If a soldier pulls back, what is the best strategy to support him from afar?

July 12, 2016

I like him, that's why I put so much importance on his words and behavior and count the days we don't speak (or consult some love forum in this case). I've had mixed experiences and that's why I fail to be too receptive for the black and white kind of negativity that is thrown at me on here.

Why don't you contact him?

July 12, 2016

Why don't you contact him?

Oh, I did today. I was like

"Hey dork, how's your week so far."

He hasn't responded yet and that's okay. He might be either -

1. Sulking because I didn't respond to his last message right away (and I guess if he has some kind of internal issues due to his childhood trauma or a certain attachment style that doesn't correspond well to radio silence after his vulnerability on show, it might be a real possibility for him to ignore on purpose)

2. Might be busy thinking that he'll message me later when he's home and has the time/motivation (plus, from my observation he rarely checks his phone) or

3. He's not interested (at the moment/permanently).

Whatever the case, I do like him and believe if it's meant to be it's going to happen. If not, it's the perfect opportunity to keep living life as usual and be happy.

July 12, 2016

3. He's not interested (at the moment/permanently).

Whatever the case, I do like him and believe if it's meant to be it's going to happen. If not, it's the perfect opportunity to keep living life as usual and be happy.

Well, I gotta say at this point, since you have emailed him after a week of no contact, and he has not responded, I vote for number 3.

Gaeta, you may have been right after all.

Sammy, with respect hun, you talk about many of us projecting our experiences on to your situation.... be careful YOU are not projecting YOUR feelings on to this man.

It is very easy to do, I have done it myself many times. Human nature.

In any event, your attitude is right on. Just keep living your life as usual... and be happy. That's all you can do. What's meant to be WILL be.

Best of luck and take care....

July 12, 2016

He also could have been abducted by aliens.

The danger in all your excuse making and rationalization is you arent maintaining healthy personal boundaries. There is nothing wrong with saying: "I am worthy of a man who contacts me every day and doesnt leave me wondering. i am worth of a guy that WANTS to talk to me every day."

If he DOES resurface, and asks to see you, and you say yes, you are effectively telling him that you are okay with being ignored and blown off. He will then respect you even less, and the situation will get worse and worse for you.

I suspect you will either get 1) no response; or 2) a vague response that does not inquire as to you or make any attempt to perpetuate a conversation ie Been super busy"

It's 4 days straight of no contact because I was the one who didn't respond after his last message.

His message didnt request or prompt any response from you. And no interested man would sulk for 4 days if they didnt hear from her. they would send a text asking is everything ok, did you get my message, hey how are you.

Good luck to you tho

Edited July 12, 2016 by Maggie888

July 12, 2016

He also could have been abducted by aliens.

The danger in all your excuse making and rationalization is you arent maintaining healthy personal boundaries. There is nothing wrong with saying: "I am worthy of a man who contacts me every day and doesnt leave me wondering. i am worth of a guy that WANTS to talk to me every day."

If he DOES resurface, and asks to see you, and you say yes, you are effectively telling him that you are okay with being ignored and blown off. He will then respect you even less, and the situation will get worse and worse for you.

I suspect you will either get 1) no response; or 2) a vague response that does not inquire as to you or make any attempt to perpetuate a conversation ie Been super busy"

His message didnt request or prompt any response from you. And no interested man would sulk for 4 days if they didnt hear from her. they would send a text asking is everything ok, did you get my message, hey how are you.

Good luck to you tho

Thank you Maggie but seems like compassion and understanding a man and their struggles sometimes helps more than a woman's focus on her own bitterness, insecurities and the resulting harsh judgement:

If anything, this is teaching me again that not everyone is the same and that I was right about my gut feeling and impression of him. He may be inconsistent with his texting habit and attention but to be fair so am I when I'm stressed or in a work flow, plus he warned me (has been consistently honest, that's for sure ) and he sure as hell is not any of the guys that hurt you in the past.

The guy I respect and like does not deserve your harsh judgement just because men in your life have f*cked up. It's true that there may be common pattern and we human are good at spotting them but I feel pretty content in sticking to compassion and actual understanding. Right as I'm writing this, he sent another very long message, apologizing to me for his absence and revealing why he has been distant - I was right all along, it was work.

I think I now understand why people say some women are cut to be military spouses/partners and some aren't. From what I see is that his job and dream to go special forces seems to be his priority nr 1. He only felt comfortable reaching out again full force after the situation was clear back in his 'military world'.

This means a civilian woman who was fed the line "You go girl, you so deserve a man who talks to you everyday and shows you he WANTS you every waking moment in your life etc pp" does give a woman unrealistic expectations - especially when it comes to military personnel but also interpersonal relationships and natural cycles of flooding feelings but also the ebbs.

Does that make him worse? No. He is still generous, smart, etc etc.

Right now, he's texting me exactly the way he used to and said thank you for not ripping his head off for the inconsistency ie, not being able make me his priority nr 1 (like his ex used to). The reason why I even wrote here was because I didn't know what was going on. So, I guess, I learnt more about him and the dynamics that awaits me when I decide to dance to his music (is it weird that now that I know how he ticks, I do not mind his inconsistent texting behavior anymore?). I was just unsure because like most ladies, I too initially believed that radio silence and lack of attention directly translates to complete disinterest. I too used to make it all about me, me, me and again, me.

However, maaaaaybe if we stop letting our abandonment issues and insecurities run wild (at least in front of him) and in turn, sabotage our early budding relationships by acting those issues out, we'd have some guys still sticking around and eventually allowed real love to flourish and bloom.

Not every guy will be head over heels and stay that way consistently (and not every guy will be in a place where he wants more than sex or attention). Some guys stop at the uncertainty stage of dating and leave because we take offense all too quickly and our nurturing feminine energy becomes tainted, dark, muddy and not too attractive for the other anymore. This has happened to me too, where an otherwise good guy turned me off by being too demanding while I still needed time to think things through.Sometimes, people need time, like you pointed out, to get to know the person and eventually fall in love.

Anyway, this is now the 3rd time in my life where I witness a guy, I thought is not interested after all, come back full force because I allowed him his space.

Guess, this thread can be closed now and maybe we've learnt a thing or two while discussing our different stances and POVs here. I am thankful for the generous attention and the time you all took to help me out. Best of luck to y'all! Maybe I'll be back in the future if he drives me mad again, ahahaha xD

Edited July 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 12, 2016

OK, good luck OP.

Do try to discourage him from discussing military stuff on whatsapp though. I talk about that stuff with my ex sometimes but we have codenames for things. It's just best for everyone.

July 12, 2016

OK, good luck OP.

Do try to discourage him from discussing military stuff on whatsapp though. I talk about that stuff with my ex sometimes but we have codenames for things. It's just best for everyone.

That's a very good point, Emilia, thanks a lot for pointing that out. Will tell him tomorrow since I'm ready to hit the sack. Good night!

July 12, 2016

Sorry but Im not seeing anything in his replies that shows interest or respect or desire for a relationship with you. All I see is more talk about Him Him Him.

I have never been abandoned or neglected and not bitter. I am very happy married and had successful long term relationships before that as well. I know you want to assume everyone here saying that is solely b/c they jaded but its not.

At this point, you have conditioned and talked yourself into accepting basically what us americans refer to as "bread crumbs" from this guy. You've excused his lackluster interest as him being busy, traumatized, bitter, hurt, afraid, and broke yet failed to accept it could just mean that he isnt as interested. Do you thin he's analyzing your every move, watching your social media obsessively, or posting online about what to do?

Has he asked or made any plans or indication of a future date?

July 12, 2016

Sorry but Im not seeing anything in his replies that shows interest or respect or desire for a relationship with you. All I see is more talk about Him Him Him.

I have never been abandoned or neglected and not bitter. I am very happy married and had successful long term relationships before that as well. I know you want to assume everyone here saying that is solely b/c they jaded but its not.

At this point, you have conditioned and talked yourself into accepting basically what us americans refer to as "bread crumbs" from this guy. You've excused his lackluster interest as him being busy, traumatized, bitter, hurt, afraid, and broke yet failed to accept it could just mean that he isnt as interested. Do you thin he's analyzing your every move, watching your social media obsessively, or posting online about what to do?

Has he asked or made any plans or indication of a future date?

This is what I would be watching for, OP.

See if he initiates plans with you.

July 12, 2016

This is what I would be watching for, OP.

See if he initiates plans with you.

I am not at all familiar with military men, but can they just schedule dates and stuff like everyone else?

I honestly don't know...

July 12, 2016

Sorry but Im not seeing anything in his replies that shows interest or respect or desire for a relationship with you. All I see is more talk about Him Him Him.

I have never been abandoned or neglected and not bitter. I am very happy married and had successful long term relationships before that as well. I know you want to assume everyone here saying that is solely b/c they jaded but its not.

At this point, you have conditioned and talked yourself into accepting basically what us americans refer to as "bread crumbs" from this guy. You've excused his lackluster interest as him being busy, traumatized, bitter, hurt, afraid, and broke yet failed to accept it could just mean that he isnt as interested. Do you thin he's analyzing your every move, watching your social media obsessively, or posting online about what to do?

Has he asked or made any plans or indication of a future date?

Yep, he asked me if he may still accompany me to the festival this Sunday I was talking about and if it's okay if he brings his friend and his wife for a double date ))))

I feel like you may be suffering on what people call 'selective attention' since you oh so successfully ignored that I mentioned how he apologized for the lack of communication, how he explained everything, how he actually talks normally with me and jokes around like he used to before we met in person, dunno, you wanted to have 20 screenshots of the entire conversation or something? A grand declaration of admiration and a ring maybe? LOL

Still probably not enough though since I feel like you're just too proud to back off and admit that your idea of what was going on was wrong. News alert, you don't know him and you don't know me or what happened 100% between us. You haven't been in any of our shoes. Haven't experienced our dynamics. Your shoulders aren't burdened with his problems or mine, but sure, you probably still think you may never be wrong, ever. Sad.

About that bread crumb statement: What if it's not always all about you, you and you? Ever thought that I come from a different cultural background where I'm actually comfortable with my femininity and these kind of dynamics? If it escaped your selective attention, I was unsure about the inconsistency in communication (still getting to know him, you see?) and I like him, which caused me to be super attentive and observant because again, news alert, some people want to understand what's going on without stressing the person out with too much negativity and interrogations when they least need it.

About him though? Maybe he didn't obsess over me like this but maybe, like, ya know Ma'am, he was just having other pressing issues to deal with. Like his career he worked very hard to establish for years? Don't know if a woman he is very much attracted to but only met roughly over 2 weeks ago should be getting all the attention and grand gestures. Or in your case, an entire loaf lol.

Sorry but, you don't make sense to me. But I appreciate your input, thank you for that.

July 12, 2016

I am not at all familiar with military men, but can they just schedule dates and stuff like everyone else?

I honestly don't know...

No idea, either!

But OP updated and said that they have another date lined up so I suppose there is some flexibility.

OP, enjoy your date and see what happens from there. You've known each other such a short period of time that this is a great opportunity to observe what he does and then evaluate if you'd like to proceed. Keep us posted!

July 12, 2016

That is one big collection of excuses you have for him.

In short he is telling you thank you for letting him treat you poorly and looks like you are volunteering to continued being treated as such.

You know there is a difference between being a needy man that texts a 100 times a day and being a gentleman with integrity.

A guy that drops you in the middle of a communication is a boy.

A man will tell you it was great touching base and will get back to you. He won't need to text you often, he won't need to text you every day but he will NEVER drop you in the middle of a conversation or let one of your communication sit there with no acknowledgement.

The dynamic of your relationship as of now is all about him. When did he ask something about you? When did he take an interest in something you do? I have not seen any exchange about you in this whole thread.

Finally military are regular men. They don't need more patience, they don't need to be handled carefully, they don't need you to mother them or shrink them. They are fully grown men that STILL have to answer to their actions. Being in the army is not a calling card to poorly treat women as they see fit when they see fit.

You are about to embark in a journey where you will accept being at the bottom of his list. Why? You also claim you do this in the name of being a secure woman. Sorry, a secure woman doesn't put herself on a shelve for a man.

I find it sad. All this because you fell for a boy in a uniform.

July 12, 2016

I am not at all familiar with military men, but can they just schedule dates and stuff like everyone else?

I honestly don't know...

I know....

It's a job like any other job while you are on base. You do 7-4 and you're out and free to come and go. This guy is not deployed, not on training. He is on base waiting for his next assignment.

July 12, 2016

Some of you guys leave me speechless. The negativity is astounding.

I feel like it's not me making excuses, it's a select few here that are so dead-set in their beliefs that they just can't accept the concept of different personalities and boundaries.

You're basically disregarding me as a person because I do not operate at the same ground as you girls - acting like I am a dumb love-struck girl for not being all hysterical and entitled and cut him loose for something so so dumb if you watch the bigger picture. He doesn't owe me ****, I understand that but he's still giving me all that makes me happy so what's your problem?

I am not you guys. What may be not enough for some of you, is enough for me. What you THINK a man (or my date) should do in order to make YOU girls feel secure and adored isn't necessarily needed for ME.

And that makes neither side better, anything else is just meant to patronize me.

Again. This particular story is MINE. About HIM and ME.

Let's leave your egos and expectations out of this, yea? I don't understand this place anymore.

July 12, 2016

Some of you guys leave me speechless. The negativity is astounding.

I feel like it's not me making excuses, it's a select few here that are so dead-set in their beliefs that they just can't accept the concept of different personalities and boundaries.

You're basically disregarding me as a person because I do not operate at the same ground as you girls - acting like I am a dumb love-struck girl for not being all hysterical and entitled and cut him loose for something so so dumb if you watch the bigger picture. He doesn't owe me ****, I understand that but he's still giving me all that makes me happy so what's your problem?

I am not you guys. What may be not enough for some of you, is enough for me. What you THINK a man (or my date) should do in order to make YOU girls feel secure and adored isn't necessarily needed for ME.
And that makes neither side better, anything else is just meant to patronize me.

Again. This particular story is MINE. About HIM and ME.

Let's leave your egos and expectations out of this, yea? I don't understand this place anymore.

If it's enough for you then why did you complain or worried he had been radio silent for 4 days? If it had not been a concern you would not have mentioned it.

July 12, 2016

Hey OP I'm late to this thread. I'm giving my opinion as someone who was married to a military man for 5 years, and as someone who was totally taken for a ride by someone after my divorce. Your guy is a total copy of the second guy I'm talking about.

It's WAYYY too soon to be that open and saying I love you, miss the **** it of you etc. In reality you hardly know each other. It's called love bombing and it's a HUGE red flag. My therapist has said this is one of the biggest red flags out there and should never be ignored. The reason these men open up like this is to make you feel as though 1) you are special, 2) they trust you, and 3) to gather sympathy. Then they use this entire time to keep you interested while they do whatever sketchy things they do.

What are you getting out of this? You are becoming his shoulder but is he there for you? I honestly think this guy probably has so many skeletons in his closet that you don't want to know about, and that's just from reading these posts.

I know you think we are all negative but in reality it's because we have been through hell. We have had therapy. We can see the signs, we are just trying to help.

July 12, 2016

I would appreciate some male insight as to the way he might be feeling right now and how to proceed to not end up forgotten.

Your last sentence of your original Post.

You are worried about being forgotten. That 4 day of silence is worrying you. Then 4 pages later you're saying it's ok and plenty of communication for you! ...Please...

I don't know why you posted on here. You just wanted to hear what you wanted to hear. You showed a closed mind through this tread. Unwilling to even consider something was of concern with him.

So, good luck with everything. I hope this thread is not lost and down the road you will remember what was said on here.

July 12, 2016

If it's enough for you then why did you complain or worried he had been radio silent for 4 days? If it had not been a concern you would not have mentioned it.

Another example of selective attention.

You answered to that question on your own a few pages earlier: We are still in the dating phase, we know each other for roughly 2 weeks. That part of him was new to me, which naturally worried me because I've had mixed experiences in the past and wondered in which category he might fall.

He explained everything, it makes sense to me, I do accept that based on my gut-feeling and my impression of him so far so what's your problem with that?

A person you don't even know personally (so no real ground for you to form judgement except for your military insight and your experiences but they mean nothing if you've neither talked to him nor met him in person) doesn't measure up to your standards, that okay, but please stop subtly patronizing me for my own boundaries and comfort zones I feel myself comfortable in.

I did appreciate your POV but all your views and opinions have proven to me that you're just that, a stranger on the internet that doesn't know us personally and someone who was wrong with her judgement about another stranger. So what else is there you'd like to debunk?

Maybe start seeing me as another adult female with different (legitimate) boundaries and needs than you as opposed to the daughter you were talking of.

July 12, 2016

Your last sentence of your original Post.

You are worried about being forgotten. That 4 day of silence is worrying you. Then 4 pages later you're saying it's ok and plenty of communication for you! ...Please...

I don't know why you posted on here. You just wanted to hear what you wanted to hear. You showed a closed mind through this tread. Unwilling to even consider something was of concern with him.

So, good luck with everything. I hope this thread is not lost and down the road you will remember what was said on here.

Again, selective attention:

I mentioned earlier that I reflected on everything and came to the conclusion that it's okay. Reflection helps to understand and builds a fertile ground for compassion which is not a bad thing at all.

I've been updating all these days and all you've got is holding my very first post (that came from a place of confusion) against my recent serenity and happiness (through which you accompanied me with your undying efforts to show me how much of an ******* he is and how invalid our companionship is on your ground)? Come on, you can do better than that.

July 12, 2016

A person you don't even know personally (so no real ground for you to form judgement except for your military insight and your experiences but they mean nothing if you've neither talked to him nor met him in person) doesn't measure up to your standards, that okay, but please stop subtly patronizing me for my own boundaries and comfort zones I feel myself comfortable in.

I did appreciate your POV but all your views and opinions have proven to me that you're just that, a stranger on the internet that doesn't know us personally and someone who was wrong with her judgement about another stranger. So what else is there you'd like to debunk?

Maybe start seeing me as another adult female with different (legitimate) boundaries and needs than you as opposed to the daughter you were talking of.

This is a forum. No, we do not know you and we do not know him. The point of coming here is to ask neutral people what they think of your personal situation. If you are to throw left and right 'we don't know him and you do' than what's the point of coming on here? Of course WE don't know him!! of course we are strangers !!!!

July 12, 2016

Where did you meet him, OP?

I recall you stating you met online, but was it through a dating site/app?

July 12, 2016

For you it looks like I showed a close mind.

From my perspective it looked like a select few here think they can predict the future and know everything about two strangers dating.

I did take the opinions for what they were, opinions from strangers, what else did you expect?

While I kept my attitude positive and got what I wanted and need at the end, you tried to take that away from me and now call me close minded for not letting your negativity crush me?

Was that what you want? Seeing me become bitter and letting your opinion make me feel miserable?

The reason why I'm happy now is because I took everything here with a grain of salt and met him with compassion and understanding.

My goal was happiness so label me all you want, you can't take it away with your negativity.

Have a nice day, Ma'am.

July 12, 2016

This is a forum. No, we do not know you and we do not know him. The point of coming here is to ask neutral people what they think of your personal situation. If you are to throw left and right 'we don't know him and you do' than what's the point of coming on here? Of course WE don't know him!! of course we are strangers !!!!

LOL.

No more comment. This is just getting frustrating, I refuse to dignify any more of that with a response. Cheers

July 12, 2016

LOL.

No more comment. This is just getting frustrating, I refuse to dignify any more of that with a response. Cheers

I hope it will unfold as you wish.

We hit head on here but not once I have laughed at you or your answers. It's too bad you could not debate with the same respect.

If it works out with you and this guy please come back and let us know. If I am wrong about him I will be the first one to come forward and to recognize you were right.

Good luck Sammy.

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