things like these that make me think that it was just a challenge for her to prove that she could, and once she got me she lost interest.
Author klanias Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 Or she found someone she liked better.......... Could very well be the case, but in any circumstance it sucks, and it makes me lose confidence in myself. I didnt think that I would think like that since I always believed myself to be secure (decent looks, very good career, financially doing well). I feel like all this has woken up a bunch of insecurities. As though she suddenly realized that she can do better since there is no one new which she seems to be dating currently, and her behavior to me after she got back as though I am a person that is of no value. Although I have been in flings many times and been the dumper, I never gave the impression of so much interest and excitement to girls I dated. I also never changed my behavior suddenly, since when I lost interest there was something very specific that emerged gradually. In any case I wouldn't suddenly stop communicating and would at least provide an excuse as why it would be better to end. I think in the end of the day it is my ego that cant handle this sudden change since I was not prepared and felt quite secure with her
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