If a soldier pulls back, what is the best strategy to support him from afar?

July 11, 2016

Lady, You chitchatted for 10 days and spent ONE weekend together and you think he's the most honest and amazing man in the world. You need to come back from lala-land.

We are negative because some of us have experience with military, some of us have experience, some of us have seen this over and over and over again.

We are telling you something is off.

You can ignore us and put your pink glasses and update us in 1 month. Not even 1 month, give us an update in 2 weeks.

I am standing by.

Lets see.

1. Those were barely 'chitchats' and shallow banter but sure, you know best lol.

2. Still 10 days more info about who he is, how he is etc pp as opposed to your source, which is a single post of mine and your interpretation of it (coming from someone with English as the 3rd language, too). While your (negative) opinion is based on negative experiences you've seen others go through, my (positive) opinions are based on actual interactions with the person in question. Almost disrespectful to play my opinion down as la la land bull**** caused by pink glasses just because you think negatively of military personnel and the way people in your social circles have handled their love-lives in the past.

Maybe, you know, despite common tendencies and patterns you've witnessed, I don't know, learn to not define people by their chosen careers...maybe? I might not have military experience but I think people should have the decency to not judge others by a mere job title and stereotypes associated with it.

Like I already said, I feel okay with the radio silence by now, what irks me is the negative colors you try to paint him with just because you think your experience with the military weighs more than actual human interaction that I've had with the person. Again, the PERSON. Just 10 days and an entire weekend? Still more input on the actual situation than you will ever have.

And stand wherever you want with your negativity, I'm all Zen, whether he will call or not.

July 11, 2016

Sorry if it sounded harsh btw, I am not trying to fight. But I start to regret ever talking on here. I've never seen so much negativity in one place before. I feel like everyone has been hurt in the past so much, that from most people, it still pours into their advice. No hard feelings, wish you all the best

July 11, 2016

Sorry if it sounded harsh btw, I am not trying to fight. But I start to regret ever talking on here. I've never seen so much negativity in one place before. I feel like everyone has been hurt in the past so much, that from most people, it still pours into their advice. No hard feelings, wish you all the best

Sammy... this is my first post on this thread but I have read them all of them... and have one thing to say.

Follow your own heart hun, YOU are the one who has been interacting with him, talking to him, spent time with him.

YOU are the one in this RL, not any of us.

It's very easy and common for people to project our own experiences on to others... that's pretty much all we have to go on.... our own experiences.

I say....stay positive, stay OPEN... BUT keep eyes open, pay attention to actions... and if he continues to remain silent and pulls away.... then you can deal with it then.

I am a full believer in taking it through to the end... if you get hurt, so be it, that's life.

You live, you learn, you evolve.

But for now stay positive and if YOU are okay with the silence (for now) and understand it, then that is ALL that matters IMO.

Take care...

Edited July 11, 2016 by katiegrl

July 11, 2016

Like I already said, I feel okay with the radio silence by now, what irks me is the negative colors you try to paint him with just because you think your experience with the military weighs more than actual human interaction that I've had with the person. Again, the PERSON. Just 10 days and an entire weekend? Still more input on the actual situation than you will ever have.

And stand wherever you want with your negativity, I'm all Zen, whether he will call or not.

The military aside.

Anyone coming on here with a 10 day online story and a man being radio silent after a weekend of sex will get the same responses.

You remind me of my daughter. And she'll get annoyed at me for saying this but she is the perfect example of what is going on here.

Daughter: Mom he has not returned my calls in 5 days what do you think?!

Me: Hon, I think he's moved on to something else please don't give him anymore of your attention.

Daughter: That's not what I want to hear!!!!

Me: Ok! here is what you want to hear : I am sure he thinks of you every day and he thinks you are a very special young lady and he can't wait to be with you again. You just need to be patient and wait.

Daughter: Thanks mom.

Edited July 11, 2016 by Gaeta

July 11, 2016

The military aside.

Anyone coming on here with a 10 day online story and a man being radio silent after a weekend of sex will get the same responses.

You remind me of my daughter. And she'll get annoyed at me for saying this but she is the perfect example of what is going on here.

Daughter: Mom he has not returned my calls in 5 days what do you think?!

Me: Hon, I think he's moved on to something else please don't give him anymore of your attention.

Daughter: That's not what I want to her!!!!

Me: Ok! here is what you want to hear : I am sure he thinks of you every day and he thinks you are a very special young lady and he can't wait to be with you again. You just need to be patient and wait.

Daughter: Thanks mom.

Gaeta come on... things are NEVER as black and white as you make them out to be.

There are many different shades of gray... and various nuances that comprise getting to know someone, a couple's particular "dance" so to speak -- and as such... things are very often NOT what they appear to be.

It's NOT that uncommon for a man to pull away for a bit after an intense weekend of sex.... and return.

I have known plenty of women to whom that has happened, the guy returned, she was happy to hear from him and they went on to have a happy, healthy long term RL.

Let Sammy play this out... like I said maybe she will get hurt, maybe not.

If she does... so be it... it's part of life!

That which does not kill us makes us stronger!!

Words to live by.

Edited July 11, 2016 by katiegrl

July 11, 2016

Sorry if it sounded harsh btw, I am not trying to fight. But I start to regret ever talking on here. I've never seen so much negativity in one place before. I feel like everyone has been hurt in the past so much, that from most people, it still pours into their advice. No hard feelings, wish you all the best

OP, don't go please. I do agree that the tone was too harsh from the very start. People have been posting here for years and deal with this sort of thing over and over again. They forget that there is another human being on the other side of the computer sometimes. we are all guilty of that.

I think it's very hard for military guys to maintain steady relationships. Have you been considering that? That point of view, I mean.

July 11, 2016

Gaeta come on... things are NEVER as black and white as you make them out to be.

There are many different shades of gray... and various nuances that comprise getting to know someone, a couple's particular "dance" so to speak -- and as such... things are very often NOT what they appear to be.

It's NOT that uncommon for a man to pull away for a bit after an intense weekend of sex.... and return.

I have known plenty of women to whom that has happened, the guy returned, she was happy to hear from him and they went on to have a happy, healthy long term RL.

Let Sammy play this out... like I said maybe she will get hurt, maybe not.

If she does... so be it... it's part of life!

That which does not kill us makes us stronger!!

Words to live by.

Since when you're getting a softie! ;-)

We have heard it 100s of time here. Ten days of online heavy flirting. They meet ONCE the guy suddenly seems uninterested and then radio silent.

If it crawls like a snake, whistles like a snake, chances are it's a snake. Sure one day it could be a unicorn ....it's allowed to believe anything.

This is not a typical push and pull. They have met once. They are practically strangers they've had 10 days on online 'sharing' before meeting. This is not an established relationship, not the typical 3-4 dates relationship, this is a guy that got sex then realized he does not want more.

The proof is in the pudding. Lets wait and see.

July 11, 2016

Sammy: I am very sorry I came across harsh it was not my intention. Us French people aren't too good at putting on white gloves when we speak we're quite passionate but our heart is in the right place. I only come on strong because I want you to protect yourself and not be so ready to have some dude rip your heart apart after 1 week.

July 11, 2016

Since when you're getting a softie! ;-)

We have heard it 100s of time here. Ten days of online heavy flirting. They meet ONCE the guy suddenly seems uninterested and then radio silent.

If it crawls like a snake, whistles like a snake, chances are it's a snake. Sure one day it could be a unicorn ....it's allowed to believe anything.

This is not a typical push and pull. They have met once. They are practically strangers they've had 10 days on online 'sharing' before meeting. This is not an established relationship, not the typical 3-4 dates relationship, this is a guy that got sex then realized he does not want more.

The proof is in the pudding. Lets wait and see.

I dunno I have taken over a new leaf? lol

No seriously... in this particular case, I just think she needs to play this out for herself, and let the chips fall where they may.

My own ex (the one who I was with for six years) pulled away after our first weekend together, lots of intense sex... I have told that story before, it's nothing new..

And yes I DO know other women whose boyfriends did the same, and when he returned, she was open and happy and they went on to have a happy long term RL.

If she was bytchy, had an attitude ... and punished him when he returned, well that's a different story.... the guys would stay away after that... never to return.

Then of course HE becomes the bad guy.

As I said, things are often NOT what they appear to be.

Lots of different shades of gray....

Now yes I admit, I have read situations where it was CLEAR the guy was a DB... and in those cases, I have advised to walk away.

But I don't see that here... NOT YET anyway.

Keep eyes wide open? Pay attention to actions? Live your life? YES definitely!

But we (men and women) should always be doing that anyway.

When and IF she hears from him....she can see how she feels then.

Edited July 11, 2016 by katiegrl

July 12, 2016

One thing to keep in mind about military guys is that their contact with women is limited, especially while on deployment. This means they tend to get a little bit more excited than other men when they do get the opportunity to date. Which translates into the woman thinking that the guys' feelings are much stronger than they actually are. They also tend to be passionate and more emotional in general than other guys you're used to, again which translates into thinking that his feelings are stronger than they are.

I'm not saying he doesn't have strong feelings or attraction for you- it sounds like he does. Just trying to put this into perspective. Also, guys in the military learn to be very good at compartmentalizing relationships. When they're working, they really don't have the time or mental space to communicate with you the way you want or need them to. So if this were a normal relationship, your feelings of "omg things just progressed so quickly and now he retreated, I'm freaking out and feeling insecure" would be on one level, but since he's in the military that stage is much much worse. Because you don't know if he's retreating because "too much too soon" and you're just another fun fling while overseas, or if he's got way too much going on to start a new relationship. Or maybe a little bit of both.

Also to give him some credit, he's probably thinking that bringing you into his life is not fair to you. He's probably thinking that you're better off without him. Because being a military spouse/girlfriend is something most women are simply not cut out for.

Years ago I was dating a guy who deployed to Afghanistan during the worst part of the war there, and I thought I could handle it. I felt about him the same way you feel about your guy. We met at work right before he was sent to another state to start training for deployment, and only been dating a few months. But his last night before deployment he wanted to spend with me, not his family, not his friends. He asked me to wait for him. I said I would. But then when he went over there, I never heard from him. A guy in his platoon was writing a blog for his wife to read, so I started following the blog just to get updates about my boyfriend. I sent him emails, and never heard from him. I tried not to go insane, my friends all told me to just forget about him. I sat in my room and cried for days, couldn't eat. He wasn't posting anything anywhere online. Finally a few weeks went by and I got like a two sentence email response. He rarely had internet service, and the few times they did it was spotty, he only would get a really short amount of time to make calls home and send emails. But that tiny email was enough for me. Until it wasn't enough. I sent him more emails, no response. My emails started sounding more desperate, wondering why he no longer had feelings for me, broke my heart, asked me to wait for him and then dropped off the face of the earth. Finally one day he wrote to me and said "I'm sorry. It's not that I don't have feelings for you. I just can't do this right now. I'm worried about not getting killed, just over here trying to stay alive. That's all I can focus on right now."

I felt so dumb. Of course I knew that what he was going through was scary, that he was overwhelmed and watching people die around him every day. But I was so absorbed by my own feelings and fear of being hurt- which was in retrospect really selfish and immature given the situation- I really never put myself in his shoes. And I think most veterans will agree that civilians are generally completely oblivious to what it's actually like in combat.

Anyway I have no idea what your guy is going through or what's on his mind, but there's a chance that he just doesn't have the space in his life for a relationship. He may only have time for a fun weekend. And it doesn't make him a bad guy if that's the case, it doesn't mean his feelings/attraction for you aren't real.

July 12, 2016

Look, however we analyse it and consider his childhood and career and psychologically examine him. I think its pretty lousy to be all full on, have a weekend full of sex and act like an established couple, then nothing. I would not be ok with it, maybe I'm just too insecure. I would be really hurt. No excuses.

July 12, 2016

I asked him 2 times in that message to not answer or respond to this and take my voice, just this time, as a counter measure for his demons (insecurities that seem to keep hunting him).

6 am in the morning that day, I got a message from him, the last one:

Him: Hey, I read your message on Facebook and I won't respond as you asked but I will just say: I love you and thank you.

I didn't respond at all. That's when the radio silence began.

Ok, so why on earth did you tell him not to respond to you?

He basically said "OK I will not respond as you asked, have a nice life" in his last message.

YOU have then not replied and he hasn't either, what do you expect?

You haven't given him "space", you have in fact blown him off.

July 12, 2016

OP, I read it.

Putting his job aside for the moment, this is what I interpret:

He is indirectly warning you that he isn't easy to deal with, when it comes to relationships. He's not in a good place right now, for whatever reason. Any guy who has ever told me that (and there have been two in recent years) was 100% correct. They weren't easy to deal with, and exhibited a lot of push-pull behaviour. Both of those relationships were emotionally draining to me. They were good men, but not ready for what I was ultimately looking for.

Like you, I tried to be a source of positive reinforcement. But if someone really has problems, it's not enough. They have to want to change, for their own reasons.

Having said all of that, you told him not to respond to you. So, I'm not sure what you expect. He is respecting your request and not talking to you. What did you think he was going to do?

July 12, 2016

I didn't hear him making plans to see you. A man can use you as a shrink all he wants, if he does not make plans to see you then it means nothing.

I read a man that was replying to you just for the sake of replying. I read nothing special in everything he told you.

I read a young woman going out of her way to make him feel good while he was ignoring her every couple of text.

I read a man that is preoccupied by something but doesn't say what and I am ready to bet it's another woman. I also read a man saying he's about to leave your country and that would be why he is not pursuing this.

As I read it, you parted on July 3rd and it was already over for him.

July 12, 2016

Ok, so why on earth did you tell him not to respond to you?
He basically said "OK I will not respond as you asked, have a nice life" in his last message.
YOU have then not replied and he hasn't either, what do you expect?

You haven't given him "space", you have in fact blown him off.

Agree it certainly does appear that way now doesn't it..... the OP has blown him off... not the other way around.

After OP asked him NOT to respond, he chose to anyway saying:

"OK I won't respond as *you* asked, but thank you and I love you."

To which SHE has *not *responded. Translation: "No I don't want to deal with you, have a nice life."

Unless I am missing something, OP me thinks you owe *him* a response.

Gaeta, I 100% disagree with your opinion.

It sounds like pure projection on your part based on *your* negative experiences with men in thee military.

There is also absolutely nothing there to suggest he has become involved with another woman.

None.

Edited July 12, 2016 by katiegrl

July 12, 2016

My negative view of your situation is not based on my negative past experience with a military. I actually had a positive experience. At the moment I met him he never let me doubt for one moment I was his priority. 1 month after I met him he left for middle east and he wrote to me EVERY DAY for the 7 months he was away. Then we married and were together 15 years as a family living on-base. While I was on the inside of this type of life that is when I observed and learn A LOT about these young men (my husband was older but he had done the same when younger). How they use their uniform, how they use their status to seduce women. Before leaving base for a mission they all go on the prowl to have as much sex as possible. They fill the girls head with 'you're so special' to collect conquest after conquest. No they're not all the same but a HUGE load sh$t are!

July 12, 2016

She did not reject him. She did not ask him to not talk to her again.

She sent him a long email over FB to pep him up a little. She wrote to him he did not need to reply to the subject in the email - it was for him to reflect on not to discuss with her - she did not say don't write to me again. He understood that. That is why he said Thank you (for her email).

July 12, 2016

Agree it certainly does appear that way now doesn't it..... the OP has blown him off... not the other way around.

After OP asked him NOT to respond, he chose to anyway saying:

"OK I won't respond as *you* asked, but thank you and I love you."

To which SHE has *not *responded. Translation: "No I don't want to deal with you, have a nice life."

Unless I am missing something, OP me thinks you owe *him* a response.

Gaeta, I 100% disagree with your opinion.

It sounds like pure projection on your part based on *your* negative experiences with men in thee military.

There is also absolutely nothing there to suggest he has become involved with another woman.

None.

Read the conversation again.

He is not talking about seeing each other. Sure he makes a comment about wishing she was laying next to him - If I had a dime each time a man told me he wished he was laying next to me I'd be rich. It means nothing.

The ONE time she talks about them he rejects the idea with you don't want to deal with me type of answer.

Look how many times he let her hang on text and she had to double text him to get his attention.

You tell me this sounds like an interested man?

July 12, 2016

Plus I've had the opportunity to observe him, communicate with him, learn more about him unlike everyone else here - there's that. It's not all due to affections, I just thought it didn't sit well to see people focusing on something entirely off-topic (in this case his credibility/career) and judge him harshly based on my poorly written post (I get that it's my fault)

Absolutely and therefore you are better to answer your question than anyone here.

July 12, 2016

She did not reject him. She did not ask him to not talk to her again.

She sent him a long email over FB to pep him up a little. She wrote to him he did not need to reply to the subject in the email - it was for him to reflect on not to discuss with her - she did not say don't write to me again. He understood that. That is why he said Thank you (for her email).

That is *your* interpretation.

I would bet any amount of money that was not "his" interpretation.

Just like a few of us interpreted it as a blow off.. he may have (and probably did) too.

Look you could be right Gaeta, who knows...

But if his intention was to blow her off after sex, he would have immediately ghosted.

I highly doubt he would have been sending all those emails afterwards, I love you's, not to mention a beautiful bouquet of flowers for her birthday. Followed by an email asking her if she received.

These are not the actions of a man using her for sex, some quick fun, and about to blow her off...

Of course he had not made plans to get together again..

This is not a typical dating situation ....he is in the military and, as such, under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress!

Trying putting yourself in his shoes and seeing this from *his* perspective.

I bet he feels like HE was blown off...

Edited July 12, 2016 by katiegrl

July 12, 2016

I agree fully with Graeta. This is a man who is not making plans with her. He is telling her he has issues and is not going to be a good partner. There also appears to be something he is not telling her ie the vague "I just....are you sure you want to deal with me" replies

He is leaving her hanging multiple times on text. He is clearly capable of texting and chatting as he did so the prior week no problem and is currently chatting up buddies on FB. (Which OP kniws bc she is apparently watching his social media moment by moment for info).

The flowers were a thank you and/or a way to keep her in the pipeline for the future.

All the times I have had serious relationships I never not once got left hanging or radio silence. All the times I did get inconsistent texting and radio silence, the guy bailed and it was basically just a fling.

Also OP is overly focused on HIM. All the texting isnabout HIM and his issues and career and demon. Not a good sign. He is not thinking she has blown him off. He is blowing her off.

July 12, 2016

I agree fully with Graeta. This is a man who is not making plans with her. He is telling her he has issues and is not going to be a good partner. There also appears to be something he is not telling her ie the vague "I just....are you sure you want to deal with me" replies

He is leaving her hanging multiple times on text. He is clearly capable of texting and chatting as he did so the prior week no problem and is currently chatting up buddies on FB. (Which OP kniws bc she is apparently watching his social media moment by moment for info).

The flowers were a thank you and/or a way to keep her in the pipeline for the future.

All the times I have had serious relationships I never not once got left hanging or radio silence. All the times I did get inconsistent texting and radio silence, the guy bailed and it was basically just a fling.

Also OP is overly focused on HIM. All the texting isnabout HIM and his issues and career and demon. Not a good sign. He is not thinking she has blown him off. He is blowing her off.

Agree she is too focused on him.

I also agree it is *possible* he is fading out...

It's a tough call imo ..... too many ambiguities from both of them.

July 12, 2016

To be honest, what I see is that some of you (not all) speak from a place of past disappointment or being witness of others getting disappointed in a similar situation.

I noticed that he takes great pride in his masculinity. He even mentioned that he had to get used to actually "dating a European girl who doesn't mind holding her own financially". He mentioned another time that it's normal for a man to pay and that his ex gf never let him live down a moment where he was okay with her paying for breakfast ONCE.

Really, he always insisted on picking the entire tab, no matter if it was a generous dinner or a short stop at the drugstore for some blister patches (my feet did hurt, haha).

Now, the reason why I decided to let it slide, that he ignored my invite to visit me again and stay at my place is, that he mentioned earlier "checking his bank account, saying f*ck it and buying a new TV"

To me, it sounded like he has had enough on his shoulders financially for this half of the month so he was careful about making plans (and eventually being in a situation where he'd feel compelled to pay again).

Like I said, last time he visited me, he dropped 100€ for the train ticket, 200€ for the hotel, at least 100€ other expenses (like a 'couple mug' and holographic postcard of the moon and sun - he likes to say I am the moon and I always joke around he's the sun) oh and the very expensive looking flower bouquet for my birthday.

Basically, this guy has dropped a lot of money already. Knowing his pride in his masculinity, it wouldn't surprise me that this might be another factor for him as to why he is reluctant. I know that I like to stay at home and not make plans with people (even if they ask repeatedly, I give other excuses if I have to but never flatout say I'm broke this month) when I don't have money or am going to need what I have for some other important purchase. Plus, for god's sake, he just moved here and is trying to settle down comfortably. Work puts a lot of stress, too.

It's only fair to see his perspective, too. It's not always about us women :/

July 12, 2016

Well i think you are grasping at straws and making excuses to keep your hope up. If he was broke he would say something like I cant swing it that week but as soon as i get paid i want to come down. But he isnt. In fact he ismt even acknowledging your invitation or thanking you for it.

A man truly wanting a relationship with a woman is going to be so worried about another man cathcing her interest that he is going to leave her no doubt of his intentions. He is going to lock that down. Your guy isnt doing that at all.

And yes my imsight and advice is based on my past experience -- guys who are into you make it known consistently. Guys who arent dont. Its not bc Im.jaded or bitter. its just bc thats what Ive seen and experienced time and again in 25 yrs of dating and relationships.

This is now 6 days straight of no contact from him not even a text. No man interested in a relationhsip does that.

July 12, 2016

Listen, I appreciate your POV and think it helps people learn to see that not everything is black and white.

It's 4 days straight of no contact because I was the one who didn't respond after his last message.

You know why I feel relaxed about it by now? I examined past behaviors and encounters with men/relationships. There has been times where a guy didn't contact me 10 days after spending a weekend with me, ignoring my last message but I didn't mind and lived my life. When that guy (who by your standard and explanation isn't interested in a relationship with me) contacted me again, I was upbeat and joked around because I didn't expect anything from him and didn't lose sleep over the radio silence (that I barely even noticed or cared for).

That same guy asked me to be his gf, I gracefully declined because there was no interest.

Something similar happened with another date.

When I think about how often guys ignore women or blow hot and cold - it has never been purely black or white. What caught my attention is the time-warp though. When I am really interested in a guy, time flies so awfully slowly, I spend my days feeling miserable and then end up flooding the person with my insecurities on day 3. Whenever I didn't care and never gave the guy the impression that I noticed the pull-back, they eventually came back (could take days or weeks), asked me out again but honestly, I was never interested enough to string anyone along.

I like him, that's why I put so much importance on his words and behavior and count the days we don't speak (or consult some love forum in this case). I've had mixed experiences and that's why I fail to be too receptive for the black and white kind of negativity that is thrown at me on here.

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If a soldier pulls back, what is the best strategy to support him from afar?

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