My BFF's Boyfriend Bought Her Work-Out Outfit For Birthday...

[sandylee1]

I think I'd feel embarrassed and upset that it had come to this more than being offended. Embarrassed that I shouldn't have gained that weight and that my BF has had to make his point in this way.

 

If he didn't care about her, he'd have left her by now.

 

He sounds supportive though.

[sc0316]

She is average height, around 5'7" ....

 

I noticed how much she had been gaining and mentioned it (nicely)... but she just laughed it off.

 

She mistakenly thought her bf didn't care.....

 

I'm honestly a little surprised that she didn't want to get back in shape FOR HERSELF, after having gained so much weight (I mean, before her bf gave her the hint).

[elaine567]

The problem is, that's not a subtle hint. It's a bludgeon w a club, even if the person thinks they're being clever. It plainly and openly says "I think you need to lose weight," only it's delivered w cowardice, and on top of that it carries that special little caveat that not only did you lack the balls to just discuss it openly, you felt you could trick the person into adopting a behavior that would help you achieve your goal whether they wanted it or not. (It'd be diff if forex you discussed it and she said she wanted to lose weight and intended to start working out and then you bought her an outfit.)

 

Think about it - is anyone so dumb that they'd think "Ah cool, a workout outfit. Hey I have an idea! I'll use this to work out in - that way maybe I can lose some of this extra weight I've been putting on. Neat!"

 

I know some ppl are very vulnerable and would hate the idea of an upfront talk about what's bothering their partner if it's weight, but that's a separate issue. If you can't discuss that stuff you have communication problems. The weight issue is its own thing and the only healthy way to approach and resolve it is thru open communication. Not tricks or stunts.

 

I agree, its cowardly and it ruined her birthday too, well done that man!

She is only "happy" now to save face and because she wants to keep him on board for some reason...

[clia]

A 50 pound weight gain is not insignificant. She's likely obese or morbidly obese on the BMI charts. I'm very curious why it took her boyfriend buying her an outfit her to decide it was time to lose weight? Why did it not occur to her sooner?

[Els]

Sounds okay to me, especially since he's making it a partnered activity (running with her). I mean, I suppose it isn't terribly subtle, like giving a guy deodorant or something, but it's probably still one of the better ways of tackling a sensitive issue IMO.

 

Edit: Oh, wait, just recalled that it was a BIRTHDAY gift? Yeah, that was kind of a cop-out. He should've gotten her a real gift for her birthday, and gotten her the workout outfit as a 'just because' gift, if you ask me.

[katiegrl]

She is not *obese* or morbidly obese.

 

She was around 120 lbs. when they met and is now 170. Far from obese.

 

She still looks lovely, wears cute clothes, etc.

 

The weight crept up gradually, I recall her saying last year she wanted to lose, but kept gaining.

 

They go out to eat a lot, lots of rich foods, barbecues etc..... so I don't think there is any deep psychological reason for the gain, she was just very happy and didn't pay much attention.

 

As I said earlier, she mistakenly assumed her bf didn't care.

 

She was wrong about that, yes she is embarrassed......but now that she knows ..... she is motivated to doing something about it...... for herself and for him.... for the relationship.

 

It's all cool now...

 

This thread was started go get opinions re how you (ladies) would feel and men ... what you thought of the idea.

 

NOT to criticize my friend, make unfounded accusations about her being morbidly obese or to suggest there is something wrong with her for not wanting to lose "for herself" or why she chooses to stay with her boyfriend..

Edited July 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[elaine567]

Edit: Oh, wait, just recalled that it was a BIRTHDAY gift? Yeah, that was kind of a cop-out. He should've gotten her a real gift for her birthday, and gotten her the workout outfit as a 'just because' gift, if you ask me.

 

Yes.

.......................

[Springsummer]

holy...so I am over weighted now? I am 120lb at 5'2:eek:

 

120lb for 5'7? wow...must be super skinny

[katiegrl]

holy...so I am over weighted now? I am 120lb at 5'2:eek:

 

120lb for 5'7? wow...must be super skinny

 

She was 120 when she met him.... she has gained 50 since then and is now around 170.

 

But yeah she was super skinny when they met! Model skinny!

[clia]

5'7" and 170 lbs is overweight. Check a BMI chart. She may look lovely and wear cute clothes, but she's still overweight and substantially larger than she was when she started dating her boyfriend. 50 lbs doesn't just creep up on you. I really don't understand why she thought her boyfriend wouldn't care that she increased her weight that much. We often hear the male perspective on here about weight gain that extreme, so I was just curious why the boyfriend even had to go to such lengths as buying her an outfit to make her realize she needed to lose weight. We aren't talking an extra 5-10 lbs here.

 

I guess it's a good idea since it worked, though! I would personally be embarrassed if it were me. But then again, I wouldn't let myself gain 50 lbs and expect my boyfriend to be cool with it. Just me. But whatever works for her! I wish her the best, obviously!

[katiegrl]

5'7" and 170 lbs is overweight. Check a BMI chart. She may look lovely and wear cute clothes, but she's still overweight and substantially larger than she was when she started dating her boyfriend. 50 lbs doesn't just creep up on you. I really don't understand why she thought her boyfriend wouldn't care that she increased her weight that much. We often hear the male perspective on here about weight gain that extreme, so I was just curious why the boyfriend even had to go to such lengths as buying her an outfit to make her realize she needed to lose weight. We aren't talking an extra 5-10 lbs here.

 

I guess it's a good idea since it worked, though! I would personally be embarrassed if it were me. But then again, I wouldn't let myself gain 50 lbs and expect my boyfriend to be cool with it. Just me. But whatever works for her! I wish her the best, obviously!

 

Oh yeah she is definitely overweight, but not sure if it's to the point of being considered obese? Looking at her, it's hard to imagine that's true. But I could be wrong....

 

Agree with your last paragraph.... yeah I am the same as you.

 

I am harder on myself than any boyfriend could ever be.... I gain five and freak out....and according to my doctor.... I am considered underweight!

 

5'6" - 115 give or take . I am rather obsessive about it though, which is not cool either!

 

As for her.... not for me to judge. She was (IS) happy, got a bit too comfortable I guess. It happens.

 

Some people need a kick in the butt, or just need to be made aware it bothers his (or her) significant other....I dunno.

 

But as I said, she is cool with it and excited about losing and getting in shape!

Edited July 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[Aniela]

Ok, then please enlighten us...

 

How can a man be supportive then?

 

If he bought her a gym membership, offended. If he bought her running shoes, offended. If he dare ask her to do something about her weight, offended.

 

So I'm curious here. How can a guy be supportive of his woman's need to improve her physical appearance?

 

I mean, I'm tired of reading threads where when a woman stops having a desire to have sex, gain weight, and/or stop putting on makeup/doing her hair (grooming) that somehow it's the guys' problem/responsibility to encourage, motivate, etc. the woman.

 

So, now, this guy simply buys her some workout clothes and yes he is charged with the crime of "offending" her. Can a guy win here?

 

Doing this as a birthday gift? It was selfish, and thoughtless. I would have been offended.

[katiegrl]

Well what d'ya know... just checked my BMI and my weight is considered "normal" ...woo hoo!

 

Wonder why my doctor said underweight..... hmmm.

 

My friend is in the "overweight" range, not obese range.

 

Her boyfriend is great, not selfish or thoughtless at all.... he meant well I'm sure.

 

They're actually a great couple!

[Aniela]

Well what d'ya know... just checked my BMI and my weight is considered "normal" ...woo hoo!

 

Wonder why my doctor said underweight..... hmmm.

 

My friend is in the "overweight" range, not obese range.

 

Her boyfriend is great, not selfish of thoughtless at sll.... he meant well I'm sure.

 

They're actually a great couple!

 

If that was done to me, I would think him selfish and thoughtless.

[xxoo]

I'd love that birthday gift.

[katiegrl]

If that was done to me, I would think him selfish and thoughtless.

 

Well good thing YOU are not dating him then....

 

Appreciate your opinion though..... that IS what I asked for after all. Opinions.

Edited July 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gloria25]

I agree, its cowardly and it ruined her birthday too, well done that man!

She is only "happy" now to save face and because she wants to keep him on board for some reason...

 

Oh great, now he's a "coward".

 

So, if he would have been upfront and just straight out told her she needs to lose the weight, this thread would have been about him being rude, insensitive, superficial, and unsupportive.

 

This is the typical "How do I look in this dress?" question. Any way a guy answers is wrong.

 

If I were a man I'd give up on women already.

[jen1447]

Well what d'ya know... just checked my BMI and my weight is considered "normal" ...woo hoo!

 

Wonder why my doctor said underweight..... hmmm.

 

There's the "scientist's say" scale and then the real-world-doctor-who-knows-you-and-doesn't-hold-you-to-impossible-standards scale. I know a couple ppl who've been told they're obese and they're like 30 lbs. overweight.

[Aniela]

Well good thing YOU are not dating him then....

 

Appreciate your opinion though..... that IS what II asked for after all. Opinions.

 

Definitely. You asked women here how they would feel in her place, and that's what you've got in response. Varied responses, as usual, but each of us being honest.

 

You said yourself, that she was upset at first. She might have come around to doing it, because it's with her boyfriend, but if she wasn't exercising that way before, and hadn't asked for it for her birthday, he could have waited just a few days.

[Gloria25]

Doing this as a birthday gift? It was selfish, and thoughtless. I would have been offended.

 

When I give out gifts - birthday, V-day, M-day, etc. It isn't always "fun" stuff.

 

I often try to buy something that someone can make use of. For mother's day, I actually got my mom a pants/top combination cuz I saw she lacked clothing to wear in the streets.

 

He bought her a workout get up cuz she would need it to start working out in.

 

You know, some people for gifts take money and contribute it to a charity in your name.

 

You know, fitness isn't just about looks. If you're up and moving, it improves mood, functioning, and overall health. But forget him giving a hoot about her appearance and health, he's a coward and selfish pig.

[katiegrl]

Definitely. You asked women here how they would feel in her place, and that's what you've got in response. Varied responses, as usual, but each of us being honest.

 

You said yourself, that she was upset at first. She might have come around to doing it, because it's with her boyfriend, but if she wasn't exercising that way before, and hadn't asked for it for her birthday, he could have waited just a few days.

 

Yes I realize that is what I asked for ... which is precisely why I said I appreciate your opinion.

 

 

 

.

[Aniela]

Yes I realize that is what I asked for ... which is precisely why I said I appreciate your opinion.

 

 

 

.

 

I'd quoted you, before you edited.

[Aniela]

When I give out gifts - birthday, V-day, M-day, etc. It isn't always "fun" stuff.

 

I often try to buy something that someone can make use of. For mother's day, I actually got my mom a pants/top combination cuz I saw she lacked clothing to wear in the streets.

 

He bought her a workout get up cuz she would need it to start working out in.

 

You know, some people for gifts take money and contribute it to a charity in your name.

 

You know, fitness isn't just about looks. If you're up and moving, it improves mood, functioning, and overall health. But forget him giving a hoot about her appearance and health, he's a coward and selfish pig.

 

When my mother was drinking too much, I didn't buy her a book about stopping drinking, or take her to an AA meeting for her birthday. I did talk to her about it at other times.

[Gloria25]

When my mother was drinking too much, I didn't buy her a book about stopping drinking, or take her to an AA meeting for her birthday. I did talk to her about it at other times.

 

So now there's unspoken rules as to what constitutes a "gift" and when its supposed to be given?

 

I'm gonna wait for this thread to die down and in a few months I'm gonna post one about a guy buying his gf a workout suit outside of birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and see the responses. I'm sure he'll also get hemmed up too.

[GravityMan]

Your BFF's boyfriend is very fortunate that they were able to patch things up after she was initially offended. (I'm assuming that she's REALLY over it instead of just trying to save face.) I suspect that in most situations where the man makes a mistake like that...reconciliation is off the table; the relationship is irreparably damaged even if they've been together for years.

 

Granted, for many men, physical appearance comprises part of their attraction to their girlfriends and wives. And if that appearance gradually or suddenly changes in a way he doesn't like, then it's possible that the ground his attraction is standing on will become more unstable and cracked.

 

However, the only way I can think of to "address" an undesirable weight-gain situation without being manipulative and possibly offensive is to let HER bring it up, and then talk about it. (Otherwise, just keep his mouth shut and get over it...or he can leave if it bothers him that much.) The man should choose his words very carefully and keep his own feelings and biases under control as this is a sensitive subject. I think it requires a high amount of maturity and emotional intelligence in order to navigate through this kind of delicate situation unscathed. Then, if he's gonna get her a workout outfit or something, then do it on an ordinary day.

 

Big mistake and misjudgment for him to buy her the outfit on her birthday. That's as bad as doing it on Valentine's Day or Christmas or their relationship anniversary. At the very least, it's tasteless. I mean c'mon...even an inexperienced but decently socially aware 18-year-old would likely know better than that.

 

Again, he's lucky things were able to be patched up.

 

Lastly, I get some people preferring to give gifts that the recipient can use...i.e. practical gifts. That's actually pretty common, especially when the recipient is a friend or family member (instead of your significant other). And some recipients prefer "useful" gifts. However, it's possible to give a practical gift that's also in good taste, unoffensive and even fun. None of that is mutually exclusive. Just put a little thought into it...it's not that difficult. (Of course, some people are hard to shop for in general...)