Jillybear Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 My SO and I had been dating 6 months. I am 28 and he is 30. It may not seem like much time but at this age the intensity of growth in relationships seems faster. We had everything a healthy relationship should have. Respect, love, support, communication, understanding. It was beautiful. He has a few things in his life that were difficult for him. He's a grad student in a program that he's not sure about - in the past this has caused him to feel depressed. He lives with his mom for financial reasons and she is overbearing and lacks boundaries. He has spent most of his life being guided by guilt and not always considering what's best for him. I'm the opposite. I fight for my needs and I believe that my happiness and success come from within. If we let the external world determine our self-worth, we will never really feel happy. Just my belief. Anyways, our relationship was the beautiful and safe space that inspired and challenged us both to grow without being codependent. Neither of us felt we had to fix each other. He fulfilled my deepest of needs and vice versa. It was mostly effortless. 1 week ago - he broke things off suddenly and even now when I look back there were no indications or signs leading up to it. He cried while he told me how much he cared about me and how I've only added to his life and never taken away from other priorities. But he just felt that he needed to do this. He couldnt explain more other than he didn't feel he could give all he wanted to me. Which is wild because I received moreeeee than enough from him. He said he wanted to learn to love himself again. He didn't want to give me hope as he didn't feel it was fair but when I asked him he did say he absolutely hopes we cross paths again and I was the best thing to ever come into his life. I don't know how to let go of the hope that he may return. It worked for both of us and it was beautiful. But he, for whatever reason, felt he needed to do this on his own even though our relationship he said helped him so much. I know I have to focus on me now but I can't stop this pain. We didn't speak about it specifically but we have had no contact. I want to respect his space. Is there a chance he will come back? Why did he leave something that was such a beautiful support in a tough time? Is this a masculine thing? How do I even begin to let go of something that brought me such joy and that felt so absolutely right? It feels so incomplete. Please help.
Redhead14 Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 My SO and I had been dating 6 months. I am 28 and he is 30. It may not seem like much time but at this age the intensity of growth in relationships seems faster. We had everything a healthy relationship should have. Respect, love, support, communication, understanding. It was beautiful. He has a few things in his life that were difficult for him. He's a grad student in a program that he's not sure about - in the past this has caused him to feel depressed. He lives with his mom for financial reasons and she is overbearing and lacks boundaries. He has spent most of his life being guided by guilt and not always considering what's best for him. I'm the opposite. I fight for my needs and I believe that my happiness and success come from within. If we let the external world determine our self-worth, we will never really feel happy. Just my belief. Anyways, our relationship was the beautiful and safe space that inspired and challenged us both to grow without being codependent. Neither of us felt we had to fix each other. He fulfilled my deepest of needs and vice versa. It was mostly effortless. 1 week ago - he broke things off suddenly and even now when I look back there were no indications or signs leading up to it. He cried while he told me how much he cared about me and how I've only added to his life and never taken away from other priorities. But he just felt that he needed to do this. He couldnt explain more other than he didn't feel he could give all he wanted to me. Which is wild because I received moreeeee than enough from him. He said he wanted to learn to love himself again. He didn't want to give me hope as he didn't feel it was fair but when I asked him he did say he absolutely hopes we cross paths again and I was the best thing to ever come into his life. I don't know how to let go of the hope that he may return. It worked for both of us and it was beautiful. But he, for whatever reason, felt he needed to do this on his own even though our relationship he said helped him so much. I know I have to focus on me now but I can't stop this pain. We didn't speak about it specifically but we have had no contact. I want to respect his space. Is there a chance he will come back? Why did he leave something that was such a beautiful support in a tough time? Is this a masculine thing? How do I even begin to let go of something that brought me such joy and that felt so absolutely right? It feels so incomplete. Please help. There is always a chance. It may be that he's become overwhelmed by his emotions for you and considering taking things up a notch. Since is the first time this has happened and at this point in the relationship, that's a real possibility. Very often a man will pull away in order to center himself and focus on what he's feeling to and make that leap. I'd give it a couple of weeks, tops, if you really feel that there was enough there for you. And, if he comes back, listen carefully, and make your own decision as to whether his return is sincere. And, be sure to communicate effectively about your expectations and needs going forward. If you do come back together and this happens again, end it for good at that point. Men who do this kind of thing often are emotionally weak and the woman suffers greatly by his back and forth behavior. I'm not talking about a couple of days here and there, but a week at a time or more. Men do pull away sometimes for a little bit of time to "regroup" so to speak. They need alone time/time to just be themselves and recharge their batteries. They get estrogen overload I call it But, large chunks of time is a red flag. Pay attention to it.
Author Jillybear Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 Thank you @redhead14 - that is a helpful perspective. I think you're right about giving it a few weeks tops. He's a bit stubborn when it comes it making big decisions so I am so scared that if he does return, it won't be for months. Gosh it breaks my heart to think it might be over forever. It's hard to keep my mind present when all I want is another chance to keep exploring the beauty between us. Ugh.
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